tell me about your oddest colleague?

[StealthPolarBear]

Past or present.
We used to have one who would pick his ears and then make the coffee, it used to have bits floating in the top.

It should be in classics?

I've had the mild ones, like the loud sneezer and the sneezer who would spray snot all over the computer screen (even my boss didnt tell me off for taking 1/2 hour to clean the keyboard and desk when I had to move to his desk).

Exp on the other had had a blinder for a boss, we actually nicknamed him Bullshit Bob. The stories he would come out with were so unreal it was almost funny. Everything ranging from Body Guard to Kiera Knightly to working with the SAS on secrect government operations. The best bit was though was this....

One day they had to have a morning meeting. They all went into the container which they used as an office on site and Bob had to run to his car for some paperwork and go to the loo.

Bob made the very stupid mistake of leaving is laptop, not only in the office but turned on. One bloke had a nosey around it (as you do) and came across and open file. He clicked on it then shouted at the top of his voice "The dirty bastard". Well, as you can imagine, a room full of tradesmen and a reaction like that you know its got to be good. Ex was expecting porn as most people were...and indeed it WAS porn, but with chickens and other farm animals and not a woman in sight. Just blokes with animals.
Bob was spotted coming back to the office so they'd out everything back as it was before he left and all tried to keep a straight face for the duration of the meeting. That was until someone started clucking at the end of every sentance Bob said. Someone then joined in with a baaaaa, then a mooooo until they couldnt do anymore but sit there and nearly wet themselves laughing as you could apparently acutally SEE the penny dropping in Bobs face.

Now I am normally a nice person, but even I couldnt resist getting in on this one. So I gave ex a box of eggs and printed off a fake CSA order with letterhead, stating that Chicken Licken was entitled to be paid so much of his wages in child support and that he owed £40 in back payments. Apparently I then decleared a Godess by the rest of team for that prank and I still hear about the time when Bob threw all 6 eggs behind him without looking...straight into the site managers convertable.

This is from my job years ago - open plan office so you could see other people's weirdness quirks. One bloke who would go for his extended lunch break and then sleep bolt upright at his desk for the next couple of hours.

The guy who played with his balls when speaking to anyone....most distracting as even though you tried not to look your eyes were drawn to it.

The man with egg on his beard....every day. Could possibly have been the same egg.

(was a scientific establishment, so much scope for odd behaviour)

Just remembered one- I benefitted from this one though.

Director of a company I temped at who was compiling a list of swear words with definitions, woudl bring me piles of apper with pretty much 567 permutaions of the word fuck adn expect me to photovopy.

After a while it got annoying so I mentioend it to the lady in the next office who amongst other things (small business really) was HR bod; within 12 hours I had been sent on early maternity leave on full pay (I was about 15 weeks) whilst they quietly disposed of him- a sort of coup from what DH who worked there told me.

He was quite elderly and just listed it as his hobby but it seemed so.... odd.

Oh and do lecturers count? As in an enforced debate at uni about the morality of having sex with a froxen (specifically frozen) chicken? (Thanks fagashlil for reminding me of that one!)

mckenzie the 2 in my office are doing loud sneezes for attention seeking, it is very obvious! A friend of mine is pals with one of them and I think one time her she must have sneezed and we were talking about it. My friend said 'oh that's just how she sneezes....' but I then pointed out that you 'teach' yourself to sneeze differently. My OH one time made a funny noise after a big sneeze, and kept doing it......he doesn't do it any more.

My friend has a dog that doesn't like her sneezing, goes a bit daft and starts barking, so now when she sneezes she puts a cough at the end of it. So now even when she isn't with the dog, she does her sneeze/cough thing that she has taught herself

Oh I have remembered some more...

The seat sniffer. Came back from lunch and caught him on his knees sniffing my chair. He said to me "I think you're ovulating."

I used to work for someone who was very disorganised and used to sit on papers which needed a quick turnaround. One of my colleagues said one day, "I've had enough, I'm going to sort him out once and for all." Said colleague was slightly unhinged, so we thought this would be interesting and followed him down the corridor. He burst into boss's office shouting "If you don't sign off that pile of papers I'm going to fuck you up the arse, good and hard, right here over your posh desk." The office was full of some Arab businessmen who had come for a meeting. But we got all the papers back signed, within half an hour of them leaving.

DH used to work somewhere which had squash courts and a gym in the basement, with the men's and women's showers and changing rooms next door to each other. A memo went round to all staff, saying it had been discovered that "someone" had drilled a hole in the wall between the two, and had been caught watching women in the shower. But not to worry, the hole had now been blocked up.

DH had a phantom crapper in his last office too! There is someone in mine who seems to manage to smear the back of the seat with poo. I don't think it's deliberate, I just think she is a bit lax in the wiping department.

