My parents are mad (lighthearted)

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

Okay so it's 4.30am and I can't sleep because my parents are quite mad.

I am pregnant and suffering from morning sickness as well as having had some bleeding for the last couple of weeks. My husband is away with work this week and when me and toddler DD caught heavy colds it became clear that I couldn't look after us both, so we've come to stay with my (very lovely, it has to be said) parents.

They live a three minute drive from us so we never ever stay. As such I haven't been here overnight- aside from one Christmas when I got pissed some years ago and the night before my Nans funeral- since I left for uni.

In that 15 years my parents seem to have gone a bit potty in a way that I didn't notice without staying over.

Examples-

• the broadband gets switched off at bedtime (ie 10pm). When I queried this, my Dad said its a fire hazard. Do people do this? Our broadband has been on constantly since we moved into our house in 2010. How would it record sky otherwise?!
• bedtime, as mentioned, is 10pm. Like a weird lodging house from 1973 we are all expected to have retired to our room by then.
• I am in the spare room, in the spare bed. I noticed that the bed was a bit short. My feet touch the footboard. When I queried this my Mum said "your Dad sawed the end off to shorten it. He doesn't like a long bed." WHAT?! He's not a tall man- 5ft 9ish- but that's mental. I'm 5ft 8... I don't think anyone much taller could sleep in it. The room is not small and my Dad doesn't routinely sleep in it, so he's ruined a bed for no reason.
• my Mum has a washing turn around time of maybe 2hours from washing basket to ironed. Honestly, it's mental. She asked if I had anything of mine and DDs to wash. Gave her a pile of washing and it was back and clean and pressed on my bed within two hours tops.
• we had to sit in silence for the duration of Midsomer Murders.
• despite being absolutely filthy rich, they don't have sky upstairs, decent toiletries (I'm talking Tesco Value Hair Spray) or contract mobiles (they burn through credit like 13 year old girls in 2001) because "there's no need".
• when my morning sickness struck I wandered into the kitchen and asked my Dad what the had that was "plain, dry and maybe crunchy" ie a cracker or rich tea biscuit. After much hunting the only thing in their kitchen that even touched that description was some celery. They had just had their shopping delivered but tend to "not eat snacks" said my Dad. There's not eating snacks and then there's just being weird.

Parents are mid sixties and clearly barking.

Tell me I'm not alone.

My parent's best friends used to drain every radiator in their flat, before going away on holiday, in case they leaked and damaged the flat below. They also drove an Eos, and recorded how many times they put the roof down/up in a little book in the glovebox.

Up until 5 years ago, my Mum would arrive at our house with just a normal handbag. Like normal women do. But then it all changed. Now, she arrives with said handbag, plus a bag containing miscellaneous tat - such as slippers, a freebie newspaper 'she thought I might like', half a bottle of shampoo she doesn't want and several pieces of junk mail that she wants me to shred 'as they have her address on them.'

Why? Why???

She has also lived herventire life in the suburbs of the same city. She has probably shopped in the John Lewis there for over 40 years, week in and week out. But she is totally baffled where any department is in there, and if questioned couldn't ever tell you which floor she was on. She would constantly get lost. From as young as 8 DDs would be despatched to 'go and find Granny and bring her to the cafe...'

These are amazing.

This could out me but my grandad used to put butter in his hair. My mum went to pick him up for something and he was like "oh, nearly ready, just need to do my hair" and got some butter from the butter dish and combed it through to style it and then when my mum asked what he was doing he said "what do you mean, I've always done this"

Fuck knows whether he actually had.

He also got a new tv with built in freeview and my mum (who is not technically minded) spent ages setting it up. Then he rang her to say it wasn't working. I said I'd have a look at it. Had a glance round the back and it was clear that two of the wires had been swapped round. "Grandad, have you been messing with these wires?" He was adamant he hadn't, but nobody else had touched it! So stubborn

Eatshitderek So does your chicken hating dad actually have chickens? Or did he build a house in case any should end up in his garden one day?

Quiet my mum has conversations like that with me! It drives me nuts. One minute we're having a normal conversation and the next she's talking about a new pond weed she wants without actually introducing a new subject.

My Dad had the "you'll break it" obsession with anything electrical.
As a child I wasn't allowed to record anything on the video player because if I pressed the button, apparently I'd break it.

Same with their ancient PC.
I was trying to install a game I think, and it wasn't working. My Dad came in to "fix it"
"Look, Dad, I think it'll work if we try this" (goes to click the start button)
"NO DON'T DO THAT YOU'LL BREAK IT, GET UP AND LET ME DO IT"
cue heckling me out of my chair, sitting down, spending five minutes adjusting the mouse cable (picking the mouse up and waving it around to make the cable loop around it) and then another ten minutes of slowly moving the curser all around the screen before he clicks the start button with a ridiculous flourish. I used to just leave him to it, it'd take him hours just to install something from a disk. Prat.

Whenever my parents go on holiday, they hide the TV remote. They think that if the house is burgled while they're away, this will deter the thief from taking the TV. They do know that universal remotes exist - I used to own one!

They also do the switching the router off at night thing.

I was a 13 year-old girl in 2001

My mum got drunk and buried hers in the garden.

