My parents are mad (lighthearted)

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

Okay so it's 4.30am and I can't sleep because my parents are quite mad.

I am pregnant and suffering from morning sickness as well as having had some bleeding for the last couple of weeks. My husband is away with work this week and when me and toddler DD caught heavy colds it became clear that I couldn't look after us both, so we've come to stay with my (very lovely, it has to be said) parents.

They live a three minute drive from us so we never ever stay. As such I haven't been here overnight- aside from one Christmas when I got pissed some years ago and the night before my Nans funeral- since I left for uni.

In that 15 years my parents seem to have gone a bit potty in a way that I didn't notice without staying over.

Examples-

• the broadband gets switched off at bedtime (ie 10pm). When I queried this, my Dad said its a fire hazard. Do people do this? Our broadband has been on constantly since we moved into our house in 2010. How would it record sky otherwise?!
• bedtime, as mentioned, is 10pm. Like a weird lodging house from 1973 we are all expected to have retired to our room by then.
• I am in the spare room, in the spare bed. I noticed that the bed was a bit short. My feet touch the footboard. When I queried this my Mum said "your Dad sawed the end off to shorten it. He doesn't like a long bed." WHAT?! He's not a tall man- 5ft 9ish- but that's mental. I'm 5ft 8... I don't think anyone much taller could sleep in it. The room is not small and my Dad doesn't routinely sleep in it, so he's ruined a bed for no reason.
• my Mum has a washing turn around time of maybe 2hours from washing basket to ironed. Honestly, it's mental. She asked if I had anything of mine and DDs to wash. Gave her a pile of washing and it was back and clean and pressed on my bed within two hours tops.
• we had to sit in silence for the duration of Midsomer Murders.
• despite being absolutely filthy rich, they don't have sky upstairs, decent toiletries (I'm talking Tesco Value Hair Spray) or contract mobiles (they burn through credit like 13 year old girls in 2001) because "there's no need".
• when my morning sickness struck I wandered into the kitchen and asked my Dad what the had that was "plain, dry and maybe crunchy" ie a cracker or rich tea biscuit. After much hunting the only thing in their kitchen that even touched that description was some celery. They had just had their shopping delivered but tend to "not eat snacks" said my Dad. There's not eating snacks and then there's just being weird.

Parents are mid sixties and clearly barking.

Tell me I'm not alone.

^mobile.

Hilarious threadop your parents sound absolutely lovely! I'm sure they give you plenty of laughs.

Oh these are so precious! I love barking mad parents.
Love the beer fermenting behind the sofa. That's fantastic !

My dad claims to be as deaf as a post. Midsummer murders and Foyles war are watched With the volume so loud even the dogs give up and go to bed in the kitchen. And we must watch in silence. Even tho they both fall asleep for most of the episode. And who can blame them, it's awful rubbish.

Dad drives like a lunatic. Thinks he's Jensen button. Mum shouts at anyone who dare criticise the dogs. They left my (our) wedding early cause they didn't want the dogs left for too long... But they did come back!

And they have a habit of going awol in the car. We get random calls saying they are having a lovely time in, eg, the Cotswolds. They live in the far north of Scotland. Bloody hell, they make my heart race sometimes...

Mad as a sack of squirrels, but I would not have it any other way...

This thread is gold.

My dad, despite being retired and well off (or maybe because) always keeps a record of his petrol consumption and has a special little notebook he keeps in the car to jot down starting milage/fuel put in and finishing milage. Even if there is a massive queue at the pumps he will determinedly sit there and work it out and announce with either pride or annoyance, how many miles to the gallon he got.

He gets most perturbed when he asks me how my car does and I shrug and say "how would I know?".

My mum also does the, telling about people who you have no idea who they are, thing too. Although she goes one better and often starts a conversation mid conversation, iyswim.

So, for example, out of nowhere she'll say "That's just like Debbie's isn't it?"

Me: "who's Debbie and what is just like hers?"

