Found out it's twins and I can't cope

[Namechange122333]

Name changed for this. I've just found out I'm expecting twins and I can't stop crying. I was worried enough already about how we would manage, I have a 3 year old and a DSD already. I found 1 newborn a huge struggle, I was already worried about managing a second. I won't cope with twins. We don't have the space, we can't afford to move to a bigger house. We can't afford 2 sets of childcare at once. It's all a mess and I feel awful for not being happy.

I don't know what to do.

you poor thing, you are in shock
I have to dash now, but don't despair! I'm sure other twin mums will be along soon

I'm sorry it's so overwhelming, I totally get that. I don't have any experience myself, but if it helps at all to see a positive view of twin parenting, you might want to look at this blog: www.facebook.com/twinmumcando

I know the family, they do not have lots of money or space (and they also have an older child) but they are really making the best of it, so maybe having a look will help?

Best of luck with the pregnancy and hopefully someone with more to offer will be along on this thread soon.

I was so pissed off to find out I was having twins. At times it was just too much work. 30 years later, they are really cool and worth the enormous effort.
Start asking for help now, it will be hard, it is possible to do it.

Hi! Don’t despair! It’s a massive shock when you first find out. I also had an older one then twins and I was so unprepared. I used to pity people with twins, thinking I would NEVER want that. Now I have them it’s the best thing ever!😍 Yes it’s bloody tough at times but it does get easier and having twins is so, so special. I feel so lucky having mine. So don’t despair. Find a nice twin group in your area (parents of single children can’t truly relate) and get involved. Join some twin Facebook groups (the gentle parenting one and the breastfeeding twins one are amazing). You can totally do this💪💪💪

Hi

Mum of twins here. Who discovered them at the 12 week scan. Burst into tears. And said "fuck" at the poor sonographer about 30 times.

Also mum of a singleton. And thought everything you're thinking right now.

I tell you, I'd have another set of twins tomorrow, and it's made me wish my first was a twin as well.

The difficult bits are the physical "need two pairs of hands bits". Bathing two is a right pain. Double nappy changes (you just put one in the cot while you deal with the other) take twice as long. And get a twin bf pillow, for bf or bottle feeding. This is only for the teeny tiny stages. Once they can hold their own bottle, you're laughing. You absolutely don't need two of everything.

Things I wish I'd known. They don't hear each other crying, it's like white noise to each other and they don't wake each other up. They need you much less, because they entertain each other and keep each other company. They develop their own little language between them, which is adorable. They are honestly the most fascinating little creatures I could ever have hoped for, and they will always have each other, for better and worse.

What don't you have the space for? Ours are 2 now, and imagine they will share until around 5 at least. It's just joyous to wake up to hear them in hysterics jabbing each other in their side by side cots.

Do you know what you're having? Ours are boy girl. And sincerest congratulations. I know you're horrified right now, but I promise you, read this thread again in a years time, and you'll smile

Even if I can get my head around coping with caring for them we literally don't have the money. We both work so don't qualify for anything except tax free childcare. I can't magic up £1000s extra for nursery. The kids were already going to share rooms, I have nowhere to put them all. We had already stretched ourselves to get this house, we can't afford anything bigger.

I just can't see how we can ever make it work and I can't stop crying.

@DoubleTroubleAndThenSome

Absolutely. I feel lucky, and so privileged to have mine, now I know what it's really like.

OP you are in for the best of times xx

Also thanks everyone for the lovely words so far, it is helping

Do you have a 2 bed house OP?

Could bunk beds work later down the line? We had two sets of bunk beds in one bedroom when I was younger.

In terms of childcare can you look into a nanny? You'll probably find it cheaper than paying for 2 nursery places.

It's overwhelming at first but you can do this. My twins shared a room until they were 11 and we could afford to move. Just take everything one step at a time.

I don't know what kind they are but I know they're identical.

We've got a 3 bed but my DSD has a tiny box room, my DS has the other. So depending on genders, 2 were going to share the bigger room.

So DS is 3, and DSD is....

Yeah I get it, financially it is a stretch. We had a nanny until they started preschool, the nanny also collected my older one from school so it was cheaper than nursery x2 plus after school care. It was still very expensive. Once they’re in school it gets a bit more manageable money wise. We just make do, have a lot of second hand stuff and they share clothes etc. But yeah childcare for begin with is a killer. All three can share a room though. You will find a way. I remember stressing about so many things, thinking there weren’t any solutions, but there were. It’s not easy but it can be done, and I can honestly say despite the challenges having twins is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s very normal to feel overwhelmed though, allow yourself those feelings now. But things will work out, I promise.

A bunk bed and a single bed could go in the bigger room then?

