I hate having kids

[Throughautomaticdoors]

I love them but I hate being a parent. It's dull, it's relentless, it's worrying, it's thankless, it's demanding, it's monotonous, it's exhausting.
I'd throw myself under a bus for them but being a parent has made me totally and utterly miserable. My first one didn't sleep through until he was 4 and a half and the second one is also a terrible sleeper. I'm starting to think it's something I've caused as everyone else I know has had at least one good sleeper.
I can't wait for them to grow up.

Thanks to this thread and a pp's suggestion I've got back in touch with my previous employer to beg for a job. Here's hoping! Feel very guilty but it's going to be for the best in the long run.

I have thought A LOT about why I had more than one and my reasons are thus :

1. My first was easy - good sleeper, well behaved, excelled academically so homework was never a struggle, has a very similar personality to me so we always got along well.
2. I worked full time after having my first so had a chance to miss him and didn't have to sing nursery rhymes 42000 times a day.
3. I thought I was a fantastic "natural mother". Partly because my health visitor/family/friends told me that I was and partly because my eldest was such an easy child to raise, I gobbled that praise up as though it was all down to me.
4. My mum died. I had no support from siblings and felt (sometimes still do ) rather adrift. I wanted my eldest to have siblings who would support and love each other.
5. I met a new partner who desperately wanted children.
6. Once I had my 2nd, my partner REALLY wanted a 3rd. I did, too, if I'm honest. 10 month gap between DD1 & DD2 and having 3 DC's was actually lovely. I didn't struggle often and really enjoyed being a mum.
7. My 4th was a moment of madness - no contraception and a "well, it would round things up to a nice even number" attitude.
8. My 5th was completely unplanned, failed contraceptive pill (forgot the golden rule of condom when on antibiotics).

So, there we have it, my reasons.

My 4 youngest are all asleep. We have had a horrendous evening because DD3 has a sickness bug, DD1 AND DD2 didn't want to do their homework and I made that worse by not being patient. Writing all that down has made me realise that I was a good mum once, not so long ago. Not perfect, never that, but good. I was more patient, I laughed more and I hissed a fuck of a lot less. They deserve me at my best, not going through the motions to keep up appearances. I envy those mothers with an untidy house who arrive at the school in a laughing miniature cyclone, with their jam-stained kids. They're doing it their way, they're happy. It dosen't look perfect from the outside and Molly's hair could do with another brush through but they don't give a fuck and their kids certainly don't give a fuck and they are all genuinely laughing, whilst I am doing my pretend laugh because I so rarely laugh for any other reason than I am supposed to, these days.
I'm going to make a doctors appointment tomorrow. I need some help.

Great thread.

I don't know how I survived.

LP, caretaker of parents, trying to hold down a job. admin, PT evenings, house, steering DS thru the teenage/early 20's all at the same time....

Exhausted now.

Burn out anyone..?

I'm going to make a doctors appointment tomorrow. I need some help.

Where,
please start your own thread. Your post will just get buried in here because this thread is going so fast! And hitting a nerve.... that is a taboo to talk about....

Thank you Universe for Mumsnet!

I posted my own thread a few days back on the SN board about teens,and why I love having him...take a look ,see my life....I'm so going to have to name change soon.sigh

wheres I'm glad you are taking action - you deserve to be happier than that!

Did anything big chance to trigger this or is a slow grinding down?

I'm exactly the same. I can't wait until my son is an adult. I absolutely hate having someone dependent in me and would never have had a child if I'd known what was involved.

May I join you? I brought a bottle of gin for us to swig neat from the bottle

Thank God for MN, it is a massive help to know this is 'normal'. I blame the media, look at all the adverts with smiley mum with nice hair, neat children, immaculate huge houses. Bollocks! This is reality.

Having children has screwed my mental health and my body. I feel trapped. I feel at all times there is an invisible bungee cord attached to the children so sometimes I can't even make it to the bathroom for a wee without it being jerked back for some drama. I need anti depressants to stop these feelings overwhelming me.

I want a job but I would feel massive guilt, plus, like many others, mumming constantly has worn away any confidence I once had.

But after thinking long and hard, I would rather have them than not. I kind of like having them around. Yet they have sort of ruined my life?? As a PP said, parenting is a headfuck.

I think talking honestly about this is hugely helpful. Thank you OP. to all of you.

This thread has made me feel a lot better.

I have 2 and work FT. When I'm at home I'm on the go all the time and I just get touched out and fed up (also an introvert). I feel guilty at wanting to MN or read just to switch off when the DC are awake because I don't see them much during the week.

My biggest bugbear is sleep. 5 years of very disturbed sleep and counting. Neither DC sleeps through. Last night DS2 was full of cold so woke up 6 times. I am beyond exhausted. I go to bed at 9.30pm, 60-90 minutes after the DC are asleep so my evenings are practically inexistant. I have time to eat and that's it.

We were debating number 3 but I just don't feel like I can do it.

