How the other half lives, what and when you learned

[tomorrowalready]

Reflecting from another thread made me realise it was not until my 20s I found out some people expected to have a private bathroom. I went to university then and shared with another mature student who had been married, divorced and said she found having to share a bathroom with unrelated people unpleasant. I had always taken it for granted as had live in jobs and rented bedsits before. She was a lovely person and also the first person I knew who had a glass of wine every evening and she introduced me to many new things - cooking with garlic, sherry, owning and using a car for shopping for example.

So what did you take for granted that surprised other people you met?

I had a fairly privileged childhood but rebelled in my teens and had a boyfriend from the 'wrong side of town'. It was easier to go there after college as I lived out of town, and his mum would offer me a tomato sandwich but not the proper dinner they were eating. I always thought it strange that it was always tomato without ham or cheese but I liked it. One day my boyfriend suggested that I should go home for my 'tea' before meeting him because his mum was struggling to feed me so often. I was completely shocked and horrified as I had no idea that some people couldn't afford basic food. I felt really bad about that and still do as I genuinely never imagined it could be a problem.

@korawick12345

Wet nurse or night nurse? Very different things and the former would be very unusual!

The family lived in a wealthy enclave of religious families - primarily doctors and lawyers - outside of London. It seemed to be the norm for them. For wealthy families with lots of children, living in close proximity the economic viability of otherwise extinct practices is probably very different.

@PattyPan

I had a middle class but rather provincial upbringing. When I started university (in 2013!) my new friends from London were surprised I had never seen a mango before, and didn’t know what hummus and falafel were. I also remember going to a friend’s house after school and they were ordering a Chinese takeaway and asked me what I wanted. I cringe now that I said duck pancakes, it was the only Chinese food I knew as we never had takeaways, but would have probably been the most expensive thing on the menu!

If you had a middle class upbringing, even in the 'provinces' I don't see how mango, hummus, Chinese food were such a puzzle to you in 2013, they're not only in London!=, my grandchildren way out in the sticks were eating them long before 2013!

Being invited out by my first boyfriend's family to a meal in a restaurant and his father just casually paying the bill. I'd been to a restaurant once in my life before that and it was a very tense affair with my father controlling everything and insisting we children share one dish between the three of us and then commenting constantly on how much more expensive it was than if my mother had cooked it at home.

I thought it was the height of sophistication to pay for a family and their friends at a good restaurant without a second thought and longed to be able to do it myself one day. I still get a weird thrill from paying for dinner with friends or taking the whole family out for dinner.

Seems like it may be more of a cultural thing then rather than simply a wealth thing.

That people bought clothes and cosmetics all year round. We had new things either for Christmas and birthdays, or to go on holiday. Looking back, I must have had things at other times as I wouldn’t have had many things to wear otherwise. Though it wasn’t a constant thing.

But at university I shared a house (university accommodation) with a lovely girl whose parents were wealthy by my standards. She had a very generous allowance and was also given lump sums throughout the academic year. She would go out and buy things all the time - clothes, high end cosmetics, designer perfumes. And not just a little, loads of each.

I remember being amazed. I was on a pretty tight budget and although I could afford to eat and go out, there wasn’t any spare eg for a takeaway coffee every day. She and her equally lovely boyfriend would have all of this and a date night at a restaurant every Friday night.

She was such a nice person.

How the other half live!

I'm fortunate not to have struggled growing up, things weren't brilliant but we kids never knew. Going to university and finding out some had to send their parents money out of their grant (remember them?) though surprised me because despite my full grant my parents gave me £100 to help me out

I'm struggling to remember any awakenings, when I was teenage, 20's. I knew people very well to do and those that didn't have hardly anything. My closest friend struggled post uni as a single mum.

But I'd never really be aware of such extreme poverty, literally having no money, till I came to mn and read some threads and there was poverty I just hadn't heard about before.

I remember going to a friends house, they weren't particularly loaded, but parents were still together which was rare, they both work, rarer still, and the had all sorts of bread stuff in their bread bin, like English muffins, crumpets, nice loaf, oat cakes, wraps, baps. At my house it was either/or and that made me feel quite poor. Now I'm a parent we have all sorts for bread stuff in, even pancakes! I hope that makes sense

@robotcollision

Being invited out by my first boyfriend's family to a meal in a restaurant and his father just casually paying the bill. I'd been to a restaurant once in my life before that and it was a very tense affair with my father controlling everything and insisting we children share one dish between the three of us and then commenting constantly on how much more expensive it was than if my mother had cooked it at home.

I thought it was the height of sophistication to pay for a family and their friends at a good restaurant without a second thought and longed to be able to do it myself one day. I still get a weird thrill from paying for dinner with friends or taking the whole family out for dinner.

Oh, yes! I was on a full grant at a posh university. A friend's father visited and took her and me and another friend out to the best restaurant in town and encouraged us to have aperitifs and wine and three courses and I just chose water and the cheapest main course because I assumed I'd be expected to pay for my share. He and his daughter were charming about my reluctance to eat but didn't push it.

