How the other half lives, what and when you learned

[tomorrowalready]

Reflecting from another thread made me realise it was not until my 20s I found out some people expected to have a private bathroom. I went to university then and shared with another mature student who had been married, divorced and said she found having to share a bathroom with unrelated people unpleasant. I had always taken it for granted as had live in jobs and rented bedsits before. She was a lovely person and also the first person I knew who had a glass of wine every evening and she introduced me to many new things - cooking with garlic, sherry, owning and using a car for shopping for example.

So what did you take for granted that surprised other people you met?

@whatthejiggeries Asian means all Asians... including Thailand. If you'd like to differentiate just say East Asian, southeast Asian etc

Oriental is offensive to many because it's been used in a lot of offensive propaganda and racist campaigns and I've been told that many people see it as othering or fetishising.

I’m not getting what is wrong with the word oriental?

I was brought up in a council house but everyone at school was much wealthier. We had learned about Elizabethan half timbered houses at school and I went round to a friend's. They lived in a lovely 1930s house which I know know is called 'Tudorbethan'. I excitedly told her mum that I had never been in an Elizabethan house before. To give her credit, she very kindly explained it wasn't the real thing.

On the other side, we did eat well. My dad didn't like offal and thought it was 'cheap'. I suspect now it was a way of showing himself he had progressed from his own poor background where money for food was much tighter. I went to another friend's house and was invited to stay for supper. The house was full of antiques and extraordinarily grand to my eyes but I had learned by then not to risk doing anything embarrassing like putting a cup or glass on the highly polished table. We were served kidneys and rice. I was so shocked as I thought that was a meal for people who did not have much money. It was only later that I learned that calves liver was something that was served in posh Italian restaurants. I've still never eaten it though!

At university I made a pudding, only to be complimented that it was 'very like something my father's cook would make'!

Social class. I grew up without knowing how privileged I was.

Going back a loooong time here - when I went to Uni I was amazed to discover chilli , lasagna and other such delicacies as flatmate's mother was a lecturer at a Domestic Science College . All 3 flatmates had been at private girls schools and were doing Science and Medicine - the state school I had gone to - for girls it was either Teacher Training College or Uni ( who cares what degree ) . My other big shock was going to live abroad and seeing the wealth that some people had - holiday homes , boats etc .

Oh and everyone can ski

This! I ended up getting into a grammar school and I was always shocked that all the other kids went skiing with their families. Or abroad on holiday.

We had a shit weekend in a caravan for a couple of years and then nothing as we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t actually leave the country until I was 28, but I lied about that for YEARS because “friends” from school found it so alien that you wouldn’t have had multiple holidays abroad or hadn’t left the country at all.

That some people have sandwiches for lunch. I was appalled!

That not everyone has ample tales of random acts of violence in their neighbourhood.

That some teachers encourage their pupils and were ambitious for them, and encouraged them to consider actual careers.

That some people can remember their mum hugging them as a child or looking at them with love.

I never realised until I met my exh that some families had a takeaway every week or every month as a family treat. We only ever had one on my mums birthday as it was too expensive. I grew up in the 70-80's.

@Cailin66

I’m not getting what is wrong with the word oriental?

Well it's banned from being used in US government as its offensive. So just accept that it is. It's old fashioned anyway and makes you sound like a racist 1800s person.

@CorianderBee

Accents.

I'm from Yorkshire but live in London now and all the time new colleagues will suddenly say 'oh I'm from Yorkshire too!'

But in the poshest RP accents. Not a whisper of flat vowels. It made me realise that most private school kids don't pick it up. It makes me feel quite self conscious actually.

Oh and everyone can ski 🙄

It's the same in Scotland - lots of people are desperate to sound English! Makes me all the prouder of my own accent. Never had any issues, in fact in an international context it's been a bonus, people remember you better!

@CorianderBee having googled it appears to have different connotations in the US. I don't think that Oriental is used in the same way in the U.K.?

I grew up in a middle class household and went to private school, but my parents didn't have money left over for luxuries after they'd paid the school fees. So all our holidays were camping or, very occasionally, a B&B. I never stayed in a hotel until I was in my 20s. I went to a hotel with my then boyfriend and didn't know towels were provided so took my own. Boyfriend was intrigued as to why I'd brought towels with me and I was too embarrassed to admit I'd never stayed in a hotel before so told him I felt weird about using towels other people had used!

One of my friends had a daughter who did a German Exchange through school. German girl arrived, all good until she realised she was expected to share the family bathroom and made a huge fuss that she wasn't given her own one. Apparently she'd never stayed anywhere without her own en suite, even at school friends houses.

When our dc were little we moved to a village where most of the pre-schoolers mums didn't work AND had cleaners. I had never known people in my social circle who chose not to work before. All my friends previously worked and I didn't know anyone with a cleaner.

At my daughter's 6th birthday party, we did some craft stuff, some dancing, some bubbles etc , some food... then gave them some cake. One absolutely lovely little girl came up and said "May I have a cake fork please?"

That some people have sandwiches for lunch

In what way? What did you eat for lunch? Just curious.

Grew up in a flat in a block, on a large council estate in London in 70s/80s. One of 8 siblings. Didn't understand a house being just for one family until maybe 6/7. Found it shocking. All my friends and family lived in similar circumstances. Although, a few lived in houses converted to flats. My nan had a garden flat in Notting Hill, when it was not des res. Went to a friend's house who not only had the entire house but her own bedroom. Astounding at the time.

Poor in comparison to many posters, but never felt it. Amongst those around us we did alright. Never restricted on helping ourselves to food. We drove to Europe annually and stayed with family there. We occasionally went to restaurants for Bar Mitzvahs or instead of Christmas.

