How the other half lives, what and when you learned

[tomorrowalready]

Reflecting from another thread made me realise it was not until my 20s I found out some people expected to have a private bathroom. I went to university then and shared with another mature student who had been married, divorced and said she found having to share a bathroom with unrelated people unpleasant. I had always taken it for granted as had live in jobs and rented bedsits before. She was a lovely person and also the first person I knew who had a glass of wine every evening and she introduced me to many new things - cooking with garlic, sherry, owning and using a car for shopping for example.

So what did you take for granted that surprised other people you met?

I am actually properly raging about that poster.

I have worked my fingers to the fucking bone to make sure my children had opportunities I never had. They’ve all gone to uni (youngest is still there) - 2 to Russell Group and the other to one that is highly regarded for the particular course they did. That child is planning a masters. Which I will help them fund.

It completely devalues and minimises the efforts of those of us who have done it to say we weren’t properly poor and it’s bloody rude.

I’m really angry.

On one of our early dates, I remember telling my DH that my room at university had been a bit small & grotty. (At home I had had my own spacious bedroom, as did my siblings, in a large house with garden etc.)

I gradually learnt more about DH's background - he had been one of 7 children raised in a 2-bedroom flat (in a country in SE Asia). Every night he & his siblings rolled out mattresses and went to sleep on the living room floor. When he left school he was required to do 2 years in the army where of course he shared barracks with others. So it wasn't until he got to university in UK aged 20 that he first had a room all to himself, and peace & quiet for academic work.

I realised how much of my own privilege I had taken for granted.

it used to be possible for a poor, bright kid to go to Oxbridge for free and have enough money from their grant and benefits ... to get a job that paid the government everything back in tax many times over.

But as we see from this thread, everyone learned from the experience - including, presumably, learning the advantages of left-wing politics. Uh-oh.

Having a conversation at work about school days, with colleagues a similar age to me (give or take a couple of years). Things like Head bags, River Island or Body Shop bags for your folders, teachers chucking board rubbers, that sort of thing. I then mentioned having to stand up when an adult entered the classroom and only sit down when told to, and the teachers wearing academic gowns, and everyone just stared. I had gone too far with that and marked myself out as slightly differently educated...

@Iwastheparanoidex

I am actually properly raging about that poster.

I have worked my fingers to the fucking bone to make sure my children had opportunities I never had. They’ve all gone to uni (youngest is still there) - 2 to Russell Group and the other to one that is highly regarded for the particular course they did. That child is planning a masters. Which I will help them fund.

It completely devalues and minimises the efforts of those of us who have done it to say we weren’t properly poor and it’s bloody rude.

I’m really angry.

Please don’t get angry. It was a thoughtless stupid comment. Most of us understand what a huge achievement it is for you and your kids and others like them. It shouldn’t have to be so tough for you or them.

Those of you decrying parental support - it gives me and DH the most enormous pleasure to give our children money to help out. They'd get what's left (savings from hard work and a good career choice on his part!) when we died but we wouldn't see that. Helping them buy first homes is a huge privilege that we are very grateful for but goodness it's given us so much in return.

I shared a house with a girl in my 3rd year of uni whose dad had bought it for her to live in while she was in uni lol. We were from different worlds but got on fine

Properly poor, just another angle on deserving vs undeserving poor
Middle classes like poverty to be sepia toned, wholesome not grinding and relentless poverty

@Heartofglass12345

I shared a house with a girl in my 3rd year of uni whose dad had bought it for her to live in while she was in uni lol. We were from different worlds but got on fine

For a lot of families it makes far more financial sense to buy a cheap student property that they can get a return on rather than pay rent out to someone else for 3 years.

@Bowednotbroken

Those of you decrying parental support - it gives me and DH the most enormous pleasure to give our children money to help out. They'd get what's left (savings from hard work and a good career choice on his part!) when we died but we wouldn't see that. Helping them buy first homes is a huge privilege that we are very grateful for but goodness it's given us so much in return.

