Unexpected twins. How do I support my wife best in the early days?

[davidpfitz]

First post here ... I hope I’m not breaking any rules by being a potential dad on mumsnet.

This all happened a couple of days ago.

My wife and I are in our very late thirties, and both very career minded people. So it was sort of “now or never”, so we planned together to have a child soon. So thought it took a little while, soon a pregnancy test showed two lines and we were both super happy.

She, more than me, is the nervous type about medical / bodily stuff. For completely other reason, I am very familiar with the inside of hospitals so tend to be more blasé about being content to wait and see how things pan out. She was keen for an early scan, so we of course got that booked in at the earliest opportunity - 7 weeks.

We went in just hoping to see something, know a heartbeat was there and generally just hope the whole positive test thing was actually real!

We really were not at all prepared whatsoever for what happened next. Words we really didn’t expect ... hand’t crossed our mind ... “it looks like there are two little ones in there”. Wow.

We were shell shocked, of course. My poor mother in law (who was waiting outside) must have thought there was really bad news when she saw our faces. We just didn’t know what to think.

So anyway, we are slowly getting our heads around the idea. She always only ever wanted one baby, so the concept of getting it all over and done in one go isn’t much of a consolation to her!!

Anyway ... I am rambling. My questions boils down to this: she is doing great, but I know she is terrified. Really terrified. She’s tiny ... about 155cm and 48kg. She’s massively worried just by the sheer physics of it. There’s a reasonable chance the twins are monoamniotic (they’re definitely monochorionic) which is also freaking her out. Her career has just started to take off in a big way in the last year, and she’s worried that this is the end. I’ve been reassuring her that it’s not, and all our family will pull together.

I’m concerned that besides the career and the physics bit there must be more worry underneath that she’s not telling me. I know I have worries I am not telling her because I don’t want to burden her - she has enough!

What things should I be aware of that she might be really worrying about?

I’ve been like Neo from The Matrix when they plug him in and download things into his brain ... I’ve been reading anything and everything. Terms I didn’t know existed are now talking points over dinner! You know when you are in the market for a new washing machine, you get intimately familiar in no time with how many RPMs you need, how many KG a machine should hold etc,. ... it’s like that on steroids.

Anyway, this has been pretty long-winded and it’s still very early days so this could all change super-quick. And if it does I suppose I’ll have a whole other kettle of fish to deal with.

Thanks for reading.
David.

Hi David

My twins are 10w old so I don't really have the right to give advice yet, just fleeting impressions from the coalface!!

Birth was fine for me. I was induces but it was very fast and didn't hurt much. Vaginal for both. DW should.do what she wants but it is doable.

Bfing tough but getting there! If she wants to pump rent a Medela Symphony - it is the best.

Day to day is okay. I just accept I have one pair of hands and sometimes, one will have to cry a bit whilst I change or feed the other. It will not hurt them as long as I don't let it go on too long.

Mountain Buggy Duet = light, slim, easy to fold = lifesaver. I routinely pop DTs in car, drive to shopping centre and mooch/ get a coffee. MB lives in boot of car and I just unload and stick DTs in at shopping centre car park. Head for MnS and eat cake in cafe whilst old ladies coo over them

Life is busy but lovely and honestly you'll cope.

Congrats David! Mine are 3 months old, and whilst they’re exhausting, they’re amazing, and i couldn’t imagine my life without them.

My 2 pence worth would be:

Pillows. Many, many pillows, your wife will defo need them in pregnancy. V pillows, regular pillow, pregnancy pillows, I had all of them in my bed, and they helped to support my bump so I could get comfy and sleep.

Pack your hospital bag earlier than recommended, all being well you won’t need it, but it’s good to know in the back of your mind that it’s done. I had mine packed but not completely finished with everything I wanted, and I went in to hospital because I got pre eclampsia and came out with my babies so I never did get to finish packing it! Cue desperate texts to my poor husband asking for x y and z.

If you haven’t got a family car already, buy one ASAP whilst your wife can still test drive cars. Again, I didn’t do this and bought the first one I saw when the babies were 2 weeks old!

If you/your wife have to read about birth stories, I’d suggest searching for the positive ones! I started reading about ones where things went badly, and found I couldn’t handle it, so googled positive stories only which massively helped. My babies were born by c section, and it was literally the best experience of my life, and I am a complete wimp.

If you haven’t already, get amazon prime. It’s been worth it’s weight in gold!

It’s fab you can take two months off, my husband was back at work after a week. I feel the only way I’ve survived has been by routine - one up, both up, feed at the same time etc.

I wish you both all the best, and a smooth and easy pregnancy!

Hi David. I'd take it one step at a time so it doesn't get overwhelming. The first step is to nourish those babies really well. Lots of egg, I believe, but I'm sure twin/ multiple books have loads of ideas! Try to encourage your wife that she is beautiful and sexy, the weight gain is not important, but actually very necessary. Also reduce stress, cut out some of the busyness of life and get used to relaxing. That's good for the babies. A holiday sounds like a great start! Later on you can worry about names, buggies, breast/ formula etc. but for now enjoy nurturing these two little people.

Congratulations!!! I've got monochorionic twins too, they are so special and such a blessing! Yes it's really hard work but it's also truly amazing in every way. Career wise your wife will be fine, if anything taking one maternity leave is less disruptive than two seperate ones (if you had two children)!

Breastfeeding twins is definitely possible, as is having a vaginal birth (if the pregnancy is uncomplicated).

They'll probably keep an extra close eye on your twins because of the TTTS risk.

Huge huge good luck to you and many congratulations again.

My twins are nearly 10 weeks old. Do not google! I was so scared throughout my pregnancy. You will be 100% fine no matter what happens. If your wife needs a c section then it will be fine. Twins are not double the work, you just have to do things twice. Sometimes our babies share bottles. Honestly, if you want two babies then this is the way to do it! You only have to do pregnancy and birth once! Don’t let other people scare you. People told me all the time - rather you than me - I thought I was going to die the way people went on. At the end of the day you can only do your best. As long as the babies are fed, warm and have a clean nappy it’s all good. It doesn’t do any harm to let babies cry sometimes - you can’t hold them all the time! They will soon learn to soothe themselves. People used to tell me that I’d never shower again - this is silly - a shower takes 5-10 mins max. The babies will be fine. To look after babies then you have to look after yourself. You. Will. Be. Fine!

If you don't already have a tumble dryer and dishwasher, get them. Absolute life savers! My twins are now 15 months and I don't know how I got through the first 10 months or so without them. Also, if you need to move or extend do it now, not while your twins are a few months old. Only a crazy person would do that. Ask me how I know...

Having twins is probably the hardest thing I've ever done but also the most amazing. Good luck!