German Manners? Or Just Rude?

[NotQuiteCockney]

Looking for input from any German or German-resident mumsnetters.

A friend of mine is German. It was her son's birthday recently, so she asked me to make a hat for him. I was flattered that she liked my knitting so much, but also a bit flummoxed, I don't enjoy knitting in a hurry. Was this normal German directness? Or just being rude?

She also claims that Germans don't ask their kids to say "please" and "thank you", as saying it without meaning it is bad. Or something. Is that true? I've only visited Germany briefly, but I remember a lot of "danke" and "bitte" happening. Surely everyone didn't always mean it?

bran, drying flat is required, but not all yarns require handwashing.

Of course, with any non-synthetic knitting, the less you wash it, the better, really.

The hat I was doing wasn't that complicated or hard - anyone who could do cables could do it. You just need the patterns for the weird cables.

My mother is German and my dad English and I was brought up on British Army bases - so all my schooling was british. I've always thought of myself as English, but as I get older feel more and more foreign.
I've realised (now I'm 39) that when you offer someone English a cup of tea and they decline you should offer again in case they were being polite. I really do expect people to say yes or no and mean it. I can't always read between the lines and get to the true meaning of what someone is saying.

I also lived in New York for a couple of years and had three playgroups, which I think, summed up cultural differences:
an Austro/German one where we all sat around the table politely and had kaffee und kuchen (coffee and cakes) an American one where everyone drank water and a British one where a bottle of wine was always opened mid-afternoon

sorry franke, but I have to disagree about German humour! people from Baden-Wurtembourg can be very ironic and much subtler than custard pies.
A very senior manager came to address us last year. We were all assembled, and this guy who none of us knew except from his photos on the intranet walks in and starts talking...after about 10 minutes, a German colleague stands up and says smoothly "My name is X, what is yours?"
Agony around the room as everyone tried not to laugh too loudly.
maybe it was in the delivery, but incredibly funny.

spatz, interestingly, I was brought up to believe that I was 100% british, yet I too expect a straight answer to my questions. And if people say how are you, I tell them. And if I ask them how they are, its because I want to know!!
I only recently realised that this might be down to my german ancestry.
Love the playgroups story.

"Much subtler than custard pies" I don't know why but that made me lol. Are you sure your German colleague who stood up was really German? .

Actually what's interesting about your last post NN is that it brings us right back to the original subject of this thread - Germans, bluntness and manners. Your colleague stood up and was rather blunt (no, not subtle, blunt) because he thought the speaker was bad mannered for not introducing himself

I think he said it to make people laugh though, and in an ultra courteous manner

Maybe he studied business management in the UK? [clutching at straws emoticon]

I see what you mean actually. the humour was slightly subtle, but the point about courtesy was blunt.
he was from near Stuttgart! I met a guy from that area at uni, he was very jokey too.

can't understand why there are no bids

Extending the thread (or maybe just hi-jacking it a bit), I find my West Indian DP's family very blunt and direct and initially I thought they were terribly rude. Now I know what to expect and what they find acceptable. Also, because my MIL was so direct, I felt that I should agree with her the whole time, which caused some anxiety on my part. By watching the family (esp the younger generation speaking to the older) I am learning how to put my foot down in a way that is so much more direct than I would with my own family, but in a way that is still deemed polite to MIL.

For instance, the week after having DS, she demanded that I hold up my top for the family to inspect my tummy. My obvious squirming and looks of embarressment were not enough of a hint for her.

I also think that the extreme of the 'directness' is a MIL quirk.

Needless to say that when DP and my parents met, it was rather comical.

Message withdrawn

When I met dp's family I thought there must be some north / south cultural thing going on as his mother (from the NE) seemed incredibly rude. Now 6 years later I realise she is, in fact, just incredibly rude.

My neightbour is English but lives in Germany half the year. His family and firends visit often and I agree certain translation, directness don't come across well and take you by surprise. I don't think its rude just very direct

When I lived in Germany for a year (1989/90) I had a fantastic time, but rarely laughed because of the sense of humour gulf between us and them. However, reading this thread reminded me of something that did make me laugh, and I've not been able to get it out of my mind this week.

