My husband has just caught me doing something terrible and embarrassing...

[PrettyRicky]

My DH came home unexpectedly and I was in the kitchen doing something I probably shouldn't have been doing but which I do every time I'm home alone.

I was having an imaginary interview on Radio 4 Woman's Hour about my new, hugely critically acclaimed novel.

DH walked in just as I was saying to Jane Garvey "That's an interesting question, Jane. The book's really a reflection on womanhood at times of crisis".

He was just stood there at the kitchen door and said "What is? Who's Jane?" and then looked around the corner to our dining table, presumably expecting to find someone called Jane who'd popped around for a brew.

I'm a top class lawyer/barrister in mine

DH may have a court case looming (in RL) and I imagine I'm examining the opposition. There's lots of OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR!'s and a fair few I PUT IT TO YOU's.

We win obviously with the judge praising my preparation and execution

I regularly update my Facebook status (to myself, in my head) quite often, occasionally out loud especially at work - "wejammin - has just put the phone down after a conversation with a total twathead and would love a large G&T to recover" "drink emoticon".

I also talk do my Desert Island disks in the car or in my office - "well, Kirsty, the relevance of this particular S Club 7 number is that I discovered it when on Brownie Camp in 1997, which marked a particular period of emotional development for me when I realised that if your best friend gave a sweet to another girl, life was still OK"

I am another one who gets imaginary papped for the Sidebar of Shame.

And I may, from time to time everytime I listen to my iPod picture myself in a music video or such. Especially when walking down the street, it's like a soundtrack. I'm sure my face has deceived me on a few occasions as I have had some looks... I am totally normal, I swear!

In my head I went out with Joel Kinnaman for a while. I was interviewed on Lorraine about it several times. Once, we were snapped frolicking on a beach and I had absolutely loads of interview requests after that. Unfortunately, the relationship didn't last.

Years ago in my head a singer who I used to a massive fan of, like proper massive crush on, enrolled as a mature student on a degree course that I teach on. I was assigned as his academic tutor and his dissertation supervisor. We used to have meetings in my head where the atmosphere in my office was thick with sexual tension but I had to try and help him with his studies.

I get bored cleaning and often do it "in the manner of xxx". Was a trifle embarrassed to be caught out by Dh once when cleaning the bathroom in the manner of a naked ballet dancer ...

Anyway - what's it called when people devise imaginary scenarios that they keep going for ages, like for years even? There's a name for imagining things in that way I think?

I have found my people!

At least twice a day in the car, I'm being interviewed having won a major acting award, or massive lottery win. You lot are a lot more inventive though - I'm totally stealing the cookery programme and the david attenbourgh narration.

Oh and I also single-handedly stop many public mass shootings/terrorist attacks by heroically sneaking up on and attacking the shooter, getting dramatically injured (usually a shot in a fleshy part of my body so looks bad but doesn't cause long term damage as obviously I have to be sensible in my imagination) but winning the fight and saving countless lives. I may sometimes actually act out the whole thing

Oh god. I do this. Mostly in the bathroom with the door locked. I'll explain anything to anyone. The state of the NHS to John Humphries and how to fold a towel to anyone daft enough to listen.

It's OK until DH asks who I was just talking to

Talking to an imaginary Jane Garvey is bonkers.

Talking to an imaginary Jenni Murray is totally understandable.

Talking to an imaginary Martha Kearney is impossible as she is NOT REAL

Oh and apart from my world class singing/writing/acting I also win lots of arguments with everyday people, always in a spectacular and stylish way. Total putdowns that are cutting, yet witty and have the entire audience in the palm of my hand.

Oh my god, this thread is brilliant! You all sound wonderful! It's nice to know I'm not the only one who does these things. I've laughed out loud at so many of these.

I'm usually being interviewed about my best-selling series of novels which, of course, have also been made into block-busting Hollywood movies. I get followed by annoying photographers to whom I give withering glares while I'm minding my own business, popping to the shops in my slobby clothes.

Breakfast Are you not a fan of Jane Garvey?

Natsku yes, I've saved a lot of lives too. The world is a safer place with us in it, isn't it?

Natsku I do that!

In my head when cooking I always imagine what I would say if it was a YouTube video - even on Monday, when tea was an M&S ready made lasagne.

I also am incapable of listening to music without imagining myself making the music video or performing, which tbh i think makes me miss out on a lot of music as I can't imagine myself singing to it! Sometimes it's even random bursting into song type of events. In public I keep my face completely still but alone in bed I mouth along to the words and pull anguished faces if it's a sad song, etc. Also regularly get interviewed in my head. Because one day I will be famous and I need to practice!
Have also been interviewed on the radio, talked a mile a minute and managed to slag off the author I was supposed to be praising as I lost my thread.

Sapphire

I also narrate when I'm cooking or baking, and replay conversations/arguments from ages ago in which I now think of all the most sparkling/incisive/cutting things to say, that I didn't at the time. Esprit d'escalier is my middle name

You are not alone in doing this. Especially when I stop, mentally rewind and add another pithy retort to the mix. Its brilliant.

Other times I just imagine saying to them "you're just a wanking fuckfaced cunting spunktrumpet anyway so who cares what you think?"

I try not to do the latter in real life as I have a feeling that it might cause offence.

I have found my people. I'm the star of so many movies and TV shows. I also have about 10 albums under my belt. This has been going on for years. Years. When putting my makeup on I narrate like I'm on youtube and have even started pretending I'm vlogging when I'm out and about. 'So guys I'm just doing a bit of shopping then I have to go to a meeting about my next project, but don't worry I'll take you with me'. Never out loud of course. Once when making dinner I was explaining to my viewers what I was doing when I heard my dad shout 'Mog...are...are you talking to yourself?'. I panicked and told him to not be silly, that I was rapping to a song stuck in my head. I knew by the look on his face he didn't believe me.

Other times I just imagine saying to them "you're just a wanking fuckfaced cunting spunktrumpet anyway so who cares what you think?"

Yes, if I have exhausted my Oscar Wilde-esque replies I just resort to fantasy no-holds-barred swearing.

When I was about 15, my mum came home unexpectedly. I had my music on loud and I was dressed in hot pants and a push up bra with tonnes of gold chains around my neck because I was, obviously, in a Snoop Dog music video.

We've never mentioned it since but I still die a little inside every time I think of it.

I've done the asmr tapping thing too! Also if I'm alone listening to music I'm all hair flipping, finger wagging, sassiness to the 'camera'. God I must look fucking deranged. It feels good to know others are the same. Makes me feel less of a freak.