My ExH has been sending me money for my 18 yr old and is stopping end of July.. ...W>H>A>T ???

[maltesers]

He has always sent maintenance money in the form of a cheque ever since my DD was 4yrs. She is off to Uni. in September, and for some reason he says this last cheque he has sent is the last one ever to me. From August onwards he is sending it straight to DD and upping it £50. I am so annoyed and surprised. I am keeping DD till mid Sept and she earns nothing. She is very wasteful, extravagant (and a teen terror from hell !) So she costs a fair bit. I have e mailed him and texts but he is not responded. Why is he short changing me by 6 weeks ??? I feel i must get in touch with the CSA...but can they help? past experience of them has been hopeless. Any advice gladly received. Thanks.

maltesers i haven't read all the post so sorry if repeating anything.
I take it your dd has just left college and is going to uni sept.Has soon as a child/adult of 18 leaves full time college they become a non dependent.Meaning if you are on benefit i.e income support,child tax credits you can no longer claim for them.They (in your case dd)have to support themselves by getting a job or claiming JSA.
Not 100% sure about child maintenance but i think that also stops unless the payee decides to carry on paying.But if it was payed to you it would be took off any benefits you claim.
HTH

lives in a huge Manor House on a farm of 26.000 acres

I think you need to ask your DH to find her a small job on his farm for the summer holidays, and he can support her during this time. Explain that she needs to learn about budgeting and looking after herself and you haven't got anywhere with this, and ask for his help in sorting this out for two months.

I don't know why she isn't working TBH, surely most teenagers work during weekends and holidays?? Especially if their father has opportunities for them!

Also without wanting to be rude, I'm not sure why there are four (?) of you living on benefits alone? Now might be a really good time to re-evaluate things... look for new training, get some advice. If you have no qualifications or experience then places like MIND often offer free careers/training advice, and might be a good place to start.

just what i was going to ask mp..why if things are so tough are you not working? fair enough if you have real obstacles, but really not much of an example to get your dd to contribute is it if you're all reliant on other people.

purpleduck - posters aren't suggesting that the OP treat her daughter like an unwelcome guest. They're merely suggesting that she tries to instil some sense of responsibility and maturity into her DD. I don't think requiring an adult child to make some financial contribution to their upkeep is unreasonable; I feel very strongly that allowing them to believe that they do not have to mature into responsible, independent, self-reliant young adults is unreasonable.

Malteser's dd is working as a lifeguard. I bet she could get some additional shifts if she wanted to, the pools round here are always short and using "casual" staff.

slayerette,
I agree too
BUT - the dd in question has never had to contribute, and to make her as soon as she turns 18 seems like throwing her in at the deep end (no life-guarding pun intended ).
Yes, encourage her to work, yes ask for some housekeeping money - instills life skills in budgeting etc
BUT, expecting her to instantly take up the slack from the father just seems wrong.
Is there any reason why OP can't work?

Agree with morningpaper as well

If at all possible it would be worth trying to agree a rent/costs figure with your daughter now because it's not just this 6 weeks, there will presumably be christmas holidays, easter holidays, summer holidays, reading weeks etc where she will be at home over the 3 years of uni.

Or if she won't even agree to a minimal sum then can she stay with her Dad instead?

The more i earn , the more gets taken off Housing Benefit...Catch 22

She doesnt have much of a relationship with her Dad.. he hs not nutured that, sadly. Will try to get her to contribute..eg buy her own food.

Good luck with it all Maltesers. I have been fortunate to have never have been in such a situation but it sounds tough. There's always lots of 'subtext' going on , guilt stuff, revenge stuff, and well, anger in any family breakdown, isn't there, and that has an effect on how things are, and how inter-relationships work.

Also I agree with the poster who said how different her 3 DCs are despite their identical upbringing. A DD's behaviour isn't necessarily the single mum's fault!...And funny how we like to take credit for our perfectly behaved child, yet 'society' is always to blame for the one who's drug addicted!

And I have to say I DID get wound up by the suggestion the father is a good bloke doing his bit by supporting his own DD at all! THAT'S from the camp that says 'You should be grateful, MY ex gives nothing at all' , like that makes his short-changing forgivable!

MY penny's worth-and that's all it is! -would be to perhaps have a grown-up to grown-up chat with DD and spell out the financial situation, to explain that she cannot be a financial passenger anymore because the back up money (for you) simply isn't there any more, it's in DD's back pocket!

Finally, it's my understanding that our weird tax and benefit system DOES penalise those who try and earn that BIT more so you can easily fall into that void of being financially worst off as you lose benefits.

He hasnt been much of a father at all....too busy attending to his very important social whirl and holidays galore without kids. He has been ashit dad actually....main reason why i left him, plus he was horrible to me ...
Thanks for opinions and advice guys !!

Charge her 'keep' then - at least you know she has the money to do that.

She is an adult now and you are doing her no favours by treating her otherwise. She DOES need to pay a contribution towards her keep, I would assume that her father expect her to start doing this now.

He doesn't need to pay maintanence at all once she reaches 18 anyway, does he?

I can understand what you say about your daughter not realising she is an adult yet though. (I am a secondary school teacher!). I do think your ex has made it uneccessarily difficult for you.

