Found out it's twins and I can't cope

[Namechange122333]

Name changed for this. I've just found out I'm expecting twins and I can't stop crying. I was worried enough already about how we would manage, I have a 3 year old and a DSD already. I found 1 newborn a huge struggle, I was already worried about managing a second. I won't cope with twins. We don't have the space, we can't afford to move to a bigger house. We can't afford 2 sets of childcare at once. It's all a mess and I feel awful for not being happy.

I don't know what to do.

@MollysDolly

Hi

Mum of twins here. Who discovered them at the 12 week scan. Burst into tears. And said "fuck" at the poor sonographer about 30 times.

Also mum of a singleton. And thought everything you're thinking right now.

I tell you, I'd have another set of twins tomorrow, and it's made me wish my first was a twin as well.

The difficult bits are the physical "need two pairs of hands bits". Bathing two is a right pain. Double nappy changes (you just put one in the cot while you deal with the other) take twice as long. And get a twin bf pillow, for bf or bottle feeding. This is only for the teeny tiny stages. Once they can hold their own bottle, you're laughing. You absolutely don't need two of everything.

Things I wish I'd known. They don't hear each other crying, it's like white noise to each other and they don't wake each other up. They need you much less, because they entertain each other and keep each other company. They develop their own little language between them, which is adorable. They are honestly the most fascinating little creatures I could ever have hoped for, and they will always have each other, for better and worse.

What don't you have the space for? Ours are 2 now, and imagine they will share until around 5 at least. It's just joyous to wake up to hear them in hysterics jabbing each other in their side by side cots.

Do you know what you're having? Ours are boy girl. And sincerest congratulations. I know you're horrified right now, but I promise you, read this thread again in a years time, and you'll smile

This is adorable 🤩

I did Entitled to and TurnToUs and you're right, I would get benefits. I can't believe it. I'm public sector and there is an option for a career break although it's not always given.

Hi @Namechange122333, another twin mum here. I found out alone and told DH by text that we were having twins. You can do this. Twins are hard but bring a bloody huge amount of joy (to me at least). Mine share a room. We have a nanny which means we lose money each month but we’ll cope until they get their 30 free hours. I lowered my expectations re housework (ie none) and have asked DM for a weekly healthy meals delivery for xmas.
You will learn to do amazing things like feeding two babies at once, carrying two etc. Our local twin club is an absolute lifeline for me. If you happen to be on the SE london/ Kent border let me know.

See OP, ot might be a struggle but everything works out eventually.

Go on to the government website and do the benifit calculator.

Did you intentionally get pregnant or was it an accident? There’s a risk with every pregnancy that it might be multiples. How often do you have dsd? If you don’t have her full time then could she share with ds whilst the twins have the bigger room?

I found out I was having twins at 12 weeks and my eldest was 13 months at that point. It is a huge shock. I couldn’t think of anything else for days and felt sick about it, it had ruined all our plans for life with 2 kids! Sit with it for a few days. It is hard I won’t lie but you can do it. Ours are boy/girl and they have just turned 4 and they are wonderful. Just give yourself a few days to think about it and deal with the shock. Congratulations!

That sounds positive- are you feeling a bit better now?

I’m not sure this helps but I’m a twin and being a twin is brilliant! We had an older brother and sister, lived in a 3 bed house, 2 boys in bunk bed in a tiny room and the girls in a larger room! It was fine and all we knew so wasn’t an issue certainly not as small children. There are books about routines for twins which might help you manage your time. Good luck I was sad I never had twins, 3 singles and I’m done!

@Namechange122333

I don't know what kind they are but I know they're identical.

We've got a 3 bed but my DSD has a tiny box room, my DS has the other. So depending on genders, 2 were going to share the bigger room.

Wow, identical is incredible!

It is a big shock and I think anybody would feel a bit freaked out at first- even somebody with loads of money. You'll gradually get used to the idea, then you can start to enjoy your pregnancy and perhaps even get excited?

As to where you'll put everybody, it will all work out. It always does. They don't take up much space

@Namechange122333

I did Entitled to and TurnToUs and you're right, I would get benefits. I can't believe it. I'm public sector and there is an option for a career break although it's not always given.

Brilliant!

Does this make it more doable to live on DH wage, plus whatever the calculation is, when you have no childcare costs at all? Plus you get three years to enjoy them! (That's my bias, SAHM isn't for everyone, I completely accept)

My dB had a dc 5, 3, and nearly 2 when they announced they were having twins. I could barely muster a congrats as l genuinely didn't know how they would cope. One thing that kept them afloat was both parents had to be totally hands on..no messin'. Every night waking both were up. DB now says he was so involved with those two compared to the others that it brought them really close and he really enjoyed it.
I am sure there are people who are only mad to give you spare bits but keeping everything as simple as possible seems to be the key.
Do you have family support?
Ty not to panic.

