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Original poster

Early Noughties teen mag ridiculousness

665 replies

SmidgenofaPigeon · 27/02/2021 10:21

Does anyone remember the little nuggets if totally ridiculous advice they’d give you in teen magazines?

I used to be an avid reader of Shout! magazine. The main goal of these magazines seemed to be being popular and having boys notice you obviously, and were filled with totally mad tips on how to achieve these things and not be a ‘geek’ who wasn’t interested. Which is totally inappropriate advice these days, happily.

I remember one was ‘if you are invited to a party, arrive late and leave early! You are a social butterfly who has had to squeeze the party in between other engagements’

Happily I HAD been invited to a party in my local pub function room that very weekend! I spent a long time applying glitter hair mascara to my fringe to make it clump together attractively (why) and I think I even had on one of those fetching skirt with trousers combos with a vest top from Tammy girl. I got my dad to drive round the block a bit so I could try to be late, but it didn’t take very long and I think I turned up at ten minutes after the start time. I had a few dances to All Saints and Steps and drank a couple of cans of Coke and an hour before it was due to finish, I did a big show of having to rush off.

Now, we lived in a very small town. There was NO WAY any other parties were happening on the same night. But desperately trying to stick to my social butterfly narrative I said goodbye and off I went.

I sat round the corner in the bus shelter until it was time to get picked up. While everyone else was having a nice time at the party Confused

What a knob! When I got to school on the Monday everyone was saying it was rude to leave the party early and I felt like such an idiot.

Can anyone remember any more of the ridiculous things they used to spout in these magazines? I’d love to get my hands one now as I think it would be hilarious Grin

OP posts:
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31
hansgrueber · 27/02/2021 13:39

@IndecentFeminist

I remember being told that you had to make something your signature that a boy wouldn't forget. Like a 'pillar box red lipstick' or a beret. Word for word. Amazing.
I am too old for most of these soft porn magazines of the 70s and 80s but I do recall when we were chatting in a group my late OH said that one of my best features was that I could carry 6 pints at once and knew how to score a cricket match!!
JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 27/02/2021 13:40

As a teenagr i also used to buy cosmopolitan. This was in the days when marcelle d'argy smith was the editor and i remember lots of articles about how to ask for a pay rise. I thought i would end up a copywriter, driving a red bmw by the time o was 26.
Alas, i did not!🤣

PatchworkElmer · 27/02/2021 13:42

This thread is making me so nostalgic! Good times.

TheCrowening · 27/02/2021 13:43

@Respectmyauthoritah

I remember one of the sex tips from More was to hum while giving a blowjob. Apparently the vibrations from your throat would 'enhance his pleasure'. To this day, when I picture some poor women giving an enthusiastic blowjob that sounds like a swarm of bees it still gives me the giggles!
Someone somewhere must’ve given this advice to boys too. I remember one man going down on me and humming tunelessly as he got into it. I cracked up. Took us both right out of the moment 😂😂😂 he told me that he thought it’d feel better.
TheCrowening · 27/02/2021 13:45

@Snookie00

I loved them back in the day.

@HappyFourTeeth. I attended one of those VIP day things (god knows why). Found a photo recently of me with male model Steve who must have been about 18 and was clearly uncomfortable having to cuddle 14 year old girls. He was the heartthrob at the time and all my mates adored. Found out that he managed to forge a decent career and is now an actor - Steve John Shephard. Apparently he’s been in Eastenders and other stuff. I still remember him as a gangly but beautiful man of my 14yo dreams.

I’m pretty sure Vernon Kay got his break modelling for Mizz or More. I remember seeing his photos. Didn’t get the what the fuss was about then, either.
JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 27/02/2021 13:46

This was the cover of yhe annual i got

Early Noughties teen mag ridiculousness
Gufo · 27/02/2021 13:46

I had such a crush on Steve - had forgotten his name until a poster upthread mentioned him and I googled. I had an artsy print of him stuck to my diary - Mizz had created a pack of 4 prints of different models as a giveaway!

Misbeehived · 27/02/2021 13:48

Haven’t read the whole thread but was onto glossies by 00. Cosmopolitan was just dreadful and always had very convoluted sex advice which would probably have required a ruler, protractor, and compass to determine where all the body parts were supposed to go. I never bothered. True story!

Bbq1 · 27/02/2021 13:50

Wasn't Cathy in Jackie? Anyone remember Jackie? I collect the annuals and the 70s ones are the best. Me, and my sister still think the page in one of them telling you how to tell if a 'guy' likes you is hysterical. It was obviously a male model but he was pulling much the same face in each photo but it hss captions underneath saying things like 'Shy guy' ' Tired Guy' 🤣

Cactus1982 · 27/02/2021 13:51

There used to be an embarrassing story section in one of them, possibly Shout or J17. Those were the ones I bought most often. One has stuck in my head for the last 20 years. A girl was at a house party and needed a poo , so went out the toilet but then it wouldn’t flush and there was queue behind her banging on the door. So she fished the poo, out wrapped it in tissue paper and hid in her bag. Later in the night some lads were mucking about, grabbed her bag off her and found the poo inside it.

