Tell me your 2-year-old has done worse?

[CesareBorgiasUnicornMask]

I mean worse than shouting obscenities throughout a church service... I am still cringing and DH is at work so I have to get this out of my system and have nobody to share the horror with yet.

For background info - we went for a few days at the seaside this week. Since when DS is OBSESSED with beaches. Every time we get in the car he thinks that's where we're going. And shouts about it constantly. Except what he actually says is very clearly 'bitch'.

'A bitch', 'my bitch', 'more bitch', 'want bitch', and (my personal favourite) 'bitch pwease'. So far so toddlerish and moderately amusing though it wears thin when you're poked awake at 6am by a small person repeating 'mummy BITCH' at increasing volume.

BUT, this evening we went to church. And he was convinced as ever that we were going to the beach, and we were in a rush so I didn't have time to do the expectation management that I have been. Cue outraged astonishment when we arrive at church, and the 'bitch'ing starts.

Managed to keep him quiet for the first twenty minutes or so, mostly by stuffing in a mini cheddar every time he looked like he might start shouting, but I ran out just as the sermon started.

So when the priest paused for a dramatic silence after posing a rhetorical question, my angelic-looking toddler jumped up, and yelled 'BITCH!' in ringing tones.

This understandably threw the priest off his stroke somewhat, and he stuttered and completely lost his thread. All heads turned towards us, and meanwhile DS was getting into his stride and was unshushable.

This culminated in me slinging him over my shoulder and hauling him out of church while the entire congregation watched in bemused horror as he cried 'yay! BITCH! Yay!' with unmitigated glee all the way down the aisle because he thought this meant I had finally come to my senses and decided to take him to the beach instead.

I can clearly never go back.

[CesareBorgiasUnicornMask]

Town Mouse Cunt Mouse made me lol. We're about to go off to the Lido as a consolation prize for being unable to produce a bitch. He tends to shout 'poo' (pool) joyfully every few minutes while swimming which gets nervous looks from fellow swimmers. Hopefully in the open air this will be slightly less audible...

[heehaaw]

DD uses fuck for fork, cock for clock, drops the L in playdough ("look mummy, look at the paedo!") & she doesn't really do "inside voice".

[NeedACleverNN]

Yeah we have cock for clock at the moment from the 3 year old

We have a very large and noisy clock in the town centre. It bongs every 15 minutes.. Cue Dd shouting "look mummy, big cock again!"

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

Another cock instead of clock over here. "Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the COCK!" Always at 100 decibels and always when we are at the supermarket.

"Tick tock tick tick goes my Grandad's BIG COCK! But my Grandma's LITTLE COCK goes ticktockticktock!"

[Thingywhatsit]

This will out me but nevermund, took my ds when he was 2 through a packed town square at lunchtime and he kept screaming "mummy big cock, mummy big cock hurt me"

Turns out he thought the numerous pigeons were cockerels which he had been taught to stay away from as grandad had a rather vicious one.....

[LaserShark]

Mine pronounces Minions as 'minge'. That has proved somewhat embarrassing.

[90daychallenger]

jammh At about 3, my friend was teaching her son that people don't want to see what's covered by your vest and pants- he had a habit of getting naked anywhere and everywhere. He called everything under the vest and pants is his 'willy'.
One boiling hot summers day we took him out in just a T-shirt. He took great pleasure in asking numerous people if they like his willy.

[FruitCider]

Churches are used to noisy children, maybe ring the church and apologise and explain about the beach thing? If it makes you feel better that is! Otherwise just laugh it off next time!

[AgentJ]

I have another who shouts, loudly, for 'cockporn' in the cinema. Except he's 5

[liquidrevolution]

Another 'bitch' shouter here. Embarrassing when we are sat outside my parents 'bitch hut' and2yo DD is pointing and yelling 'bitch' at passers by.

I apologise to all Cromer visitors. I hope to sort her enunciation out by next year .

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

We had the bitch/beach thing with our first. For the second onwards we were very careful to call it the seaside!

