My parents are mad (lighthearted)

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

Okay so it's 4.30am and I can't sleep because my parents are quite mad.

I am pregnant and suffering from morning sickness as well as having had some bleeding for the last couple of weeks. My husband is away with work this week and when me and toddler DD caught heavy colds it became clear that I couldn't look after us both, so we've come to stay with my (very lovely, it has to be said) parents.

They live a three minute drive from us so we never ever stay. As such I haven't been here overnight- aside from one Christmas when I got pissed some years ago and the night before my Nans funeral- since I left for uni.

In that 15 years my parents seem to have gone a bit potty in a way that I didn't notice without staying over.

Examples-

• the broadband gets switched off at bedtime (ie 10pm). When I queried this, my Dad said its a fire hazard. Do people do this? Our broadband has been on constantly since we moved into our house in 2010. How would it record sky otherwise?!
• bedtime, as mentioned, is 10pm. Like a weird lodging house from 1973 we are all expected to have retired to our room by then.
• I am in the spare room, in the spare bed. I noticed that the bed was a bit short. My feet touch the footboard. When I queried this my Mum said "your Dad sawed the end off to shorten it. He doesn't like a long bed." WHAT?! He's not a tall man- 5ft 9ish- but that's mental. I'm 5ft 8... I don't think anyone much taller could sleep in it. The room is not small and my Dad doesn't routinely sleep in it, so he's ruined a bed for no reason.
• my Mum has a washing turn around time of maybe 2hours from washing basket to ironed. Honestly, it's mental. She asked if I had anything of mine and DDs to wash. Gave her a pile of washing and it was back and clean and pressed on my bed within two hours tops.
• we had to sit in silence for the duration of Midsomer Murders.
• despite being absolutely filthy rich, they don't have sky upstairs, decent toiletries (I'm talking Tesco Value Hair Spray) or contract mobiles (they burn through credit like 13 year old girls in 2001) because "there's no need".
• when my morning sickness struck I wandered into the kitchen and asked my Dad what the had that was "plain, dry and maybe crunchy" ie a cracker or rich tea biscuit. After much hunting the only thing in their kitchen that even touched that description was some celery. They had just had their shopping delivered but tend to "not eat snacks" said my Dad. There's not eating snacks and then there's just being weird.

Parents are mid sixties and clearly barking.

Tell me I'm not alone.

My dad is bonkers too! I stayed with him for a month when I was in my early 40s, and had sold one house but my new one was not quite ready to move into. He took some persuading to allow me a front door key, but insisted even then that if I went out I had to be back by 10.30pm, because at that time (straight after the news on TV) he always double locked and bolted the door and went to bed. All electrical items (except the fridge) were turned off and unplugged in a carefully planned routine at bedtime. He was most put out that I wanted to shower every morning - twice a week was perfectly sufficient he claimed. My bed had to be made every morning - sheets and blankets, military style, everything perfect - and all my clothes hung up or put away and the bedroom door left open when I went out so he could inspect it. If I was in during the day, coffee was at 10.30am precisely, and tea at 4.30pm precisely; if I suggested making a drink at 10.00 or 4.00 for example, "can't you wait until coffee/tea time"? Or if I suggested one at 11.00, "Why didn't you have a drink at coffee time"?

I don't think he's ever sawn the end off a bed though - so maybe there's hope!

I'm sure things weren't like this when I was a kid - maybe my mum (who died some years ago) used to keep him under control!

The sawn off bed and trial of chee are hilarious!

How on earth do people manage to wash dry and iron their clothes in two hours?

The sawing the bed, cheese trail and pretending to not have coffee are hilarious

I have a sleeping child on me who is in danger of being woken up as I keep laughing so much.

