Marriage ruined by my twins. Does it get any better?

[nuckyscarnation]

We have 13 month old b/g twins. They are ivf babies so took a lot of time (and all my savings!) to conceive.

I love them more than life itself. They are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I couldn’t imagine life without them. However my marriage is in absolute tatters and I don’t know how to salvage it. We’re due to start at Relate but I’m honestly not sure it will be enough. I’m just so worn out all the time and I feel like I have nothing spare to give to my DH😪

I’m just so sad that I have my dream but at the expense of my relationship. Does it get better? Did anyone else out there manage to turn things around? Feeling very very desperate today.

Are there any twins groups that you could join?
I guarantee there will be parents there that have been where you are now.

They are at an exhausting age!! DH needs to help more and you probably both need to lower your expectations of household standards and your "relationship".

Hang on in there, it really does get better!

Can you start putting away childcare vouchers/payments via DH work so they can go to part time childcare in the not so distant future?

Sometimes it's worth working part time just to have a break from the relentlessness.

I’m looking in from the angle of seeing my best friend struggle hugely with her marriage since having twins.

They’re 5 and one is severely brain damaged, her twin is fine and is at mainstream school. They also have another dc who is severely autistic and I don’t know how they cope, their marriage is in absolute tatters due to the stress and has been since the pregnancy ( high risk due to age and very prem ) but they soldier on each day.

My friend often says having the twins has killed her marriage. Her DH sleeps downstairs on the sofa and she works PT just for a break from the dc.

My dbro and his exw have twins and their relationship didn’t survive but that was nothing to do with the twins.

If it’s worth fighting for then give it your best shot. I remember reading years ago when ds was a baby that the first year of parenting is the hardest.

Sending you hugs - it will get better 🦄

Sorry to hear so many of you have had similar issues Although it does help to know that I’m not alone. I feel such a failure sometimes. All my single mum friends are working/going on holidays/nights out/away without the baby/date nights and I’m over here just about managing to get dressed every day!

@PlonkyPlink I am so stressed all the time. It’s awful isn’t it? I had bad anxiety anyway and having the twins has made it worse. Years of infertility, a nightmare pregnancy and five weeks in NICU has seen to that!

My parents take them an afternoon every week. Unfortunately DH family live hours away so can’t be much help day to day.

@Herocomplex I suppose I just don’t feel supported as well as I would like. DH works a lot of nights and subsequently spends the day sleeping, so I’m on my own. Nights are all on my because they’re breastfed (still wake to feed at night) I’m just drained all the time. I try and go out every day, see friends, do stuff with the babies etc, but actual me time is so hard to get. I’ve just started a volunteer training course on Monday afternoons so that is something. I supposed I didn’t think it would all be quite so on my shoulders if that makes sense? Everything is my decision. DH can’t do anything without asking me. He wouldn’t even move them from high chairs to living room for example without asking me. I prepare all their meals, sort their clothes everything. I also worry constantly about them being happy. I was a very unhappy older child/teenager and the thought of my babies ever suffering like that terrifies me, I’m constantly reading books on how to be a better parent etc. and I get frustrated at DHs lack of interest.

There is a twin group not that far from me but it clashes with my current course. I need to try and go.

Unfortunately we couldn’t afford to put money aside for child care vouchers. DH only earns minimum wage so we have very little money as it is.

He’s not all bad. He’s downstairs washing up as I’m typing but I just feel the majority of tasks fall to me and I feel so overwhelmed. I hate the fact we aren’t kind to each other anymore. I can’t even raise an objection these days without being shouted down and it didn’t used to be like this

@Zoflorabore that’s so sad about your friend

They are 13 months now, how do you feel about massively cutting back on breast feeding? They don't need to feed during the night so it's worth going through the hard work of them not needing bf for comfort during the night.

Could DH take time off work so you can work on improving their sleep habits?

OP this post made me feel so much better.

We have DD 4.5 and 18mo DTs. I love them so much and although I find the slog of endless endless housework exhausting, I actually find the practicalities okay mostly.

But my MH took a real beating during the pregnancy and I had a tough time after the birth MH wise. A big part of that was feeling DH let me down massively during the birth. My MH is better now but the resentment remains and bubbles over sometimes. Today I was bloody furious with him for loading the dishwasher whilst I was trying to get all 3 out the door for their 9am swim lesson. I just kept asking him to help but he insists on doing random non urgent housework instead. I cried actual tears of rage as I drove them to the pool!

