Partner says my Child Benefit should go towards his bills as well

[PrimeCrush]

Been arguing about this since yesterday and wondering if im being unreasonable.

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and living together about 18 months. I have a ds who is 7 from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time and sees his dad alternate Saturdays. My partner has no children of his own.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, food etc but dont put all our wages in there. He earns more than me so he puts in £1000 a month and I put in £650. We agreed this when we moved in and its been fine up until now. We both keep the rest of our money in our own accounts.

I get child benefit for ds and it goes into my account. I use it for his school stuff, clothes, shoes, trips and all the little things that seem to come up constantly when you have a child. His dad pays £180 maintenance a month which helps but it doesnt cover everything and he buys him presents separately as well. Ive never really thought about putting the child benefit into our joint account because its for ds.

Anyway our joint account was a bit lower than usual this month because a few bills came out close together and my partner said I should start paying my child benefit into it. His argument is that ds lives here and uses the heating, eats the food etc so its not fair that I keep that money to myself when we’re supposed to be a family.

I said I already pay £650 a month towards the bills and food and he earns more than me so thats why we agreed on different amounts in the first place. He said thats not the point and if we had a child together the benefit would go into the joint account so he doesnt see why it should be different just because ds isnt biologically his.

I do get what he means to a point. Obviously ds uses things in the house and my partner does buy food he eats and things like that. Im not saying he should have to pay for everything for my child. But I also dont think the answer is that money I get to help bring up ds should automatically be used to cover bills when we already have an arrangement.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family. Thats not how I see it at all, but now Im wondering if Im being unfair.

Should child benefit go into a joint account when you’re living with someone who isnt the child’s parent?

@snackatack I assume you don't have a child? If OP was on benefits the state would give her £330 a month UC and child benefit purely for the additional everyday costs of one child. That does not increased costs for housing benefit or council tax.
Children are expensive.

OPs partner on the other hand has loads of personal spending money given his modest wage.

You seem happy to accept that he acts like a family by contributing more because he earns more but then won't act like that and put the child benefit in. I think he's got a point.

But then I don't think he should be paying proportional to wage unless you actually are a family. Why should he subsidise you and your child?

This is nonsense. Child benefit is money to help with the cost of raising children. Housing and bills are obviously things children need. It is not earmarked money for shoes, school trips and savings.

Such as providing heat, light, water and food and a roof over their head for a child?

So take money from the son so the man's personal spending can stay high in spite of rising bills? What a prince

The child doesn't have any money. It would be OP spending more of her money on her and her child's living expenses. Don't be so dramatic.

I see his point. Op there are two of you and one of him. Your dp shouldn't be subsidising your son's living costs. You are already receiving money specifically for that.

Yes this. Can’t have the income going in but not the expenses it pays for.

It is money given to OP for her son's expenses.
The partner already has a lot more personal spending money than OP and her son. Bills are going up. Instead of the partner paying more, he wants to take money OP gets for her son. Money she uses for costs like school uniform and shoes.

It is absolutely taking money from the son to keep his personal spending pot high for his modest wage.

I think you need to check your maths.

😄🤣🤣🤣

You've not said much about the situation with your ex OP, but it may be that you should speak to him about increasing his contribution. I know you've said you don't want to get into it. But your DP atm is paying more for DS than either of his parents, so one can see how that might grate when £180 buys increasingly little. When was that contribution last increased, if ever?

(I appreciate there could be a backstory here that makes conversation an obvious bad idea/no go, but if there isn't and it's more about not wanting to rock the boat then you might reconsider).

If you wouldn't be living with him you would get UC + housing benefits so I don't see how you're better off with him.

Anyway tell him you are happy to put all money together but that he has to understand that DS needs has to come from the joint account in that case whereas you have paid for it seperately up to now. I'm sure that will make him think twice.

Also why isn't his dad having him overnight? That's quite unusual.

I actually agree with your partner. Your child is a household expense and you should be making an effort to cover his expenses. Your ex pays money for the upkeep of a home for your child plus his personal expenses and it is also why you get child benefit. It's not pocket money.
He's already giving you a break as you earn less. You should be paying more as there is 2 of you. You should probably be coughing up the maintenence and keeping the child benefit as that should be enough for incidentals so just paying in the benefit sounds like a good deal.

You both currently pay 45% income into the joint account but you then get the additional money on top. Your income is lower as you work part time so think it’s only fair you include the child benefit and maintenance as part of income for determining the split.

Thats what i was thinking if the CB goes in the pot then all the child cost come out the pot, inc clothes etc.

To me, the bottom line is that

1. the joint account isn’t enough to cover the bills.
2. the child’s dad isn’t contributing enough

DP’s solution seems to be for the CB to go into the joint account
OP’s solution seems to be, well, nothing.

so where does the extra money come from to cover the bills? Surely not the DP?

Or find another woman who is single and doesn’t expect me to provide for her son.

She works part time but she also does all the unpaid housework…

Yep but that’s not what this man has chosen.

But the point people keep missing is that most household expenses are incurred regardless of whether you have children or not - rent, bills etc. - extra costs in this area from having one primary age child are negligible.
It’s the expenses such as school uniform, shoes, clubs, trips etc that make the difference (plus food bill when you have multiple teenage children eating adult sized portions.)

I just think women should take a look from a male perspective in these instances. The OP doesn’t say he does all the housework. She said she “probably” does more. So I will take that as 50/50 on housework. That’s very kind of him to offer any childcare. The biological dad sounds like a waste of space and he needs to be financially providing for your child as if I were your partner I’d be resentful of shouldering the burden for a child I didn’t create.

Nobody is missing this point. If it makes people feel better, OP should keep her child benefit and top up the bills pot with a different £100.

You think “I probably do more” is synonymous with “we do an equal amount”?!

Do you understand English?

Also if you’re resentful of taking on a child you didn’t create, then you don’t choose to move in with a woman and her child.

That's a fair summary.
OP seems unwilling to change either her agreement with her DS's dad or her agreement with her partner despite the fact they were made some time ago and costs have gone up.

But she's not happy to contribute more herself either.
So what's the solution?