We earn nearly 5K a month but we’re always skint

[MoonlitMabel]

Me and my partner have been together 6 years and we have 6 kids between us. We both work and on paper we should be doing ok but honestly we seem to have no money left most months and I dont understand where its all going.

I earn about £1450 a month after tax and he usually brings home around £3200 but it depends on overtime. We get child benefit as well and I get a bit of maintenance for my older two but its not a massive amount. So I know we arent on a low income exactly, which is why its frustrating that we are always counting down to payday.

I have DS11 and DD8 from my previous relationship, he has two girls aged 13 and 10 from his previous relationship and we have a DS who is 2 and a DD who is 8 months. The older two live with me full time. His girls have only recently come to live with us full time because their mum moved away and they wanted to stay with their dad. Their mum isnt paying maintenance at the moment. I dont blame the girls for any of this and they are lovely, its just obviously a lot more expensive having two extra children here all the time.

We rent a 3 bed house and its quite full now but moving isnt an option at the moment. Rent is £850, council tax is about £180, then all the usual bills, phones, petrol, car insurance etc. He pays the rent and most of the bigger bills from his account and I tend to pay for the food shop, things the kids need and bits for the house. It sort of ended up that way rather than us sitting down and deciding it was fair.

The thing is he keeps saying I need to cut down on the food shop. Last night I spent £235 and he was genuinely shocked when he saw it, asking how on earth I had spent that much and saying I need to look at my spending. I know £235 sounds a lot but its for 8 people and I got nappies, washing stuff, toilet roll, packed lunch things, milk, fruit, meat etc. I wasnt buying loads of treats or anything particularly expensive. We were running low on quite a few things so it wasnt even just food.

I did get annoyed because he has been ordering more Airfix stuff recently. He builds the models and paints them and its his hobby, which I do understand, everyone needs something they enjoy. But he will order a kit for £35 then paints another time and tools and bits for another £20 or £30 and he doesnt seem to see it as much because its not all in one go. He says its his hobby and he doesnt go out drinking or spend money on nights out. Fair enough but I dont have money to just buy things for myself whenever I want. If I need clothes or something I usually leave it until the next month.

He says thats different because the food shop is something I can control and I need to plan better. He reckons I buy too much and we dont need half the things I get. I said if he wants to do the food shop and feed all of us for less then he can have a go because its easy to criticise when you arent the one trying to make meals out of whats left in the fridge. That probably didnt help the conversation.

He then said since his girls moved in everything costs more and I seem to have a problem with it. I honestly dont. They are his children and of course they should be able to live with their dad if thats what they want. But we didnt really sit down and work out how much more it would cost or change how we pay for things. We just carried on as before and now we are struggling even more.

He has debt repayments as well, credit cards and a loan from before, which come to around £500 a month. He says those are fixed payments and have to be paid so theres not much he can do about them. I agree they need paying but it means a lot of his wages are already spoken for before we have even bought food or put petrol in the car. His overtime isnt guaranteed either so some months he gets less than £3200.

I dont know if we are just spending too much or if this is what it costs to run a house with this many kids now. We dont have expensive holidays or go out much. The kids have clubs and school things to pay for, they grow out of clothes and shoes, the little ones need nappies and all that. Then theres always something else, a birthday or a school trip or something needs replacing.

We dont have a joint account and neither of us has a proper idea of what the other has left after bills. He thinks he pays most of the money out because the rent and bills come out of his account, and I feel like Im constantly spending mine on everyone and everything and never have anything left. We have never actually added everything up together which I know sounds stupid.

I dont want this to turn into me saying he shouldnt buy his hobby stuff or that his girls cost too much, because thats not what I mean. I just dont see how we can both be working and bringing that much in and still be skint all the time. Is £235 actually ridiculous for a weekly shop for this many people or do I need to look properly at what Im spending? And how do other people split everything when there are children from previous relationships as well?

For gods sake don’t have another baby. OP you are probably getting a hard time but like others I found it baffling that you chose to bring more children into this and then seem surprise you’re skint. At any point did you not both consider the fact you already had 4 between you which is already a bigger family than most.

