Found out it's twins and I can't cope

[Namechange122333]

Name changed for this. I've just found out I'm expecting twins and I can't stop crying. I was worried enough already about how we would manage, I have a 3 year old and a DSD already. I found 1 newborn a huge struggle, I was already worried about managing a second. I won't cope with twins. We don't have the space, we can't afford to move to a bigger house. We can't afford 2 sets of childcare at once. It's all a mess and I feel awful for not being happy.

I don't know what to do.

I have a singleton, then twins, then another singleton. You can do it, it's unimaginable before they arrive but you will manage and it will be a lot of fun. And a lot of hard work...but it it is very very worth it.

I have 21 year old twin girls and having them has been the best thing to ever happen to me/us.

It is hard work at times but you do learn to be really organised,.

Good luck.

@Postdatedpandemic

I was so pissed off to find out I was having twins. At times it was just too much work. 30 years later, they are really cool and worth the enormous effort. Start asking for help now, it will be hard, it is possible to do it.

Oh yes - this!

@Gilly12345

I have 21 year old twin girls and having them has been the best thing to ever happen to me/us.

It is hard work at times but you do learn to be really organised,.

Good luck.

And this

Ah yes, I had that "helping hands" thing from homestart. The idea is they come round once a week to just be an extra pair of hands. So you can go and have a bath, or just have half an hour to watch TV and have a cuppa in complete rest. They will come to the supermarket to help as well. You can't leave them with the children though.

Mine was shite. I wanted her here so I could have a decent bath, wash my hair, just for half an hour, without being on edge listening for a nappy change etc. She ignored all this, turned up, banged on about herself and her second home in Dubai, drank tea, ate my biscuits, so I couldn't get away, and essentially, took my time up for 3 hrs, so I was far more behind by the time she left plus, I ran myself ragged cleaning meticulously before her arrival. I did tell her boss she wasn't providing the help I actually requested/needed, but this changed nothing, and after her third visit, I told her boss I wouldn't be needing her anymore!

Apparently they are very good if you don't get Lady Dubai-is-faaaahbulous

And yes, you can also contact your local college who does childcare courses, and they always have students who want work experience with twins/triplets to put on their resumé, so they will pop round once a week and essentially look after them for you, for free (but you kind of have to be around as per the homestart thing, but as long as you're in the house, you don't need to be in the same room, and can get so much done)

I hope you're seeing, OP, that your reaction is normal, and pretty much identical to what we all had.

And like the helping hands and the college work experience, there's quite a bit available to parents of multiples that make life a lot easier, that you just won't be aware of, just like we weren't, until other multiple mums piped up and told us.

Twin mums will be your absolute god send. I've been gifted so much stuff from completely random twin mums via FB groups, just because now you're in this special little group of people, we all share this understanding, that other parents just don't get. And I can't explain it, we're complete strangers, but we're just inherently close because of it. I've gifted so much stuff. Specifically to other twin mothers. We got given these ridiculously expensive baby swings, like £600 the pair, all because when I contacted the woman selling them on FB for £200, I said I'll have both please, I've got twins on the way, she just said "Omg welcome to the club! Have them" and gave me them and about 6 bags of other stuff. I can remember at the time, being just blown away. But I get it now. I gifted them to another twin mum, with our next to me cots, carriers, bundles and bundles of stuff. We're just all in this amazing little club that nature chose for us, and we just want to help each other.

Also. I'm going to say a sentence to you, that you'll think "wtf is she rambling on about?" and again, in a year, read this back with a knowing smile

"Are they twins, does it run in the family, who's the eldest, were they IVF, which one's the naughty one, are they identical, double trouble, got your hands full, my sister's neighbour's aunt's third cousin is a twin, I went to school with twins, bet your husband spends a lot of time in the office, aren't you clever having two at once, they look alike, they don't look alike, bet they keep you busy, are you a twin?"