Her: "you know, like the one she brought off holiday? Where did she go? Spain? Or was it Portugal?"

Me: "?! I have no idea what you're talking about. Who's Debbie and what did she bring from Spain?".

Her: "Oh so it was Spain, are you sure?"

Me: "NO! Because I have not one blessed clue what or who you're fucking talking about you freak!"

The last time I went to stay with my grandad he fretted when he heard me lock the bathroom door and was shouting "but what if you slip and hurt yourself?" whilst I was washing my hair. He moved into his care home a year or two later. DM seems to be largely normal which means either she is or I'm equally bonkers!

MIL is obsessed with attending funerals. She recently went off on a rant about having heard x had died but the family not putting a notice in the paper. DH said surely there was someone she could ask. No, she hadn't seen him in 30 years. We gently suggested that perhaps not being that close, her attendance wasn't absolutely necessary. She was horrified and disgusted with us. She has on a number of occasions turned up to funerals and weddings she has heard about by stealth. She was quite put out at DHs disinterest at the wedding photos she took of a distant cousin (from the road as the church ground was full of invited guests). She cannot see that it's creepy turning up uninvited and photographing family occasions.

My mum has been here a lot this week helping with DD while I'm ill. I have observed that she washes everything up and then puts it in the dishwasher cue much muttering from me about the water meter!
She also has a weird obsession with the microwave. If I nuke anything she shouts "can that go in the microwave?" She apparently puts everything into a pyrex bowl to microwave then into the bowl/plate she plans to eat it from!

when my morning sickness struck I wandered into the kitchen and asked my Dad what the had that was "plain, dry and maybe crunchy" ie a cracker or rich tea biscuit. After much hunting the only thing in their kitchen that even touched that description was some celery.'

^Hilarious

My gran also used to refer to people that she'd been friends with for years as 'Mrs so and so' . I guess it was a generational thing when people were more formal in general.

My MIL also tries to have conversations with H about people that he doesn't remember from years ago. He never even tries to pretend that he remembers who she means. So they have this tortuous conversation:
'You know, that boy that you were friends with when you were 5'
'No'
'You must remember, you used to play with him all the time'
'No'
'Oh, well anyway, he (dull anecdote that means nothing to any of us).'
'Oh'

Me: why don't you just put those in the dishwasher, Dad?
Dad: because I'm not some layabout. '

Just brilliant

Haven't read the thread, just the OP's post, but really? You think those behaviours are the definition of barking mad? Sawing off the end of the bed is the only strange behaviour in there. You obviously haven't met anyone particularly eccentric have you OP?
And yes, we switch off our broadband and TV at night. Saves power.

God, my parents are unfortunately quite normal compared to some of these corkers!!

They do, however have a super annoying habit of closing all the (internal) doors before going to bed. Grr. All external doors are locked and triple checked secure before going to bed.

And they close the door when they are in a room, even if they leave the room and I'm still in it, they close the door shut.

Drives me insane.

What is that about? Keeping the heat in?

Toffee I've noticed that generational thing with dishwashers. I tried to give pil my nearly new Bosch dw when we moved, they didn't want it because "fil washes up, I don't have to do it anyway".

No foresight that one day remaining vertical would be difficult and a dw really handy.

I sold it for £150 instead.

The constant tech support required.

After some months of not using the desktop, insists it doesn't work. The screen is just blue. I try and it comes on fine. Still insists it doesn't work. I try again it's fine. Ask her to show me what she is doing. She's turning the screen on but not the tower. She forgot you have to do that too.

The wireless mouse doesn't work. Yes it does, you're holding it upside down.

Spelling my brothers email address incorrectly and then getting upset when someone asks her to please stop emailing him as he is not her son. She just emails drivel about what she has been doing all day, stories about people he didn't go to school with, despite insisting he did and what the dog has been up to.

What is that about? Keeping the heat in?

