Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

[Plomino]

You can do this ! You will do this . You have got the very hardest step out of the way by making the decision TO do something about this.

Let me tell you something . I work in a profession that takes me into houses from the very top multimillion end of the scale , to teeny tiny cupboards. I have been into enormous places , where I have literally wiped my feet on the way out. They are more common than you would believe .

Start small . Don't try and do all of it at once . You are one woman (albeit a stronger one than you think! ) Pick one room , grab the bin bags , and start . You will be surprised how liberating it will be . Before you know it , you'll have one room cleared . Take a picture . Stick it somewhere you can see it daily, and use it as your inspiration . Soon you'll have to be restrained from clearing up like a whirling dervish , I promise you .

Would social services consider helping you ? They might be able to fund getting a cleaning team in , or use the council in house one . Don't ask , don't get , after all .

Good luck . We have faith in you !

[toomuch2young]

Brilliant, you can do it.
Keep thinking of the lovely shepherds pie you are going to make in your clean kitchen with shiny new things. and

[IceTheChristmasKateMumsnet]

Hi everyone, thanks to all those who brought this thread to our attention.

It's been said before, but you lots really are a lovely, generous nest of vipers.

As is our policy in these cases, we do advise all our members to be aware that not everyone on t'internet is who they say they are.

Although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We'd also like to add that whenever meeting someone IRL that you have met online, whether it was on Mumsnet or UniformDating.com, you should always take extra precautions, and be especially careful.

Merry Christmas!

[snowtunesgirl]

You can do it OP and you vipers have reminded me that I need to do something similar with my front room which is currently the Room of Doom. Everything has been chucked in there as we've had virus and sicknesses over and over again recently and it's all got on top of me and DH.

OP, if YOU can do it, so can I.

[IvantaOuiOui]

I have been helping a friend with depression sort her house out, which sounds very like your situation. Would recommend getting the thick sacks you can use for garden rubble as they are super strong for flinging stuff in. If you have any boxes set one aside for paperwork to go in as you clear up. You will uncover layers and layers of things you have forgotten about!

[MovingGal]

I can do anything for 15 minutes.

(Shamelessly stolen from Flylady)

This one small saying can change your whole outlook. Just try it.

Set a timer or look at your clock and commence filling a rubbish bag. (Or whatever seems the most pressing thing to do).
Work quickly, don't be too fussy and then stop after 15 mins.

Give yourself permission to stop after 15 mins. You do not have to get it all done in one go. You may want to do a bit more, but you don't have to.

Have a drink of water/tea for 10 mins then repeat. You will be amazed what you can achieve in bursts of 15 mins or 10 or 5 if thats what you can manage. Something is better than nothing.

[ChinUpChestOut]

Depression sucks everything out of you, and it's sometimes so difficult to do anything at all. Well done for putting your hand up! Keep your head up, breathe ("chin up and chest out") and aim for the bin bags. It will be deeply satisfying and you'll get lots of praise on here!

christmassy that's a great idea about before and after photos.

[shabooby]

Lauris, you just bought a tear to my eye

[snowtunesgirl]

I do what MovingGal suggests and the time really does fly and I'm always amazed at how much I get done.

[AnyaKnowIt]

I wish I was closer, I'd be round there with my rubber gloves and steam cleaner.

I do agree, just chuck everything out and buy nice new things.

Bag by bag you will feel the weight on your shoulders lift I promise.

[MmeGuillotine]

Oh Op, I'm so glad you posted here today. Good luck with getting everything sorted - BIN THE LOT and keep on thinking about that shepherd's pie as you'll get there in the end. :)

Much love to you!

[PickledInAPearTree]

Yes you can do it. Good luck xx

[kohl]

Go go DoneWith! You are being amazingly brave, and I think you can totally do this, especially for home made shepherd's pie! Have had colossal depression in the past and know how much effort this must take, and how daunting it must seem. I am cheering you on from the frozen north.

[MovingGal]

I second the idea of making a list. I am a crazy list maker but I find it helps me to see what I have done at the end of the day. We all have those days when we go flat out all day and can't see much for our efforts.

My list for today looked like this:

Wash, Iron, Fold, Cook Tea

Change A's bed, Take L to work.

Clear kitchen bench.

As you can see, it didn't all get done. I got caught up with shopping etc etc but I will carry over any essentials to tomorrows list. The top row is always the same anyway. Sometimes I add the extra things I do just so I can cross them off! (yes, sad I know!)