I’ve been watching this thread for days and loving it and just waiting until I had time to response! Agree with all the sentiment on this thread. I had a non sleeping baby that fed every hour for 6 months, it drove me to the brink of madness. I would say I only started to really ‘enjoy’ my DD when she was 2. The stress, the relentless guilt.

She’s 3 now and my favorite person to spend time with: but there are huge caveats around this!

My top tips for making parenting work for me:

Time away from my child I’ve had 3 holidays away from her so far this year, one was a weekend and two were a whole week each time. They are bliss. Every time I return home a new woman.

Hands on husband see above, could not travel without him being on board with this and being fully able to look after her alone whilst I’m away.

Having just one child again, see above – can’t see my DH being quite so keen to be at home alone with two children, but one is pretty easy. I visited friends last week (I was child free!) and the only people around the table who were not completely ground down and without any time to themselves were the ones with only children.

Throw money at the problem if you can, do this. We have no family support whatsoever, live thousands of miles away from them – so we pay for the support we need. We have a housekeeper/nanny and she is a game changer. Cleans the house, loves my child, babysits once a week so we can feel human.

Work This enables all of the above to happen – pays for the trips away, the nanny…also crucially allows me to feel like the old me…

Sounds ideal cats

Cats that sounds perfect.

I'd never have had a second if I'd realised what a huge difference it made. I only had a second because I thought it would be nice for DC1 to have a sibling. They can't stand each other.

Yeah, second is a game changer.

Florathefern thankfully i'm a very happy only child so knew one could be amazing. the thought of organising and dealing with two children blows my mind.

DH really wants another - yet loathes his siblings - madness!

my first question after my ELCS was "how quickly can you put another coil in" and ideally I'd get DH to have the snip......

I knew it couldn't just be me who felt like this, contrary to FB.
Yy to a pp - I want them around, I love them to distraction and yet they've ruined my life. However anything happening to them would ruin my life more which in turn continues to ruin my life due to the worry of anything happening to them...

Cats, sounds like you've got the best of both worlds. I'm so much happier with my two being older (5 & 8), more time for hobbies, studying etc. We went on a really nice holiday where we were able to enjoy more 'grown-up' excursions without worrying about nappies/potty-training/tantrums/bottles, it was great.

It will get better OP, can't promise stress/worry-free but definitely easier. Looking after babies is so so hard, I frequently shudder when I look back at my two being babies. Don't get me wrong, love them and they were adorable, cute babies - but the first one never slept and threw the most amazing tantrums, and the second has had numerous health issues (stress central that was) and he is the fussiest eater ever. No more for me, onwards and upwards.

Well I don't know about being better at five or eight or even fifteen or eighteen. My kids think the world revolves around them. The expense......the worry about the expense, orthodontic trestment, activities, electronic stuff and they want riding lessons which I can't afford.

Holidays for more than two adults are shit a lot of the time, everyone has different ideas about what they want to do. Throw in a couple of kids who haven't yet learned to control their emotions, want to keep moving at a frantic pace, get cranky when tired and the guilt of trying to organise days that they just might enjoy but probably won't and it's my job to coordinate this while simultaneously wiping tears. Some holiday! Screw Istagram and the users pretend filtered lives. They don't fool me for one minute. Take photos of real things which is 95% of your day, not walks in the forest or siping your latte which is the other 5%!

• sipping even

The second is a gamechanger agreed, but our DS2 is a million times easier than DS1 and has actually diluted DS1 a bit and made him more bearable.

If I'd been a SAHM with just DS1 I'd have gone round the bend

Well tbh florathefern, the 'expense' you've stated is of things that I consider very much non-essential, I wouldn't lose any sleep over whether I can afford those things for my children.

I have an app on my phone, only 4543 days to go until the youngest turns 18. They do still move out at 18, don't they?

Some of these responses have really made me laugh, thank you. Not just me. Please tell me what the app is called notwhatiexpected

Having kids is vastly overrated.

At least our parents had the light at the end of the tunnel......we would leave home between 18 and 21 so they got their home and life back.

My parents left home at 18 and 16 respectively. They had their own homes to go to, which they could afford with their starter jobs.

Now, things have changed and I reckon my kid will be at home until about 25. I cannot afford to fund myself, have no pension, nmw pt job. I certainly do not want to fund child until 25!

I'm also dreading having gorgeous skinny teenagers draped all over my house whilst I will be looking like a sweating crone battling the menopause. I'm an introvert and I won't have my sanctuary.

I've lost so so much of my life and my future doesn't look good (I'm excited to see my child growing up, it's lovely. But that's HER life, not mine).

She's 10 and I've now got her to walk herself home from school and I let her in.

She has her own key cut, but is refusing to take it to school. So she's not ready, that's ok. It's like I'm finally starting to emerge from beneath a suffocating, heavy cloak.

I paste on a smile most of the time when she's around and I care greatly about her and her feelings and her life.

But I probably don't have the right temperament for mothering.

The app - It is called "Countdown+". It also tells me only 700 days until I am 40.
ALL THE JOY.

Isn't orthodontist treatment free for kids?