to share the things my BIL has moaned about whilst staying at our house for the past 3 days?

[BanKittenHeels]

Amazon Prime Video doesn’t have the new Quentin Tarantino film that has just come out at the cinema. Ergo Amazon Prime is a waste of money.

The shower screen in the guest bathroom has a stationary rather than hinged shower screen.

That someone used the loo in the middle of the night and he could hear them flush - his bedroom door was 3/4 open.

We have stair gates, so our children don’t break their necks. “Really inconvenient”

The Thai restaurant sent us too many prawn crackers. They sent an appropriate amount for the number of people, actually.

My deodorant is blue. And what?

We don’t have an endless supply of spare clothes in his size and to his taste.

His hair was still in the shower in his en suite when he went back to use it the next day.

The towels I put out for him are white.

Our front gate is too squeaky.

The planes overhead are too low.

We have too many rugs.

He can hear traffic when in the garden.

Our dogs won’t cuddle him.

Our children wear shorts.

The settings of the seats in the car we lent him weren’t to his liking.

He doesn’t like the preset radio stations on our car radio.

My DH (his brother) “doesn’t wear a hat”??????

We don’t have his very specific music taste available to him on vinyl, although we did think to search out appropriate Spotify playlists for him but “that’s not quite the same authenticity”.

The local swimming pool (in a large city) keeps “provincial, British hours”.

Microwave steamers are “excessive gadgets”. Then 30 minutes later, “I suppose you could steam veg in your steamer, have you thought of that?” No shit!

None of the 3 duvets we offered him were suitable.

I use my inhaler too frequently.

Why do I have rosehip oil in the bathroom, it’s of no use to anyone.

[CigarsofthePharoahs]

He's coming back?
You need to borrow a friend who will open the door to him and then say that they don't know who he is, don't know who BanKittenHeels is, they've lived in the house for five years and if he doesn't leave then they'll call the police.
I'll do it if you like.

[Ndotto]

This is hilarious OP. Is it too early to move this thread into Classics? He sounds a massive PITA but surely he gets points for comedy value? Has he no self-awareness at all?

[Babyfg]

You're not gonna change the man. Embrace it the hate and annoyance! Don't be afraid to laugh in his face and make it the family joke that he's very aware of!

[Actionhasmagic]

I have had the pleasure of working with someone who cannot seem to find joy in any situation - it’s sooo draining

[ChicCroissant]

Burritos suggestion is the winner for me

Can you get hold of a vuvuzela or party noisemaker and blow it every time he makes a complaint?

I have a mental image of him whining at the dining table like Marvin the Paranoid Android and someone whips out a vuvuzela, the resulting blast of noise shakes the cutlery and the whiner continues on unabated.

[EKGEMS]

Is he the real life villain Disney movies are based on?

[iklboo]

Oooh do a flip chart presentation of his moans, colour coded by importance and impact. Do some family brainstorming about what you can do to solve his problems - eg fly a barrage balloon from your roof so the planes fly higher, put a towel in the cistern to quieten the flush, make crackling & hissing noises while he plays the Spotify soundtrack to recreate the sound of vinyl.

[TreeSunset]

You have a guest en-suite and have lent him a car. He’s an arsehole. Although I have a friend and she is so negative I don’t think she’d change or realise the rest of the world doesn’t put everyone down. And wonders why she is single and has no friends.

[TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble]

Cook a delightful meal for his last night, leave a bottle of lovely champagne in an obvious place but don't open it. When he eventually asks what it's for/will it be opened- "No, that's ours. To celebrate you leaving and the complaints stopping".

[nonevernotever]

Can't you send him to stay with us please? No ensuite so hell have to share our bathroom and the cats have a bad habit of chasing spiders round the tub and leaving a trail of pawprints, some fur and the odd spider leg behind ; no car let alone a spare to lend so hell be on the bus, downstairs have a 2 year old who gets up very early and very noisily ;there's a military exercise on which mostly seems to consist of chino oks sitting above the roof at 3am and our towels used to be white but are now greyish with suspicious looking stains.(disclaimer :I don't normally use them for guests - I keep them for the horse - but I could make an exception for John.)

[MartiniDry]

Why do I get the impression of a man who lives in Southeast Asian country, whining his complaints to a timid wife who is grateful that she doesn't understand every word of his English?!

[Troels]

@Coffeeandchocolate9 That is the funnist list, I hope that BanKittenHeels uses some of it.

[Mumsymumphy]

I feel an episode of Midsomer Murders coming on.....Silhoutted, non hat-wearing, short-wearing person sneaks into en-suite guest bathroom with screwdriver. Unscrews stationary shower screen slightly. House guest later goes to have shower, gets toe caught in hair accumulation in shower plug, in the ensuing struggle he slips and grabs the nearest thing - the stationary shower screen. The stationary shower screen has mysteriously become unstationary and comes away from the wall, and screen and house guest topple over. The glass vibrates due to low-flying aircraft and shatters, piercing the jugular of house guest. In the melee a blue deodorant falls off a shelf and doinks guest on head in a parting crescendo.

[TyrionsNextWife]

Provincial, British hours

Is your bil Adrian Mole? 😂

[drsausage]

This is the thread that keeps on giving! (A bit like your BIL)

[mankyfourthtoe]

I'd have to put a piece of paper on his plate with a line drawn on it.
When he asks, that's the line where we decide never to have you stay again, one more complaint about the free accommodation, the car, the tv, the children or the cooking and you're over the line and can pay for the privilege of moaning at people who are being paid to put up with it.

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

Why are you even going to let him come back? He sounds appalling!!

[BanKittenHeels]

Is your bil Adrian Mole?

Oh Christ, maybe it’s a performance piece.
I might ask him how Pandora is these days.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oo, I love the list idea but have a potential upgrade for it - you could have a book of "John's Moans" and maybe do 2 or 3 to a page, then you could have a tally count under each one, so when he repeats them you could go "Aha! I believe that was moan no. 84, let me tick it off"

And of course if it's a new one, you get to go "Oo great, a New moan! That'll be no. 397 - well done, we'll be at 400 before you know it, DH!"

Or similar.

He does sound like a right royal pain!

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

God, could you imagine being sat next to that on a transatlantic flight.

Is your BIL Alan Partridge?

[Taswama]

Pmsl @Mumsymumphy

[LakieLady]

Where does he live?

Yes, I want to know, too. It's plainly utterly fucking perfect, and I'd like to move there.

[youarenotkiddingme]

Yanbu.

The only response is to ask him why he's still there then?!

[Wolfcub]

He sounds like hard work op. I wouldn’t have him to stay again.

[BanKittenHeels]

I don’t want to give away where he lives but I think he has to travel through his own (perfect) arse to get there.