Ah, identical twins. That's amazing. You can do this!

A nanny is way beyond our budget. Our budget for those first few years until the free hours was perilously tight, we almost decided against another one because of it. I was worried about how stressful it would be and the impact on the 2 we already have. It's not like trying to find an extra £20 for food or something.

Thank you to everyone trying to help, I know how negative I'm being but I just can't see a way out right now.

And also, do a calculation now on universal credit for you stopping work. You can claim for 3 children when your 2nd and 3rd are twins. You might be entitled to more than you think, and you'll be avoiding all the nursery fees.

Mine are identical too @Namechange122333😊😊😊 You should have some extra scans because of this (I’m assuming they are monochorionic, sharing a placenta). Most MCDA pregnancies are uneventful but they’ll keep a close eye on you.

I know it might not feel like this right now but honestly it is amazing. You’ll find a lot of solidarity and good company in fellow twin parents. Just take it one day at a time and hang in there!

Would I get UC even though my husband works?

I think the sonographer said MCDA, there was some sort of letters anyway but my head was gone by that point.

Finding our the news about twins is one of the biggest shocks I’ve ever had. Still not sure I’m used to it and their almost a year old.

Don’t worry about coping in the new stages. As a twin mum you soon accept all offers of help (shop assistants lifting a bat to comfort? Tick! Asking friends to come round when they’re teething and you need a spare hand? Tixk). It’s also easier if you’ve been through it with a child before and you know no stages last forever.

Your older ones will be a huge help too.

Finance wise it is a squeeze. But you’ve 30 free hours for your older one, you won’t need wrap around care when on mat leave and there’s double child benefit too. Buy everything you need second hand too - join a local twins group. From experience Twin Mums are just desperate to get rid of big ticket items so give it away for free or buttons.

Long term, you may need to consider dropping hours or a job change; but cross that bridge when you come to it.

Twins are the best - it’s a constant wonder to watch too little people develop and be such different personalities.

Good luck, and keep on asking for support on here; you’ll always find it.

Actual expense wise, you need a double pram, and you'll go through a lot of milk in the early days. But other than that, it's only childcare that really costs. I am SAHM for that exact reason.

Nappies we get from Lidl and they are ace. Clothes, I get loads off eBay, and Facebook for sale (and DH is 6 figure salary, I just bloody love a bargain!) They are far cheaper than the embarrassing amount I spent on DS (firstborn) and look much better dressed!

Aww bless you it can feel so so overwhelming at times. We went through IVF for ours but honestly when we found out it was twins I had a couple of weeks of “what the hell have we done” it was so so scary and we didn’t have any other children.

I’ve returned to work 2 days a week & the girls are in nursery 2 x mornings, but with the nursery fees I really only bring home pay for 1 day. My DH never thought we’d cope but you know what we have. The phrase things just have a way of working out is very true.

In terms of twins, they are absolutely fabulous, as PP has said they entertain each other lots, more so than a singleton. Also agree find your local twins group ASAP, no one will really understand, but multiple mums have a specific bond/understanding that no one else does.

We found that we were given loads of stuff and we gratefully received everything offered.

Best of luck to you xxxxx

Yes, depending on what DH earns, you may well be entitled to UC. Maybe not the full whack, but do the calc. You'll need to "tick" the bit where it says you can claim for more than two children because of exceptional circumstances.

If it was me, DS and DSD would be in bunk beds, and twins in the other room. You will need a 7 seater though, if you DH and all 4 children want to drive somewhere. Older style Q7 are great value.

Mine are 30 now, the poor little student nurse who was in with me for a “hmm, you look big for 12 weeks” surprise scan dared to say “ohhh, that’s lovely.” I may have said “don’t be fucking silly” (sorry student nurse) and cried. I took a week off work with shock. We lived in a tiny two roomed terrace with our 18month old. Yes, it was hard, and I know it sounds trite, but you do get through it. And I also know it sounds very middle class, but in those days a nanny worked out cheaper than child minders (even if someone would take three) Look into all your benefits, haunt the Facebook selling sites. Good luck op.

@Namechange122333

Even if I can get my head around coping with caring for them we literally don't have the money. We both work so don't qualify for anything except tax free childcare. I can't magic up £1000s extra for nursery. The kids were already going to share rooms, I have nowhere to put them all. We had already stretched ourselves to get this house, we can't afford anything bigger.

I just can't see how we can ever make it work and I can't stop crying.

Well if it makes you feel slightly better I have a 13 year old an 8 year old and a 10 month old in a 2 bed house, with not much hope of moving withing the next couple of years 🤣. At least you've got a good few years before you have to worry about separate rooms. 3 in a room is fine, it's oy for sleeping. Could the lower earner give up work for a while?