Your food shop could possibly be cut but it also sounds like he’s clueless about budgeting and looking to blame you. Food prices have gone up massively in the last few years I don’t even want to know how much our monthly food bill is. If he is that keen to jump on the food shop … ask him how he proposes cutting back. Would he happily go vegetarian? Cut out any convenience food? Alcohol? Would he be happy to eat homemade soups and bean stews that kind of thing? You both need to understand exactly where your money is going and what is reasonable to cut back on. Sounds like at the moment it is guesswork and finger pointing.

Absolutely! Stepchange is good advice. They really need help with financial planning.

That's not how UC works.

If you don't understand stuff it's best not to offer advice.

We have six adults in our house and don't spend anything like that sort of money on food.

You can get debt advice to see if the payments can be reduced.

This exactly - we do this now and we each have our own “allowance” of £200 per month to do with as we so please and everything else goes into a pot which is for EVERYTHING. It isn’t fair for him to say you spend too much on x, y, z but then you done have access to each other’s accounts and he is spending willy nilly on hobbies!
you will really start to see what you waste money on if it is from your own “pot”, whether it is going out for coffee with friends or buying airfix stuff

Food shopping really does depend on what you eat and where you shop.
Do you have any dietary restrictions or fussy eaters?

Your problem is you have a financially illiterate partner who is prioritising his hobby over his children. Putting things on a credit card that isn't being paid in full every month, he might as well be throwing his money away.

£235 on food and household for 8 is fuck all per person. It is £25/head by the time you remove toiletries, nappies etc. And will only go up as the kids get older.

I agree with everyone else that you need to list out every single outgoing and work out what is essential vs what is nice to have (Airfix models being a prime example of the latter). 10% of income servicing his debt needs to stop, cut up the credit card so no more can be added.

This needs to be a team effort that you are in together, not a battleground.

As someone who has both worked for Universal Credit and, until recently, received it, I beg to differ. I understand it very well and based on the information OP has shared, this family will be entitled to it.

So, be quiet.

Not going to post my list, but we do npt eat a typical British diet. Mostly lentils, vegetables of every kind, eggs, dairy, greens, paneer, rice... Toiletries are basic and we don't have a very large house, so cleaning supplies last longer. We are a 'lentilweaver' family, and also deliberately gave up our car to have more hobby money as we are in London anyway.

Nappies are expensive. Would terry nappies be ok? I used them for my DD. But I only had one in nappies at a time. Better for the environment

You are doing astoundingly well to feed 8 people for that weekly amount. Your husband is being a complete dick, frankly.

We have a similar income but only four of us and yes, its tight. Our mortgage is about £400 more than your rent though and we live semi-rurally and need two cars so have high costs related to that, especially now with petrol. We also have costs associated one of our children's medical needs, which is expensive, though we are apparently not eligible for any benefits to help pay for that.

But anyway, you'd expect with an income of 5k you would be pretty comfortable but we are not. We haven't had a holiday for years either.

“I said if he wants to do the food shop and feed all of us for less then he can have a go because its easy to criticise when you arent the one trying to make meals out of whats left in the fridge. That probably didnt help the conversation.”

Why? You should seriously get him to do this.

Every time he negs you for buying “too many nappies” (FFS what an arsehole)

Ask him how much interest he pays on his debts per month? That should shut the twat up.

"Their mum isnt paying maintenance at the moment."

That's shocking. You need to get her to start paying for her kids, whom she just dumped on you. That could go a good way to reducing the burden for you.

The brutal answer is that you have 6 kids between you- you need to be earning more money, both of you. £5k a month isn’t a rubbish household income in general but for 8 people it is just nowhere near enough. You need more money, especially as your younger kids get older, or you will always be struggling.

Both of you should go to charity that helps with budgeting and do a proper breakdown on finances and outgoings.

more than asking the mum to pay for the kids, surely previously DP was paying some maintenance and is now not having to, so should have at least that amount to contribute to the household costs?

Its definitely a honest discussion with DP time, he's clearly in cloud cuckoo land - and yes six kids cost a lot but the most recent two were a joint decision, are non returnable, and need to be paid for, so everyone needs to be onboard with working it out.