We found out we were having twins when DC1 was 4. It was a shock as it’s not something you do plan for and we were only just keeping afloat by both working full time and had just bought a house in a better area for DC1 to go to school do had a bigger mortgage. We’d also been tying for a 2nd baby for over 2 years so had just about decided DC1 would be an only.

We knew immediately we couldn’t afford two lots of nursery fees and school wrap around and holiday care so I didn’t go back to work after maternity leave (only 12 weeks then as well!). Went back when they started school.

I’m not going to deny it has been hard, we were financially fucked, we had no family support either, but I honestly don’t regret it. They’re almost 20 now and I quite often think back to when they were babies/toddlers and really miss it which is crazy as it was complete chaos and we were like zombies. It might seem like it’s going to be never ending but it does eventually.

DD had just started school when I had mine so the school run was fun having to get twins up and ready in the morning as well, with one or both, inevitably filling their nappy by the time I’d put them in their car seats! So making friends on the school or nursery run who might be happy to drop off your eldest for a few months would be a good tip .

You might not think you’ll cope but you will. You may well have to adapt to a different standard of living but in the end I’d rather be poorer and have them because they’re priceless. There are other situations which could make you worse off.

Most important thing is to try to get them into a decent sleep routine as early as possible and take all the help you can get.

We had another one (singleton thankfully) later on so obviously weren’t too traumatised!

Good luck .

If you get an enhanced maternity package, you may need to factor in returning to work for a short period to avoid repaying the extra.

I've seen it worked out with holidays in these circumstances before. Worth working out all your options early so you can save sufficient leave if they let you carry it over.

From friends with twins, don't be afraid to ask for help. You are likely to need it in the early weeks at least so get people prepared.

Can you fit a cot in your room? You could do that first, borrow a bit of storage from your son's room and work out the rest later.

It's a difficult year or two but you'll have a lovely family in the long run.

And I think most people told it's twins feel like you. My poor friend found out while her husband was away and couldn't even tell him for three weeks!

I also vividly remember being heavily pregnant with mine and taking DD into Clarks for school shoes after buying her uniform and having a panic attack about how were we going to afford to buy 3 uniforms and 3 pairs of school shoes .

Bless you. Mum of identical twin boys here.

Just wanted to pop on to say your worries are totally legit and normal but omg twins are THE BEST.

My boys shared a cot until they were 11 months and that meant they slept through the night really early as they had someone to cuddle. They often play with each other on the floor (they’re 14 months old now) while I have a cup of tea and I compare them to singletons and just think they’re so much more chilled and patient. They make each other giggle constantly and it’s just so so so wonderful. If one cries, the other toddles over and strokes his head.

You get more child benefit for twins (£140 a month) and I use this as my ‘spending money’ as all other income goes on childcare, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I also live in a flat and space is an issue but I feel so lucky to have them and so pleased they have each other x

We have twins through ivf and we moved having twins so much we tried for another set. While it is a bit more expensive it’s not doubly expensive. You can buy shared clothes and my twins shared a bed until they were 8. If you contact the twins club they should be able to give you great advice and sometimes volunteers can help. Top tip when bottle feeding I would sit on the floor cross legged and put a twin in each knee nook and feed them via bottle at the same time. Lx

Hi OP

I don’t know if this has already been said here - as haven’t read every post, but you don’t have to go ahead with a pregnancy that you don’t feel you can cope with. That’s okay. It’s your body and you are perfectly entitled to consider a termination after finding out you have an unwanted pregnancy. Yes, it was planned but you planned for one extra baby, not two. In a sense, it is similar to a woman finding out she is pregnant with one baby when she didn’t plan a pregnancy at all.

I have twins, and already had two DC when I planned for another then found out it was twins. I didn’t consider termination back then and I love my DC very much. However, if it was possible to “turn back time” I’d stick with just the 2 DC I had. It broke me in terms of post natal depression, I couldn’t give each child enough attention at any time - and still can’t - and I lost so much of my life and freedom, in a way I wouldn’t have done with just one more baby.

