The Mumsnet Commandments of Housekeeping

[Bitchfromhell]

1. Thou shalt not bleach thine pants.
   

No matter if they are your good m&s ones, and even if they are quite new and only a little bit grey. Thou shalt invoke the wrath of thine fanjo no matter how well thou thinkest they have been rinsed.



Please add your own Housekeeping Commandments, borne out of bitter experience, as a checklist for those of us hard of brain cell. And so I don't feel quite so alone in my idiocy.

[ManorMouse]

From The Book of Face:

Go thou and search out the offerings of others, gather them to thine self and bringest them back to bosom of The Net of Mothers so that all may bask in the glory that is contained within. Whoever finds those things most unworthy of purchase in the Marketplace of Online, yea even to exclamations of "Holy shit! Who'd buy such tat?" the blessings of the multitude will be showered upon their heads like so many rose petals and there will be much rejoicing.

[Unicornsandrainbows3]

And the Lord did command to those WiseWomen of the Holy land of MN that such a sacred tome be placed, with greate haste, into the hallowed halls of 'Classics'.

And the people did rejoice. For it was good.

[0nline]

OstentatiousWanking


HalleLuYah !

And lo there was much rejoicing for the prodigal viper had returned to the nest.

A Full Fat Gin was opened in her honour. While one Nobdies viper sulked nearith the Altar of Impending Flounce, cos s'not fair.

From yonder 3 Wise MN-Royalty travelled in their caravan of (entirely necessary) Massive SUVs. They bore the Prodigal Viper the gift of the 3 laws.

Thou Shalt Not Hun
Thou Shalt Not Covert Thy Netmum Neighbour's Sparkly Ticker
Thou Shalt Not Hug without homage to St. Unmumsnetty

And lo did appear The Van of Amazon Prime. For even the Sect of Mouldies had heard the word of her Vipery return and gifted upon her the symbol of Carbon Footprinty Menstruation.

[DragonNoodleCake]

Mine washing has been darked! I didst purposely hang it out at 9pm, to not need to do such chores at first light. I have sinned, please accept my penance

[lifetothefull]

Thou shalt not judge others, although they shalt definitely judge you if thou posteth anything on here.

[notsomuchgreen]

E'en though it may have come to pass in these days that thy DM or e'en thy MIL did things a certain way doth not always unto eternity make that the righteous path for thine own self. Thou shalt maketh up thine own mind, and cast out the teachings and false idols of those who would preach otherwise at the drop of an hat.

For is it not written that life is too fucking short?

[derxa]

[MumBod]

And God spoke unto the Vipers, 'Let us not judge the woman who entereth Tescos in her pyjamas, for which of us can truly say she is without sin? Let she who is without sin cast the first stone.'

And for a moment, peace reigneth, until a lone voice rose up from the multitude, and it did say, 'Fuck that.'

And lo, stones raineth down upon the pyjama'd woman, and the Vipers saw that it was good.

[0nline]

[LornaMumsnet]

Guess what? We're going to chuck this one over to the hall of fame now!

[villainousbroodmare]

Let not yet this List be engraved on tablet of Stone, omitting this most central tenet:

Lest the dwelling house be soiled by a Plague of Visitors, thou shalt ensure that all who enter thy hallowed halls cast off their filthy footwear at thy Threshold.

No man, nay, nor woman nor mewling infant may pass thy Welcome Matte while bearing with them the Dust and Poo Crumbs of Town. Better a toe peeking through a Threadbare Stocking, better a scarlet face or a Frostbitten Extremity than that thy visitors may cast off the very dust of the town that clingeth to their Shoes, and leave it with thee.

[0nline]

Lo it came to pass.

A forest was felled. The rolling trunks groaned and creaked as the Marble Tablets of the Thread were shunted over to The Eternal Temple of Classics.

Not since the Ancient Epilady had been delicately detangled from the Bush That Burns had the vipers been so chuffed.

[IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying]

To every thing there is a season
A time to be born, and a time to baby led wean, a time to toilet train and a time to start nursery
A time to panic about reading levels and a time to beat yourself up about whether to work part time or full time
time to break down, and a time to crack up
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away kimono and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to lock yourself in the bathroom with gin in the bath
A time to get jealous of other people's holidays and a time to lose weight, a time to keep wishing they were still cute and a time to stop doing their washing

A time to mumsnet and a time to watch junk TV

a time to keep silence, and a time to shriek like Ron Weasley's mum
A time to love, and a time to LTB, a time of total chaos and a time of empty nesting
What profit hath she that ironeth unnecessarily?
I have seen the travail, which patriarchal societal expectation hath given to the daughters of men to be drowning in it.

advertising hath made every thing beautiful in its time:
also it hath set facebook in their heart, so that no woman can ever achieve the perfect lifestyle Pinterest marketeth from the beginning to the end.
We know that there is no good in them, but we can't stop comparing ourselves to others and beat ourselves up

For there is nothing new under the sun

[PovertyJetset]

And verily the steam mops were held aloft, raised in great praise to all that was holy.