Before my daughter's birthday a couple of years ago my MIL mentioned on the phone that she wanted to speak to my daughter on her birthday and what time should she phone.
My H explained that on that day it was a school night and we wouldn't be in much before about 5.50pm. So MIL says 'OK, I'll phone at 5.50pm'
H says 'Well we'll just be getting in then, why not phone at 6, give us a chance to get in and take our coats off'

MIL's reply 'Oh no, I can't phone at 6, that's when we have our tea!'

They're retired, she can have her tea any time she likes.
She also won't pay more than £10 for a new handbag.

Weirdly, I love most of these habits and think your parents sound delightful. (Apart from the bed bit. That is indeed bonkers).

I moved in with my mum when I had a pregnancy issue and thought the following might amuse you...

• the shower cabinet couldn't be used as it made it dirty. Only sit baths allowed
• there was a microwave but it sat unplugged and with the door open, lest it turn itself on and cause a fire
• every plug and socket in the house was turned off at around 2230. The hub, the cooker, the lamps. Not the fridge, it was triple checked the door was shut
• no snacks either other than savers biscuits as they are "too disgusting" to eat

I could go on and on.

After my trip, my mum commented she was pleased she had been able to offer me a relaxing place to stay for a few days

I love a these, just gorgeous! My mum is adamant about taking the aerial out of the tv in a thunderstorm, tbf though she knew someone whose house set alight after the aerial got hit by lightning and I saw our neighbours aerial get hit and blow all their electrics so I now do the same (only if there's a storm though). My granny was a bit bonkers though, would write what she'd eaten in pencil on her Formica countertop if she'd eaten anything out of date (which was often), so that if she died we'd know what did it.

My parents think that anything Swedish inspired is superior.

If they ever actually slept in their spare room they'd quickly tire of a non standard mattress that doesn't fit the frame, covered by a duvet that's too long and wide for its cover, enhanced by a square pillow inside a standard case.

'but it's from Ikeaaaaaaa'

To be fair, my microwave did once turn itself on and cause a fire so I can understand the paranoia and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the massive water leak which occurred all over the back of it first

My DM had a meter fitted and became obsessed with saving water. To the extent that you'd go over there and EVERY spare receptacle in the kitchen had been utilised to collect the water which was being wasted when she waited for the hot tap to run. When I asked her what she was going to use it for, she'd usually say something about watering the garden. In Autumn. When it was pissing down.

Ha ha ha!All my gels are on here again!

We have to concentrate hard during Midsomer,we are saving electricity,so switch off plugs and 2 hours turnaround for laundry is just about correct!

Derek, damn straight are there thieves living in the internet,so just order the things on your card,cheeky one!

LOL!!just you all wait Mr.Higgins!!

Lovely thread. I dread to think what my DD would write about me.
Well I have a good idea and it would make me feel ridiculous.

Killing myself laughing at the trail of cheese for the mouse

My parents do the unplugging everything routine too, but not just at night, every time they go out. So just popping to the paper shop (2 mins down the road) involves the whole unplugging shebang. Apart from the DVD player, which must never be unplugged because they don't know how to reset the clock

There's also the newly (3 years ago) paved driveway which no-one is allowed to park on in case they spoil it.

Oh and all doors must be kept locked at all times (even when at home) lest a burglar walk in and steal everything. When I'm packing the car up after staying with them I lug a suitcase out to the car, go back to the house to get a second one and discover that I've been locked out.

My parents keep the wifi router unplugged at all times and only switch it on if someone wants to use it. So if you want to go online while you're there (and you will want to, there's nothing else to do. See weird habit #2 below) you have ask them to switch it on. There then follows a consultation process where they shout at each other between different rooms about who wants to use it, and why, and does it have to be now? Eventually with much huffing and puffing the router will be switched on, and there will then be anxious enquiries every ten minutes or so about whether it can be switched off again yet.

