Thought I had better clock in though I am truly bad company atm. Just feeling low low low atm. Been stupidly working myself up about this appt for me, everyone know is telling me its stupid, it will be ibs, yes logically I expect they are right, but I have felt so unwell, sore and fed up with the discomfort. Been so down about just trying to face another day here, H is much the same, just lies on the sofa all day, no appetite, we dont eat together anymore, the kids are really giving us both a hard time, so it feels as though we are constantly telling them off, and now they are home all next wek and I am dreading it, if only it were summer and we could go to the beach. Feel as though I dont do anything with them, boys just sit on the computer and lap top all day, Becs spends most of her day in her room, listening to music, no-one talks to each other, I hate it. Something has got to change, I feel in such a rut. We have to go to Kings next Weds, cant find anyone to have the trio, yet cant take them, they would be so bored and the liver unit is not the nicest place for them to be. There is nothing else to do in that area with them, we could go in to the city, but Hs appt is 12.10pm, that means leaving here at 9.15am, then it will be blood tests etc, lucky to leave there until about 3pm at the earliest, and H isnt strong enough anyway to do much else. Oh I dont know, fed up with it all and just want it to go away, all of it. A friend phoned me up this morning and I ended up crying my eyes out, she quite rightly said I was being silly worying about me, and that I should try and think of nicer things than cancer every day. Yes, I know I should, but its awfully hard when you have lived this nightmare for 13 months now and still have a long way to go. I worry about Harry, I worry for the kids and then today I cried and cried for Matthew and tried to explain to her that all that is happening in our life at this time, seems to have pushed Matthew further away and that hurts me, does that make any sense? She could nt understand it, but its how I feel. I supose the cry did me good, its been a long time since I had a good bawl, and I am missing my friend so much too. Sorry to be a misery, better get to bed, we are all due at the dentist at 9am............lovely. xx