For people who seem to think rent cannot be that cheap, or that OP should have refused to have his kids move in, yes there are clearly places where that's the market rent (and even places where rent is lower than the local average) and if the OP had refused to let them move in and posted about it she would have been handed her arse on a plate. Mumsnet is so fickle sometimes.

I’m surprised the food shop for 8 people isn’t more expensive!
how dare he blame you for overspending when it’s his massive debt payment and his airfix spends that are costing way more.
sit down together, go through all of both your statements and credit cards. Is his debt reducing or increasing. His debt repayment would buy two food shops a month !
take your 2 year old out of nappies and then you’ve only the baby in nappies - consider reusable nappies. I’ve just potty trained my just -turned 2 year old.

Depend more on lentils and beans etc for protein as you can make lovely meals.

Sorry, I misread you as saying the husband's lack of feck disqualified from UC.

As a recently retired Help to Claim adviser my nonsense detector went of scale.

Do you have any community larders near you? thats might help with the food budget?

we have one near us and it has meat, veg and bread so helps the food bill

I shop at Aldi mostly, sometimes Asda if I need bits Aldi dont have. I have tried to plan meals because he keeps saying I need to so this is what ive got for the week. The £235 included household bits and nappies as well not just food.

I got 2 big packs of nappies (2 different sizes, 2yo is potty trained but needs nappies overnight still), wipes, nappy bags, washing powder, fabric conditioner, toilet roll, kitchen roll, washing up liquid, dishwasher tablets, shampoo, shower gel, toothpaste and handwash. Also bin bags and some cleaning stuff as we were running out.

Food wise milk, bread, wraps, cereal, porridge oats, butter, cheese, yoghurt, eggs, bananas, apples, grapes, satsumas, potatoes, carrots, broccoli, cucumber, peppers, onions, mushrooms, lettuce, tomatoes, frozen peas, frozen sweetcorn, tins of beans, chopped tomatoes, pasta, rice, noodles, baked beans, spaghetti hoops, tuna, soup, stock cubes and passata. Got chicken thighs, chicken breasts, mince, sausages, bacon, fish fingers, frozen fish, ham and a big pack of beef burgers. Also crisps, biscuits, crackers, squash and a couple of little treats for the kids but it wasn’t all snacks/junk.

Meal plan is:
Tonight - sausage mash and veg
Sat - chicken wraps with salad and wedges
Sun - mince and potatoes with veg
Mon - pasta bolognese
Tues - jacket potatoes with beans/cheese and tuna
Wed - chicken and rice
Thurs - fish fingers, chips and peas

Lunches are sandwiches or wraps, fruit and yoghurt, the older ones have school dinners some days too. Breakfast is cereal or toast mostly. Obviously the little ones dont eat all the same things and DS2 is fussy with some stuff so I do have to have things he will eat.

I dont think its an extravagant shop but maybe im wrong. The nappies were a big part of it but we do need them and I thought it made sense to get them while we were there rather than having to go back.

I am back at work yes, nursery for the little ones is part of the costs and it does come out of my money. I dont know the exact figure off the top of my head. He was paying maintenance for his girls before they moved in but thats stopped now obviously. He gets child benefit for them.

We do buy second hand clothes and things, im not buying everything new for 6 kids. I know we need to sit down and go through the bills properly, I just wanted to know if the shop was actually unreasonable because he made me feel like id spent a fortune on things we dont need.

I also think the ex-wife should pay maintenance but I assume that it is hard to get maintenance from someone who won't pay, as many posts here by wives show.

There's only one way to know how much you are spending - tracking. Start tracking every £ you both spend, then set aside some time each month to go through it and determine if you're happy with where it's going or where you should tweak.
All the best.

£235 for 8 is really good going.
Has he seen prices recently?
On your wage, if you're covering all the food, that's a massive chunk.
First things first, do everything you can to avoid more debt.
You do need to sit down and have a conversation about what's going where.
Do you do an online shop? Could you do the order together so he gets a picture of how much it costs?

Why isn’t his ex-wife paying maintenance? He needs to get onto CMS.