Can this be moved back to Chat please, it's going to die a sad and lonely death in here. And it really doesn't deserve that. It should go in Classics when it's full.

Please and thank you. :)

Yes, I nominated this for Classics and am not sure what it's done to deserve being moved to Other Subjects.

When I started at my last job I was managing a small team with a very 'difficult' woman who loads of people had had problems with. A couple of years later she was sent on extended sick leave (long story) but her final act of defiance still cracks me up.

The morning after she left we noticed that there was an internal list of everyone's phone extensions pinned up on her desk (with our names on it). When we looked closer she had placed pins in the names of the people who had pissed her off. I had the most . Sometimes I get a twinge in my shoulder and I wonder if its her voodoo magic .

And she had placed an enormous pot plant on my friend's desk. I loved the simplicity of that. "Fuck you, have a pot plant."

I thought I didn't have any but then remembered the man I used to occasionally work with who also worked for one of the freeview adult channels who used to take great excitement at showing me pictures on his phone of his nipple clamp

I also recall an old headteacher at a school I worked for doing an assembly to the whole school about how we should raise money for a charity which helps children in third world countries with a cleft palate as they 'want to look normal too' . This was only a handful of years ago btw

In my first management job, I was doing the appraisal of a long-standing employee who was not only unpleasant and difficult to work with, but increasingly sly and spiteful, dragging down a great team. She refused to acknowledge a problem and when I pointed out that every other team member believed there was one, shouted at me that history was littered with examples of great leaders who had seemed out of step with the crowd. She was a sales assistant. I decided asking which megalomaniac she self-identified with wouldn't be helpful.

She left shortly afterwards, but my relief was short-lived as I inherited several 'problem' people from other departments to deal with before I left the company some years later.

Have also come across several Phantom Crappers - thankfully not directly. DH was sceptical that it was so common a problem when they had one at his office recently. I am far too cowardly to Google, but am also interested in the Psychology of it.

Fathom shitters at my place of work too. V strange there are so many. my mate said that's nothing he worked in IT with all men. They took photos of their stools and pinned them up on a wall of fame.

I am and at this thread, it's wonderful. 'I think you're ovulating' .

Have clearly worked in far too many normal places, as I can't think of a single thing to contribute. But thank you, this has made my day.

I used to work back of house in a big London hotel with a lovely old chap who would go to the tube every lunch break, get on the circle line and go to sleep. He would wake up in time to get off again at the same station he got on and come back to work.

Makes me smile.

When I was 17 I did some temping for a local NHS podiatry clinic. My 'Manager' (not a manager - just the person I had to report to) would stroll in at 9.30, turn her computer on & go out to her car for a fag for 20 minutes, then she'd come back in, make a cup of coffee for another 10 minutes (instant so I have no idea how this is possible). She would then start work at 10.00 before repeating the whole fag + coffee break process at 10.30 & every hour afterwards, I was gobsmacked as to how the hell she still worked there. She was a cat lady & reeked of stale fags & coffee all the time.

In the building I work now (before Mat Leave) there is a particularly snotty receptionist, she had to press a button to allow us into the building where the kitchen was. EVERY SINGLE TIME she let out a massive huff or sigh & matching dirty look. My Manager & I took to giving her the most cheesy smiles & over-enthuasiastic thanks we could "Oh, thanks sooooooooo much!" This pissed her off no end.

I also worked with a woman who I swear was just plain nuts, she would pick a person from our team who she would be absolutely horrible to, she would speak to them like crap & loudly slate them to the rest of the team. When me & another girl started at the same time, I was her target for about 3 months, the other girl was her new BFF. After this, she completely switched, I could do no wrong & the other girl was useless, rude, basically every name under the sun.

One previous workplace in particular was absolutely stuffed full of nutters, mainly the bosses!

The owner and MD only ever came into work until after 7pm and worked until past midnight - was never seen before sunset (I think he slept in a coffin full of earth from his native Transylvania during the day!). This meant all board meetings began late and went on until nearly midnight. Which I was obliged to attend. At the end of the meeting one of the other directors would offer the others a lift home and leave me to run to the station to catch the last train home alone. In an area full of street corner dealers etc. I'd just like to say thanks a bunch for that Mr Director!

Same MD was a pathological hoarder who had filled his office with so many piles of newspapers and years old photos and other crap that he couldn't actually get in the room. So he permanently locked the door and had to borrow a spare desk in the main office. Apparently his home was even worse with stacks of newspapers up the stairs and all the rooms stacked floor to ceiling with old paper.

