The utterly ridiculous / hysterical comments your friends come out with, in which you seriously question if they live on the same planet as you...[lighttheart]

[daughterofafarmer]

My friend said this utter gem last week...

'I'm buying DS a 2nd pair of Wellingtons as I don't have an Aga to help dry out the wet pair....'

Another friend

'I don't think one should children until you can afford childcare'....Que me nearly spitting out my drink...

I took some clients to Westminster Abbey. They stopped to look at a depiction of the last supper. One turned to me and said, "wow, so the artist really was THERE at the last supper?" Errrr, no. It took me a while to make sure this was what she'd actually said before I replied, assuring her it had been painted a good few centuries later.

I've just remembered a corker from an ex-colleague - lovely lady, but always a bit - erm - dipsy.

She and her DP drove past a cinema on a daily basis (I'm going back years now, so think about old-fashioned cinemas). Apparently the conversation went like this one day :

Her : Blimey, that must be a popular film
Him : What do you mean?
Her : Well, it's been publicised for months and months.
Him :

I eats me peas with honey
^I've done it all me life"
It makes me peas taste funny
But it keeps em on me knife

italics fail but you get the idea!

At notre dame. Group of tourists. One says 'so when did quasimodo live here?'. Same group at the louvre (mona lisa) 'was that a guy or a chick?'

If you're right handed, you keep the knife in your right hand and your fork in the left. Eating peas is a strange affair where you put them on the fork with your knife, and the tines of the fork are facing downwards (so the opposite to what makes sense).

I am as common as muck but if I turned my fork over to scoop my peas like a spoon my gran would go nuts.

As a child I mean. So it's indoctrinated.

Or, you could just shovel peas onto the fork held in your strong hand and make life easy for yourself. Seriously, I do not get this knife-swapping thing at all. The fork does the majority of the work in any meal, after all - by what right has the knife earned star place in the strong hand? DOWN WITH KNIVES.

Oh I do now exasperated. But I do have to force myself. And I say to my daughter 'stop eating like a navvy' when she shovels it in.

It's all a load of bullshit ismt it. The American way of eating makes more sense than my Downton Abbey habits.

I'm forever swapping hands when I eat, if it's a meal I need a knife for that is. There's not many meals I cook where you need a knife and fork :o

Regarding the reading words in books you never hear anyone say and mispronouncing them in your head:

When I used to read Enid Blyton books and someone called someone else a "fathead" I always thought it was a fath-ed. I could never work out why that was supposed to be insulting.

Ladybigtoes, that made me laugh out loud

My tack room friends will get this. I received an email reply to my advert for a 'Registered Welsh Section A'. ....so is he 14:2 HH...?

I didn't bother replying.....!!

Regarding the fork and knife thing. My Sil insists that she eats left-handed. All she means is that she holds the knife in her left hand and the fork in the right. This is nothing to do with left-handed-ness!!!

I'm left-handed, my mum is left-handed, DH is left-handed, we all use our left hand for the fork and right hand for the knife. I am yet to meet a left-handed person who does otherwise.

I just stab the peas.

.

Myself to DM whilst following a cake as a young teen:
'It says to add the butter and caster sugar and cream together but it doesn't say anywhere how much cream to add.'

Following a cake recipe

Although if I were to follow anything cake would be a good bet.

Regarding reading books and getting things into your head... I was reading Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy, and there's a line in it that goes something along the lines of, "He pulled off to the side of the road and two lorries hooted at him." or something. I read it to mean that lorries = asshole, so years later, when arguing with dp, I go, "Stop being such a lorry!"

Cue silence and confused looks. I thought it was a very offensive word, so started apologising... He let me feel bad for a good hour or so...

I had a friend who thought Australia was next to Scotland, and wondered if we could get there by minibus.

Same friend also asked what the cows were doing when one was on the other one's back! Her surprised comment: "Oh, don't they do it lying down like we do?" Now there's an interesting thought ...

When the news that Argentina had invaded the Falkland Island I was sitting with a bunch of professional folk with degrees who were horrified by an unprovoked attack on a bunch of Islands just off the coast of Scotland.

I love the idea of you following a cake Retro.

I cut my food up and just use my fork in my right hand, more than once someone has sniffily said," you're not American you know." Took me years to figure out what it meant.

Last week we passed a field of cows, one was having a wee and DD(12) was surprised to see it peeing standing up. She thought they cocked their legs like a dog .

"Are turkeys bigger than chickens?'
Genuine question from a 24yr old!!

My BFF and I use this as a catch-phrase now to signal someone saying/doing something dumb!

Lunchtime conversation during a temp job many years ago (packing preg test kits, if you must know).

Me and a man and a woman at a table in the restroom.

Bloke takes out a thermos and pours himself a coffee.

Me: ^^ If vacuum flasks prevent the transmission of heat, how come we can feel the heat of the sun, even though space is a vacuum?

Woman ^^: Space isn't a vacuum.

Me: Of course it is. Why do you think astronauts wear spacesuits?

Woman: To help them float.

I was nearly 30 before I realised Andover was not in the Netherlands.

I was on the a303 and looked all surprised at the sign.

In my defence, it sounds Dutch.