"Having siblings close together is just like twins"

[twinguilt]

I have toddler DTs and an older DC (6) and I'm finding the twins tough at the moment as they are at that running, jumping, stubborn, wilful, fearless, stage... a family member who has 3 children (all teenagers now) with about 18m gap between each, is always saying little things to me that are variations on the theme of 'it was harder for me as I had 3 close in age'. While I don't doubt it was hard for her, I also feel fed up as I just don't think that siblings 18m apart are quite the same degree of hard as twins... the fact that they both go through each stage of madness at the same time...I feel one crazy toddler, with one who was a baby in arms would be much easier... but then, I would think that wouldn't I? I might be wrong, I don't actually know as I've not been there. Thing is, I'd never say to her that I think it's harder for me, as everyone has their own way of dealing with things, I just was wondering if anyone else here firstly knows how to respond to someone being patronising like this, but also do you think 3 under 4 IS harder than one older and twins? Thanks

I don’t have twins but I know quite a few people with them and from what I’ve seen I would say twins are much more difficult than two close in age plus you’ve got the fact that you didn’t plan for a third when you decided to get pregnant! At least with three singletons you’ve consciously chosen the extra expense and exhaustion.

Her comments are unhelpful as her children are past the baby/toddler stage now whilst you’re still going through it.
I don’t understand you both competing as to who had it harder though. Who cares? The reality is, certain things will be easier, certain things will be harder. Don’t compete, just deal with the situation you’re in. Her experience is irrelevant. Get through the bad days, enjoy the good ones.

Really annoys me when people say two different ages are harder than twins, mate I'm just sitting here quietly, I wasn't even saying anything about how hard my (feral) twin toddlers are. And especially if I was, how is it helpful to tell me that something else is harder.

Makes me laugh now but my colleague who had a baby a few weeks after me, told another colleague that her singleton was harder than my twins. Really really annoyed me because 1) how would you know (note I said colleague and not friend) 2) I wasn't even saying anything about how hard my two were and 3) it's not a competition!

Even a few mth age gap, you've had months to work out what the hell you're doing with a newborn and not had to deal with two screaming newborns at the same time. Equally though, having a newborn with a rampaging toddler running around doesn't sound like fun. No just sitting on the sofa calming cuddling baby(ies). My two are quite good sleepers and I do appreciate having both asleep at the same time, nap and bedtime wise!

It's all hard and frankly a bit shit at ttimes but comfort me wwhen i say it's hard, not tell me ssomeone else had it harder e

No one has it harder, little kids are hard whatever you have but an 18 month age gap is not the same as having twins. My 1st was 18 months when my twins were born and he was walking, feeding and drinking himself, no bottle feeds and mostly sleeping through the night. Not at all the same as having two newborns! So it is definitely hard with that age gap but it is definitely not comparable.

@Dontwanttobeatwat

Really annoys me when people say two different ages are harder than twins, mate I'm just sitting here quietly, I wasn't even saying anything about how hard my (feral) twin toddlers are. And especially if I was, how is it helpful to tell me that something else is harder.

Makes me laugh now but my colleague who had a baby a few weeks after me, told another colleague that her singleton was harder than my twins. Really really annoyed me because 1) how would you know (note I said colleague and not friend) 2) I wasn't even saying anything about how hard my two were and 3) it's not a competition!

Even a few mth age gap, you've had months to work out what the hell you're doing with a newborn and not had to deal with two screaming newborns at the same time. Equally though, having a newborn with a rampaging toddler running around doesn't sound like fun. No just sitting on the sofa calming cuddling baby(ies). My two are quite good sleepers and I do appreciate having both asleep at the same time, nap and bedtime wise!

It's all hard and frankly a bit shit at ttimes but comfort me wwhen i say it's hard, not tell me ssomeone else had it harder e

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This!!

I think that babies and children can vary so greatly that it is impossible to say one combination is definitively harder than another. Obviously the more babies and very young children you have over a short period of time increases the chances of things getting very tricky indeed, but in my experience one extremely difficult baby or toddler can be much harder to deal with than multiple children that are good sleepers and generally a lot less demanding. Unfortunately it's all pot luck and it's impossible to truly convey to other parents (often in similar situations on paper) how hellish things can get when your children are being unbelievably challenging and difficult.

I think you are feeling angry and frustrated about how hard you are finding life at the moment with your twins and want external validation that you are justified in feeling the way you do. This is why you are so offended by her comments as you feel that she is implying that your situation isn't uniquely difficult and your struggling is a sign of failure.

I think firstly you need to stop seeking validation from others, your situation is difficult and it is normal to struggle when put under such pressure from two unreasonable and unpredictable little people. You aren't failing, you're surviving and enduring which is necessary and sufficient at times of our lives when flourishing isn't really possible. Secondly, as you are speaking her truth perhaps accept she is speaking her truth. Maybe she struggled beyond belief with her children and is therefore drawing similarities with her situation and yours. We don't need to tear each other down or belittle difficulties in order to get empathy and help ourselves. Perhaps politely acknowledge that she too was in an extremely challenging situation with so many children so young and ask for tips on how she got through it. She might even be a great person to ask for help as she is obviously used to dealing with multiple very young children so potentially could look after yours for a little while to give you a break.

I had three under 3. Twins and a toddler. We always said looking after one twin and the toddler was far easier. One of us would always take a twin out with us on an errand (supermarket etc) and leave the other two at home.

It’s great now they are a bit older and they all play together.

Say 'it's so sad for you to have regrets' to her - pretend you think she has misgivings about having 3 close together. Should stop the comments.

These type of people make me laugh.

We have 2 close in age, 16.5mth gap. It is nothing like twins! I am hard core, when our twins were born our other children were 2, 4 & 9. The twins slot in to family life really well and were not much trouble tbh. Yes the exhaustion was a whole other level and my body was pretty broken by the pregnancy (they were 17lb combined at birth) but it was worth it all to have a very special pair with the most beautiful bond. Didn't put me off more as our 6th will be arriving in less than a week.

Just smile and nod when people say dumb stuff.