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Original poster

My ExH has been sending me money for my 18 yr old and is stopping end of July.. ...W>H>A>T ???

91 replies

maltesers · 03/07/2009 23:20

He has always sent maintenance money in the form of a cheque ever since my DD was 4yrs. She is off to Uni. in September, and for some reason he says this last cheque he has sent is the last one ever to me. From August onwards he is sending it straight to DD and upping it £50. I am so annoyed and surprised. I am keeping DD till mid Sept and she earns nothing. She is very wasteful, extravagant (and a teen terror from hell !) So she costs a fair bit. I have e mailed him and texts but he is not responded. Why is he short changing me by 6 weeks ??? I feel i must get in touch with the CSA...but can they help? past experience of them has been hopeless. Any advice gladly received. Thanks.

OP posts:
FigmentOfYourImagination · 04/07/2009 16:48

Your children are adults (or very very soon will be) they need to learn that they need to support themselves.

You all need to stop expecting your ex to bankroll your lifestyle. That particular gravy train has left the station.

See this as a positive. Get yourself into a better paying job, if you are not qualified enough to do that then get yourself into college and learn some more skills. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and move on.

Your DD will manage, if she can't manage her money then tough (whether her Dad is topping it up or not). She is an adult and needs to learn that with adulthood comes responsibility and money is a finite resource which has to be managed.

If these 6weeks are a real issue then get on to the CSA and complain to them.

Surfermum · 04/07/2009 16:52

You aren't 6 week sshort - the money's still there isn't it? It's just going to your dd and not to you. Why don't you just get your dd to hand it over to you while she's still at home?

hercules1 · 04/07/2009 16:53

maltesers - i think you are being unreasonable. She is 18 now and many 18 year olds have no other adult support. It's not your ex's fault you have no money.

letsgostrawberrypicking · 04/07/2009 17:00

Dont cook for her, shop for her food, clean for her or anything else until she pays you. Dont let her know where the "easy cook" food is, so that if she does use the food you have bought, say you are out and cant stop her, she has to put an effort into making it. Hopefully a few days/weeks of this will teach her a bit of appreciation for you.

Some dc just aren't naturally appreciative and it's a battle

Original poster
maltesers · 04/07/2009 17:18

Havnt the heart not to shop for her.. but think i will aske her to buy her own food August and Sept. She will think it unreasonable i know..
No its not my Exs' fault HERCULES1....its no ones fault. The more i earn the more get taken off my Housing Benefit....if you have been there you will know what i mean. .......

OP posts:
Lulumama · 04/07/2009 17:22

your income is £4250?

how on earth is there any money left for DD to be extravagant and wasteful with

and how on earth do you survive? are you sure you are claiming all you are entitled to>

seems a tiny amount for a family of 4 to survive on

Original poster
maltesers · 04/07/2009 17:35

I just do survive... I get child benefit. child tax credits. and housing beneift and maintenance from my Ex...
What ever we have got she is wasteful with even if its the tescos stripy toilet paper..shampoo, milk, fruit, toothpaste...anything. She leaves lights on, heating on and i have had to cancel the land line cos she ran up such a high bill....

OP posts:
Original poster
maltesers · 04/07/2009 17:35

My DD works one day as a lifeguard and drinks most of it away Clubbing ferociously !

OP posts:
hatwoman · 04/07/2009 17:42

maltesers - I agree with the others that she's an adult now - if you can't afford to support her, then you have to charge her rent etc. she's lucky to have some income from her dad - many students don't get that.

where I disagree though with some of the comments here is that there seems to be a heaping of praise on this girl's father. tbh we have no idea whether he deserves that or not. plenty of parents (married, single, divorced) help their children financially - to greater or lesser extents - through university. for all we know he might be rolling in it and giving her a relative pittance - or he might be counting every penny and being extremely generous. I don't think that giving your own daughter some money while she's at uni is, per se, something that merits huge praise.

I also disagree with those comments about you being bank-rolled or similar. poppy-cock.

This change of situation is obviously a shock - and it would be best if you can come to a friendly/realistic agreement about how to share continued costs - - but that may well be what others have said - that you charge her rent.

Yurtgirl · 04/07/2009 17:46

Quit moaning - 6 weeks shortchanged! How awful

Dh and I split up three years ago, so that means three years shortchanged

If she is extravagant and wasteful with money why didnt you teach her to be more miserly with money, budgeting etc

Sorry Im dont sound sympathetic but Im not!

sweetfall · 04/07/2009 17:46

Just tell her that as the money is now quite rightly going directly to her you will need her to give you £x to cover her housing, heating, lighting, food, water and bills whilst she is living under your roof.

If she argues / can't do it tell her to go and stay with her dad for those 6 weeks

Surfermum · 04/07/2009 18:01

Lifeguards do have a tendency to party ferociously .

Original poster
maltesers · 04/07/2009 22:07

HATWOMAN... her Dad IS rolling in it and he has been VERy miserly about how much he has paid me for her and my older son....£300 a month as was for the two of them. He is an Ex cavalry officer, went to Rugby Public School and has inherited a fortune and lives in a huge Manor House on a farm of 26.000 acres....He is rich... I am not joking.
My DD called me tonite on her way home from the railway station saying she was scared cos a man was trying to Bluetooth her on the train. So i ran out to meet her, and has since done nothing but be rude as hell, all about the small salad she put in the fridge which my partner opened thinking i had bought it. Yes, this situation has come as a shock after 14 years..though Ex would do the decent thing and send to me till she leaves mid Sept.......ROll on !
Truly feeling very down and upset with her. There is no chance that she will pay any bills or buy her own food.
I am not moaning YURTGIRL.... i am being factual.
Looks like from all this advice i will have to take it on the chin.!!

