Marriage ruined by my twins. Does it get any better?

[nuckyscarnation]

We have 13 month old b/g twins. They are ivf babies so took a lot of time (and all my savings!) to conceive.

I love them more than life itself. They are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I couldn’t imagine life without them. However my marriage is in absolute tatters and I don’t know how to salvage it. We’re due to start at Relate but I’m honestly not sure it will be enough. I’m just so worn out all the time and I feel like I have nothing spare to give to my DH😪

I’m just so sad that I have my dream but at the expense of my relationship. Does it get better? Did anyone else out there manage to turn things around? Feeling very very desperate today.

What are the twins like? Does your husband do his fair share? It must be hard for you

Try if possible to discuss weathering the storm if there isn’t anything fundamentally unhealthy about your relationship. These days are so hard but they do ease up.

We had a much wanted single child, she was hard work as a baby, didn't sleep, screamed all the time, sick a lot. I was recovering from a difficult birth. It was touch and go with our relationship, it didn't help that I did all the childcare and DH worked. I'd change that if I could even if I only worked very part time.

It is possible to salvage your relationship, you both have to be willing to work at it. Also expect that with two small children it may not look the same as it didn't before and it's ok to accept that.

This the worst time to make a decision about your relationship. 13mts + twins = exhaustion. Nobody thrives. Nobody. Except the babies hopefully.

So wait. Ask dh to go into a holding pattern. You will find yourself again as will he. But both of you need to put yourselves aside for a wee bit. Very very hard.

Been there but survived ONLY because we put off/delayed a big decision to separate!

Good luck

By the way 12 years latter we are both happy with our relationship and did have another child to, just a bigger age gap then I had initially planned. Good luck.

Do you have Homestart in your area? When my twin boys were very young toddlers, my HV recommended me to apply for a Homestart volunteer to come and visit once a week. I wish I'd done it sooner, my volunteer was lovely and helped me to get out and about to toddler groups etc or would come over with toys for the boys to play with while I could get on with other stuff. Doesn't sound like much but it made a huge difference at the time.

It's totally normal your marriage is suffering. Does your husband support you enough.
I also recommend not making any decisions about your relationship (like breaking up). Ride the storm things will slowly get easier.
Can you get a babysitter and have a date night?

Unless you are in a really shitty relationship then things do usually get much better.

My dd didn't sleep until she was 4.5 and it put a huge strain on my marriage. My husband worked shifts and was exhausted too. Therapy can help. You should try set 5/10 mins aside a day just for each other and gradually build on that.

It can be so tough when you're exhausted that everything is just shit but it will get better.

Twins are extremely tough OP. My DP and I had twins only 2 years into our previously very romantic and loving relationship. It's nearly destroyed us many times, I looked into divorce only 6 months after we married and relationship counselling also.

Now my twins are almost 4 and I can say our relationship is a million times better than it was when they were 13m. As they become more independent and sleep improves you begin to feel a bit more like yourself. Plus childcare is amazing for giving you some space to breathe.

I remeber people always saying to me that I needed to make time for our relationship when the babies arrive, but frankly that's almost impossible with twins. You are giving everything you have to 2 little demanding people who need you so much.

It does get easier, I would give Relate a try and see how you get on in the meantime. Now isn't the time for major decisions.

We've came out the other side now, our eldest was 2 when the Twins were born. All very much wanted IVF babies.

It's a case of survival for the early years. I left for a month and took the kids with me when they were 18 months old, things had got pretty bad.

I went back to work part time, even though financially we were no better off, as we got a Nanny.

That saved my sanity.

Our relationship was overstretched, exhausted and nit picking.

I'd love to say it gets easier overnight, but it doesn't. It takes time.

I realised the other day I have fallen completely back in love with DH. He's not perfect, but I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.

The twins are 6 now, and it can still be difficult at times, but we seemed to have weathered the storm.

Young babies put a huge strain on relationships.. lots of people have been there and come out the other side.
When they start sleeping and amusing themselves more you get a bit of the old you back, you find a babysitter and you reconnect.
It’s exhausting. Go to relate, be kind to each other and try to find a way though it

Agree, don’t make any decision now. You just need to survive. We have IVF twins who will be 3 later this year. At some point last year my husband asked me if I wanted him to move out. The children both overly and very obviously preferred me, I had no time for my husband. My DD was a terrible sleeper but would not accept him seeing her in the night. He felt useless. It was really hard.

In the last couple of months we they have genuinely got easier to deal, there’s no longer such an obvious preference for me which both my husband and I are so glad about. They sleep better, go to bed better.

Is our relationship like it was before no and probably won’t but it’s a new type of normal I think which we both seem happy about.