And that’s lovely. But it’s not the point. A university education should be available to every child with the intellect to benefit from it, not just those whose parents can afford to support them.

@newomums

I never really knew there were rich people growing up, I knew we were poor but I assumed everyone was poor and I never knew why my mum was so angry at my dads side of the family .

My mum and dad divorced when I was little and when my dad died when I was nine. We went to the funeral in America (the flights alone meant food was limited for months) and the scattering of the ashes was on a 5 story yacht (which was one of 10 that my father and now grandparents owned) and the house well it was like a palace.

Turns out dad and their family had lots of money and didn't ever pay child maintenance due to hiring a shark of a lawyer I. The divorce. And we used to have conversation about cutting holes in my school shoes to make them last longer. As a child I didn't make the connection to that at the anger.

I also didn't realise that our food portions were Uber small until a pal came over and she said that the starter was lovely and what was for the main course. We had just had the main course. I was baffled
She then said she now knew why I was so skinny (I wasn't under weight by any means) but v slim. My poor mums face. She tried so very hard.

Oh I also remember being delighted for getting a ping pong ball for Christmas. I knew we were poor but I never knew just how below the poverty line were were.

Even now I'm so unsettled that my DSC demands pudding after dinner each night and gets on a strop of she doesn't want whatever's offered so that DH tends to run out and get whatever she wants. (I realise this is my issue not hers). It's just the shock anyone would be able to chose to not eat food on the table and order like a restaurant from their parent and then just be able to go get it like it's nothing. Like that's a thing ?!? (I know it's a thing now) Jesus we were so very poor.

And I was considered posh in my friendship circle because of my voice. If only they had known and I suppose as a child I didn't challenge it.

Few things make me angrier than men like this. How can there be so many men who are such shits that they try to avoid supporting their own child? Your poor, poor mum.

I had a middle class but rather provincial upbringing. When I started university (in 2013!) my new friends from London were surprised I had never seen a mango before, and didn’t know what hummus and falafel were. I also remember going to a friend’s house after school and they were ordering a Chinese takeaway and asked me what I wanted. I cringe now that I said duck pancakes, it was the only Chinese food I knew as we never had takeaways, but would have probably been the most expensive thing on the menu!

@DappledThings

When I was 11, in first year of secondary so 1990/91 we were in Home Economics talking about takeaways. Our teacher asked us what our grandparents would think if we suggested a Chinese to them and said she assumed they would all find it an entirely new experience and one they would probably be averse to.

I answered that we never got Chinese takeaway with my grandparents because my grany was Chinese so cooked it herself and didn't rate any takeaways we'd found. Teacher just thought I was being a smartarse and making it up.

Gosh your Home Ec teacher was a patronising arsehole! I am more than a decade older than you and my grandparents knew what Chinese takeaway was! Although back then it was largely limited to egg fried rice, prawn toast, prawn crackers, sweet and sour pork balls and beef chow mein or chop suey (Not all at once, but any of those).

They knew what curry was too! Although we always had ours with mango chutney, and never had popadoms.

@Blossomtoes - wrt to University that ship sailed when they expanded he provision and aimed for 50% of people attending. The best system for real social mobility was grammar schools, full grants and a small cohort of people attending university. The % of the population who really benefit/need/value university level education is nothing like 50%.

@EspressoDoubleShot

Properly poor, just another angle on deserving vs undeserving poor Middle classes like poverty to be sepia toned, wholesome not grinding and relentless poverty

Yup.

My Nan and grandad were so proud of my for getting it the grammar but I couldn’t go on to uni because I needed to get a job and pay in to the house. 50% of my wages went out to my parents in keep the day I got paid. Every day I got paid.

Ended up pregnant young because I had a contraceptive fail but I had nothing else to hope for. I had no dreams. I was going to be working in a shop for my working life. Or minding other people’s children.

Got divorced and my ex (who had a degree) mocked me for being stupid. I decided to show him and my anger and pure bloody mindedness made me apply to university. Not a Russell group. Very much a bottom tier.