OP posts:
nannyL · 05/07/2009 02:41

i suggest that if food isnt provided for her actually she very soon would provide her own food... if she is hungry she will by food to eat...
or you could charge her for meals £1 for breakfast £2 for lunch and £3 for dinner, = £6/day £42/week, with the option of her buying her own food if she wants to.

it really is not that difficult and IMO its your job as a mother to help teach her to stand on her own 2 feet, and not just treat her like a spoilt child because she doesnt want to comply...

its your house and while she is living there your rules apply and if she doesnt like it she can find somewhere else and support herself.

EachPeachPearMum · 05/07/2009 04:16

How is she going to survive at university if she cannot budget, shop, and cook?
She must know you could not bail her out if she were to run out of money there?
You need to sit down with her- and spell out your financial situation.
I do not think there is anything difficult for an 18 yo to understand that if your income is £150 down a month, something has to give- ie she has to buy food, contribute to rent, bills etc. She is off to university, she cannot be thick! You say you haven't the heart not to shop for her- but truly you are doing her a disservice if she cannot manage a household herself.
Paying for things herself will certainly give her a perspective on being wasteful...

hatwoman · 05/07/2009 09:27

hi again maltesers - another thing were I disagree with other posters - is with those who think or imply that your dd and her upbringing is solely your responsibility. it's her father's job too to help her learn to be financially independent and to behave like a grown up etc. and, by not even talking to you about this, he's not exactly setting a very good example. like I said I agree with quite a bit of what others say but I think you're getting an uneccessarily tough ride on this thread. esp when we know a fraction of the background.

hatwoman · 05/07/2009 09:33

and, for all we know, this girl's attitude to money and to her mum etc might have just as much to do with her father, as with maltesers. maltesers might have been trying her very best all these years with zero (non-financial) support from the girl's father. or worse - there might have been all sorts of stuff going on that would actually undermine maltesers and impact on her daughter. we just don't know.

yerblurt · 05/07/2009 19:54

Hang on, you are on benefits and you were getting cheques from the ex for child maintenance for the last 15-odd years ... haven't you been breaking the law quite a bit?

From recollection, until recently, any monies received for child benefit had to be declared...

Goblinchild · 05/07/2009 19:56

How do you know that she hasn't declared it?

Original poster
maltesers · 06/07/2009 12:36

I ALWAYS declared it YERTBLURT...and still do; and that amount is deducted from my Housing Benefit every month.
However, the new law now states that Child Maintenance is not taken into consideration when getting Housing Benefit.
My DD declare it ?? Will speak to her about that.
N>B> I received Julys' Money from him , but from August on he is sending the money to her.
I do know for a fact HATWOMAN..that my DDs' step mother has poisoned my DDs' mind against me all these years, cos DD tells me what she says to her. Its VERY hurtful. However, thats another story !
i am going to contact the CSA...and if they dont do anything i will in the end , if nothing else give my Ex DH a piece of my mind. He is short changing me £300 for 6 weeks and he is on his 3rd holiday this year, drives around in a large Audi estate and shops in Waitrose. My DD says their shopping trips there end up around £260 ...ggrrhh!

OP posts:
nannyL · 06/07/2009 13:36

when you ex supports his adult daughter and sends her money directly, i really dont think it is relevant that he drives and audi and shops in waitrose.

feel free to give him a piece of your mind though... it will probably go in 1 ear and out the other

nappyaddict · 06/07/2009 14:49

Not read the whole thread but just thought I would let you know that if your DD is going into further education or university then you should receive maintenance payments until the end of the school year that she turns 19.

Surfermum · 06/07/2009 18:33

It sounds like as he has been happy to pay directly to you without fail since she was 4, that he has made himself aware of the rules around this and has stopped the payments just as soon as he is required to.

I just wonder whether him paying your dd directly now means that he is trying to give her the opportunity to start to budget for herself before she goes to university, and I wonder whether he is thinking that she will make up the difference, or at least some of it, to you by paying her way for this last 6 weeks.

It isn't his fault if you won't "make" her pay her way. He may well be sitting there thinking "well that's down to her" (ie you) if you don't make her and as far as he's concerned he's fulfilled his obligation and is continuing to support his dd.

I'm not convinced that he's doing anything wrong here.

LadyMuck · 06/07/2009 20:52

But he hasn't stopped paying maintenance - his 18 year old daughter will be paid it. Your issue needs to be with your daughter and not your ex.

That said you now have the time to sort out your own benefit situation as your daughter will now presumably become a nondependent. Joys of another HB form I'm afraid.

Don't forget to have a full discussion with the tax credits people as well. I see lots of families get screwed over because they continue to claim tax credits in the final year of schooling for too long.

purpleduck · 06/07/2009 21:16

I am shocked at everyone saying that the dd should get a job and support herself, and just be cut off. I hate that kind of thinking - the "oh they are 18, I'm cutting them off". They are your CHILDREN not unwelcome guests.
And then the OP says that SHE can't earn anything as it gets taken off Housing Benefit. ARE YOU FOR REAL?? Did I miss something (and I apologise if I have). Can the OP not work? And if his maintenence amount gets taken off housing benefit, then just inform housing that the maintenence will stop, and presumably the payment will go back up...
I absolutely am in favour of teens getting a job, but they are looking for short term work, and are in competition with many many others who have more experience.

And is this maintenence - as in child support...or maintenence