Reading that back makes me sound like a nutter I can only put it down to stress and exhaustion.

I only had one, very attached bad sleeper. Couldn’t bring myself to wean off bf at 12 months but did it at 14 and it was like a light came back on. Not everyone has that kind of reaction but i’d say if you’re at the point of thinking ‘something needs to change’ that might be a good place to start. It’s such a lot for your body to be doing and I didn’t realise how tired it was making me. And DS slept sooooo much better once I stopped. He also adapted incredibly quickly.

The first year is survival, I agree, then hard but gradually easier until they are 3. At this point they become more independent, you can get rid of the huge buggy... and you see all your friends struggling with a 3yo and a newborn. From then on I would say them being twins makes thing easier!! School, homework, days out, meals... they are at the same stage so you don’t have to compromise as you would with different aged children.

I stopped bf at night at about 13mo and at 14mo stopped bf altogether. I moved out of the bedroom and DH took over night wakings with DD (prior to that she was taking an hour to bf to sleep and cothrashing coscrambling bf every 2-3 hours.) It was v v hard initially with hours of screaming, often to the point of vomiting, but after a couple of weeks it improved. Now at 15mo both DTs wake once or twice for a bottle yes I know teeth aaargh but it's much better and has been empowering for DH eventually, as before this he was just persona non grata with DD.

The first year (ish) is so hard on a marriage but I agree with @Harriedharriet. If possible you need to reach an understanding with your DH and convey to each other that, whilst you fundamentally still love each other, just for the moment you both need to hang on in there until they get a little bit older and you can start to get yourself back. Then you will have more time for him, won’t be so tired and the inevitable resentment and one-upmanship on the tiredness factor will have faded away into the past.

I remember feeling like I wanted to leave my DH most days for about a year after we had our first DS due to all the reasons you have described. I am pleased to report that we thankfully came to the understanding that this was a blip to be ridden out and have just celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary at a local restaurant with our 4DC!

Agree with the PP who said find a twin parents group. The twin mums I've met have been a lifeline and totally get it.

If you can face it, I would try to cut down or stop breastfeeding. It will help with you feeling touched out and consumed by the babies.

It is bloody hard. My twins are 8 now, but the first couple of years were incredibly hard (I barely remember the first!). DH was amazing with sharing the load but it still impacted us heavily. To be honest, we didn't concentrate enough on us following this tough period, and we very easily could have seperated because of this. I remember us snapping and saying the most awful things to each other during the night in the first year (I remember genuinely wanting to kill him) as we were on our knees with utter exhaustion with two babies that would just not bloody sleep. We agreed that whatever we said we did not mean, and that helped. We would laugh about it the next day .

It does get better, I promise. I agree with the other posters who have said just agree together that this is a crap time, you will both need to hang in there and begin to concentrate on yourselves more as a couple when this fog has lifted.

@RandomMess @Sneezewitch @villainousbroodmare I don’t have any wish to stop breastfeeding. I fully intend to wait until they wean themselves. There’s no way DH could cope with a scenario for night weaning like you describe, even if it was something I was willing to do! I could cope with being disturbed at night far better if I felt more supported in the day.

@malteserdiet I’m glad you managed to get through it. Were you still sure you loved DH while in the thick of it though? I’m honestly not so sure.

Actually he’s just told me I’m totally different now I have the babies. I don’t care about him anymore and everyone hates him because I always badmouth him. My DD is now wide awake and I’m having to deal with it despite being dog tired while he sits downstairs drinking beer listening to music.

Hi, We have twins and we had a horrible time for the first year or so. We were so exhausted and ratty. The way we behaved would have brought armies or MNers out to say LTB to both of us. I just want to say really loudly: there's probably nothing wrong with your marriage. You are both knackered. That doesn't mean your marriage is rubbish. It means you are both knackered. And no one is at their best when knackered. A marriage is in tatters if there are no external stresses and you can't connect.

Having said that, you do need to learn how to have more fun. DH and i got to breaking point and sorted out a plan we stuck to that really helped. We chunked the weekend into blocks of four hours, starting on Friday night and going through to Sunday evening. Assuming eight hours of night time (even if you get no sleep) that's nine chunks of time during the weekend.