It's in case of fire, especially at night. Could mean the difference between life and death. Doors hold the fire and the smoke back for a time.

nattykitter I love the idea of a total stranger getting random emails about dross!

My Nan rarely refers to any of the neighbours by their actual name. There's 'The Old Lady' (beating in mind my Nan is in her 80s herself), Mrs New House (moved in before I was born, still considered new) and Dot (real name Margaret). Wow betide you if you call Margaret Dot in front of her. Margaret does not know she is called Dot.

My Aunt and Uncle won't leave the house in the evening unless they have drawn the curtains and left the lights on. If they have been out in the day and are out in the evening, they will go home inbetween to do so. This, apparently, is their foolproof plan against burglars.

Educated my mum does that too!

We close the doors in the house at night. It keeps the heat in the rooms and also could help save our lives if there was ever a fire.
We also shut doors when we leave rooms even though there is someone else in there in the winter to keep the heat in and the draughts out.

My grandad once built a new chicken house - very grand and lovely,lucky chickens. He then called it cluckingham palace and made it a house sign!

My grans partner has sellotape in the kitchen so he can reseal packets but he does this really well so if you want a biscuits you have to hunt for scissors to get into the bloody things. Then he checks that you have resellotaped the packet. He has a freezer book, everything that goes in is noted and dated in this book, my gran may fancy chicken but has to have pork as that went in the freezer first.

My mil has a mobile but its only turned on in emergencies. DH got rushed to hospital i tried to contact her but phone was switched off. When we asked if emergency hospital appointments construed an emergency we got the cats bum face.

My friend who is mid 30s has to turn unplug everything before we leave the house - takes about 10 mins. In her defence its her hubby that insists on it.

I dont think i have any quirks yet but i am mid 30s so plenty of time to develop some yet

My mother has given up texting. This is because she can't sort out who to send the text to so it goes to the first person on her contact lists. Unfortunately this is the office for the sheltered housing development where she lives. They got tired of getting mysterious texts from her, and asked if they could be sent somewhere else.

She also keeps a basin of water in the microwave she never uses. This is because if a) she turned on the microwave and b) the microwave was empty it would c) explode.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one with a mother who tells you stories and gossip about people you don't know.

Sometimes I'll be able to work out who it is and sometimes I won't. She'll tell me the gossip either way though and it normally isn't anything worth telling.

Mother: Sandra is going on holiday next week.
Me: who's Sandra
Mother: you know, she used to live next door to your nan when she was living in that house in the village. She's the one with dog!
Me: no I don't know her, where is she going on holiday?
Mother: I'm not sure.

Quietattheback

This went on for months.

The emails asking her to stop got more and more irate and she just thought he was having one of his strops and being a shitbag, so she carried on regardless. Daily emails about the family and village gossip, housework, what she's had for tea and not to mention the bowel movements of the dog.

It was hilarious when she came out and said something about it and we had to gently let her know, not only has she upset a complete stranger, she had also upset her actual son, by never emailiing him.

The same named, but not related person, forever now known as un-son gave up in the end and wishes her Merry Christmas, as she still isn't consistent about getting it right.

Hahaha ! That's brilliant. I bet un son secretly sits down with a cups and a biccy to read the latest news now.

Well I'm pushing 60 but leave the internet on and everything plugged in when I go to bed, rarely much before midnight. I do have a payg mobile as that's all I need. I don't have Sky anymore as it's silly money but do have Now TV. I've had a dishwasher and microwave since about 1980 and use them all the time.
I thought the bed cutting was pretty mad until I realised I'm just about the cut a chunk off the end of a european mattress topper that's too long for it's uk size bed.

My parents definitely had their moments. My dad would ask you what you would like to drink, knowing I'd like wine or a g&t and DH beer. Never had any of these in the house even though he knew you were coming. He once said I can do a g&t but I've got no ice or lemon and the tonic is what's left from the last time you came about 6 months previously as we were living abroad at the time