We earn nearly 5K a month but we’re always skint

[MoonlitMabel]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years and we have 6 kids between us. We both work and on paper we should be doing ok but honestly we seem to have no money left most months and I dont understand where its all going.

I earn about £1450 a month after tax and he usually brings home around £3200 but it depends on overtime. We get child benefit as well and I get a bit of maintenance for my older two but its not a massive amount. So I know we arent on a low income exactly, which is why its frustrating that we are always counting down to payday.

I have DS11 and DD8 from my previous relationship, he has two girls aged 13 and 10 from his previous relationship and we have a DS who is 2 and a DD who is 8 months. The older two live with me full time. His girls have only recently come to live with us full time because their mum moved away and they wanted to stay with their dad. Their mum isnt paying maintenance at the moment. I dont blame the girls for any of this and they are lovely, its just obviously a lot more expensive having two extra children here all the time.

We rent a 3 bed house and its quite full now but moving isnt an option at the moment. Rent is £850, council tax is about £180, then all the usual bills, phones, petrol, car insurance etc. He pays the rent and most of the bigger bills from his account and I tend to pay for the food shop, things the kids need and bits for the house. It sort of ended up that way rather than us sitting down and deciding it was fair.

The thing is he keeps saying I need to cut down on the food shop. Last night I spent £235 and he was genuinely shocked when he saw it, asking how on earth I had spent that much and saying I need to look at my spending. I know £235 sounds a lot but its for 8 people and I got nappies, washing stuff, toilet roll, packed lunch things, milk, fruit, meat etc. I wasnt buying loads of treats or anything particularly expensive. We were running low on quite a few things so it wasnt even just food.

I did get annoyed because he has been ordering more Airfix stuff recently. He builds the models and paints them and its his hobby, which I do understand, everyone needs something they enjoy. But he will order a kit for £35 then paints another time and tools and bits for another £20 or £30 and he doesnt seem to see it as much because its not all in one go. He says its his hobby and he doesnt go out drinking or spend money on nights out. Fair enough but I dont have money to just buy things for myself whenever I want. If I need clothes or something I usually leave it until the next month.

He says thats different because the food shop is something I can control and I need to plan better. He reckons I buy too much and we dont need half the things I get. I said if he wants to do the food shop and feed all of us for less then he can have a go because its easy to criticise when you arent the one trying to make meals out of whats left in the fridge. That probably didnt help the conversation.

He then said since his girls moved in everything costs more and I seem to have a problem with it. I honestly dont. They are his children and of course they should be able to live with their dad if thats what they want. But we didnt really sit down and work out how much more it would cost or change how we pay for things. We just carried on as before and now we are struggling even more.

He has debt repayments as well, credit cards and a loan from before, which come to around £500 a month. He says those are fixed payments and have to be paid so theres not much he can do about them. I agree they need paying but it means a lot of his wages are already spoken for before we have even bought food or put petrol in the car. His overtime isnt guaranteed either so some months he gets less than £3200.

I dont know if we are just spending too much or if this is what it costs to run a house with this many kids now. We dont have expensive holidays or go out much. The kids have clubs and school things to pay for, they grow out of clothes and shoes, the little ones need nappies and all that. Then theres always something else, a birthday or a school trip or something needs replacing.

We dont have a joint account and neither of us has a proper idea of what the other has left after bills. He thinks he pays most of the money out because the rent and bills come out of his account, and I feel like Im constantly spending mine on everyone and everything and never have anything left. We have never actually added everything up together which I know sounds stupid.

I dont want this to turn into me saying he shouldnt buy his hobby stuff or that his girls cost too much, because thats not what I mean. I just dont see how we can both be working and bringing that much in and still be skint all the time. Is £235 actually ridiculous for a weekly shop for this many people or do I need to look properly at what Im spending? And how do other people split everything when there are children from previous relationships as well?

Yes, it is unfair but you can either use your time and mental energy being resentful or you can use it to sort things out more efficiently.
As everyone has said you need to gather all the information to allow you to make sustainable plans. All money into a joint account. Check pay slips for how much your income is. Take the lowest month as a baseline. Rent, council tax and fixed bills out first. Based on what you spent on this shop budget about 1100 a month for food and household. Put aside something for emergencies. See what is left and divide it up to clothes, Christmas and birthdays and personal spends for each of you. Stop adding to any credit cards, you must be spending a lot on interest which is wasted money. Run a check based on your current circumstances to see if you are entitled to any benefits. Consider getting help from Step Change to see if you can get the interest on the debts frozen. If he won’t agree to this then I would be considering the relationship.

Is there a reason that his daughters Mother isn't paying maintenance? She should be!

If you're on those wages with 6 kids in rented you'd be eligible for nigh on £1000 a month in benefits. Are you claiming that?

I agree she should be, but OP said she doesn’t have a job so that’s why

We earn about 7.5k per month. 2k on mortgage and insurances. Now we do save 2.5k so that leaves 3k to pay for everything else for a family of 4…and that is all that does. NO WAY could we afford 4 more kids on that (excluding saving!)