A very supportive course director got me through my first semester when I wanted to hack it in a million times.

I’m proud of myself. I am a higher rate tax payer and I’m progressing rapidly in my role and am about to be promoted again. I work incredibly hard and I expect my kids to do the same.

The fear ? I don’t even know if it is fear - never leaves you. I always have far too much of a store cupboard of tins and jars and non-perishables because there might not be money next week (there will be, but I can’t let it go in my head).

I pay all my bills on time and don’t waste money. An expensive dress is next or Marks and Sparks.

I’ve booked my first holiday since 2004 this summer. If I don’t get to go I’ll be gutted.

I’m dating a fella and he gets upset when I won’t let him pay for all of dinner for example but I’ve been so poor for so long that splitting things is ingrained and I don’t want to be seen to be taking advantage (he doesn’t think I am at all).

@NeverDropYourMooncup
I just had a little cry reading the end of your post. I hope you are very happy now.

I didn't realise how many people owned horses.

Until I joined this place

[quote korawick12345]@Blossomtoes - wrt to University that ship sailed when they expanded he provision and aimed for 50% of people attending. The best system for real social mobility was grammar schools, full grants and a small cohort of people attending university. The % of the population who really benefit/need/value university level education is nothing like 50%.[/quote]
I couldn’t agree more. Just to add insult to injury the result is that degrees mean so much less than they used to. I’m very glad I’m not young now.

It’s a real shame.

@BlackLambAndGreyFalcon

Possibly outing, but I didn't realise until my mid-20s that most people have Yorkshire pudding as a side with their Sunday Roasts rather than served on its own as a starter as it was in my house!

That's the proper Yorkshire way. There's a saying "them that eats most pudding gets most meat" which is a trick, because when you've eaten all the pudding there's no room for the more expensive meat. I never liked them on their own with gravy when I was a child, so my mum used to add sage and onion to the mix for mine.

I had a very privileged childhood. There was so much I didnt know about other people's lives. I learnt pretty sharpish when I left home (young) to get married to someone from a very different background. Pre-internet, I just didn't know what I didn't know.
It's quite worrying when I see people from backgrounds like mine going into politics if I'm honest. They have no idea what life is like for many people.

I went to university in the 80s on a full grant. My mother had finally left my abusive father with 4 children in the clothes we stood up in. We moved into a one bedroom flat with no bath or shower( just a WC), and no hot water.
I rememer heading to uni on the train on my own with my stuff in a backpack, mum didnt have a car. So different to dh and I dropping dd off with every possible item and utensil a human could need! Mum worked like a dog to provide for us, no money from dad, and slept on the sofa every night. 2 of us went on to university, one became a military officer, and one married and had children, the eldest of whom is now a doctor.
People from poor backgrounds can achieve amazing things!

@ravenmum

it used to be possible for a poor, bright kid to go to Oxbridge for free and have enough money from their grant and benefits ... to get a job that paid the government everything back in tax many times over.

But as we see from this thread, everyone learned from the experience - including, presumably, learning the advantages of left-wing politics. Uh-oh.

But what's wrong with the govt getting that money back in tax? It's an investment in the youth of the country. I really don't know what you're talking about - those people would've paid tax in whatever job they had.

@FlippantFair

I had a very privileged childhood. There was so much I didnt know about other people's lives. I learnt pretty sharpish when I left home (young) to get married to someone from a very different background. Pre-internet, I just didn't know what I didn't know. It's quite worrying when I see people from backgrounds like mine going into politics if I'm honest. They have no idea what life is like for many people.

Ha yes, isn’t that the truth!

Genuinely didn't understand that you could be 17 and not have passed your driving test and have a car. Or not know about/been to point to point, spend winter holidays skiing or go to school and know your classmates' brothers/sisters at the other Public school.

My muuuuch older self looks back and cringes wholeheartedly at my lack of understanding.

Although, to be fair, I can't give my children that life and I wish I could.