Partner says my Child Benefit should go towards his bills as well

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Been arguing about this since yesterday and wondering if im being unreasonable.

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and living together about 18 months. I have a ds who is 7 from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time and sees his dad alternate Saturdays. My partner has no children of his own.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, food etc but dont put all our wages in there. He earns more than me so he puts in £1000 a month and I put in £650. We agreed this when we moved in and its been fine up until now. We both keep the rest of our money in our own accounts.

I get child benefit for ds and it goes into my account. I use it for his school stuff, clothes, shoes, trips and all the little things that seem to come up constantly when you have a child. His dad pays £180 maintenance a month which helps but it doesnt cover everything and he buys him presents separately as well. Ive never really thought about putting the child benefit into our joint account because its for ds.

Anyway our joint account was a bit lower than usual this month because a few bills came out close together and my partner said I should start paying my child benefit into it. His argument is that ds lives here and uses the heating, eats the food etc so its not fair that I keep that money to myself when we’re supposed to be a family.

I said I already pay £650 a month towards the bills and food and he earns more than me so thats why we agreed on different amounts in the first place. He said thats not the point and if we had a child together the benefit would go into the joint account so he doesnt see why it should be different just because ds isnt biologically his.

I do get what he means to a point. Obviously ds uses things in the house and my partner does buy food he eats and things like that. Im not saying he should have to pay for everything for my child. But I also dont think the answer is that money I get to help bring up ds should automatically be used to cover bills when we already have an arrangement.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family. Thats not how I see it at all, but now Im wondering if Im being unfair.

Should child benefit go into a joint account when you’re living with someone who isnt the child’s parent?

Another vote for no, it’s for YOUR CHILD

Except OP has already said she is better off financially with the current arrangement than she was previously living separately.

Keep that CB going into your account. A child costs far more than that. He sounds resentful and manipulative.

Not a man to have a child with that's for sure.
That money is for your child.
Do not get pregnant with him.
You are very vulnerable as it is.
A pregnancy would really make you even more vulnerable.

If the OP wants to increase her disposable income she has more than one choice. She can increase her income by working or ask the father of the child to contribute more. She can look at ways to reduce their living costs.

If he didn’t live with the OP he could live in a cheaper place, live with a friend or maybe another partner. He could be way better off.

Difficult one OP and whatever happens, you shouldn't have to justify what you spend on your child.
Chilldren are expensive and spending on clothes shoes, school trips etc is hughly variable.
I can see both POV.
I think you are fortunate to be working part time with a 7 year old. I am saying that from my perspective, I raised my son alone and working part time wasn't an option. I appreciate the challenges of cc and wrap around care.
If you did put the cb into joint account, would you be struggling financially?
And would you be able to use the joint account for your son's purchases if needed, without scrutiny??
All points to consider?
Don't let this fester and resentment will only make it worse.
Wishing you well OP.

I wouldn’t be happy if I were him putting almost double what you do into the pot so he is effectively financially raising as you repeatedly put, “your” son.

I don't pay the child benefit into a joint account even though we have a child together. I do usually end up spending it each month on say a big food shop for us all, so we all are benefitting from it, but its never been an issue. I remember DP saying after I had our daughter something along the lines of "you went through all the pregnancy and birth, and working part time, you keep it". He trusts me to make sensible decisions with how its spent. He's never questioned me about it really.

So he could always live alone, pay full rent and bills on a smaller property as well as doing all his own cleaning, laundry, shopping and cooking, instead of having significant contribution from the OP in these areas.

Most men eat significantly more than most women and expect more expensive, more labour intensive meals - how many times do you see on here 'I would just have an omelette or a baked potato for dinner but DP expects a big meaty cooked meal every night'. I wonder if this is accounted for in the division of costs?

You need to sit down and draw up a proper joint budget that gives you a buffer. Child benefit and your salary (and maintenance if you get any) together are your income, it's nonsense to treat them as separate budgets.

So if the step parent is a high earner and the biological parent doesn’t work the family won’t be entitled to universal credit - how would the child live without the step-parent’s support? On the £108 child benefit? If the state didn’t expect the step parent to support them they would have to offer benefits to the biological parent no matter how high the step parents income.

Not only does the state expect step-parents to support children they expect them to support adults. In the scenario above a step child at university could be given the minimum maintenance loan - that doesn’t even cover their rent, based on the step-parents earnings.

Or if OP lived alone with her son, she could choose to work increased hours ( with all additional cc costs and school clubs), as many single mothers have done.
It works both ways and not every single parent chooses to work part-time to access uc.
I am aware that people who work full time are entitled to uc too.

Lots of things aren't being approached in the right way here.

Financially, you are having your cake and eating it, a little (I mean, we aren't talking about huge sums of money here) - if you weren't with DP, could you afford to work p/t and maintain the lifestyle you have? You couldn't. With a 7 yo, you would almost certainly need to work f/t, or seek more contributions from his father (which you should do, regardless as this is a tiny amount).