It had to be true as it was too ridiculous to make up.

ExhaustedGrinch · 27/02/2021 13:51

I remember all these, I loved Sugar and Bliss! I also enjoyed More but I was too nervous to buy it because I was quite young, so after leaving the shop one day I asked my older friend who I was with to go back in and get me More ... she came back out with more crisps, I should have been more specific!

LApprentiSorcier · 27/02/2021 13:53

Jackie's agony aunts were Cathy and Claire. Allegedly. I wrote to them twice with different problems and got responses back in my SAE (yay!) but noticed the signature on the second response was completely different from the first response.

flamingomingeo · 27/02/2021 13:56

@WeeDangerousSpike

Oh god, I'd forgotten the magazines!

What was the one that was sex obsessed?? I'd borrow a friend's copy or very rarely buy one, read it, and throw it away before I got home so my DM wouldn't see it!

It was awful, really made out that all teenagers were having sex constantly, and you were really uncool and had something wrong with you if you weren't!

It was More. It regularly featured ‘Position of the fortnight’ and gave tips on how to massage your man etc.
Posyc · 27/02/2021 13:57

I always liked the articles about how you could dress 'up' a white shirt and jeans with chunky jewellery, a waistcoat and rolled up sleeves. Also the different ways to wear a little black dress articles. They used to take photo of a girl out shopping in the street and ask her where she bought each item of clothing and what it cost. I still sometimes imagine myself in one of those photos with my clothes labelled.

Tanith · 27/02/2021 14:08

Someone mentioned "Judy" for pre-teens, which was the first I ever read. I found a link to all those comics recently:
girlscomicsofyesterday.com

I still have my very first annual, that I didn't understand the half of Grin
It had a selection of sewing patterns to try...!

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 27/02/2021 14:09

I remember sending a pic of my ‘Boyf’ into more magazine. Alas, he was not ‘better than becks’ 😂
I’m sure I still have it someone, I’ll have to fish it out and show him 😂

WeeWillyWanky · 27/02/2021 14:11

I started to read Jackie in the early 80s, along with My Guy and Blue Jeans, mainly for the Adam and the Ants posters that seemed to be in at least one of them every week. I remember poring over the photo stories and being desperate for a boyfriend (or a 'fella' ), and the thought of having a steady boyfriend called Steve or Greg was just too thrilling for words. A free gift back then was a once in a blue moon thing, not with every issue so it was a real cause of excitement and anticipation.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 27/02/2021 14:12

I definitely remember More and 'position of the month' like as though any of us were having sex in any position! I think I was about 14-16 when I read it.

I also remember it featuring workouts regularly 'to tone up' and an excruciating 'are you too fat?' test which involved jumping up and down to see what jiggles and pinching fat on your thighs and stomach.

JaneJeffer · 27/02/2021 14:14

@Snookie00

I loved them back in the day.

@HappyFourTeeth. I attended one of those VIP day things (god knows why). Found a photo recently of me with male model Steve who must have been about 18 and was clearly uncomfortable having to cuddle 14 year old girls. He was the heartthrob at the time and all my mates adored. Found out that he managed to forge a decent career and is now an actor - Steve John Shephard. Apparently he’s been in Eastenders and other stuff. I still remember him as a gangly but beautiful man of my 14yo dreams.

He was Michael Moon and was absolutely brilliant and hilarious in Eastenders Grin
PlinkPlink · 27/02/2021 14:15

Oh god I lived for Mizz magazine!!

I remember one issue they gave these free daisy anklet things. I was obsessed with it just a few bits of metal and a few plastic daisies but I was convinced it was so cool.

They always used to use the word 'parp' for fart on the embarrassing reads bit. Why? I have never met anyone who has used that word in RL.

InFiveMins · 27/02/2021 14:15

Wasn't there also Cosmo Teen or something like that? That always seemed very grown up and full of sex although it probably wasn't the case really.

I loved Shout! the most, but also read Sugar, Bliss, Heat.

The worst was when they used to show photos of famous girls and women and criticise their size, clothes etc. They could be really brutal!

My friend and I used to dare each other to write weird and made up problems into Cathy, Shout's agony aunt. We never actually did though.

SuburbanCrofter · 27/02/2021 14:19

a steady boyfriend called Steve or Greg

who would pick you up on his motorbike Grin

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 27/02/2021 14:20

It's Cosmo's fault that I use tampons. They had no hesitation in writing that pads are disgusting and smelly and any 'real woman' would use Tampax. I went straight out to buy a box.

They also had a lot to answer for with my expectations of my first sexual experiences which sadly did not live up to Cosmo's promises. I remember trying to suggest we try coital alignment technique with my uni boyfriend which just resulted in puzzlement all round.

It really is Blushhow much influence these mags had. All my friends read them. It was your only source of j go on stuff you couldn't ask your mum about pre internet

InglouriousBasterd · 27/02/2021 14:21

I went to the Clothes Show Live and had my photo taken with Dan Corsi - he featured in just about every teen magazine at the time Grin

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