Marriage ruined by my twins. Does it get any better?

[nuckyscarnation]

We have 13 month old b/g twins. They are ivf babies so took a lot of time (and all my savings!) to conceive.

I love them more than life itself. They are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I couldn’t imagine life without them. However my marriage is in absolute tatters and I don’t know how to salvage it. We’re due to start at Relate but I’m honestly not sure it will be enough. I’m just so worn out all the time and I feel like I have nothing spare to give to my DH😪

I’m just so sad that I have my dream but at the expense of my relationship. Does it get better? Did anyone else out there manage to turn things around? Feeling very very desperate today.

@nuckyscarnation sorry things have not improved.
I suspect your relationship would have still had problems with just one dc as your dh didn't seem particularly involved.
Take care of yourself and the babies.

Twins test the strongest of marriages!

Mine are now 8 and bring me coffee in the morning... it does get better. For me, address 2-3 were the hardest. We laughed more than ever but they also pushed me to the limit. Once they were at school I finally felt I could breathe but also felt incredibly guilty for saying that.

The answer, completely honesty and understanding how the other feels. Accepting it's hard and not getting into top trumps games of who is doing what. One week / day you can feel like you've got it sorted then the next you need your dh to do more than his share.

What are most of your arguments about? Try to find the triggers and look for ways to relieve those pressures. Good luck op xx

Sorry op, just seen your update. Some time apart may help or you may end up starting apart but either way, life with twins is challenging but it does get easier (30 hours a week childcare will help at 3). Wishing you lots of happiness whatever the future brings.

@Guineapigbridge Yes stopping my toddlers breastfeeding will definitely stop my DH sitting on the PS4 until 2am/not helping in the house/never cooking/lying in bed like a lazy arse everyday

I don’t WANT to stop breastfeeding my children. How much clearer can I be? Breastfeeding into toddlerhood actually has many benefits if you care to look them up. I also have no intention of sleep training and never have.

If saving my marriage meant compromising my core beliefs on how I want to raise my children (to appease a man who leaves 90% of the parenting to me) then that’s a marriage I can do without quite frankly.

Thank you @m0therofdragons

Our arguments from his side? That I’ve controlled him for years. That I need to stop taking arguments I have with other people out on him. That I need to “calm down” That I’m emotionally abusive because I say things I don’t mean when we argue. Obviously the things he says to me during arguments aren’t emotionally abusive though...

Oh well carry on then.

One of my 'core beliefs' about parenting is that being up at night when you don't need to be is mental. It doesn't help anyone and seems to be contributing to your marriage breaking down. Is one of your 'core beliefs' that children are better off when their parents are still together?

@Guineapigbridge Actually one of my ‘core beliefs’ is that children aren’t always better off if their parents are together.

Do I think my children would be better off with DH and I being together with his present behaviour? No. I don’t think it does my children any favours to see their mother permanently stressed out and on edge because their dad doesn’t pull his weight in the relationship

My DH doesn’t get up in the night with the babies anyway so HOW does it make any different from his perspective? They usually only wake once a night now anyway unless ill and have started sleeping through sometimes. I am perfectly happy to see to them at night. I’m there mother and parenting is a 24/7 job. I often wonder what it is about that belief that offends people
Like yourself?

Their mother...

Not offended. Just perplexed about what you stand to gain from this 24/7 delusion? Does it make you feel wanted? Do you win from feeling like the victim?
It's not a 24/7 job at all. They go to bed, you help them to learn to stay in bed. Motherhood is learning to separate. It's a process of separation. It's dysfunctional not to allow them to do so.

@noneedtoberudedear

Sorry to hear how things are going.

Twins have shredded my marriage if I'm honest. We already had a four year old (many years of ivf) and tried for
Sibling via ivf and ended up with our twins. I was in intensive care after their birth and in hospital for months and had to have a follow up emergency operation with a second stay in intensive care.

My health is now awful and I am struggling with PND too after a traumatic birth and horrendous nightmare hospital stay.

DH and I got through that time and DT are 12 months now but by god some days I just want to crawl into my bed and be left alone by everyone.

I feel guilt over everything and my house is a tip! I'm avoiding social situations as my hair fell out after being so ill and I just look like shit.

DH I felt wasn't there for me as I would have imagined he would be during the hospital days and he seemed pissed off at points that I was so ill.

I was in a coma on life support and when I came out of hospital after having physio to be able to even walk again, he sometimes made me feel like a lazy cow if I didn't get stuck in with feeds.

I needed help to get out of bed safely and a nurse was coming Daily to redress my wound from an additional operation ( so I now have a huge midline scar as well as c section) and at times (out of tiredness) he would be quite uncaring.

