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Original poster

I hate having kids

571 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 13/09/2016 18:04

I love them but I hate being a parent. It's dull, it's relentless, it's worrying, it's thankless, it's demanding, it's monotonous, it's exhausting.
I'd throw myself under a bus for them but being a parent has made me totally and utterly miserable. My first one didn't sleep through until he was 4 and a half and the second one is also a terrible sleeper. I'm starting to think it's something I've caused as everyone else I know has had at least one good sleeper.
I can't wait for them to grow up.

OP posts:
colouringinagain · 16/09/2016 11:00

Yes yes yes to dreaming about hospital stays etc... And like someone said upthread somehow I don't think my dh does! Yes to the having more time now but feeling so wrecked mentally and physically that I just can't manage to "get a nice little part time job" or "take up a new hobby" Confused. Just found out this week that my body is officially wrecked from two pregnancies and a traumatic birth, problems now for life (am only 45). Today I really wish I hadn't had my kids even though they're lovely Sad

derxa · 16/09/2016 11:16

.

Rozdeek · 16/09/2016 11:46

punt

I certainly won't be breaking my back to send my DS to private school.

You don't have to do that.

PuntCuffin · 16/09/2016 12:02

It was an in year move when my husband got a new job closer to mine. We could not get a place in any of the local state schools (seriously, there were none, we tried 3 different LEAS that would be within range for my job which I had spent 3 years with a 3 hour daily round trip to do by that point) and I am not cut out for home educating. The original plan was to do it for a year while they were on waiting lists. A year later, still no gaps and they had made friends and settled in. What am I meant to do? Pull them out and make them start again? How much more shit would that make me feel? We are now 4 years down this route. DH is doing well in his job and I am clinging on by my fingernails to get to the point where we can have a cleaner or I can reduce my hours. I have just accidentally got promoted within role so should get a rise which will help. But it isn't just the school fees, it's the constant whinging, bickering, refusing to cooperate with getting dressed, doing homework, eating etc. That wouldn't go away by changing schools. If anything, it would be worse as they'd then have that stick to beat me with.

nightandthelight · 16/09/2016 12:02

My teenage brothers are either in their room or out with friends dread. My mum laments how quiet the house is and that she is lucky if she sees them at mealtimes.

MunchCrunch01 · 16/09/2016 12:14

punt will you be able to get out of this expense at secondary school time? Maybe you really need a behaviour improvement plan and a family meeting to tell them there are certain things they need to do they are not doing with some carrots/sticks? I sympathize, the worst bit of the morning is getting everyone out the door. Make-up is mostly a thing of the past!

Batmansunderpants · 16/09/2016 12:36

I too belong here. I definitely wouldn't have had kids if I knew I would be like this. I had 2 as my husband begged for the second. I find no joy in parenting, despite loving them. I hate playing, the endless mindless conversations and only doing what I want when they sleep. I work and hate taking time off.

I think when I was a child in the 80's in Australia, parenting was different. Parents weren't looked as permanent entertainment for kids, nor were all activities, holidays and time devoted to what kids want. Back then, children fit into the parents life, whereas now parents work around children. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I just don't suit it.

MunchCrunch01 · 16/09/2016 12:40

my mum had 4 dc, and she's never played with us as such - she bought us nice toys, took us to the beach, park etc but she definitely didn't see it as her job to entertain us, and she doesn't keep herself awake at night agonizing over her parenting mistakes.

Squeegle · 16/09/2016 13:03

they are ungrateful - that is what makes it hard. Actually my DD is not ungrateful, but my DS12 has said that it is my job to clean up after him and it is woman's work. Where does that come from? I am a single parent so obviously not from me!!

Squeegle · 16/09/2016 13:06

when the DCs were 2 and 4, I went into hospital to have my tonsils out. The Bliss!! Oh yes, I had a slightly sore throat, but what joy - I could lie in bed, read magazines, watch TV, get food brought to me. I would happily have stayed for days (I was only there overnight after the op which was a great shame!)

GeekLove · 16/09/2016 13:15

Anyone here jealous of Sisyphus? He only had to endlessly push a rock up a hill all day. He didn't have to cook something vaguely nutritious for young children who think 'ketchup' is a vegetable...

mamaslatts · 16/09/2016 13:44

On a bleak day
DS1 (9) - whiny, ungrateful, nothing is ever good enough despite his charmed life, spends every waking minute on a screen if he can
DS2 (6) - manipulative sociopath who never gives an inch
DS3 (1) - genghis Khan in a nappy

NONE of them seem capable of not making a giant fucking mess where ever they are in the house, and howl with indignation if asked to clean up their own mess. Often they just don't do it.

The relentlessness of tidying up coupled with the 3 hour exhausting, frustrating bedtimes finish me off. By the time I get them all to bed it is sometimes 10.30 or later and I have to go to sleep.

Msqueen33 · 16/09/2016 13:44

This is the secret side of parenthood that no one tells you about. I love my kids but the moments of magic are outweighed by the horrible horrible shit that comes daily.

MunchCrunch01 · 16/09/2016 14:50

have you told them about parenting in days gone by? My DDs beloved nanny who's a lovely tolerant nanny used to regularly slap us for whinging and smack for serious misdemeanors, as did her lovely Granny who chased DH with flip-flops. I tell my DDs that and it does make them feel better off and curb their behavior a bit!

soapydopeybubbles · 16/09/2016 17:43

I love DS (2) so much that it makes my chest physically hurt and the thought of anything happening to him makes me feel dizzy with fear but he has absolutely destroyed me.