More cultural societal/differences than material. I didn't know anyone who had a sahm, all women worked. It was very normal to see poverty and dysfunctional or 'broken' families. Similarly, very culturally diverse area and we never ventured outside London. I was shocked in adulthood to find how white and rural the UK was.

[quote whatthejiggeries]@CorianderBee having googled it appears to have different connotations in the US. I don't think that Oriental is used in the same way in the U.K.?[/quote]
Maybe. Idk I'm 26 and if I called any of my Asian friends oriental they'd probably look at me like I'd grown two heads... or knock my block off.

It's extremely old fashioned. Nobody born after 1940 should say it really, what's wrong with regular 'asian'? They're a person not a vase or cabinet.

@RampantIvy

That some people have sandwiches for lunch

In what way? What did you eat for lunch? Just curious.

We always had a hot meal at lunchtime. Sunday full sunday lunch, Saturday my dad would make a 'special meal', spag bol, curry, chilli etc. At school I had free school meals, but even in hols it would be a hot meal at home, cod boiled in a bag, liver, meatballs, sausage and so on.

I remember going to stay with a family friend and they gave us sandwiches for lunch. My mum had to shush me from whining about it as I was so appalled at that horrible and inadequate offering

Really? Or are they better informed about contraception/ different expectations so are more careful? I know that I and most of my friends were v careful with contraception/ choice of partner as the expectation was you'd do other things for quite a while before babies.

Oh another thing (not v relevant but)…. I don’t have DC and am terrified of having any unless I basically win the lottery. Partly this is because I know the pit that is poverty and am scared I can’t guarantee they’d never live like I did. I’ve worked my arse off completely, but never “made it” (wrong industry and I guess I’m just not that good at my job?). I wonder if anyone has felt similar. Basically unless I can get them a trust fund so they can live totally freely I’d be scared of poverty/ horrible bosses for them

@Grellbunt

Really? Or are they better informed about contraception/ different expectations so are more careful? I know that I and most of my friends were v careful with contraception/ choice of partner as the expectation was you'd do other things for quite a while before babies.

Not sure. We all get similar sex education so I can't see it being that.

Possible that they're more careful (I know I was), but I also know a number of the middle class lot that had teenage terminations as they honestly just would absolutely not keep it. Unthinkable.

Whereas some of the lower working class girls I knew kept them because it wasn't that far fetched (their mum was young, their cousin had two kids by 18 etc).

@Arsebucket

I still remember just staring at the menu not knowing what anything was and my drone and her parents laughing at me for that.

That's just so mean. I can't imagine belittling one of dcs friends if they didn't know what a certain food was.

Baths. I was 19 and volunteering at a local hospital whilst I took my A levels.

One of the secretaries was chatting about running her daughter a bath each night and new clean Pjs....

Until this moment I thought everyone had a strip wash daily and bath once a week to wash your hair. When I was the same age as her daughter I was second in the bath water along with my sister on Sunday night, my mother was third and my father was last. Baby was first. We had a bucket of warm clean water to rinse off our hair.

It never occurred to me that people took baths daily or even twice a week!

I still really struggle with this today. My step sons are used to filling the bath to the top every day, (it takes 15 mins of running water to fill) they get in for a few minutes and all that hot water goes down the drain.
I quietly struggle with this. So much so that I re-use my husbands bath water after him. I rarely have my own fresh bath water when water dipped in for a few minutes is crystal clean and can be reused.

I think childhood really shapes your permanent values, it's difficult to shake.

I think this is a fascinating thread but am rather nonplussed. My grandparents were farmers and had staff in tied cottages and usually it was the wives of the labourers who cleaned, ironed, etc. My mother always had help and so have I (although I work full-time). Quite apart from that, even if people do go to private schools, they presumably also have hairdressers, visit shops, garages, look in estate agent windows. On what planet do privileged people who know nothing about alternative lives actually live? Or is there a dividing line here between very privileged and the middle class, whatever that now is, who exist in a narrow homogenous way rarely mixing up or down? It was always interesting in the City in the 80s that the "Rahs" and the back office, originally from the East End, took the piss out of the grammar school boys in equal measure and to be fair they were often a little precious.

My wake up call was going to Sussex in the late 70s and travelling on a bus (not an unusual event) but I can honestly say I had never seen people look so poor - it was a visible level of deprivation I had never seen amongst the rural poor. But hidden Brighton was dreadful then and the case of Maria Colwell was testament to that - a case the head mistress at my privileged school told us about in assembly and asked us to think about such conditions and pray for children who suffered.

My DC in their mid 20s, who are privileged and went to independent London day schools have a social conscience and are socially aware as do and are their friends - even the ones they met at Oxbridge - I suppose I can't speak for those they don't chose to be friends with and am aware of a few twits but they are neither the least or most privileged - they are just experts in narrow minded wankery.

Ooh, I’ve just thought of another one. I remember looking forward to a friend’s 18th birthday party, talking about it excitedly and another friend asking me which shoes I would be wearing. I was totally confused because it didn’t occur to me that people had different shoes for different occasions. I had one pair of shoes and one pair of plimsolls, and must’ve thought that everyone had the same. I remember feeling stunned at the sight of the other friends and their occasional shoes on the day of the party, while I wore my only pair of shoes. It’s surprising how these things impact our lives, and I remember my Saturday job and then my full-time job being in shoe shops. I have loads of shoes now - mostly unworn.

I was amazed at how much other people got as Christmas or birthday presents. Often cost hundreds if not thousands of pounds. That made me feel poor. On the other hand I remember going to a friend's house and her bedroom was the box room and I was shocked at how small it was.