My parents are mad (lighthearted)

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

Okay so it's 4.30am and I can't sleep because my parents are quite mad.

I am pregnant and suffering from morning sickness as well as having had some bleeding for the last couple of weeks. My husband is away with work this week and when me and toddler DD caught heavy colds it became clear that I couldn't look after us both, so we've come to stay with my (very lovely, it has to be said) parents.

They live a three minute drive from us so we never ever stay. As such I haven't been here overnight- aside from one Christmas when I got pissed some years ago and the night before my Nans funeral- since I left for uni.

In that 15 years my parents seem to have gone a bit potty in a way that I didn't notice without staying over.

Examples-

• the broadband gets switched off at bedtime (ie 10pm). When I queried this, my Dad said its a fire hazard. Do people do this? Our broadband has been on constantly since we moved into our house in 2010. How would it record sky otherwise?!
• bedtime, as mentioned, is 10pm. Like a weird lodging house from 1973 we are all expected to have retired to our room by then.
• I am in the spare room, in the spare bed. I noticed that the bed was a bit short. My feet touch the footboard. When I queried this my Mum said "your Dad sawed the end off to shorten it. He doesn't like a long bed." WHAT?! He's not a tall man- 5ft 9ish- but that's mental. I'm 5ft 8... I don't think anyone much taller could sleep in it. The room is not small and my Dad doesn't routinely sleep in it, so he's ruined a bed for no reason.
• my Mum has a washing turn around time of maybe 2hours from washing basket to ironed. Honestly, it's mental. She asked if I had anything of mine and DDs to wash. Gave her a pile of washing and it was back and clean and pressed on my bed within two hours tops.
• we had to sit in silence for the duration of Midsomer Murders.
• despite being absolutely filthy rich, they don't have sky upstairs, decent toiletries (I'm talking Tesco Value Hair Spray) or contract mobiles (they burn through credit like 13 year old girls in 2001) because "there's no need".
• when my morning sickness struck I wandered into the kitchen and asked my Dad what the had that was "plain, dry and maybe crunchy" ie a cracker or rich tea biscuit. After much hunting the only thing in their kitchen that even touched that description was some celery. They had just had their shopping delivered but tend to "not eat snacks" said my Dad. There's not eating snacks and then there's just being weird.

Parents are mid sixties and clearly barking.

Tell me I'm not alone.

Yellow Marigolds!!!

ConkersDontScareSpiders that had me snorting, your dad sounds fab!

My dad chooses a time,such as a Sunday afternoon when my sister and I descend on their house with our families, to watch a recorded documentary or something else which requires concentration. He spends he whole time tutting and turning the volume up. Why wouldn't he just wait until we go home?

Ipswichwitch - dh once offered to put a shower up over the bath at my parents' house, to make life easier for them. Dad refused, point blank, because he believed you had to have planning permission to put in a shower. Nothing we said would convince him otherwise.

Just want to report back from the parents who started this whole thread- specifically the Dad who started it all.

Spoke to him this morning and him and my Mum had had a row. I asked what it was about and honestly, I nearly vomitted laughing. My Dad has a bit of a mania for collecting coats, some new and some from charity shops. He loves in particular full length trench coat type affairs and sheepskin anything. They are all, without exception, terrible coats. He hoardes them all in the cupboard under the stairs and its full to bursting. Anyway, this week my Mum has cracked down and decided he needs to get rid of some and made him go through them to see what he wanted to keep and what he could get rid of. She said that space is limited so he needs to narrow it down to ten coats max (which should tell you the amount of coats we're talking here). Anyway, they fell out over the sorting process and my Dad- stroppilly- took the coats he was getting rid of and drove them to the charity shop, and this is crucial, not in the family car but in the beat up banger he uses as a run around and that he dedicates time to "restoring" in his spare time.

Except he hasn't. He confided to me, cackling with glee, that he drove into town, had a coffee and drove back without dropping the coats off. They're in the boot of his car and that's where they're going to remain. The car is his coat cupboard now.

Utterly bonkers.

Love it.I might do that when it gets warmer.I could keep all my winter stuff in the car boot and free up space for summer gear.Its inspired really.

Placemarking for when I have a moment later to tell you all about my MIL

I am crying with laughter at these. UN-son and the Formica worktop granny in particular had me wheezing!

Pacific - my dad did that too! Not so that you could he get to the freezer, but so that you could get up the stairs to the garage attic. He was SO pleased with himself.

Pacific there is a problem with the pom-pom, which I believe my dad overcame with the use of an empty cotton reel - which makes a noise as it hits the windscreen. Better still, hang a line of cotton reels in a row. And also, if you carpet the garage walls then you would not be able to damage the paint on the car doors.