Sending you lots of love

I had a very difficult DC1 who didn't like sleep and didn't like food, so having twins was my idea of hell on earth. I am not Mary Poppins. Glad to find out I am not the only one who cried tears of despair at the scan

The first years are a blur of forward planning and organisation. They slept far better than DC1 between them. It is hard work but worth it - and they are still the best thing that ever happened to me 27 years later.

I’m a twin. My mother always told me having twins is like having 1.5 children when they are babies, not two, because they both need do many things at the same time. You’re not having to choose between whose needs to meet unlike with diff age Dc although I know you have others.

But importantly, I like being a twin because you know there’s always someone who has your back. You share a lot together even if you hate sharing, you have a bond that is as strong as any siblings or more. People find it interesting that you’re a twin and they want to talk about it.

You need to be ruthlessly organised, manage your expectations and find other mums of twins to let off seam when you need to.

Good luck

On the childcare costs and stopping work, really give a lot of consideration to your long term financial security. If you aren't working, you may struggle to remortgage or move if you want to, you'll have less in your pension and may find that when you are ready to go back to work that you have to go back at a more junior role and earn less than now.

I initially went back full time but used all my accrued annual leave to go to 4 days a week for nearly 6 months, and then permanently reduced to 3.5 days but worked over 4 days so had a bit of flexibility. DP also did compressed hours - working full time but over 4 days. It meant only needed childcare for 3 days a week which was financially hard but bit more manageable than two full time places. And meant that when dc were school age, I could increase my hours and go for a promotion.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice, it really means a lot right now. I'm still just in shock. You know it can happen but you don't think it will happen to you!

Could one of you work evening or weekends so you dont need childcare?

I was not in your exact position, @Namechange122333, but I hope it reassures you if I say that I found my second and third babies much easier to cope with than No1.

I found that I learned a huge amount when I had ds1 - all the little tips and tricks that save time and energy - plus I was so much more confident handling my second and third newborns, because of all the practice I'd had with No1 - and that made it much easier, even though I had a toddler or two underfoot.

Obviously it would have been different if No2 and No3 had been twins, but I still think that all I had learned, and all the experience I got with the first one would have made things easier.

You have got a huge amount of experience that you didn't have first time round, and I really believe that will help you cope with the twins.

Your feelings are completely normal. When I found out at the scan I was like, “why me?” I couldn’t see any advantages to having two babies over one, only problems. I struggled hugely with no1 and was dreading dealing with two newborns. I didn’t enjoy twin pregnancy at all. I was huge, massively hormonal and anxious about the birth and coping afterwards.

Once they arrived I felt so much better, and we managed better than I could have ever imagined. They’re 7 months so I’m still in the thick of the baby stage and the logistical challenges it brings but I’m excited to see their relationship developing with each other and their big sister, who they adore. I love them so much now and they have completed our family. I can’t say it is a doddle, and I have some bad days (and nights) but I’m happy how things have worked out. Having an older child, I know that this too shall pass. Don’t underestimate the experience your first has given you, I’m a much more laid back and relaxed parent 2nd & 3rd time around.

Of course as other posters have noted, there are choices if you are questioning whether you can continue with the pregnancy.

I've got triplets who are in their 20s. Strict routine was the key for me. Yes it was an incredible shock, yes I did wonder how on earth we'd cope, but it's been a hell of a ride! I wouldn't change things at all. They have a lovely relationship as adults, with 2 sharing a flat. The other lives with their partner. My eldest is 6 years older and he was wonderful when they were babies.

@MollysDolly

Hi

Mum of twins here. Who discovered them at the 12 week scan. Burst into tears. And said "fuck" at the poor sonographer about 30 times.

Also mum of a singleton. And thought everything you're thinking right now.

I tell you, I'd have another set of twins tomorrow, and it's made me wish my first was a twin as well.

The difficult bits are the physical "need two pairs of hands bits". Bathing two is a right pain. Double nappy changes (you just put one in the cot while you deal with the other) take twice as long. And get a twin bf pillow, for bf or bottle feeding. This is only for the teeny tiny stages. Once they can hold their own bottle, you're laughing. You absolutely don't need two of everything.