Never had the great and mighty God shown such mercy as when he invented the steam mop and behold, there WERE clean floors and NO smelly mop head. And he wasn't pleased and praise was given.

[notsomuchgreen]

And it came to pass that a decree went out from the Queen of Sheba the husband of Hannah (for she was a goatherd and she could not read of the scripture) that the royal tribe, including the Queen's servants and even her husband, a keeper of apes of the skies, would be visited upon her son Goldenboy and his lowly wife Hannah when their firstborn was due.

Hannah, who was great with child, made a great wailing and gnashing of her teeth, rending her garments into twain. But the great chief Goldenboy heard her not, for he was also a servant to the queen.

Yea, Hannah led her goats up to a high pasture and there she made loud voice and oaths across the valleys, offering Satan the services of the great queen, for was she not already his handmaiden?

Hannah came again to her encampment and made ready for the arrival of the Queen. Verily the camp shone in the sunlight with no smirch to be found. Yet, brethren, when the hour came for the Queen to arrive and make judgment upon the work of Hannah it was called a midden and there was no health in it.

Such it was in the time of the prophets and shall be evermore.

But it came to pass in those days that Hannah, becoming a mighty trader of goats, plagued not her sons to receive visits or tributes from her unless such ceremony was agreed upon. When she at last shuffled off this mortal coil, the sons and wives of her children made great sorrow and gave up praise.

[Bitchfromhell]

Praise be to those Viper Prophets whose drunken ramblings most diligent recountings of these most important Commandments have ensured they will forevermore be engraved upon the tombs of the hallowed Eternal Temple of Classics.

And lo, it was good.

[0nline]

Praise be to IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying

For she beith our philosopher. Our poet. Our scribe of true histories as we have creatith them. Our soothsayer of threads yet to come around again

What therefore The Vipers hath joined together to , let not a Goady Fucker try and put asunder.

[IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying]

*Online
*
Ecclesiastes' poet doth turn in his grave, methinks

[Bitchfromhell]

And a great plague fell upon the house of hell. For the great maiden of the house had got greedy. Lo, for this maiden a Henry was not enough. "You falling over bastard" she cried and henceforth conjured the Gods of Amazon Prime and prayed on bended knee for a Miele. And so it was. A Miele was found that night in a manger in the outhouse.

But the Miele was not good at carpets. The great maiden of the house did not foresee such disappointment and her wrath did terrify all around. Especially the cat. And lo, the maiden did kick the Miele and braketh three toes.

The great maiden, in her fury, did unpin Henry from his cross and allow him to return to his labours. But only on the carpet. And he was to live in the garage, for the Miele did look better to guests as they hung their cloaks under the stairs.

And so it was, whilst nursing her broken toes and replenishing her soul with gin the maiden did once again conjure the Gods of Amazon Prime who laughed heartily at her error and in punishment, bestowed upon her house a Rechargeable Dyson.

And there the lesson endeth. For no good shalt be bestowed upon a house that prays for a decent vacuum cleaner. For thine sins thy shalt suffer a plague of them. One shalt live in every cupboard. And each of them shall be as useless as the last. And all those who desire clean floors shall forevermore be reduced to a sweeping brush and dustpan. And the sins of the vacuum cleaners shalt test thine marriage in mysterious ways as £400 worth of shit hoovers shall most verily entice the wrath of thine Husband.

And so the great maiden was to spend the remainder of her days in repentance. For she lived a lie and pretended to all who visited that truly she needed all those vacuum cleaners, and loved them all in equal measure.

[JaneJeffer]

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's steam cleaner for it contains the very vapours of hell and is full of false promises.

Neither shall thy covet thy neighbour's Dyson for it will live for many years and cause thee to blaspheme mightily unto the Lord and thou shalt know no peace within its presence and upon its death thou shalt drop to thy knees and give thanks.

[0nline]

Ecclesiastes' poet doth turn in his grave, methinks

Upon the land there shone a great light. With music of harp, and song of cherubim did descend the ArchAngel of GransNet.

For lo she did sayith in tones both dulcet and clear...

"Great wisdom and great age is no excuse for not getting some gentle exercise, whatever the circumstances"

And it came to pass that the Mumsnet Faithful understood from their elders and betters that Ecclesiastes' poet doing spin classes in his grave was right and good.

[SingaSong12]

Do not judge the ready meals and fizzy drinks in the shopping trolley of the person in front of you lest thou be judged for the and and in your own

[KarlosKKrinkelbeim]

And if thou leavest the land of thy forefathers, arm thyself with bags of tea and bottles of calpol; lest terrible thirsts and mild feverishness afflict thee and thy progeny. For such wholesome produce be unknown in the lands of the heathen

[areyoubeingserviced]

Nothing to add. I have laughed at every post

[Inertia]

Do not delay the hoovering of the sleeping-mattress, lest thee be forsaken by a plague of dust mites. For the Lord decrees that those who do not hoover their sleeping-mattress will lie amongst the dead skin; yea , even up to thine own body weight in scales and mites.