I'm very overweight, covered in stretch marks, my pelvic floor is wrecked and my mental health feels like it's beyond repair. I'm on a combination of anti-depressants and the unrelenting guilt of parenthood has driven me to self harm.

I barely manage to cope with my job (which I love), I've had months off sick with antenatal depression and PND and my career looks nothing like what I envisaged.

My relationship with DH had suffered because I'm so touched out that I don't want anyone else touching me. I also resent the fact that, through no fault of his, my life has altered so dramatically whereas, in his career at least, he's living his dream.

When I was pregnant I got nothing but support but as soon as DS arrived everyone thought I should be so in love with him that all my other problems would just melt away. Then everything didn't magically get better I was treated like an ungrateful monster. So now I believe I am a monster and will do so for the rest of my life.

The rest of your life is a really long time to hate yourself.

Msqueen33 · 16/09/2016 18:04

Hugs Soapy, you're not a monster. There's so many of us in the same situation. Doesn't make us bad people 🍫

BurningGubbins · 16/09/2016 19:28

I've avidly read this thread in between dealing with my wonderful kids' bullshit all day. I've got 2 weeks before I go back to work and I can't bloody wait. DH is taking over childcare for three months and I not so seriously hope it's as hard for him as it is for me. I suspect it won't be though as I'll actually be useful when I walk in in the evening. Or will I...?

feelingdizzy · 16/09/2016 19:53

Wonderful bloody thread wish I could have read this when my kids were small.I remember when they were born 18 months apart,I said to my mum I love them, it what's the good bit ? She couldn't answer,she's a mother of six !
I have been a single parent for 13 years ,relentless doesn't come close.Now they are teens dd15 has just come into tell me D's 14 called her a sex offender,as she wandered into his room.According to her this was because he was being too loud chatting online to his friend but she said this isn't possible as according to her he has no friends.
This is a good Friday night,no blood shed. This shouting,insulting angry grassing each other up is what passes as family time here.
Only 2 years 9 months till dd is an adult,not that I'm counting !

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 16/09/2016 20:14

Since having dc2 I can't imagine anything ever being easy or enjoyable again!

OP posts:
Mrstumbletap · 16/09/2016 20:50

The annoying thing about this thread is......

It wasn't written 3 years ago.

3 years ago when I cried often, often whilst holding DS, I remember the tears falling onto the top of his head thinking 'How can every other woman do this? How are the other woman loving motherhood so much? I'm awful, I'm the worst mum in the world."

God I wish this thread was written back then, damn you OP!! Wink

SlipperyJack · 16/09/2016 21:10

Something that saved my sanity was taking up running. Before anyone rolls their eyes, I am a PE dodger of many years standing. I hate exercise, would much rather lie on the sofa eating crisps and watching Jeremy Kyle. But I realized I was pushing 40, had two very young children, was fat and enormously unfit. And, of course, had very little time to exercise!

I figured that running was my best bet to slot into whatever time I had - no need to drive to the gym etc. I could barely manage 30 seconds at first....next month I'm doing my first half marathon.

It's ideal for me because I can be alone, outdoors. It's also a sort of virtuous escape - I feel like I get more slack cut going for a run than the equivalent time on the sofa. (And the HM training has really helped - 3 hours to go on a nice walk/jog along the river? By myself? Hell yeah.)

Obviously it's not for everyone. But it's really helped me. Even if I have to insert a super-plus tampon to offset the effects of a brutal forceps delivery on my bladder Blush

Tunnocksmallow · 16/09/2016 21:22

I've found my people.

I love my DC's so much it hurts but these last 2 .5 years of teenage parenting have been some of the hardest I've had in the last 19 of being a mother.... and I've had some pretty shit times!
If I knew then, what I know now.....

CathFromCooberPedy · 16/09/2016 21:26

I had those thoughts OP with dd1. I am in the fog of shitness with dd2 but I keep telling myself you've thought this before and it got better.

I think though one dc is easy. Fuck it's easy. But only if you are silly enough have gone on to have more. Greener grass and all that.

A mum at school looked longingly at my 2 dc and said how easy life was with 2 as she was feeding her dc3. I find myself looking at only dc family and thinking the same!

juneau · 16/09/2016 21:45

Lovely honest thread - thank you OP.

Wow there are so many of us who really don't enjoy parenting most of the time and much prefer the time we get to ourselves. That's me too - always has been. I adore my kids, I'd walk over hot coals for them, I'd give them one of my kidneys, I'd die for them, but fuck me parenting is the hardest damn job I've ever done.

I have a friend who once said to me, with this blissed out look on her face 'Oh I LOVE being a mama, don't you?', to which I, clearly not having a good day, replied 'Honestly? I love THEM, but I fucking hate being a mother! Its just endless tedious drudgery'. She looked at me like I'd just run over her cat Grin. We're still friends. I suspect she sees me as her 'brutally honest' friend, but at least if she's having a shit day she knows who she can tell.

Mol1628 · 17/09/2016 06:27

OP how old is your youngest?

I've had a really shitty time. Cried regularly. Couldn't even work out how to leave the house sometimes, pram, sling, double? Potty, nappies.

The baby is now 19 months and it HAS got easier. Still bloody hard and I still hate having kids but it's definitely a lot better.