Not sure what I'm hoping to get out of posting, but we're trying to get through it and hope one day to get back to normality. I think sometimes after you've started to nitpick at each other it can be a hard habit to break.

This thread is so frustrating.

A lot of posters have given some really good advice. Seriously, some very sound advice. A lot of the advice from experience.

Albeit a few posters, no one is suggesting that OP should stop breastfeeding but to alter the way in which you breastfeed.

I’m definitely going to take some of the advice onboard! So thank you.

To be frank, I’d be surprised (with that attitude) if your marriage lasts much longer. Being a single parent with twins is much harder.

@sundayfishfinger really sorry to hear how ill you have been, and that your DH hasn't stepped up to help you. I hope things are improving now

I do empathise, I had a horrendous birth with my DTs and also spent some time in intensive care. But yes, same as you, as soon as I was out of hospital (after three emergency operations and pretty much unable to move without crawling) I was expected to do more than my share of feeding, changing etc. Same as many people on here, it seems that their DP/H doesn't fully understand how much life will change with a baby (or babies, in this case!) and fails to step up

I remember once when the DTs were very small, we got a takeaway and I asked DP to start feeding one whilst I fed the other, then when they were both done we could eat together. He said in astonishment "but then I won't get to eat my dinner whilst it's hot!" He was at the idea of eating a cold meal, whilst I was at the idea of eating it whilst it was anywhere near warm or even eating an actual meal at that point

You are definitely right about the nitpicking, don't think DP says anything to me nowadays without moaning

@RubySlippers77

I think our husband's went to the same charm school! That is exactly something that he would do. It really does not occur to him to ever not be the first to eat a meal. Or have a soak in the bath or anything else he fancies.

It is getting a little better but I know things will never be how they used to ever again.

@sundayfishfinger

Does your DH think nothing of dozing off in a chair for hours leaving you to look after the DC, but you'd never be allowed to do the same? Does he refuse to take turns with lie ins/ night feeds on the grounds that he is 'more tired'? Does he regularly bugger off for nights out whilst expressing amazement and incredulity when you say you'd like to perhaps leave the DC with him for an hour and meet a friend for a child-free coffee?!

If the answer is yes to all of these then I would say he definitely has the same ideas of parenthood and responsibility as my 'D'P

@RubySlippers77 yes!

And don't get me started on the "but I go to WORK" comments, as if looking after twins plus doing school runs for five year old and running of the house is like a holiday or something.

I'm back at work soon but then it will probably just turn into "but I work FULL TIME". So I can never win!

@sundayfishfinger my DP disappeared upstairs for an hour on Sunday to play on his iPad. We'd taken the DTs out to the park for a few hours, everyone was tired... but somehow he gets to relax whilst I still have to look after DC and cook the dinner?!

Ah yes, I think you'll find that looking after small DC and sorting out everything to do with the house is an absolute picnic. I'd go so far as to say a holiday! Until of course he is asked to do it, at which point it becomes UNREASONABLE and VERY HARD WORK...

I know my DP would have the same attitude about work I'm desperate to go back - was made redundant on maternity leave and couldn't afford childcare to return! - but realistically need something flexible as DP works full time and often quite a distance from home, so I'll be doing all the school runs. But like you that will be forgotten and all he'll point out is that I don't do as many hours of actual paid work as he does...!

@RubySlippers77

My husband works shifts, so he will need to have the DC whilst I'm working so to be honest I'm not sure how this will work out!

I work from home in our office upstairs and am regularly on the phone and am just praying that it won't be screaming and crying coming from downstairs, as it just won't work if that's the case.

I'm dreading going back, but I think it will be good for him to truly understand how hard it is to be in charge of all of the DC - especially with the twins element.

I do think it will be good for him @sundayfishfinger but as you say, it will be difficult if you are only upstairs. My DP would definitely tell the DC it was ok to go and disturb Mummy if they needed anything!! He would also think nothing of (for example) popping out to the shop for 10 minutes and assuming I'd look after them rather than him having the hassle of taking them. He gets really snappy if I point out that people on their own don't have that option...

Are there any local playgroups he could take them to to get out of the house and leave you in peace?! Trips to the park etc? Swimming is tricky with only one parent but again, DP would suggest it to me and assume I'd cope

Has your husband given you any indication of if or why he is struggling?
Mine felt useless when I was breastfeeding and then he was terrified of hurting the twins because they were so little. This was causing him to be snappy and I really wasn't very tolerant either because I had given birth, was being milked like a cow etc. Basically I was also unbearable, though I didn't mean to be!

Eventually we had an absolute blazing row over something ridiculous like lumpy gravy and it just all came out. From there we at least started being kinder to each other. Relationship wise things are not back to normal because we are shattered but we get through each day by reminding each other we just need to be good friends to one another and hopefully everything will come back.