There was a comedian on TV who was very, very funny. In one particular escapade Koenigen Beatrix of the Nederlands was due to visit this town. The comedian dressed in drag, hired a big limo and chauffeur, and drove up to the place where she was expected 10 mins before she was due to arrive! All the crowds clapped and cheered and waved their flags, and he waved regally from the car. The limo then pulled up at the destination, and he got out and proceeded up the steps. About half way up someone suddenly realised it wasn't the Queen at all, and he was hastily bundled off and removed from sight before the real dignitary arrived.

OK, that doesn't sound very funny does it, but it was hysterical. I am laughing out loud (again) remembering it 15 years on!

So my question is, does anyone know who this chap is/was?

roisin, that does sound funny.

The Scheiss-Hut reminds me of The Little Mole Who Knew It Was None of His Business, which is German, and funny (sort-of), and all about the Scheiss.

And an update: my German friend left a message thanking me for the lovely hat, and saying how impressed she was at how fast I did it, and being very grateful, saying it's inspired her to get on with her knitting some more.

bran's example of how British people would say "knit hat!" made totally clear to me how much I prefer the British way ... that way, I offer to make a hat, and feel gracious and helpful, rather than bossed-about. But at least I know my German friend is just being German, not rude.

PSL at the Russian comments. It remin ds me of the one time I had the misfortune of flying Azerbyjanian Airways (Cyrillic writin painted over and bad English inserted, seats loose and don't mention the food!).

As we boarded the plane at Gatwick, we were asked if we wanted smoking or non-smoking seats, we asked for non-smoking. After the plane took off, the guy sitting next to us lit up one of those smelly Turkish cigarettes. My sister called over the air hostess (Large, 40 ish, dyed blonde hair and bad makeup) to complain. Her response was "He smoking, it smoking seat, you not smoking, it non-smoking seat". Then turned around and ambled off - a very difficult act to carry off as she was almost exactly the width of the asile. The people in front complained as well. She brought them over an ashtray.

@ roisin

Hape Kerkeling! That's the guy you mean. Yes, he was soooooooooooooo funny as Beatrix, I am chuckling now thinking about it. He did lots of other things like that, one very very funny one was when he dressed up with a beard and in a suit. He then recited a completely ludicrous poem in front of a crowd of earnest "culture vultures", with his friend accompanying him very badly on the piano. The people in the audience thought it was serious and discussed the meaning of the poem etc etc. It was HILARIOUS.
Unfortunately he hasn't done much in recent years.

Yes, that's the guy emkana: Thank you! I saw the poetry one as well - hysterical!

I am not British and when working in a very multicultural office, it was normal for the British people to make comments on how "blunt" all we foreigners were. Sure, some of the foreigners were, but .... most of the British were more blunt. They thought it was ok to say offensive things to you and to ask you to do things that were most certainly not your job because they had started by saying "How are you" and then without even catching their breath, let alone even letting the person they talked to reply "fine" would bully the person into doing extra work. Because they "were so busy, see". (Then maybe they shouldn't talk small talk with their girl friends in the office 40% of the working time). Once I told one of them that I found her behaviour offensive and she replied in a tone as if she was explaining something to a five year old, that she couldn't possibly have been offensive, as she is British and British people are always polite. Funnily, I found an other job.

I'm from the UK but live in Germany and DP is German. I find the people here very friendly. They are direct, but in a sincere respectful way. They say what they mean and mean what they say.

Found this:

My mum is German, born and raised there. She always taught us that manners were very important and would have been quite embarrassed if she had found out from somebody else that we hadn't said please and thank you.
Germans can sometimes be direct and to the point, but it's just stating facts and not sugar coating things, they can still have good manners.
I don't think my mum or any of my German family would ever just demand somebody knit them a hate. My DGD was always proud of our good manners saying please and thank you when we were young too, and she's been in Germany practically her whole life.