Feeling like I’ve failed because I don’t earn a lot of money. But neither do most people!

[bushproblems]

I’m going to come back to this thread daily and remind myself that the majority of the UK is not earning £100k+

In the past few months, I’ve been consumed with the feeling that I’m a total failure in my life because I earn below the average wage in the UK of £37k, . I don’t have £400k in stocks and shares and a maxed out pension pot. I have about £13k in my pension!

I’ve been looking around my house and it’s not a 4 bed detached with the huge living/kitchen/diner, bifolds and separate utility room, which is what I’m basing a “successful life” on, for some reason, and it’s been making me feel rubbish.

But actually, I have a lovely home! And yes it’s mortgaged and needs new carpet, but it’s actually perfect for me. I don’t know why I’ve got it in my head that I need more. My job is pretty boring and not very well paid, but it’s keeping the roof over my head and I’d be fucked with out it.

I’m not sure if anyone else on here has been feeling the same, because a lot of women on MN seem to have high paying, successful careers, but I definitely need to try and be more positive about what I do have.

I understand how you feel even of it isnt rational. My lids went to primary school in a small village - one of the post expensive postcodes in our county. A lot of thier friends had massive houses with acres of land, swimming pools or horse stables etc!!!
we have a 4 bed ex-council house and household income is less than 100k.

but we need to remember that there are plenty of people unable to get a mortgage and own thier own home, some over crowded or living in temporary accommodation etc.

I take what people say on here with a very big pinch of salt. I tend to look at my family and friends if I’m going to question how I’m doing and in that context I’m doing ok. People can, and do, lie online all the time.

According to mumsnet most people earn into six figures, and no one has credit card or consumer debt. A quick fact check tells you a tiny percentage of people earn, and consumer debt in the uk is a massive issue. I believe the stats.

Comparison is the theft of joy. MN is weird about money and earnings. I saw a thread where OP was on £150k and was on about cancelling her Netflix as she could not afford to live.
Also, if you say you are on NMW, you get people asking why you are not earning more. We needpeople to do the low paid work. It just seems that they are not allowed to post on MN.

When I worked, I was on NMW, and was on that for years (dead end jobs). If I work again, then I will be on the same.

What! If I was on £150k a year I’d be absolutely ecstatic.

if I was earning £40k I’d be over the moon.

Remember, people with high salaries are more likely to respond to a thread about salaries. It’s not an accurate sample size. Just like people who leave reviews are usually those disgruntled with something.

I would too, but I don’t think it was my post you meant to quite

Comparison is the thief of joy isn’t it. I felt like this. Then I went and worked away as a midwife in Zanzibar for 8 weeks. It was transformative and I will never not appreciate what I have ever again.

totally get where you are coming from in that sense.

I was scrolling on TikTok recently and saw a creator doing an ad for one of those budgeting apps. Her video was basically ‘how our family budgets our household income of £4600 p/m’ which happens to be our take home too. All of the 200+ comments below were people saying things like ‘as if you need to budget if your household income is £4600 p/m’ and ‘what do you both do to earn that much’ and then inevitably 1 or 2 show off comments saying ‘I could never live off so little’

to us £4600 is a struggle as our mortgage is £1100, bills are extortionate, I need a reliable car for my lengthy commute, foods going up… bla bla bla. But to other people whose lives are set up to live off half of that amount they see 2k of ‘spare’ money.
it’s all relative and you design your life and spending around the money you have don’t you.
it was interesting to see, especially as me and my husband both earn about £38.5k each which is basically the average UK salary which I believe is £39k… we are average, but incredibly fortunate still.

I love my none mansion house too, very grateful for the opportunities we have and the life we have built.

I feel out of place in my office. Over half of our small team are very well off. i get the impression they just come to work for the social side of it and some pin money. One is married to a CEO, one has a family trust fund etc. I try not to think about it too much but do feel a bit resentful when they are talking about their long haul trips and regular European weekend breaks. All working part time as well whilst I'm slogging away full time.
I do think mumsnet gives a very skewed idea of what people earn though.

Nmw is the reality for millions of workers.

Well I’m 50 something on NMW. Single mum. Living in rented accommodation.
So I’d say if you feel like you’ve failed then god only knows what you think about me!

I think I’ve found the influencer sweet spot

following billionaires and models and actresses

not following ‘relatable’ influencers

i know that I will never be becca bloom and it doesn’t bother me watching her open her giant flowers 😂😂

but seeing a cleaning influencer or the like, who’s making loads of money, pretending to be regular but in expensive clothes/cars etc, makes me feel like I should be doing more

you aren’t doing badly at all op x

If you’re happy with your life then you definitely haven’t failed .

