'... the colour is 'multi', the fabric is 'flocked',
your friends say 'how striking' when really they're shocked,
Your bottom is sinking, your breasts epigastric
your pattern is vile 'tile' and your waistband elastic,
You're sporting applique, and panels, and swirls
you really just want to be one of the girls
It's easy, it's stylish, it's graphic, it's 'smart'
We'd tell you it's awful but haven't the heart.
Your cardi's adorned with affecting corsage.
You glance in the mirror. You look like a barge.
You're not in your dotage, you don't take a nap.
But your skirt from Per Una is fashioned from crepe.
Please listen to us as we beg you to try
some other establishment, where you can buy
a garment that gives you the youth you so crave
instead of describing 'One foot in the grave'.
Sir Stuart is cocky, Sir Stuart is sure
that his prints will be whisked from the 'Ladies, Ground Floor'
by those who aspire to be youthful and spry
But instead they are bought by the clueless of eye.
The moral of this is to give them a miss
Because, M&S, you are taking the p* * *..'