I dont seem to do one stupid thing ever, its always a load of stupid things in a row.
One Sunday night I was in a beer garden and my friends wanted a photo taken so I drunkenly stood on a table to take it and then jumped off landing all my weight on my little toe and messing up my foot so much I couldn't walk.
We then decided to head into town, even though I had work the next day. I was so drunk that I didn't think to go home or to a&e, I let people carry me into a taxi and into the next bar. It was late. A friend got drunk and fell out with everyone, including me. I decided to leave although as I hopped outside I realised I couldn't walk home and had no money for a taxi (pre-uber days!). I saw a man getting into a taxi and asked if we could share which he keenly agreed to. Got in the taxi and we were chatting when he said - "this is my stop". Realising we were miles from my house still, I invited him to stay at mine, thinking at least this way he would pay the fare. He agreed.
We got back to mine. I couldn't find my keys. Realised I was locked out and the only was in was to break open a window. I lived in a first floor maisonette where the door was on the ground floor and then a flight of stairs to the apartment. I told him to break my bathroom window, he climbed on the roof and said "is this the right window?" And I insisted it was. He broke the window. It wasn't the bathroom window but the one above the stairs. He fell, what, 10-12 ft. He impaled his arm on some glass and cut up all his back. He let me in and I didnt realise what happened until I crawled upstairs and saw the bathroom window was still intact. It was then I looked back and saw that the stairs, walls and carpet were covered in blood and glass. I panicked. We tried to clean him up using a tea towel tied around his arm. He then suggested the only way to make it up to him was to have sex. So I agreed, thinking that it was only fair! It didn't last long, after a few minutes he said he had to stop as he'd lost too much blood. Then we both passed out. In the morning, we woke up, both in agony and saw the mess and thought... what the fuck?! My whole bed was covered in blood. It was like a horror movie. I called him a taxi to a&e. He was reluctant to go as he said he had Community service and would not be able to miss it! The last thing he said what that he hadn't realised I was lame when he came home with me last night.
I had to call in sick for work. Then I called my landlady and told her honestly what had happened and luckily she found it so funny that she was sympathetic. We got someone to repair the window and she helped me clean the blood from all over the place, it was like a murder scene. Then I headed over to a&e for my foot - thankfully he wasn't still there. I spent two weeks on crutches, had a steep bill for the window repair and felt humiliated. I did manage to track the guy down on Facebook, just to check he was okay. He told me he had permanent scarring on his arm, so he would never forget me. It looked on his profile like he had a girlfriend. I wondered what he must have told her... never saw him again thank god, although a week later a friend said she saw a man in town picking litter with a bandaged up arm!