@Anniemousely I think mine is just lazy

Lots of resentment between us too. From when my DTs were tiny he refused to do his share of night feeds, nappy changes, general care etc because he worked and I didn't (looking after baby twins being incredibly easy, of course!). Wouldn't let me have so much as a lie in for months. Even now if I ask him to help - or even let me have a coffee with friends whilst he has the DTs for a couple of hours - he will moan and groan and have a FACE on

He desperately wanted DC and told me he was going to be an incredible, hands on dad. Nope...

@noneedtoberudedear I’m sorry that things seem to have gone south with your DH. Are you still living separately? I can’t imagine how you’re coping with your kids alone under the current circumstances (before anyone leaps on me, yes I know there are lots of single mothers, I don’t know how any of them manage!!!). I hope now your twins are a bit older you are finding some things easier.

When I had my DD (not even twins! Expecting some currently though) I remember going through some incredibly rough patches with DH. He seemed to have infinitely more freedom and free time than me and spent a lot of time on the internet or playing video games in the evenings. Basically he was bored - he didn’t want to go out because that would seem unsupportive, but I think he had absolutely no clue how to help me so just kind of hung around like a giant teenager......! Honestly I think I threatened divorce 20 times by the time DD was 18 months.

Are you considering trying to patch things up, or is this relationship definitely done with? When my DD was your twins age, he used to take her out for a couple of hours on each weekend day. It was an absolute godsend. It gave them a chance to bond as she’d just ignore him if I was an option. It gave me some time to myself. It made everything easier and less fraught. Is there any chance your DH would be able to do something like that? It’s tough to start with, because you worry your DC will suffer because your DH won’t know what to do. But if you start small and build up it’s good for everyone.

Do whatever you like with breastfeeding. I fed my DD till she was nearly 2.5 because that’s what worked for us. Obviously towards the end it was just morning/bedtime feed for quite some time. I never made a huge fuss about nightweaning, her sleep improved as she got older and she was happy with other forms of comfort (we coslept till she was 2.5, but she stopped feeding at night before that because she’d be happy with a sleepy cuddle or a pat instead, which didn’t really require me to wake up).

I hope you’re not still finding nights too tough. It does get better. If you want to make changes to try and improve it faster, lots of people have suggestions on that, if you want to keep things as they are that’s fine too - it’ll still get better.

Reading this thread has reminded me how tough those days were. Suddenly a bit terrified about how I’ll be feeling once DTwins turn up! Hopefully my DH knows more about how to be helpful this time round!!!

If you're still reading this @noneedtoberudedear - I hope things are amicable between you and your DH (in whatever way they can be!) and that he's being a bit more helpful with your DTs!

Congratulations @crazychemist on your pregnancy - do give Twins Trust a call if there's anything they can help with - definitely worth joining too (about £3 per month). Might be able to give your DH some tips on being helpful too

My DP still expects far more freedom than me and I wish we'd had the conversation right at the beginning about splitting things equally; now I can't even be bothered to start as he will moan and moan and moan about how he's too tired, needs more time off etc. I think some men are great with other people's kids and really like the idea of having their own, but can't cope with the actual 24/7 nature of parenthood...

I think sleep deprivation is absolute torture and is probably making your whole situation a million times worse. It is difficult to look more clearly at things and not feel so alone in the world when you are so deprived of sleep, so first things first I would strongly encourage you to make that a priority and read up as much as possible on sleep training- it is as important for your children and you that you all get sufficient sleep. They will be much happier getting rested. It is possible- I did mine at 6.5 months and since then (bar teething and illness) they sleep 11-12 hours a night, and now they are 2, they have 1.5-2 hour nap each day.
The sleep sense program was good for us but read around and see what works for you. Follow the same (boring) bedtime routine- with twins everything takes longer so allow plenty of time and when ready for sleep, close the door saying one phrase like time for bed or whatever. Then leave and wait 8 mins. If crying go in and repeat your phrase, stroke them, give kisses etc for a minute then leave and say same phrase and repeat. It honestly didnt take too long for us- maybe 3 days, and they just get used to self soothing which is your aim. You can do it! And you are helping them and you. Also no need to feed at night- at this age they get their food during the day. So only offer water. You need this for your sanity- you deserve decent nights sleep! Even with mine sleeping i am still knackered! So give yourself a decent chance at survival be sleep training. Plus your twins deserve decent sleep too. Good luck! X

You poor poor thing. My brother has twins and although he is very private about his relationship you could see the strain...but they weathered that storm and now really happy. It must have been so so hard though but if you can make it to the other side it will get better xx