There is nothing else to do in their house because my mother believes that having a TV large enough to watch is vulgar. So they have a little 18 inch thing crammed in the corner of their 20 foot living room. The remote control is kept strictly next to it at all times so it doesn't get lost- they get and and move to it to use it. They do not have Sky, cable or anything similar- just a little ancient freeview box that is kept in a drawer. If my stepdad wants to watch telly, he fetches his special TV chair from the other side of the room. This is a wooden dining room chair. He places it two feet in front of the tiny telly and sits hunched up watching it- even if that means he blocks the view of everyone else in the room.

Great thread and not confessing to the quirks I share with some parents but periodically my DM coined a new word for biscuits she'd use when making tea or coffee for us, "So the dog won't hear and start begging for treats"- never mind he could hear the biscuit tin lid eased off two rooms' away,

My ddad does the locked doors thing. Luckily I'm allowed a key as we usually stay with him for at least a week at a time.
My stepdad now works away from home 3 days a week. All their tea, coffee and sugar now come in individual use packets. Highly suspicious.
My great grandma also turned everything off. My dad lived with her towards the end of her life and had to put tape over the plugs for his computer after she nearly broke it by turning it off at the wrong time. She also wouldn't let me take a shower if there was nobody else in the house. She would refuse to go out if she knew I needed one.

I'm laughing my leg off at the grandmother writing on the table if she ate out of date food! And the forced coffee machine use!

These are all hilarious

My relatives are all bonkers too. My dad was adamant that smart phones could not be connected to their wifi 'because they'll break it'. I always connect to it anyway and he's none the wiser.

They got a fancy new coffee machine, didn't know how to work it and frothed the espresso instead.

They make homemade beer. I was in the living room and heard a weird noise like a tap dripping. 'Oh, that'll be the beer,' says my dad, 'it's fermenting behind the sofa.' I asked him why it was there and he said, 'Why not?' Can't argue with that.

The Granny writing on the countertop genuinely just made me LOL. And the parents with the permanently switched off router. It's only a matter of time before my parents have it off most of the time and just put it on for an hour in the evenings so my Mum can go on Facebook and stalk her cousins.... "you'll never guess what I saw on Rita's Facebook..."

Oh and the pretending not to have any teabags!!! Amazing!!!

My Dad has just added another gem (it's like he knows I'm writing about him). He's washing up lunch played by hand despite very new dishwasher a foot away.

Me: why don't you just put those in the dishwasher, Dad?
Dad: because I'm not some layabout.

Can't argue with that!!

My mum has two friends, both called Ann. I'm supposed to psychically know which Ann she is relaying the mind numbingly dull anecdote talking about, even when it's not actually important. So I hear about her trip to buy ready meals from a particular shop, including details of type and portion size. If I inadvertently say something that suggests it's Anne A my mum looks at me askance 'no, not Ann A, Ann B!' As though I've gone completely crazy.

You don't need broadband on to record Sky, but switching the router off at night is never recommended.

Oh god, it's not the turning off, it's the unplugging. Everything MUST be unplugged.

And the food dates. That yoghurt does not turn into a biohazard at midnight. It will be fine tomorrow.

And the constant stories that start with so-and-so who was in your class at schoool. No they weren't. Cue argument about whether they were or not. I was with the same group of people for 7 freaking years. I should know. Later transpires they are 10 years older than me.

Asking one of the neighbours if Colin starts 'big' school this time. Colin has been in the army for 5 years at this point.

My parents used to have to lock their outside door at a designated time. 9pm, if I remember correctly.

You'd be asked when you'd be back home because they'd need to lock the door. My dad had to do it. No one else was allowed.

I actually left home at 17, partly because of the door. I started a job which finished at 8pm and the pressure of getting home for the 9pm door lockage caused too much stress.

They've moved since. I have no idea what the new arrangements are.

Tangerine But having a payg mo lie isn't anything to do with having money is it? Mine is an up to date iPhone. I could afford a contract phone. I just prefer payg. Same with sky. Just don't fancy it. Although if your DF would like it and has said its the money then I see that's the make n mend do thing. Don't get the payg thing though.