Op I have twins they will be 3 in December, and tbh our relationship went down the pan/ became non existent for long regular stints and has only started picking up recently. And it is improving fast. A bomb has gone off, been there, and I'd like to echo a pp that unless there is abusive behaviour don't make any relationship decisions until they are about 2.5 years old ! Hugs op xx

I've been there, it's incredibly hard and to be honest it was really hard until they were at least 3 or 4. I wish I could go back and do things differently.

Just adding to the chorus - twins has been brutal on our marriage. They’re 3 next week, both disabled, my health is in tatters ever since they were born and honestly when they’re in bed / the rare times they’re asleep I just want to sit in silence and be left alone. Totally lost my sex drive which doesn’t help. It’s definitely better than it was in the first couple of years. It’s a massive shock to the system and it’s hard for others to understand just how difficult it is. We have no family around so we are completely on our own.

We’ve managed a couple of nights out / days out since they started nursery and that’s made a huge difference to our relationship.

Can you say what the problems are? I had twins as well as a toddler and it was very hard. I had help with the children which was life-saving for me. I’d say we got through it by sheer gritted teeth at times.
It got better for us, in fact I’d say I would change it for anything. However the IVF thing is interesting, I think that’s a very arduous thing to go through in addition to a twin pregnancy.
I hope you can find a way through for all of you.

Wouldn’t change it - gah.

Twins the same age as yours and a sometimes-jealous 4yo... it is so hard. So hard. I dread Sundays and I don't like myself for that.

villainous commiserations, it’s relentless. I look back at that time with wonder. It gets better. 💐

@Heartofglass12345 they are lovely. Really chilled, happy babies. They don’t sleep very well though. They usually have me up anywhere between three (on a good night) and nine (on a bad night) times a night. I don’t feel he does his fair share, so that’s not helping how I feel.

@MiGril DH is working but I’m a SAHM atm. I definitely agree that it makes things uneven and difficult!

@bellabelly No Homestart where I am I’ve looked into it, but they told me there’s nothing in my area. My parents have them one afternoon a week though. It’s usually spent with me trying to do the 1000 things that need doing in the house and getting really stressed!

@SittingAround1 To be honest I don’t even want to go on a date night! So what does that say about my state of mind? I honestly feel atm that we would just argue. We are communicating that badly. I’ve not left them on an evening yet either. The thought makes me really anxious.

@Badwifey 4.5? Oh God. Poor poor you. The thought fills me with terror. I actually think I’ll die if I have to live like this for another 3.5 years. The exhaustion is unreal isn’t it? I sometimes feel like my whole body is shutting down!

@itchyfinger Oh God. I honestly want to punch the (well meaning) friends who tell me to make time for my relationship! Like where? In the 20 minutes they nap twice a day or in the time after they are in bed before they wake up again and I’m practically asleep on my feet? I’m so glad you get it. Thank you

@1984isHappeningNow I’m glad you got through it. Your story gives me hope😊

@SnappedandFartedagain What would you do differently?

Thanks for all the replies btw. Cooking tea so hard to answer everyone

It does get better. I almost walked out numerous times when my twins were little, it’s relentless and leaves no time for anything else.

Looking back I was very stressed and, as a result, we did not communicate well. It was no-ones fault, just a pressure cooker situation. I’m so glad we’re still together, marriage is great now.

Try to stick in there. Do you have help? Can you get a babysitter once a month and go out together as a couple?

Our twins are now 6 (and have an 8 year old sibling). Life is fun again.

It’s hard keeping a marriage going when you have babies, it does get easier, I agree with another poster, it’s about survival atm. Just get through each day, and be kind to each other.

We went through real problems at that age, the only reason I stuck out my marriage really was because we lived overseas so leaving him meant running home to mum and dad (aka embarrassing). Things did improve dramatically though recently we have split 19 years later

No real advice to offer except to put them in their own room, if not already, shut the door and put earplugs in at night. Lack of sleep is such a killer.

There are 17 months between our two. Absolutely not the same as having twins of course but manic. Youngest autistic- slept 2 hours on, 2 hours off til she was 5/6. She was diagnosed at 3. Also IVF.

DH and I went from being one of those maddeningly sweet couples (had never had an argument til first was born) to war torn. Lack of sleep is brutal. I had PND though - diagnosed 6 months after 2nd born.

what helped us was nursery (3 mornings a week) when they were old enough, one lay in per adult each weekend and DH covering a full night once a week.

What helped me was antidepressants, lowering every standard I had, and enrolling in an evening course with a babysitter coming round - which felt kamikaze at the time as I was mad with tiredness but gave me a sense of self again.

What helped also was acknowledging I was struggling and DH listening.

I can't really remember the baby years which makes me sad. But we did survive.

I don't know if this helps but you are not alone.