What's the most pretentious thing you've ever heard someone say? (lighthearted)

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

I went round someone's house and they were a shoe less house (no problem) but she airily pointed to a basket of slippers (felted, pointy, bright red, embroidered Tibetanny type like they have in the Toast catalogue) and said 'help yourself to the artisanal slippers'. There were dozens of pairs.

FUCK OFF - why would I want to sit around and look like an elf at your house?

these, but even pointier

Overheard two vair posh women meeting outside a pub in Burnham Market (well, it would be, wouldn't it?).

Woman 1 - Darling, how wonderful to see you! Are you staying here?
Woman 2 - Oh, no darling, Charles has bought the manor house.

Me & my mates drinking lager tops fell about. They ignored us

This pub is very good value for posh pretentious types though. My IL's overheard a lovely comment about someone's DH/P not being there for lunch - "Oh, Jonty's on the yacht"

oh oh (I am on a roll now) there was the guy who when he was told (at a party) that i was about to move out of my rented bedsit in Fulham commented 'Oh yes, Fulham. [pause] I own an entire street in Fulham'.

Which considering he was living in a rented flat in the arse end of the country was stretching my belief a little bit too far.

I've had to namechange because this one is famous among my friends and could out me.

From an utterly up-himself Canadian postgrad I knew at college: "The most intolerable thing about the literary salons of Vancouver is that nobody in them has read Proust - I mean, even in translation."

(I don't know if this was orginal or not, but it pithily summed up a friend's social attiudes.)

When the lottery was first introduced where I lived, some friends and I were joking about how nice it would be to win.

"Ughhhh," said another, dimissively. "The only thing worse than New Money is Instant Money."

At work I'm surrounded by well paid engineers who are mainly 50+ men.

At the start of the bad weather this autumn two of them were discussing which car to use for the daily commute

"this changeable weather is a nightmare Bob, I've not only had to rearrange the garage so I can fit my soft top in but I've also had to MOT and service the Range Rover to handle the bad weather"

My fiesta seems to be coping well in the rain...

Oh yes, and I've never quite recovered from one incident when I was at school. One girl turns round to another in the desk behind her: "Do you want to go to the Cannes Film Festival this weekend?"

Reader, my school was a very long way from Cannes. She meant in Daddy's private jet.

A Nanny at the toddler group run by my friend in Battersea (hugely upmarket area of London to the uninitiated where a 3 bed terraced house is £700,000+) asked if the raisins included at snack-time were organic. Because charge only ate 100% organic food.

Age 5/6 en route to the park I apparently announced that I was " really really excited to be going to the park to play on the playing apparatus". The playing apparatus also known as the climbing frames. I can only think I had picked it up from my teacher at the time, she was quite posh and used to call the pe equipment that. I think

smeggs was that outside the hoste I love it there and have heard a few one liners along those lines there

Oh yes ohhelp I do agree with you. I like to surround myself with lovely things, I just don't feel the need to tell all and sundry all about them!

DS2 (10) comes out with some humdingers, not sure if we can blame the Asperger's or not. He regularly uses words like 'whilst' and 'hence' in everyday conversation. He also has a habit of speaking in bullet points. So if you ask him what he'd like to do at the weekend, he'll say 'Well (a) I'd like to use the computer, (b) I'd like to go to the library and (c) I'm hoping to play on the Wii.' Not pretentious as such, but it does sound peculiar.

Playing Articulate with some friends we met travelling

Girl describes word on card: o Tom you've got 2 of these
Boy answers: lamas?
Girl:no, castles

Wtf!

Maybe she meant toy castles Chelley...like the Lego ones?

If not...wtf?!

At a dinner party I was telling the guy sitting next to me that I was a secretary. He said 'that's nice, where did you study Oxford or Cambridge?'. When I went on to say I worked in publishing, he said 'oh how interesting, I only really had options of going into the Forces, becoming a Doctor or an Accountant :-o

3bg1 - I have always said things like that

Parent collecting reception child from playground:

PP (pretentious parent): What did you learn in school today, darling?
CC (confused child): Er.. I counted up to twenty.
PP: Oh well done! Did you do it in English or in French?

Same parent also loudly proclaimed the child's scores on their report. And I mean REALLY loudly mine scored more

My old boss
"pepperrabbit, hold the fort, I need to pop out and buy some new grape scissors"

Artisanal slippers! That made me laugh, and dh:) actually all of the posts made me laugh

At a pub in the country dominated at weekends by public school boys- ' I live in your average bog standard 5 bed house ( or hice as he pronounced it)

And painting and drawing for toddlers - one mum described how she had spent the afternoon finetuning her dd fine motor skills using appropriate utensils.

When staying in Uni halls of residence accommodation during the summer holidays with 2 dc (because it was all we could afford) we walked into the canteen and ds (5) declared 'show me the croissants mummy' whilst dd (20m) shouted blueberries mummy mango mummy.

I let dh deal with them.

Mrs de vere, I had a similar choice line said!

One of my old friends from school came down to us for a weekend and we were doing Saturday evening wine fuelled scrabble when she came out with 'oh damn ! I was thinking in the wrong language '

I have trouble thinking in any language !

alisv no they were real castles. One his grandmother built for him based on a picture he drew as a child.....

I mix in vair fancy circles you know

DH and I were on our vair glam honeymoon in Cornwall. We were having a sit on a bench overlooking a blustery beach when we saw a group of boys in school uniform. As they passed us their teacher called out "stop at the next seat boys and we'll have some biccies and fizz" in the most divine posh accent.

We often have biccies and fizz in our house even now 15 years later!!