So by living with DP, you are benefitting from his financial contribution.

You need to regard the maintenance and child benefit as part of your overall income, and then with DP, plan a budget that includes how much you need to spend on your DS. That money needs to be allocated, and will influence how much you can contribute to other household costs.

From a relationship point of view, it doesn't sound like you both are properly addressing the issues at play - exactly what is his role in your and your DS life? If he is living with you, is he fully considering you a family of 3 or (as it sounds like), DS is very much 'yours' and he is a unit himself. I am never a fan of these blended arrangements, as ultimately it's the children who are impacted most.

I'd really be careful about your own financial situation. You need to work out how much you need to live, not just now, but you and DS should this relationship end. You need to make sure you have some buffer / savings in case your situation changed suddenly.

She already is not paying her fair share so her DP is already subsidising her and the son.

so you expect him to just pay more in but not her?

not very fair that?

it seems budgets were set & plucked out of thin air, including on how much the childs father pays in maintenance. Its time for the OP to sot down & work out budgets & also check CMS to find out how much the childs father should be paying. He should also step up & help with the child more but thats by the by

He does have a point that he buys things for your son too, however when moving in together he would hopefully have thought about that too. The child maintenance and child benefit are designed to go towards housing, food, etc that the child needs, which at the moment you are paying less for but with your DS are using much more of, however contributions were agreed in advance.

I would say to him that if the child benefit was to go into the joint account, you would also need to pay for a number of your sons expenses from that account, like school uniform, maybe other clothes, school trips. You could budget out what this has cost you over the last year or so, and then compare what that would do to the joint account.

Another way you could budget it would be to consider your income as a whole, the child benefit, maintenance and your income, reportion your contributions but if he wants all the child payments into the joint account, expenses also come out of that account.

I expect the above won't be agreeable for your partner, but will hopefully open his eyes to the costs of raising a child and that by adding the money and the expenses, the account is likely in a worse position, assuming as you expect you are also adding a chunk of your own funds in.

I suspect you both will need to up your contributions by a bit, and plan to every 6-12 months, as the cost of living increases with inflation and energy prices are rocketing, your original agreement probably just doesn't cover the costs anymore.

My kids CB goes into a savings account for their future driving lessons/car/insurance etc.....could you not do something like that?

The child benefit is solely for your child.

If this is your partner's attitude, I'd be making plans to leave.

To be fair I think you are onto a pretty good deal if your share of general expenses for you and your child is £650. I know kids cost a lot but surely part of maintenance/child allowance is for the general maintenance of the child including food/heating etc so it's reasonable to allocate a proportion for these things. Mother's often mention the practical basics when they talk of the true cost of bringing up a child when considering maintenance awards.
Also you mention that it costs more than the maintenance and child benefit to keep your child with the cost of school shoes/trips etc etc.Of course it does. The maintenance and child benefit isn't supposed to cover all your son's costs. The maintenance is your ex's half. If you are putting in the same £180 per month plus the child benefit that is quite a lot of monthly clothes / incidentals etc if it is not to cover food ect which you consider already paid for within your £650 household contribution.

From your thread

You make
1450 - pay
108 - child benefit
180 - child maintenance
TOTAL: 2188 a month

He is paid: 2200

So once you take all your incoming amounts into account you earn near enough the same _ but he pays more into the joint account
so you are paid £12 difference a month

I'm not sure how you decided to pay so much less in than him. I know you say you buy things for your son - but could you pay the same as him into the joint account if you use that to buy his things?

currently you are 'saving' 338 a month for your son - are you really spending that much on him ?

It's called 'Child Benefit' for a reason, in that it should be used for the benefit of the child.

I'd be having a long, hard think about whether this relationship is a goer.

Undoubtedly he is also better off than when he previously lived alone.

Should he be entitled to the child benefit in the joint account? No. He already has far more money to keep to himself than she does, and she pays for almost all the child-related costs while he keeps his personal money to spend on himself.

If the joint account no longer covers their household bills then they should both increase their contribution.

He's saying he wants your son to contribute to the running costs of the house and you should be responsible for that. He has a point that you and your son are two people and he is one. I think you both should have thought about it when you agreed the split, or was it considered at the time? How was the split worked out? Same % of income is the usual, perhaps you should pay a bit more than that to cover your son as well or include all your and your son's income before calculating the split. It doesn't sound like it would make a huge difference really. So a bit nit picking of the new partner and maybe doesn't bode well for the future, but it really depends how you arrived at the original figures.

Feeding a child and keeping a roof over their head are generally considered to be for the benefit of the child.

OP works 30 hours a week. More hours would increase childcare costs and may not be worth it for the extra stress it would cost a de facto single parent doing the childcare and majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry.
If you are a single parent 30 hours is classed as full time work.

Yes, and the child benefit is generally paid to the primary carer for the benefit of the child, not to contribute to household bills when the person receiving it earns far less than their non-parent partner.