One of the other directors was a notorious (and very ugly) lech. He developed an embarrassing crush on his very pretty young assistant who he bombarded with love letters declaring his undying passion and promising he would leave his wife for her. The poor girl was absolutely mortified and did everything she could to keep out of his way. Matters came to a head when he told his wife he was having an affair with this girl (complete fantasy). His wife then stormed into the office and threatened to beat the poor girl up! She resigned soon after, poor girl just couldn't stand any more

Stinky Pinky. This was a very blokey, sexist chap whose wife had just left him for another man, crushing his (self) image as a super stud. He proceeded to chat up and ask out every young blonde female who came into our shop, usually getting good results as he was very overconfident and flirty. But he wore the same suit for months on end, amassing an interesting collection of stains, and smelling like a week old bin. The suit was pale pink (this was the early 90s) and reeked. We were so happy when it went to the cleaners. He eventually got a new blonde girlfriend, who was a bit mad and used to buy all the ladies in the office presents, so we would tell him how lovely she was. Unfortunately her reputation as the girl who would poo on a glass table for local pervs preceeded her. At the Christmas do Stinky Pinky got really drunk and told me how much he respected me for not falling in love with him, like most women. Interesting times.

Mad lady I worked with used so save the half empty bottles of old milk left over from the tea making area on the shelf for weeks until they were separated out into cheese and whey. ( barf even thinking about it) Once they were truly rancid she would flop them out into a bowl and eat it. God the stink in the kitchen where we all ate our lunch. ( retch!!...) it was like she was eating sick. I WAS nearly sick a couple of times. I used to try like mad to eat lunch before her as I could not bear the smell in the kitchen once she had been in there with her bowl of milk/sick.

I used to work with a guy who was in charge (in his head), sadly he was utterly utterly incompetent, he'd got the job as his dad was friends with my manager at the time. He'd take every Monday and Tuesday 'off sick' because he'd 'eaten a dodgy pizza/bad prawns' I once got the phone and being very tired and incredibly narky due to late pregnancy, remarked 'You'd think after five years you'd figure out the place is serving dodgy prawns/pizza and stop buying from them...see you Wednesday!'
He'd then come in on wednesday and whisper for the first part of the day (to show us how ill he still was and what a martyr he was for having dragged his half dead body into the office...), the bit that irritated me was that during this whispering phase he would positively pounce on the phones whenever they rang to answer them and whisper down them, to show the world what a martyr he was presumably.
What did it for me however, was when this guy started stealing from our petty cash tins and then telling us we would have to replace the money from our own pocket. When I had a tenner go missing, I snarled that the note had better be there as I was not replacing it, having not lost it, or else (I'm not sure what or else would be to be honest). The following morning my petty cash tin balanced!
A few months later the other girl who worked with us, had to go back into the locked office after work as she'd left her house keys behind, she and security walked in to find office idiot opening the safe (after he had supposedly already gone home!)......

The girl who got drunk at every opportunity and ended up in very scary situations because of it, in the end I would have to make sure she got home safely and leave her in her house. When I stopped going to office parties becasue I had a baby to get back to, I'd come in the following day and hear about the (inappropriate) men she'd got off with and then she'd come in late and tell me she has woken up at xyz with no recollection of going there or how to get home....she once left a trail of clothing in our office after a party.
I was worried about her, she did have ishoos and a finger firmly on the self destruct button.

The girl who embarked on an affair with the maintenance assistant...they took every inopportune moment to disappear together, we got so many complaints from students because they couldn't use the back doors as the two were having a heavy session outside the back entrance (in full view of the security camera).

Used to work with a few metalist. Couple of examples:

At my previous job in a bank, we were required to wear ID passes with our picture at all times. One guy used to talk to his pass quite animately.

Same guy had a full blown argument with his sandwiches.

This guy would regularly fall asleep at his desk and have to woken up.

I used to work for quite a strange bloke - but nothing on the level of some of these. He used to do a weekly quiz night, and the following mornings, he used to make US do the quiz papers then he would mark them and smirk if we got any questions wrong. Every day he would dictate his letter to the Times - I never once saw one published. I used to have long hair and whenever he came anywhere near me, he used to stroke it and tell me how beautiful it was. Gave me me the heebee geebees.

The sneezing thing reminded me.

The temp who would sneeze really loudly and I mean really loudly it was practically a shout, I jumped the first time I heard it. then she turned to me and said; 'we sneeze the way we are in bed, I cum really loudly'...I hadn't asked or even looked at her, I'm still bemused!

DP used to work with someone who would apparently photocopy something then check the copy against the original in case there were any mistakes on it.

Arf, seaweedhead. That's just reminded me of an ex boss in the days when fax machines first became popular. We were to fax a document to a client and as I took the originals to put in the fax he got in a complete panic and said "don't use the originals, Fru, we need to keep them for our files"