It has never been found.

My parents turns up with bags of random tat too! Usually things that she wants to get rid of so thinks I might like them cluttering up my house instead. They could just take it all to the charity shop and cut out the middle man!

DM Remember Rosemary?
Me No
DM You must do, she was at the wedding.
Me Who's wedding
DM Mine.
Me Mum, I was born 8 years after you got married.
DM Tells me about Rosemary anyway.

I switch my router off at night to avoid wasting electricity, and also the TV and all downstairs non-essential sockets. The fire service advise it but I do it out of habit. They're not off for long as I go to bed late and have to get up early.
I wouldn't have Sky if you paid me for it.
I am 45.

My Nan would regularly go through the rigmarole of trying to get you to remember people...

You know, her who used to wear the black hat, lived down such and such a lane, worked at the factory with do and so, drove a blue fiesta......

Well she's dead.

Always ended that way, and we never knew who the person was anyway.

My ex-FIL used to get sent up into the loft by ex-MIL every 6 months to hoover it. Yup, not only had they boarded out he loft they'd carpeted it too! It wasn't even one of those lofts that was the top floor of the house type of rooms, just a loft space with a drop down ladder...

MIL wouldn't steam veg as it made it poisonous (steamed veg releases toxins you know) but she'd microwave it to buggery instead.

nattyknitter haha I love the un son has given in and sends her Christmas greetings, that's brilliant :)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles you can't say "shall we.." in my dps house because the dog will think it's time for a walk and start mithering.

My dad goes to bed at 8 pm "because that's when the dog gets tired"

And if you make toast, you have to make an extra piece, because the dog likes it and it's not fair on him if you don't give him a bit. Didn't say that when I was 6 and wanted some of your Toblerone though did you old man!?

My dps have been married for 35+ years and without a shadow of a doubt, the dog (who is a boy) is the love of my dad's life.

I got told one day that I would have to have a peach yoghurt because the dog wanted the lemon one and there were only two left. How this was determined I don't know, but it did arrive open, so I have my suspicions.

Tangerines I think she just bludgeoned him into submission with the sheer volume of emails. And she is quite a nice lady really.

She also has an obsession with shredding everything.

I do respond to a lot of comments with, 'Have you been reading the Daily Mail again?' as she is convinced most of what she reads is true. Letting her loose on the internet has its drawbacks.

This sounds like my parents who are just hitting 70.

They turn the intern off between uses "because of hackers". To be fair they have accepted now that when we arrive (me and teen dc) that the internet just remains on, well at least until bedtime which is also 10pm.

My dad asks the night before, who wants toast for breakfast and then brings in the exact number of slices of bread from the freezer. At breakfast we discuss whats happening at lunch time and tea time and again, the daily allowance of bread is brought in from the freezer to defrost.

My dad washes everything up by hand despite having a dishwasher,

My mum and stepdad like to go out for a cup of tea and a scone, everyday.
Nothing stops them, floods, snow, ice, apocalypse; nothing.
A couple of years ago they went for their daily cuppa after heavy snow where we live (West Yorkshire), choosing a back road near Emley Moor, high and exposed.
The car got stuck in snow and a guy in a four by four towed them out. They got stuck again, a group of blokes from a nearby house pushed them out. They got stuck again and a farmer towed them out using his tractor. They managed to get to the cafe which, due to the weather, was shut.
We were affected by the recent floods, but this didn't stop them. Nothing but nothing interrupts the daily tea and bun run.

My mum also loves gardening but hates leaves on plants. She cut all the leaves off her raspberry plants, because the "leaves are stopping the rain getting to the roots". Her garden is full of bald stalks.

Fastingmum. I think teaching the cat to use the door knocker is genius - hahaha!

Mine are slightly bonkers too. Love them dearly. Dad told Mum she could use the Internet to do online banking. She thought she could pay money in by feeding a cheque into a slot, hee hee.

sdt our TV did blow up when the aerial was hit by lighting. Very loud bang, glass everywhere and no TV for 2 weeks while the insurance was sorted out. But those were the days when the tvs were the size if a house !

How about keeping a tin of dog food on the kitchen window sill to deter burglars? No dog though.

Or posting a random bus timetable to dh in case he needed it. From the Lake District - we live in Scotland.

Or following the window cleaner from room to room as he worked his way round on the outside of the house, standing and glaring silently at him daring him to miss a bit. He never did come back

Oh, and all sink plugs must be kept in at all times (except when letting water away obv) in case a water snake or bug comes up the pipe. not a normal occurrence in Scotland to be honest

All windows to remain closed at all times, even in the height of summer because a wood louse might come in.

ThomasRichard I was a 13 year old girl in 2001 too

DM: Did you hear about X?
Me: Who's X?
DM: You know X, she's going out with Y.
Me: No, no idea.
DM: You do know them, on Coronation Street!
Me: I don't watch the soaps, I haven't watched them since DD1 was a baby.
DM: You should watch them! (Proceeds to tell me all about X and Y and the current plotline of a soap I haven't watched for over 13 years!)

This is the same woman who bought a corkscrew one day, thinking someone had mentioned they needed one. When she got home she remembered who it was. Shane and Angel in Home and Away!