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Original poster

My ExH has been sending me money for my 18 yr old and is stopping end of July.. ...W>H>A>T ???

91 replies

maltesers · 03/07/2009 23:20

He has always sent maintenance money in the form of a cheque ever since my DD was 4yrs. She is off to Uni. in September, and for some reason he says this last cheque he has sent is the last one ever to me. From August onwards he is sending it straight to DD and upping it £50. I am so annoyed and surprised. I am keeping DD till mid Sept and she earns nothing. She is very wasteful, extravagant (and a teen terror from hell !) So she costs a fair bit. I have e mailed him and texts but he is not responded. Why is he short changing me by 6 weeks ??? I feel i must get in touch with the CSA...but can they help? past experience of them has been hopeless. Any advice gladly received. Thanks.

OP posts:
kormachameleon · 03/07/2009 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdwardBitMe · 03/07/2009 23:23

I think technically he has to support her not you, and as she is now 18 has everyright to send it straight to her.
Charge her board and lodgings until she has moved in to uni?

SlartyBartFast · 03/07/2009 23:23

shouldnt that be yoru decision to give her the money?

ingles2 · 03/07/2009 23:23

I agree with Korma. Your dd is now an adult and not in fulltime education over the summer. Perhaps she can get a job and pay you some rent?

SlartyBartFast · 03/07/2009 23:24

you are 6 weeks short changed?

dunno

Original poster
maltesers · 03/07/2009 23:29

yes 6 weeks......hhhmmm ! Could put that idea to DD to help contribute but i will be wasting my breath......you got to be joking.. there isnt a hope in hell of her contributing anything....well, except dirty dishes and a mess and a worn out washing machine !!

OP posts:
kormachameleon · 03/07/2009 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdwardBitMe · 03/07/2009 23:32

Let her clean up after herself as well. If she's going to uni in sept she'll need to learn to wash up and wash her clothes pretty soon!

Swedes · 03/07/2009 23:37

Surely the most important thing is that he is willing to support his dd through university. Lots don't. Can you write to him and say that's a good idea of his to pay her directly but can you agree that you will share her non-term time care between you both. And if that isn't possible perhaps he could recompense you during the non-term time weeks when she will be with you.

Swedes · 03/07/2009 23:40

Sorry that was a bit garbled. Pay her directly during term-time but pay you directly if she is living with you out of term-time. And she lives with him he doesn't have to pay anyone, but he does need to keep her and look after her.

It's much easier to get the result you want by being reasonable, than being adversarial.

PortAndLemon · 04/07/2009 00:45

Ultimately she's an adult and I don't think it's inappropriate for him to pay his contribution directly to her.

But it's clearly going to cause you issues. If you can't get her to contribute towards her upkeep, perhaps you could suggest that she spends half of the summer with him?

JeMeSouviens · 04/07/2009 01:01

I think the rule is this:

Maintenance paid if:

the child is under 16 (or 16-19 and in full-time education (not higher than A-level equivalent))

I did a google to find that info, perhaps you can show it to your ex, as it seems it should be paid until your DD actually starts University. After that, it no longer has to be paid at all.

PortAndLemon · 04/07/2009 01:07

(but is she in full-time education once we get to August, JeMeSouviens? School finishes for the academic year this month, which is presumably the basis on which the ex is stopping paying maltesers)

JeMeSouviens · 04/07/2009 01:12

good point P&L, bit churlish of him to not pay through to Sept. But good of him on the other hand to give their DD an allowance ongoing.

nannyL · 04/07/2009 08:23

while Uni may be seen by you as full time education it isnt counted as full time eduction.

You dont get free prescriptions for being in full time ed at uni (well at least you didnt when i was there a few years ago)

I think the dad is being generouse to still be paying. (though i realise that yes shes is child so ofcourse he should be, but technically he probably doesnt)

also charge her board and lodgings, she needs to grow up sooner or later and the cost of living is a cost she is going to have to accept now she is older

nannyL · 04/07/2009 08:25

also, you say she earns nothing... well perhaps she should be getting a job and doing something this summer?
Im sure most of her friends will be doing that.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 04/07/2009 08:29

I don't actually think at 18 he has to support her at all.

