How the other half lives, what and when you learned

[tomorrowalready]

Reflecting from another thread made me realise it was not until my 20s I found out some people expected to have a private bathroom. I went to university then and shared with another mature student who had been married, divorced and said she found having to share a bathroom with unrelated people unpleasant. I had always taken it for granted as had live in jobs and rented bedsits before. She was a lovely person and also the first person I knew who had a glass of wine every evening and she introduced me to many new things - cooking with garlic, sherry, owning and using a car for shopping for example.

So what did you take for granted that surprised other people you met?

For a few of the girls at school it was to get out of their bad family situations, to get a place of their own (didn’t work out like that, get a bed sit at best), as if having a baby would propel you into better things. Or we were just too young, eg the ones at 13, their parents weren’t around as working/feckless so they didn’t twig what it all meant really. Basically what we didn’t have was a security system - in terms of money, emotional support, time. Either because our parents were feckless twats or else lovely but working all hours.

I'm still discovering it, sort of. The flat I moved to recently has a dishwasher. First time I've ever had one. I'm over 40. I still have to think about how often I run it, mind, but I'm loving it.

@tomorrowalready

Yes. I'm actually surprised there isn't more rage manifesting in violence...

YouTube etc is crazy. My boy watches YouTubers who film from mansions with pools etc and already finds it quite envy-inducing, and we are very fortunately situated. Or YouTube kids who smash things up for fun etc - wtf??!!! I can't even imagine what it's like when money is tight. There's also a lot of comparing at school over phones, gadgets etc and that's just a normal state school.

I guess I'm having mine right now, that I didn't realise so many people were so sheltered. As in, that their family and friends were all within such a bubble.

There were things I had and things I didn't, but I had friends who lived in the local council estate and I had friends who lived in huge country houses and went off to private school at 11 instead of the local state one I went to. So I never had any shock upon meeting people with more or less than me later in life.

I like to think my family was normal . Just ordinary, but decent and clean. We moved to live in a market town and I started seeing a boy I had met in a pub. He was really nice. I had known him for a while before we started going out and thought he was lovely. After a while, we called in at his house one evening and I met his parents. They seemed very nice if not a little odd, but I liked them.

Then one night I stayed at their house after we had been out drinking and it was too late for a taxi. His mother changed his bed for me at 2 am in the morning which I thought was a lovely gesture.
Next morning I went into the bathroom. There was nothing in it. No soap, no towels, no loo paper. No shampoo. No toothbrushes or toothpaste. The room was completely empty apart from the toilet and the bath. The toilet was brown inside. Dark Brown.

I went downstairs and into the kitchen for a cup of tea. His dad was standing in his trousers and vest, brushing his teeth with bleach from a Domestos bottle and the lad was having a wash in the sink. His mother handed him a tea towel to dry his face.
The toothbrushes were in a glass on the windowsill and there was a dish with soap in.
I felt like I was in a time warp.
It was like something out of The League of Gentlemen.
I could not understand how they managed without toilet paper !
Later I realised why the bed had been changed :)

@CorianderBee

• who knows, eh? I'm well aware that things may well have happened in private, no one never knows the full story.

@CrouchEndTiger12 'Friend took out a car loan and parents paid that off this year. For heavens sake stand on your own 2 feet is what I think.'

Wow ☝🏻 When I was a kid we were SO poor when I was lucky enough to have a bday party my mum would slice a banana as a dessert for guests. She sliced it because we couldn't afford to give each kid a whole banana. We also would only have one mandarin at Xmas, the only time in the year I could have a mandarin (and only one).

I'm now mid 30-a and we happen to be extremely wealthy and my mum gives me money for holidays, home deposit (even though I have a well paid job). She sends me money now because in my childhood chicken drumsticks was pure luxury we could only afford once every two months
Please don't judge others as you haven't walked in their shoes.

@Backstreetsbackalrightdadada

Oh another thing (not v relevant but)…. I don’t have DC and am terrified of having any unless I basically win the lottery. Partly this is because I know the pit that is poverty and am scared I can’t guarantee they’d never live like I did. I’ve worked my arse off completely, but never “made it” (wrong industry and I guess I’m just not that good at my job?). I wonder if anyone has felt similar. Basically unless I can get them a trust fund so they can live totally freely I’d be scared of poverty/ horrible bosses for them

Not exactly but I can sort of see what you mean. I come from a very poor background and, having made a comfortable life for myself, was determined to give my kids the advantages of money I never had. However since having kids my life has taken a nose dive and I can't give them what I wanted to. Neither of them are doing well at school, which has surprised me as me and their father loved school and did well, and they don't have confident personalities or mindsets either. I do really worry for them. I do play the lottery in the hope that I can win enough to set them up for life!

@Veronika13 you do realise the correct way to eat a banana is to slice it

I appreciated more and more that I was exceptionally privileged to live in a large, detached house with a big garden

Not necessarily. I grew up in a 3 bed council semi with mum, dad and my two siblings and consider myself privileged. We were warm, well-fed (mum knew how to make delicious nutritious food on a budget) and loved.

We didn't use our garden much as we were always on the huge park - free of adults from a young age

A trip to London was a big deal and all the more special because of that.

A bit of a different story. From the moment I left home I found it extremely difficult to cover rent and bills. It would literally be a choice between the roof over my head/food in my fridge and the water/electric. It got me into mountains of debt and growing up I was never prepared for financial independence (which would have been much more helpful in maths rather than bloody algebra )

As the years have gone by I have become more and more financially stable and I am now at a point where I rent a decent sized family home and can actually give my kids pocket money and buy them a magazine or sweets. We can also afford to go on a couple of holidays a year and buy things new and of actual lasting quality like mattress' and sofas!