Things I wish I'd known. They don't hear each other crying, it's like white noise to each other and they don't wake each other up. They need you much less, because they entertain each other and keep each other company. They develop their own little language between them, which is adorable. They are honestly the most fascinating little creatures I could ever have hoped for, and they will always have each other, for better and worse.

What don't you have the space for? Ours are 2 now, and imagine they will share until around 5 at least. It's just joyous to wake up to hear them in hysterics jabbing each other in their side by side cots.

Do you know what you're having? Ours are boy girl. And sincerest congratulations. I know you're horrified right now, but I promise you, read this thread again in a years time, and you'll smile

Beautiful message

Would you consider an abortion? If it is unaffordable and unmanageable then that is your option.

Hi OP - MCDA mum here too. DH and I spent the first fortnight after the scan in a complete mess emotionally, and if I'm honest I'm still grieving the loss of having an 'easy second baby', especially after DD was such an easy pregnancy/birth/baby. We're also going to struggle financially, having got everything for a second DC but now need a new pram/another car seat/another car. Nursery fees will be painful.
BUT..... 19 weeks now and in a much better place.
What has helped: joining Facebook groups for national/local twin groups. Speaking to twin mums I know. The few friends who reacted to the news with "amazing! You'll boss it!".
What hasn't helped: Everyone who has told me how awful it will be, how I'll be utterly dependent on outside help and drowning for the first year. I'm sure they're right but it's not bloody helpful. Oh, and the consultants who bang on about risk of stillbirth at EVERY appointment. Again, I know the risks, we don't need to mention it every time when my scans are all fine so far.

Give yourself some time and arm yourself with some knowledgable and positive people. As others have said, you will feel differently but the initial shock is pretty big.

Everyone who has told me how awful it will be, how I'll be utterly dependent on outside help and drowning for the first year. I'm sure they're right but it's not bloody helpful

Right. Let me tell you something right now. The kind of people who say things to this, are jealous. Or those dicks who like to bring others down to make them feel better.

I had the fear of God in me, by people coming out with this shit. "Ooh, I don't envy you...sleepless nights forever...wow, good luck!....don't expect to leave the house for the first 6 months"

Now think about it. If something happens to someone, and it's genuinely bad, you offer apologies, sympathy. This is people being catty. My friend for example, is very wealthy, and very lovely. The number of times I hear people make snide comments about him though. Simply because he has something, that they don't.

I'm not saying everyone is jealous of twins. But the ones who actively make these twatty comments to your face are. And I'll tell you what they never are. Other mothers of twins, who actually know what they're talking about. Always the ones with an opinion on everything, yet feck all actual life experience.

Sorry if I'm ranting. I know what these people did to me. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy because of them. They made me feel like my life would be a nightmare, and my pregnancy was now a countdown to that. And that's what's they're doing to you.

My twins, are categorically the best thing that has ever happened to me. They are easier than a singleton in many ways. I was out shopping with them 10 days post birth. Far from it being a life of drudgery and sacrifice, I actually can't bear to put them into nursery (I need to, for their socialising, and so I can do some me things, but I'm deliberately dragging it out) and have kept them at home with me. DS went at 3 months because I needed a break. I just don't need a break from them, they entertain each other, and it's incredible to watch their interactions.

Oh, don't get me wrong, they fight. An instant sibling from the start to irritate, poke, and run off with their favourite toy, or whip a biscuit from the others hand. This is 5% of the time. And honestly, it's quite funny. Seeing one bolt down the hallway, waving a biscuit, victorious as the other zips past a few seconds after, to get their biscuit back.

I am not a knackered, burnt out mum. I am so lucky that nature chose me, to have these two. They make my life better in every way. It's not all champagne and skittles, of course not, no child is. But I (and DH) literally could have written your post. And if only I knew then, what I know now.

Congratulations. Twins are the best xx