It sounds perfectly reasonable that he is sending the money to her now though.
I would tell her to get a job and that the money she gets, along with a small amount from you perhaps, is now what she has to survive on.

Or, just spoil her and enjoy her at home before she flies the nest.

Lulumama · 04/07/2009 08:31

agree with everyone else !! also £50 won't get her far anyway.she is going to need a job, and this could be the makings of her. hopefully uni and living out will help to mature her a bit and realise money does not grow on trees and clothes don't wash themselves etc.

i lived with a bloke at uni whose mum drove him up every term with a boot full of individual dinners in portions, ready for the freezer. and asked us all if we could iron his clothes as he was not very domesticated. you can guess how well that went down

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 04/07/2009 08:32

My mum used to take me shopping whenever she visited and bought me cupboard food!!

ingles2 · 04/07/2009 08:37

Hang on .. In August he'll be upping the money £50... so that means current money + £50 Maltesers yes?

Goblinchild · 04/07/2009 08:39

Or, just spoil her and enjoy her at home before she flies the nest.

Sounds like she's done that already!
Reasonable that he should give the money straight to her now she's 18, good on him that he's not arguing about still supporting an adult.
As the proud owner of a considerate and thoughtful 18 year old girl who knows her responsibilities as well as her rights and is a pleasure to share a house with, I think you ought to have a think about why your daughter is wasteful, extravagant and a teen terror.
And although very late in the day, what you can do to change that, having supported her in becoming one.

HappyMummyOfOne · 04/07/2009 10:17

Going to the CSA for 6 weeks payments after 14 years of support - I assume you are joking.

I think its great he's willing to help her out with finances whilst she's at uni - she's an adult so the money should go to her and not you.

If your daughter is wasteful etc, perhaps its been because you have allowed her to be rather than nipping it in the bud when it first started.

Original poster
maltesers · 04/07/2009 15:59

FYI Goblinchild i have thought about it hard and strong and beat myself up about it all these years. I feel guilty about all thats happened since i left her dad in 1994, i have been through hell and back, 2 aggressive partners and been on housing benefit since 1994. I dont really have much money to spoil her. She seems to really dislike me most of the time, and yet i try hard to get on and help her (DD).

Lucky you Goblin being the proud owner of sucha DD.

No why would i be joking Happymummyof one. ? My DD will cost me those 6 weeks and my income is about £4520 per annum. Thats why i am posting this issue. Needed some helpful advice.And well yes, we know all that about being wasteful... i have tried so hard to make her as frugal as i am.. but its very hard. There is only so much you can battle about with a teenager. My Ex pays for my 21 year old still and he is finishing Uni this summer, so quite naturally paying for DD too.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 04/07/2009 16:36

Sounds like your ex is a good father and is going above and beyond what most would do.

lilibet · 04/07/2009 16:38

Maltesers, what does your dd do for money at the moment?

I have 3 children, my dd is currently at uni, she's 20, her dad stopped paying at 18, but she has never been out of a job since 14. She gives me £80 a month rent, runs a car and is a really hard working girl. (Not that sort of working girl!!)

DS1 however, is a totally different kettle of fish, he starts college in September, refuses to look for a job, so he gets no money at all from me unless it is earned. Today he got £2.50 for weeding a part of the garden, so he had bus fare to get into town to see his mate. How does your dd fund things like that?

DS2 is only 12, so the money thing doesn't really coem into it with him yet, he gets a max £5 a week pocket money, but if things aren't done, like keeping his room tidy and his homework diary up to date, he looses money from his £5.

I can't remember who said that if she is lazy you have made her like that, (or something like that) but it's really not true, mine are all so different and have all been brought up the same.

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