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Original poster

I hate having kids

571 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 13/09/2016 18:04

I love them but I hate being a parent. It's dull, it's relentless, it's worrying, it's thankless, it's demanding, it's monotonous, it's exhausting.
I'd throw myself under a bus for them but being a parent has made me totally and utterly miserable. My first one didn't sleep through until he was 4 and a half and the second one is also a terrible sleeper. I'm starting to think it's something I've caused as everyone else I know has had at least one good sleeper.
I can't wait for them to grow up.

OP posts:
Snotlynn · 14/09/2016 11:44

I'm always surprised at how many women choose to have a kid, or several kids, all you ever hear about parenting is how boring/relentless/unhygienic it is, followed up with a very unconvincing 'er...all worth it though'

I hate having kids
Poshsausage · 14/09/2016 11:47

Thank you for this thread I think it will be the only one I've ever read I'll remember
I've got a pain tiredness condition and ds has ADHD asd and maybe the ds3 too , no external family support
I've found myself suicidal the past year over the children's screaming j can't take it any more it's non stop arguing and violence from my ds2 he is quite unmanageable
I've had to carry on past my breaking point I'm utterly exhausted
I never knew it could be like this I had no idea
I'm on anti depressants to help me sleep and stop me from jumping off a building but now I'm in even more pain and more tired and more fat as a result
Just got to keep going
Dreading the teenage years
I'm 42 and terrified of the future
If I knew then what k know now ... I'm not sure it all balances out quite frankly
But there , that's my honesty right there

BlindAssassin1 · 14/09/2016 11:47

Yes to all the above!

I just want a rest. A real holiday. Not camping or self-catering which are more work than staying home and involves a tantrum from someone at least once an hour.

I had minor surgery a few years ago with general aesthetic. Best 40 minute nap I've ever had. The nurse had to give me a little shake to come round. Still think about that nap.

ImAMorningPerson · 14/09/2016 11:51

Having one kid was an absolute breeze.
So I thought I'd have a second, but he turned out to be consulting with the devil daily.
And number 3, she was a beautiful surprise...
I love them all dearly but they're a massive test for me, a test I didn't study for. Wine

allegretto · 14/09/2016 11:54

It does get better! This year I had my first holiday in 10 years! We actually go on holiday every year but youngest has now reached an age that means I can relax a bit on a sun lounger knowing that no one is likely to run off / poison / impale / drown themselves. Brilliant!

ohlittlepea · 14/09/2016 11:54

I have these days too. Part of me thinks it's because we aren't living how we are supposed to..not many of us have that often spoken about 'village' around to help us raise the child. We live pretty insular lives now and I think as mums with young children that's tough.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/09/2016 11:56

A timely thread as today I feel I've raised utterly selfish teens with no concern about me whatsoever.

I'm lucky in the fact that I'm very rarely unwell but today I woke up in the early hours with some kind of back spasm - took me about 20 minutes to get myself out of bed and to the loo.

Spent the rest of the night mostly awake and then woke the teens for school - they could see how much pain I was in from the cack handed way I was hobbling along, and I told them obviously. Slight murmering 'oh dear, shame', then back to full on 'where's this, where's that' - can you make me a packed lunch, any chance of a lift ........ and a bombsite left behind ... wet towels on floor, shit everywhere.

I've seriously done something very wrong raising them and feel very down about it today. They're spoilt and selfish Sad. One of them barely acknowledges me unless she wants a lift or money.

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2016 11:58

I always wonder why people have more than one too. I have an only child. I find most aspects of parenthood tiring, draining, and often boring. I love him beyond measure but I have zero desire to have more.

pickledparsnip · 14/09/2016 12:00

For me it's the guilt. I felt guilty about most things before I had my son, but since he came along it's constant.

Forever worrying that I'm going to fuck him up. Guilt for breaking up with his dad, guilt for shouting at him, guilt for not homeschooling him, guilt for letting him watch loads of tele so I can have a break or a little bit more sleep. Just a fuck load of guilt, all the fucking time.

MarvinGorilla · 14/09/2016 12:01

I can relate to everything everyone has said. I love ds to pieces and now that he is older (6) I feel myself finally managing to unclench a bit as I am not having to sidestep tantrums every three minutes. That said, he never ever ever stops bloody chatting from the second he wakes to bedtime, I can't think straight to do anything, and unless I stick the tv on for him (and then feel guilty) I can't get the housework done as he constantly wants my attention to do character's voices. Constantly.

I adore him and I do find there are little golden moments all the time, such as him telling me he loves me 'one million' or making me laugh my head off, but God, I miss worrying less. I am wracked with worry all the time about him- his diet, his health, his safety, his emotions, am I parenting him well enough etc. And the 'what if' worries go on and on.

And, on a lighter note, I so so miss holidays. Ah, holidays. Where you get up at leisure and think ooh what shall we do today- lounge on the beach? With late nights and freedom and all the rest of it. And having weekends free to do whatever I please. Everything is tied up now with entertaining him.

But, ultimately, he is my whole world and I can't imagine life without him.

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2016 12:05

Sandyballs, I'm sorry you had a shit morning with your teens. I have to admit I was a totally selfish, self absorbed teenager myself. These days I'm the first person to jump up and open a door for someone, or who nags my parents to take better care of themselves and urges them to go on holiday etc.

I think if your kids grew up amongst kind people they will become kind adults. Teen years don't count because teenagers are arseholes.

IceBeing · 14/09/2016 12:20

It is officially known that having children makes you on average less happy....although according to the data here it does depend a lot on what country you are in...but Britain, Ireland and the US are all well and truly in the non-parents happier than parents camp.

So it isn't just the people on this thread...it is most people in the country.