My DS was 2.5 when my twins were born. My reaction was the same as yours, I burst into tears. I had struggled with my DS when he was born and we thought really hard before deciding to go for a second especially as we had a 2 bed house and couldn't afford to move. I won't lie, the early days were bloody hard work but with help from family I got through it. Do you have family to help you? I would also advise that you join TAMBA (Twins And Multiple Birth Association). Not only do they have some fantastic advice on their website and a helpline but you can also get discount in some shops if you have a TAMBA membership card.

My DTs are now 11 and DS is 14 and it has definately all been worth it. Good luck OP

The food thing is a great tip.

After the "fuuuuuuuuck what the holy fuuuuuuuuck" had subsided, we went to a couple of twin parenting classes. Used to be "Tamba" I think it's called twinstrust now. The ladies running it were twin, and triplet mothers.

They said the babies weren't that hard, they were time consuming, so what was hard, was spending every hour in the day feeding, washing, dressing and changing multiple small people, whilst trying to find an hour to run the hoover round, or cook tea. Instead of asking for help with the babies, ask your mum/nan/bestie to bring you a lasagne every Friday. I swear, this makes all the difference. My mum would come round, and watch them, so I could nip to the supermarket, or go and change all the beds and run the hoover round. You don't actually need the extra help to do the manual work that the multiples need, it's more the stuff that the you aren't doing because you've got multiples

I'm so relieved I'm not the only one who swore at the sonographer. Sorry to all the sonographers out there

I really appreciate all the advice, thank you for everyone taking the time to reply. I am pleased to say I have managed to stop crying, even if I'm still absolutely shell shocked.

You would be entitled to child benefits/tax credits and Universal Credit- speak to Citizens Advice

Good luck- I’m sure you will be fantastic . Hard work yes but so rewarding I’m sure

Op I remember exactly this when I had this news. I literally have flashbacks to that day I was so upset and scared. I could have written your post. I considered all my options but didn't have much time to think.

Situation Similar to you.

We're still squashed into our tiny 2 bed house.

All 3 share a room (2 girls 1 boy). Older SD is adult now and just doesn't sleep over anymore.

I've been where you are and I can't deny it's been hard. Mine are 6 now. They are gorgeous and wonderful.
I've done a good job despite depression and anxiety.
If the worst thing is they have to share a room they will be fine.
But I get you completely. I felt that way. And still struggle with the practical side of finances and house. Dunno what we will do. But the kids are all v happy.
Please feel free to pm me. I really hear you. Genuine hugs to you xx

Ah I’m glad you feel a little calmer @Namechange122333. It’s definitely okay to cry! If you’re anything like me, you’ll stop crying and then remember something else problematic (the car! The pram! Etc!) and start crying again😂 But honestly all those things resolved themselves with time. Like other people have said you can get most things super cheap or second hand.

My fears about having twins were quite short-lived, as soon after finding out I was expecting twins I discovered one of my boys was extremely unwell in the womb. From then on all the “normal” worries went out of the window and we were instead worrying about losing one of them or indeed both. The poorly one spent a long time in hospital afterwards too (luckily he is fine now!). Like another poster said, all these practical issues can be resolved. The main thing is that you are well, and your twins are well. Everything else will work out. Take it easy and look after yourself xxx

It's such a shock. I saw the twins on the scan in the first seconds, before the Dr said anything, and I was appalled.
They are brilliant. Our house is just full of life and laughing and three kids is such a great dynamic.
There are ways to save money; bf is a big one and cloth nappies too. Secondhand buggy and sharing one cot for a while. Travel cots are much cheaper than wooden and nobody bumps their head. I guess you'll have some clothes and toys and things from your firstborn, and people will just love to give presents too.
You will be delighted with them, I promise you.
Start taking iron btw!

@villainousbroodmare I thought your last sentence said “start ironing btw”😂😂😂 Definitely don’t bother ironing anything with twins😂😂😂

Breastfeeding is a real money saver if you’re considering it. Even if you didn’t with your first it certainly is possible with twins (though obviously you may prefer not to).

You know you do have options. You don't have to go through with the pregnancy if you don't want to.

Ah yes what @gamerchick says is very true as well. People do terminate twin pregnancies if they really think they can’t cope. There certainly is that option as well, so you can always consider that.

You can't use this as a 'childcare' option, but to give you a helping hand the first year or so, phone the childcare qualification department at your nearest college. Ask if they have any students who'd like to pitch in to gain experience and their first reference. I would have bitten a family's hand off for the opportunity when I was learning! Even when I was newly qualified I was only charging £6ph (to be fair would probably be more like £7 per hour these days!) so that could still work out as a cost effective alternative to nursery for 2.