[DoneWithItAllNow]

Oh God now I'm scared. My thread got reported to MNHQ!

I promise I didn't start it to look for people who would help me. I just needed to vent. DH is popping home in his lunch break and bringing me binbags. I will have filled one by 2pm! At least one...

Plomino I also work in a profession where I have colleagues who go into houses. They often come back disgusted at what they have seen and comment that they "don't know how anyone can live like that.". More than once I have sat quietly in my corner and thought "if only you knew..."

I have also just looked at the link that Chrismissy posted way up the thread. It's good to know that they can help me out if the local elephants ever become troublesome

[Tinkerisdead]

I couldnt read this without posting. Depression leaves you feeling like even a shower is too much effort so I can understand how this escalated. You sound very very positive about clearing it but if you are still feeling depressed it may feel insurmountable when you start.

Everyone on this thread is right behind you. Dont try to tackle the whole lot. Take it steady and it will be easier to achieve. Clear your sink. Chuck it all away if you need to just clear it because once you regain access to your sink you can clean anything you need to, make tea/coffee etc. even just cleaning your kitchen sounds like it will give you the degree if functionality that you want. To cook meals, make teas and sod it you could even wash in there if the bathroom etc isnt usable yet.

Please please take the offers of help. It may feel like the ground will swallow you up to let someone in but they are coming in to tackle it with you. No-one is judging. Good luck. You have made such a massive step by recognising the problem in itself.

[Adviceinscotland]

This has to be the first mumsnet thread every where everyone is saying "NO, don't leave the b*d"

Op, could you maybe post the first half of your postcode so any local mumsnetters could help out if they wanted. I agree it's lovely what laurie is doing but even another pair off hands will make a huge difference

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

It seems horrendous now honestly but you'll feel so much better dealing with it. Speak to social services, if they can't help, go to a pound shop rubber gloves, black bags and disinfectant. Chuck the lot and start again.
You'll feel 100 times better dealing with it xx

[MovingGal]

I have to go to bed now (am in Aus) but please keep posting DoneWith.
We are all behind you.

[SeeYouSoon]

You can definitely do this. Don?t look at it as a whole, that?s too scary, look at it one tiny bit at a time. Not even one room at a time, do one surface at a time. If you can?t get a skip, do you have a car? Black bin bags in the boot to the tip, it may take a lot of trips, but again, just look at it one trip at a time. I?ve had depression, I know how easy it is to get into this sort of state, and how hard it is to get out of it, but you have done the absolute hardest part now by seeing it and acknowledging it. It?s all upwards from here!

[FivesGoldNorks]

I'm sure people reported just to be thorough. Its a wonderful thing that Laurie is doing but always worth remembering to be careful when you meet anyone off the internet :o
Hope you're singing while you're slinging op!

[takataka]

some motivation!

[TantrumsandBananas]

I second the "15 minute rule". Thats how I do alot of things!

Get a wiggle on for 15 minutes, then take a break for 15 minutes. Theres something about it that works.

Earlier this year I had a particularly bad bout of depression, which resulted in my not even being able to go out. Once I started getting better the 15 minute thing really helped me get control over my home back.

You are ace for asking for help!!! Well done you xxx

[scripsi]

I haven't managed to read the whole thread (at work) but if you are South East I will come to help you.
Perhaps the fact that your mental health has improved (and just WOW! that you have come this far!) is why you have really noticed what you are living with - so perhaps you can see your feelings today as a big positive and really mean that you are another step forwards!
I often set a timer for 15 minute for those insurmountable tasks (suggested by other MNers to me) and suddenly I find I am 2 hours in!
I second the idea that bin bags are the first step - I would say bin bags for the things you're going to get rid of (chuck all your cutlery and crockery and the nasty microwave), one spot in the room where the things you're going to keep can go and then you can clean around.

[YourHandInMyHand]

I agree with all the other posters just bin everything you can bear to bin. If you have argos vouchers you could use you can replace you kitchen stuff very cheaply. When you buy new only buy a set with 4 place settings in (4 large plates, 4 small plates, 4 bowls). Cheap pack of 4 glasses, ditto mugs if not in dinner set.

You can do this OP. Keep filling bin bags and putting them out. Do you have anyone who could do a run to the tip with their car? Maybe a friend or neighbour could help out? If not just fill your bin then if you can, other's bins too on collection day.

If I lived nearby I'd help out, I love a good clear out.