Have you talked to her about this yet and uni finances in general? I would think that she needs to see in black and white what the household income is and what things cost, and that you simply cannot afford to support her without her father's contribution and she must step in now. She may surprise you. I think your ex really should have helped you by explaining this to her, too.

I didn't pay my Dad and his wife keep during uni holidays etc but I certainly did all my own washing and bought groceries for the house.

I am stunned. It is not up to the state or your ex-partner to bankroll your existence.

I think you're incredibly lucky that your ex is helping fund the further education of BOTH children.

Welcome back to the real world sweetheart - maybe it's time you got your arse on a till at Tesco?

She is an adult-it is only reasonable that the money goes to her direct. My DS got a pension from his father's employers (father died)-from his 18th birthday it went into his bank account and not mine-it is the way these things work.

Perhaps she sees that the state keep you and thats were her financial sense comes from.

Yes, the more you earn the less benefits you get but surely pride should be an issue rather than working the bare minimum so that taxpayers support you.

You seem very bitter that your ex has a good lifestyle but I presume he works hard for that lifestyle so why begrudge it. If you want the extra holidays or larger house then you need to change your life rather than moan about it.

Your DD is now an adult, who is very lucky to have financial support from her dad as she goes to uni. Hopefully by getting the money direct she will soon learn to budget - if she doesnt, then she may have to learn the hard way.

whilst i realise it's not entirely relevant, i'm very drawn to the original facts concerning your xh. i am assuming you were married during the 'cavalry officer' phase of his life and became accustomed to a rather different standard of living than you are now experiencing. were you working at all during that time? the difficulties of being an army spouse and entering the job market have been documented in a vast amount of research, but i would have thought that the 'soft' skills you picked up during that period in terms of organising, administration, event planning and hosting would have contributed enormously to your confidence and general employability, as well as bumping your determination to do something for yourself, rather than remain financially reliant upon someone else. but no mean feat to actually achieve that, and only confidence in your own abilities and sheer force of will could have got you out of that hole - with a small family you were potentially more reliant on his maintenance than when you were living under his roof.

so you have my sympathy, but ultimately i think you have to let the money/ xh thing go now. he no longer has to pay, and the fact he is continuing to do so is now an issue between you and your daughter, not between you and him.

i suspect the reason he is paying the money directly to his daughter is that he knows how tight money is in your home, and wants to be sure that the money he is paying to support his daughter and enable her to continue her education is actually getting to her, rather than being subsumed into the household budget and endangering her continued education. but this is speculation of the highest order, obviously.

i would let the next 6 weeks ride and send your daughter off to uni to become an adult. ask her for her keep, or give her the option for paying for her own stuff, but don't let it sour this last month or so before your dd flies the nest. it's pointless - and i doubt that the csa or your x are going to listen to your fury.

wishing your daughter the very best for her studies, and her first 'real life' experiences as an adult paying her own way. and i wish you and your new partner the very best in organising your future finances without the financial support of your xh.

By maltesers on Wed 08-Jul-09 11:37:56
The more i earn , the more gets taken off Housing Benefit...Catch 22

No, it's not a catch 22. You can actually earn money and pay all your rent.

Think yourself lucky that you have recieved maintenance. Loads of parents do not recieve a penny.

Pay your own rent - sorry, but you too are being lazy, along with your daughter. So what if the housing benefit reduces - thats good. Shows you are supporting yourself and over time when your earnings increase, promotions etc you will be better off. What on the earth has the country come to when people expect benefits to keep them even when they can work to pay for it themselves. (I sound like a DM reader - runs out of the house in shame). You need to set an example for your children.

No doubt her partner also lives there - undeclared of course...

W>H>A>T ? FYI my boyfriend is presently unemployed and looking for work. He nor myself would EVER do something so illegal. I am legit. in receipt of Housing Benefit and dont need to justify my situation. What is this Mumsnet...or Bitch net. ????? Thought this web site was meant to be supportive..not nasty..SKI|HORSE
You make me very cross GETORFMOILAND....if i worked every hour of the week as a Fitness instructor in a gym it would not pay the rent. I have an 8 year old to support as well as my 18 year old and on £4000-£5000 per annum its very hard. The law says i am eligible for Housing Benefit... and Child Tax credits and Child Benefit......but if you have never been in this difficult situation you wouldnt have a clue what you are talking about. And that goes for any one else who is financially secure and married with a DH who has a job. These last few posts have made me want to give up with this site...

maltesers - i think most people are just surprised that you seem to be incandescent with rage that your dd's father is no longer going to be paying you maintenance now that she is an adult...

i know it's six weeks early, but surely you knew it was coming?

i think if your op had been 'oh bum, he's stopping maintenance and i'm really skint, does anyone have any ideas as to how i can re-organise my finances/ check my benefits entitlement/ whatever', it might have been better received.

slagging off a guy for sending money to his adult daughter, whatever sort of a bind it puts you in personally, was always a subject that needed careful handling, particularly when some readers would be struggling to bring up children with no maintenance being paid at all.

maybe take a deep breath and start trying to think logically about how you intend to manage from now on without the money you are no longer entitled to? i think that would probably help you more than ranting on here tbh.

I declare ALL my income to the Council and am legally by law and on paper eligible for this financial support from the government.
When i was marred to my DDs' father he had left the army and was on a low income in his forst job in Civvy Street. We lived in a one bedroom flat in Balham, south london. He drank and smoked a lot of our income FYI.