Sometimes it gives me huge anxiety. If my card gets declined I go into panic mode (usually a machine error!) or if I get a bill through the door I break into a cold sweat. It takes me ages to buy anything and I still always look for the cheapest, and not necessarily cost effective, option even though I can actually buy brand new and lasting quality things! I also realise I am actually a lot more careful now about spending on days out and treats than I was back when I was poor and really didn't have much more to lose!

I don't take any of what I have now for granted and my god I am aware that it could all vanish in a second.

@allwrongitsallwrong - probably one for another thread but whilst I had everything, including a pony, my mother is a classic narcissist, and I'd say that unconditional love goes a very long way and is a terrific privilege.

[quote Veronika13]@CrouchEndTiger12 'Friend took out a car loan and parents paid that off this year. For heavens sake stand on your own 2 feet is what I think.'

Wow ☝🏻 When I was a kid we were SO poor when I was lucky enough to have a bday party my mum would slice a banana as a dessert for guests. She sliced it because we couldn't afford to give each kid a whole banana. We also would only have one mandarin at Xmas, the only time in the year I could have a mandarin (and only one).

I'm now mid 30-a and we happen to be extremely wealthy and my mum gives me money for holidays, home deposit (even though I have a well paid job). She sends me money now because in my childhood chicken drumsticks was pure luxury we could only afford once every two months
Please don't judge others as you haven't walked in their shoes. [/quote]
Wtf?

I was as poor as your family growing up and it never changed. I help my mum out stil with money.

This friend is the independent school mummy and daddy always paid for everything type. Silver spoon. At 39 they still support her

Don't judge either as you don't know my friend

Don't you think I would know one of my closest friends backgrounds?

I had never had Chinese food until I was an adult and didn’t have a clue how to use chopsticks. We never had takeaways when I was growing up so thought it was just an American thing.

I had a friend at school who had come over from the states and she was complaining about how small her house was over here. One day she invited me round and when I got there it had a huge drive with double doors and her room had a living room area. The place was huge. I think she was a bit shocked when she came round to mine I shared a room with my sibling in a small three bedroom council house.

Not me but a boyfriend of mine: was aghast first night in catered halls when mangetout was put on his plate and he thought it was the pea pods being served up as some kind of money saving strategy.

When I was about 15 I went to a friend's christmas party at their big old house on the moors. Her parents had paid a designer to decorate their tree. This was a bigger shock than finding out that there was an indoor heated swimming pool in a converted barn. We still talk about it 35 years later.

We are very privileged. We very occasionally have fish and chips - never a takeaway apart from that. If I don't want to cook we eat out and let someone else do the dishes. Or if time/tiredness is of the essence we just have smoked salmon, good bread and a quick salad; or calves liver fried in butter with sage, bought mash and a bought green veg tub for the microwave. Both of which are quicker than waiting for a takeaway and usually slightly cheaper.

I cannot comprehend what is privileged about having a take away.

[quote whatthejiggeries]@CrouchEndTiger12 I didn't know oriental was offensive either. Asian usually means from the Indian or a Pakistan region so I would describe someone from Thailand as oriental ie from the orient. My friend is From that region and she describes herself as such. Why is it offensive (genuinely) ? I have never heard it associated with anything derogatory - in fact the opposite it is usually used to describe things of great beauty and Grace [/quote]
I think using 'oriental' to describe people from Asian countries is regarded as offensive because it is seen as setting the Orient (East) against the Occident (West) in terms of industry, progress/civilisation probably from the 19 th century on. Assuming that the West (Europe,
North America) has the advantage and ascribing that advantage to the possession of white skin ,classical (Greek/Roman) history, common language and Christian culture. And at the same time the acknowledged or unacknowledged fear of the fact that 'the Orient' or Asia covers a huge amount of the earth's surface and contains a huge and growing population which can and will challenge 'western' domination and exploitation of the world's resources. (See many African countries for Chinese influence today) Not to mention sexual and cultural stereotyping and fetishing of women. To put it simply it is a loaded word and many see that loading as mostly discriminatory and offensive.

Happy to be corrected or expanded by those more knowledgeable.

@TrampolineForMrKite

Not me but a boyfriend of mine: was aghast first night in catered halls when mangetout was put on his plate and he thought it was the pea pods being served up as some kind of money saving strategy.

I used to love to stand and eat the whole fresh pea pods and all im my dad's garden. Those and fresh raspberries have never tasted the same since. I didn't know I was mange tout(e?).

[quote CrouchEndTiger12]**@MagicSummer it is offensive in relation to people...it is a word used to describe objects usually. An oriental lamp for example. As a far Eastern Asian student told me about 15 years ago at uni.

Can't believe people don't know this. You don't use oriental to describe a person.[/quote]
Yeah @MagicSummer it hasn't been accepted for a long long time in relation to people.

Just Google it. I'm honestly quite embarrassed for you that you think this is ok.

I don't think it's a word that's appropriate to describe contemporary race but one has only to think about "We Three Kings of Orient Are", SOAS and its specialisms, the Oriental departments of the auction houses, etc. DD's degree is largely focused on Arabic and a study of Islam and the culture of the East and she has been described by her tutor as a budding Orientalist.

I remember realising at the age of 18 that many people leave school without any formal qualifications.

We were very hard up, but even when we could hardly ever afford to buy new books we went to the library and borrowed them; or bought old ones for pennies in jumble sales . I took it for granted that everybody thought books and reading were life essentials. Our house was always full of books and adults and children both talked a lot about what they had read..

To this day it still jars on me to go into homes that are totally devoid of books.

For goodness sake, "oriental" has been discredited for anything other than house decor for decades! On a thread about "how the other half live" too - yes, I am shocked to discover that some people think words like that are acceptable!!!