Ha! FIL has carpeted his garage walls - well, just a horizontal strip that's exactly the right height for the car door to touch, since anything more would be "an extravagance"!! We had pointed out that's should he choose to get a different car he may need to move the carpet stripe higher/lower. He responded with a triumphant "no I won't need to since I'll only buy a car that will fit with the carpet stripe and I'll even measure it before I buy!" MIL has informed us that he does indeed have a tape measure in his glove box in case they go looking at new cars

Yes, I believe my dad used a conker for that very reason 😃

SDTG I'm pretty sure DF thought that something so "new fangled" needed lots of complicated form filling. This is why he wouldn't get the coal fired boiler replaced with a combi. That and the act he didn't want to let the coal man down by not buying from him any more!! He could be very sensible and matter of fact at times, but utterly bonkers at others!!

ipswichwitch my mother and your father both believe the shower tile myth.

I only discovered this last year when DM was abroad and my boiler broke. I sent her a text saying that I was going to use her shower as we had no hot water.

A frantic flurry of replies arrived saying that was fine but giving me detailed instructions on how to use the squeegee and various four clothes to thoroughly dry the tiles afterwards. There were a whole sequence of steps and she also said that if I held the shower head in my hand and crouched it would help prevent the tiles getting too wet.

When we picked her up after her holiday the first thing she asked was 'did you dry my tiles properly' and when we took her home she rushed in to check them.

I am obviously a slattern as I let my tiles get wet and don't spend ages lovingly during them

I bought my Mother a twin cordless phone so that she didn't have to either try to get downstairs or run down the room when the phone rang.

I took her to an optician's appointment and arranged to pick her up about an hour later. When I went back to collect her, the Manager was obviously trying very hard not to laugh.

I found out why when we got back to the car and she complained bitterly that her new 'mobile phone' didn't work properly as she hadn't been able to phone me from the Optician's to tell me she was finished early.

Could be worse cashpoint mine once took out her TV remote instead of her phone in the days of the mobile brick.

I had to explain to my mother that texting "sorry to hear about your loss xx LOL" wasn't appropriate. She was adamant it meant lots of love

LOL at LOL

My favorite though is SecretWitch's mother's t-shirt wearing dog. "It's Better in the Bahamas." Howled at that.

This is a wonderful thread! There did used to be public information films about closing doors at night to contain fires (lifesaving, especially before smoke alarms) , unplugging appliances, etc. My mum was a terror for this. If she didn't want me to be playing my records (vinyl) she'd just pull the plug out, so the stylus would grind into the disc. Cue teenage tantrum from me!
My dh will leave all internal doors open, all lights on, external doors wide open, until he sits down for the evening, then the front door gets locked (rarely the back door, tho!)
I dread to think what my kids would say about me!

Pacific my darling grandad had a pompom hanging in the garage for exactly the same reason! Had forgotten all about it until now.

disrespectful to the tiler

This one might out me. My DM, Dsis and I once went on a weekend away to Paris. DM started packing about 2 weeks before we went, and called me to ask if I thought she should bring the iron with her

I told her that we were staying in a nice hotel, so if she was desperate to iron something she could borrow theirs. "But I've got a travel one...it's no trouble to bring it..." I just nodded along in the end.

Re. the same trip, my paranoid Ddad told us we must be careful with our things, and not to wear backpacks, and keep everything zipped up at ALL TIMES because Paris is full of pickpockets and not safe, and we'd be robbed blind if we dared to relax for a second. The fact that I live in London, my Dsis often visits and my DM works there on a daily basis, and all 3 of us are pretty street savvy, apparently bore no relevance in a foreign country.

Barking.

Hiding the TV remote from burglars is also genius. DH thinks I'm mad at the best of times (because I do things like hide the laptop out of view of the front window when we go out, etc) so might try this one and see how he reacts.

I'll see your silence for Midsomer Murders and raise you my DF, who insists on perfect, reverential silence for the shipping forecast.

He lives in a city, miles from the sea, and doesn't own a boat or sail.

My gran made my grandad wear white gloves around the house 'so he didn't get dirty marks on the furniture'. My grandad retaliated in eccentricty by cutting holes in the toes of new slippers 'to make them more comfortable'.

My mother is convinced that ear piercing is barbaric and that the places that do it must be full of 'little pieces of ear'.

SO funny. I have just watched my dad (77) walking around outside in his socks because he 'didn't want to dirty his shoes'. He also insists on emailing everything in ZIP files (like WTF)

When I go to their house, I have to watch what they want on TV, and when they come to mine I STILL have to watch what THEY want on TV. Usually this thing where people buy containers full of stuff and have no clue what's in it. Anyone else have this?