At the end of the meal the bill arrived and I got out my purse and he very gently said it was his treat and waved his card in a way that didn't make me feel like too much of a fool. It was a real revelation that eating out could be just about pleasure without the awful dread of the bill. I imagine he and his daughter laughed about it afterwards. She invited me to stay at their lovely country home (there was a London house too) and he was very kind to me and tried to help find me a job when I graduated. Not so long ago I saw his obituary in the paper. He'd come from humble beginnings and done very well for himself, so perhaps he recognised my situation.

Gosh your Home Ec teacher was a patronising arsehole! I am more than a decade older than you and my grandparents knew what Chinese takeaway was!
She really was! She was young as well, newly qualified so only about 12 years older than me and just seem convinced that anyone of my grandparents' generation (born 1920s mostly) would be so bamboozled by a takeaway. It was weird.

She was no fan of me in general. When I accidentally stained her countertop with turmeric I tried to laugh it off saying that stains from spice were cool as they showed what a varied and experienced cook you were. That didn't fly funnily enough.

@newomums I just can't understand how even a shark lawyer could fix it for a client so he didn't pay any child maintenance at all, when he clearly had money.

I’ve just remembered being at university and a flat mate telling me she had to get a part time job because, after funding 100% of her rent, her parents “only” sent her £50 a week.

I’m still reeling, 25 years later. I can’t imagine anyone giving me £50 now, let alone weekly!

People not understanding that life isn't all apple pie and that humans do awful things to others is really the thing that stands out to me more than class / money.

People who feel their lives are 'safe' and they are untouchable to violence, political terrorism or war. Have free access to health care and don't have to worry about the lack of provision or ability to access. Often more by the virtue of merely being born in the right country.

That moment of realising that these type of things don't just happen to 'other people' is hard.

Another thing I have learnt from family history is all to often things can go tits up for generations thanks to the actions of one family member or a single tragedy. And once in that mess its very hard to get out of it, and I don't believe its for lack of trying at all.

@Shedbuilder. Yes the absolute dread of a shared bill
Or declining an invite out as I was too skint
I remember going out with a group and they chose what they wanted, without choices being determined by finances. Really astonishing. Even now I always glance at prices

@bananafish

Genuinely didn't understand that you could be 17 and not have passed your driving test and have a car. Or not know about/been to point to point, spend winter holidays skiing or go to school and know your classmates' brothers/sisters at the other Public school.

My muuuuch older self looks back and cringes wholeheartedly at my lack of understanding.

Although, to be fair, I can't give my children that life and I wish I could.

Oh yes! I cringe too!

(Sorry, in case you didn't see me earlier post, I'm cringing for the same reasons as you are, not cringing at your post!)
@bananafish

@korawick12345 not for me, we lived in a council house and I got as much student loan as I was entitled to on top of my nursing bursary.
I remember her saying her dad had people abusing him once for driving around in his Bentley lol.
He came from humble beginnings though and didn't want her to struggle, I would do the same if I could!

I read that as ravenmum saying that it was a good thing that poor but bright kids got full grants and that even right wingers who don't like government "hand outs" should have been in favour because upward social mobility meant that many of those kids would have gone on to have well paid jobs and paid more in taxes than if they hadn't gone to university.

Don't know where my quoted post disappeared to. My own post doesn't make much sense without it. 😕

[quote Heartofglass12345]@korawick12345 not for me, we lived in a council house and I got as much student loan as I was entitled to on top of my nursing bursary.
I remember her saying her dad had people abusing him once for driving around in his Bentley lol.
He came from humble beginnings though and didn't want her to struggle, I would do the same if I could![/quote]
Sorry I don’t know why you are referring to 😬

That other children actually got given money by their parents as teenagers - my friends and I were all from not-well-off families, and none of our parents could afford pocket money so we all had to get jobs as soon as we were old enough if we wanted to pay for clothes etc. It was just normal.

My lovely dad was an orphan from an agricultural background (born 1919) he worked hard for a better life for us (as did my Mum) and he had definite views on what constituted a meal out. It had to be table service and a menu even on holiday at the chippy. I remember, with affection, his views on Macdonalds...not because of the quality of the food, he loved the filet o'fish, but bcause you had to queue for the food and clear your own table....fine as a takeaway lunch when he was at work (worked for the gas and waterboard in greater London) but definitely not "a meal out"

@korawick12345 haha no worries, I was the one who lived with someone whose dad bought her a house to live in while she was in uni

[quote HollowTalk]@newomums I just can't understand how even a shark lawyer could fix it for a client so he didn't pay any child maintenance at all, when he clearly had money.[/quote]
He could live abroad, become a student or have no income but live off money from his wealthy parents. I believe that pensions and assets are not part of an maintenance calculation.