Windthebloodybobbinup · 14/09/2016 12:25

Going back to my career in Jan. Wondering how I'll cope with 2 but by god I'm looking forward to it. Baby is actually quite easy but my 3 year old will not. Leave. Me. Alone for more than 5 seconds. I've never felt the rage quite like it when she starts being in my face as I'm trying to BF a crying newborn !!!

Msqueen33 · 14/09/2016 12:33

Posh sausage I feel you. One of mine has autism and ADHD and the other has autism. Eldest is nt with an autoimmune disease.

I often wonder why I had more than one. That said the elder two adore each other. I don't know why I had number three. I adore her but her autism is hard work and her elder siblings leave her out as there's a 3 and 4 year gap.

It's the intensity I find hard. I have noticed though I don't sweat the little stuff most people do (due to the kids having disabilities), I've more patience than I thought possible but I do feel like my life as I know it is now over. I can't leave my kids with anyone. My mother despite living a ten minute drive away is no help at all. It's the intensity of it. I'm constantly meeting demands, breaking up fights, fighting for services for the two with disabilities, my dh is never here as he works long hours to support us and I'm never too far away from what feels like the edge of a breakdown. I suppose it feels like a natural progression and something you're meant to do having kids. I imagine people who decide to have none get glances to suggest they're strange. But I miss not feeling tired. Hell when I think I complained when I was young that i was tired I want to slap my younger self as I had no idea what being tired actually meant.

Poshsausage · 14/09/2016 12:41

Same here msqueen my eldest has an auto immune disease too I'm kind of worn out with being alive but I'll go on
I often think f the stately homes thread and think of the parents who may not have meant to be abusive or cold but were just worn out , I don't think anti depressants were as prevalent for rthat generation . I do wonder if I'm messing up the children but I'm trying to keep us all going
Feel for you too x

Crunchymum · 14/09/2016 12:47

Definitely found it harder with two.

My first was easy, calm, chilled, slept through from 10w and was pretty easy! I still had my moments of finding it hard but actually it was quite easy.

The he turned 2 and my non sleeping, CMPA, clingy, demanding child was born.

Had my first child been like my second we'd probably have an only

[I must caveat by saying of course I love both my kids and I never compare them in day to day life but for the purpose of this thread I am making the comparison!!]

Crunchymum · 14/09/2016 12:48

Just re-read and I use the word easy 3 times to describe DC1, I guess you all get the point.

MunchCrunch01 · 14/09/2016 12:55

it absolutely gets better. I prefer older children - the endless early starts and stopping them from killing themselves climbing/eating something they're not supposed to and trying to get them to go in the direction you want to go in without a tantrum is the worst. Anybody fantasize about what they could do with all the money they spend on childcare? I say to them sometimes - mummy could kit herself out in Armani for the money I spend on nursery/ASC/Holiday club/their stuff etc. DD1 finds that interesting.

MargotLovedTom · 14/09/2016 12:56

It's entirely understandable to feel like that when there are SEN, or health related conditions which make life a lot more exhausting. I don't have any of those issues to contend with, and I actually feel a bit guilty now for moaning about my dc bickering when it's not that big a deal really.

There's a huge contrast with my childhood though. I don't remember my mother shouting at me much, if at all, when I was young let's not mention the teenage years, but there was only my brother and I, he was five years older and very laid back so we didn't argue at all, and I played out with friends at every opportunity meaning I wasn't under my mother's feet when she was busy, or following her around asking "What are we going to do today?". A lot more is expected of parents now, whereas in the past they were more hands off and just let children get on with it. That makes it stressful.

Graceflorrick · 14/09/2016 12:57

I have one DC and adore being her mum. She never gets on my nerves, I love spending time with her and she is very easy going. I'd love more and have been really sad that it can't happen due to infertility. Reading this thread has made me realise how lucky I am with DD and I'm now determined to stop wishing for another Grin

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 14/09/2016 13:09

It turns out 2.5 children is the upper limit of my comfortable parenting range. I found two relatively easy once we got through the hard core baby days. And a lot of the time, it was good fun. We thought another child would be more of the same.

I wobble on my tipping point with three children. Some days, like those at the end of the seven week holidays, I think I am sunk for sure. I look forward to when ds3 is a little older and less tantrummy, I think I'll be ok when sleeps through and relaxes into the world a little.

I'm not so much of a pessimist to think it won't get better. I think it will. But, fuck me, some days, the noise; I have to use every ounce of resilience I have accumulated in this world not to stick my head in a blender.

SleepyRoo · 14/09/2016 13:18

I love looking at them when they're asleep.

I love framing photographs of them.

I love telling people their names.

I hate feeling short-tempered, tired and scuzzy-looking!

P0ndLife · 14/09/2016 13:22

This is so wonderful to read! My first is 4 months and I love him... But maybe not as much as everyone at baby group loves their babies 😞. It's hard work.

However please don't anyone feel guilty for wanting a life outside children! My mum adored being a SAHM and lived for her girls. She regularly pines for when we were tiny ~and not really people with opinions~ She struggles massively now we have grown up.

She is cloying, clingy and completely over-invested in me and my sister.

I'd love to have a mum with her own life and identity!

Rozdeek · 14/09/2016 13:26

I feel like the op but I have no desire whatsoever to return to work

How can that be possible Confused

saffronwblue · 14/09/2016 13:27

Mine are older, 14 and 17. It gets less physically demanding, of course , although I have never caught up on sleep. What is stressful is seeing all my faults and flaws in them-,they are anxious, sarcastic, over think everything, don't make friends easily and disorganised like dh . I love them so much and worry they just dont have the skills they need for adult life.