[NarcyCow]

The first time my DD was in a church (for a neighbour's child christening, at which there were about 30 people), she wore a look of concentration for a few minutes and then shouted at the top of her voice 'Big poo! I did a big poo!'.

She hasn't been in a church since.

[Eminybob]

Yeah, cock for clock here.

His latest though it just shouting "damn" repeatedly for no reason. I'm pretty sure it's not actually damn though as it's just not a word we use fuck, yes, damn no but I can't work out what he is trying to say.

[Mycatsabastard]

This thread is utterly delightful. I salute all parents of toddlers doing the walk of shame when their child humiliates them in public.

[scampimom]

Yep. DD often asks for cockporn.

She once pointed at my foot and announced, "Twat." No idea where that came from, and she's never done it again.

[Florin]

We were driving down a lane near our house in a rural area when my ds age 3 suddenly shouts very loudly Paki Paki. I was horrified as this isn't a word that my dh or I use and never would, I was thinking I would need to have strong words at nursery. We also live in a rural area which isn't very socially diverse and I was surprised he had seen anybody at all but hadn't seen what he saw. The next day it happened again. This time I looked out the window in time to see what he was looking at. In our area there are lot of alpaca farms and he had seen a big field of them. I was so relieved and spent a lot of time with him over the next couple of days working on the correct pronouciation. Thankfully I hadn't gone into nursery to have a chat with them about it before realising what he meant.

[timelytess]

"Do you know what Johnny McGrath says? Johnny McGrath says 'Fuck off!'"
My new catch phrase!

[worriedinwonderland]

My Ds would say asshole instead of castle, until he was 5!

So whenever there was a party with a bouncy castle he would be so excited for the bouncy asshole

[Iambubbles86]

Ds1- taught him a group of birds is a flock, every time he saw a bird outside he would shout loudly "fuck a bird, fuck a bird".

Ds2- 2 very pretty teenage girls walked past us in the street and ds2 shouts " I would smash em", everyone stares at Dh thinking he's taught ds2 derogatory comments about women when actually ds2 is just obsessed with hulk and happened to choose these 2 particular girls as his hulk victims that day

[Iambubbles86]

Oh and ds1 did the "my uncle has the biggest cock" when he meant to say my uncle has a watch with the largest face.

[Cheesymonster]

Bitch pwease is brilliant.

My DD can't pronounce the "tr" sound so truck becomes fuck and traffic becomes fuck it. And our church has big toy trucks for the children so she'll yell out "Mummy! Big fuck!"

[youarenotkiddingme]

Oh my this thread has had me crying!!!

I suppose you could be great full he didn't as for his 'fuckit and spade' to take to the bitch?!

But "town mouse cunt mouse" had me roaring!!

I'd like to say it gets better by Ds wrote in year 3 about his recycling machine he'd made and how it's crushes cans. He thought of the idea because "mummy likes to dunk cock"

[Bumpkin2]

My daughter used to say dick instead of stick. She also used to call anything small baby, she was running around the park one day shouting me want big dick, me got baby dick!

[Bigfam]

These are hilarious 😂
My 18month old has somehow managed to confuse 'look' with 'dick' (it's just the way she's saying it) because she's so inquisitive when we're out she points at everything and says 'look mummy' except it comes out 'dick mummy'
She's also learnt (from grandad) to mutter/whisper 'awwww fuck' under her breath, she's even saying it when it could be appropriate, like when she drops something or falls over 😅

[Sax88]

Our neighbours eldest son has some issues with bad language, behaviour and generally becoming aggressive. When this occurs he is often turfed outside. My son who is 2 next month spends a lot of time in the garden. Our fences are 7ish feet so they can't see when DS is outside. Next door DS was having a bit of an episode in the garden, smashing something to pieces and hurt himself. Then proceeded to yell 'F$#£%&G HELL' at the top of his lungs. I went out to get my DS inside but it was too late. So now he is repeating this all the time. Not everyday but nearly. And when he does say it it's about 20 times.... I have tried everything to stop it and can't. Absolutly mortifying and when I said to next door his mum said she is so out of control of him she can't help.... I now have to sit out there with him and whip him inside.