I think this is normal for a family ..the not having much money
But I think you DH is being unfair
I don't think you should be paying all the nursery costs yourself.
But I expect he will say he has his credit card debts to pay
It's funny how anything he spends on himself he justified
But anything you spend like nappies and food is wrong.
So you need a joint account,you both pay the same percentage of your wage or income in to ..then that is used for food and nursary fees anything the children need
What you both have left is your own money
Then his credit card debts and figure painting comes out of his own money that's left .
But
Something tells me this man won't want to do that
I think you would be better separately in separate houses
You would have more money then and could claim UC

I am one of six kids, we all had one or two children except one sister who had an accidental third. She cried when she found out. We never had much of anything.

I know you can’t exactly slot one back up but just in case someone else reads this if contemplating a big family.

It’s his debt mainly, your food shop is ok.

Yes, bar soap is a good suggestion. It actually washes better than shower gel.

slot one back up

what an image ... 😕

Where do all the children sleep if you have only three bedrooms?

That salary is very low to run a house with six growing children, even without debt. Your food bill doesn’t sound that much more then mine and I have one teenager so I can’t see how you can cut that back much.

I’m getting financial abuse vibes. He spends what he likes and gets into debt and then berates you for buying nappies.

What’s the rest of your relationship like?

He wants you to cut down on food including for his four children because he has run up debts, and failed to do his sums and financially plan for the eventuality he might need to fully support his existing children before he fathered more?
He is entirely unreasonable.
Food is a top priority alongside rent and utilities and comes way up the priority list before servicing unsecured debt.
He needs to negotiate with his creditors perhaps with help from step change or CAB because that £500 is not affordable if it means there isn't enough left for food.

Just take out the softener (you don't need it; over time it gunges up the fibres), crisps and biscuits and start using bar soap.

Then ask what he has changed.

Those items won't do any harm (actually bar soap washes better and crisps and biscuits are unhealthy) but the kids might whinge and it all will all be visible and make a point.

Another small cut you could make is cut out one extra meat meal and replace with a homemade beans on toast. Beans are good protein and they don't need animal protein every night.

Why make the decision to have extra kids when you can’t afford them?! You already had 4 between you. You’ve knowingly created this problem for yourself and now you’re moaning about it.

Many people stop at fewer children than they’d ideally want because it’s not affordable, you should have done the same.

The obvious answer is a joint account. All income goes into the joint, out of which you each get a small amount sent to your personal accounts for fun spending. Then all bills and shopping and everything for the family comes out of the joint account.

The trouble is, if he is spending £500 on his debts, do you also get £500 for yourself? Probably not as there simply isn't the money. So it ends up that you both get e.g. £50 for personal spends and his debt gets paid out of the joint account. But if he is still using cards and re-building the debt every time it gets paid down, you are effectively paying half of everything he spends on his cards.
So you need to have an equal say in what is he spending on his cards.
My guess would be crap for himself: coffees, burgers, socialising with his friends, lunches at work, man-toys, impulse buys, etc, etc.

If he won't agree to cut up the credit cards and share a joint account, with just £50 per month personal spending, then this relationship has no future.

I cannot fathom why you had two children together. How can 8 people live in a 3 bed house comfortably?!

Can people stop criticising the number of kids.

They are where they are and nothing is going to change.

No because it’s the crux of the problem. Don’t have 6 kids if you can’t afford 6 kids.

But how does spelling that out help @MoonlitMabel

You can’t change how many kids you have so it can’t be the focus.

my tips: His Airfix budget needs to be zero. If your 2yo can be potty trained and isn’t, do it. Shower EOD instead of daily. Meat free meals more days per week than meat. Walk to school and nursery if you can. Ditch all single serving snacks… cheeses, raisins, even crisps. Canned food is also fine and takes a lot less energy to heat and store; don’t just focus on freezer foods. Halve the amount of laundry detergent you’re using, because it’s usually more than you need.

When you’re struggling for money it can be hard to start the process of looking at every single thing as an opportunity to cut costs, because it’s overwhelming. Look after your mental health because you’ll be no use to your family if you continue in this head space.

Well it's all the OPs fault then isn't it, there's no point her trying to do anything constructive to ease her situation and she should allow her DP to continue spending their money on crap and getting them into debt, while she's tying herself in knots trying to feed them all for as little as possible.

All earnings and child maintenance should go into one account, and everything paid from that account.
Normally this wouldn't be fair for blended families but you both have 2 older kids each that live with you full time.
Also, he needs to get child maintenance for his 2 older children

Many of us made a conscious decision of only having children we could afford, not having a family then starting another family with a partner who already had a family.

OP's children and step-children are here but the whole family suffers from the income-outgoings issues.

You need to get better jobs.

5k per month for 8 people living in rented accommodation is really low.