We'd each get a chunk to do what we liked with. That meant we could each go out one night with our mates for four hours. Or we could go shopping in town without twins in tow, or we could use it to lie in and catch up on sleep, in which case the rule was that the other one made sure the babies were out of the way and didn't get to shout for us (or got taken out of the house. We'd agree who had what when and then make sure nothing got in the way of that time.

Then we'd have a chunk of time together as a couple. We'd book a sitter and go out. But never to dinner, because at dinner, we just stared glaze eyed and talked about the babies or nothing. On our night out we had to do something that was an experience we could connect over - so a gig of a band we loved, or a film, show or comedy night. Something we could discuss which wasn't DC and which reminded us of what we had in common.

Then we;d have two chunks of time together as a family. That would either be two half days or a whole day out. We'd use those to have fun together. We went to steam fairs and food markets, petting farms and beaches etc or to visit relatives.

That left two chunks of time to get stuff done: laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking, catching up on admin etc as well as eating and showering and messing about reading the papers or watching TV. We'd also use this time to have one on one time with each twin - so one of us would take one of them to the supermarket while the other one would do some gardening with the baby 'helping'.

It really made a difference to us.It was simple to stick to. We both got a break for half a day or a full evening to do what we wanted, no questions, we got time as a couple and fun as a family and time to cover chores.

I think - never judge a marriage until the youngest child has been in nursery for six months. You need a chance to get your energy back.

Sounds like your DH has told you how he feels. You have chosen to keep breastfeeding even though its not necessary. You haven't sorted out there sleeping at night and don't seem interested in trying but your complaining that he doesn't do enough. Sounds like it wouldn't matter what he does. Your parents take your DC for an afternoon and your DH works nights and your complaining he cant make a decision about the DC. I wonder if you make him feel incompetent? Given he has to work and your SAHM I am not sure what your expectations are. You don't want to leave your DC at night to go out with your DH and your not interested in trying to cut out breastfeeding at night which is no longer necessary at there age...so I think he is right...you have changed and are not interested in your marriage anymore.

If you are breastfeeding there are limits to how much he can help you. Seriously, stop breastfeeding. Sleep train them. Stop being a martyr.

You are no good to your kids if you are exhausted and it would be better for your kids if you and their dad are together. Start looking after yourself properly.

I’m just so sad that I have my dream but at the expense of my relationship

This is a hugely common story that we see time and time again on here. That’s why it’s crazy to me that some people have children in an attempt to ‘save’ a relationship. Children put a huge strain on a couple and it’d be unrealistic to suggest everyone makes it through. I guess it depends on yours and DH determination to make it work.

Wow just wow. So all my problems are my own creation because I dare to breastfeed my babies past the age of one? I don’t want to stop breastfeeding. I love breastfeeding. I am happy to be giving my l children the very many benefits of my breastmilk and offering them the comfort it gives them.
Will be stopping breastfeeding make my husband not have to be begged to play with his children? Will it make him wake up first in the morning sometimes to give them their breakfast? Will it make him start preparing their meals? Taking them out places on his own?
Only on MN could I be accused of creating my own problems and hurting my poor DHs feelings by daring to keep breastfeeding my babies.

Fuck me:

Sleep training doesn't involve letting them cry or scream. I just used pick up put down but it does involve commitment and support and possibly help for at least a week.

Do you feed them to sleep because if you do that's probably your biggest "issue"... it means they are reliant on you for comfort and to sleep and you are exhausted.

What if they never self wean until 3/4? You are blocking your DH being more involved and hands on.

Oh and @aweedropofsancerre thanks for that utterly damming assessment. You’ve made me feel so much better. I sincerely hope when you post for help someone comes along to make you feel just as bad

You can carry on bf I'm taking about stopping it being a sleep prop/association (if it is).

Have you written a list of the things you would like DH to do and when, literally a timetable? It is certainly worth going through this at marriage counselling.

It seems there is a deep divide between you - loving being a Mum and him excluded from that bubble (whether through choice/sulking/feeling sorry for himself).

Do you feel the basic issue is that he hasn't stepped up to parent? That he sees it all as your job and is now whining you don't have time for him?

@RandomMess my DH wouldn’t help me sleep train even if I wanted too. I’ve just tried not feeding my DD back to sleep and he practically shouted at me to feed her before she wakes DS up.

I don’t have the support to do these things. I am doing the best I can with the resources I have. In fact I’m going to bow out of this thread because it’s just made me feel even worse. I was already feeling like a failure as a wife and mother and I’m so glad everyone here has been happy to confirm it!