I do earn very highly I’m not unhappy but I’d love to meet someone special, then I’d be very happy !
I appreciate that I’m fortunate though I work long hours .

I'm not sure that success or failure in life can ever be measured in monetary terms.

I tend to think success or failure in life can be measured more in how kind you are, how decently you've treated others, how hard you've worked to make other lives better. Things like that.

How much money you make, to me, means nothing in terms of How I judge myself and others. How you treat others says a lot more about you than what your salary does.

I believe Mumsnet was set up as a chat forum for middle class London type mums - so naturally people from that kind of background earn a lot of money. If you have a job in the City in banking or something you can "easily" earn £70k

"Easily" may cost a pound of flesh but you get my gist, hopefully.

it’s hard to be satisfied with what you have. Even the people on £100k with a nice 4 bed house look at the people one rung above them and feel a failure in comparison.

They look at the person with the Lamborghini, with the house with a pool and a tennis court, with the fancier holidays and their name and picture on the website of the big company.

There’s always someone who has more, has done better, looks happier etc.

It’s best to try and be satisfied with what you have.

If you earn more, the job is likely very high pressured and very stressful.

Unlikely you'd be jumping for joy. More likely just exhausted, bleary eyed and not know if you're coming or going.

People who earn a low stress wage that is enough for their outgoings will never understand the piece of mind they have.

Honestly if you earn £100k you pay so much tax it really isn’t the sweet spot you think it is. We are basically supporting everyone else. Earning £100k doesn’t mean you get to keep £100k…

The UK median full time salary is approximately £39k a year. That means half of all full time workers earn below and up to that. The range of salaries in that group is quite small, ranging from NMW which gives an annual salary of about £25k to the median of £39k. However half of all workers earn more than that and that group have a huge range of salaries as the sky's the limit.

Whether you feel well off or as if you're not doing so well depends on the people in your friends and family circle and the nature of their work. If you're in your forties and your friends and family are lawyers, doctors, finance, senior management, tech etc, then it's perfectly normal to easily earn £100k and usually more. However if all your friends and family are shop workers and cleaners then those salaries would seem unbelievable.

I earn well but am always just blown away by the private school threads and how there seems to be so many people able to spend £30k a year on school fees for multiple kids - to be point that getting into the top private schools is incredibly hard!

I’m super jealous of your house I’d love a house and garden (live in a flat)

I do find it difficult at work, for example, every week people come in and ask what did everyone do at the weekend and I can never contribute as I rarely do anything; nothing changes, I don't go out for meals or see shows etc., I have 2 winter outfits and 2 summer outfits, one pair of shoes, one handbag, one coat and so on, have to look at the month and think can I afford petrol to visit a relative an hour away and still get a coffee in a garden centre. I can pay my rent and bills (purely because adult DD currently lives with me so we can split costs) and buy my shopping but when faced with people who've spent the whole weekend at events and have 4 or 5 trips abroad each year I too feel like I'm failing (in my 60s now so finances unlikely to get any better). I don't have other friends who live at my sort of pay check to pay check existence - most are doing really well. But of course, I do have what I need to get by and my kids, so just have to get on with it.

Comparison, and basic income to get by on, are certainly the thieves of joy!

Be consoled by the fact that if inequality is high in society then everyone suffers. Read ‘the spirit level’.
One reason for that is constant comparison produces stress which impacts upon health.
Try to be happy with what you have or move to a more equal society. Sweden for example, or Japan.

You can easily look at ONS stats to work out roughly where you are on the distribution curve for income. You can also do the where do you fit in test that the Institute of Fiscal studies has available online. I have never earned 150k and nor has my DH but he has two old University friends that earn that and much more though no exact figures, both in banking and one of my friends partners will earn that sort of money, corporate lawyer. His two friends both have Doctorates from Cambridge in STEM subjects and my friends partner won a scholarship to study in America about 30 year ago and stayed for many years.

OP, I used to feel like that. Ever since ds started school, I've felt like the poor relation compared to the other mums nearby. I'm single, so we have one not very large salary, elderly car, slightly scruffy house, very scruffy fence, no flash holidays. Definitely need new carpets.But our home is warm, comfy, clean, and happy.

Now our dcs are all reaching adulthood, a few of my new car, bifold friends are divorcing and finding it tough to live on one income, buy a house on their own etc. They seem to have a lot of debt.

I find myself giving advice on how to get by on much less money which is weird. I feel lucky that I have more security than they do.

Take pleasure in what you have.If your dcs are well fed, happy and safe, you are doing a good job. Be proud of that.

I'm 66 and will be renting for the rest of my life, and I never go on holiday and don't own a car. I'm retired now but never earned big money - and I couldn't care less. Would I like a house/flat of my own? Of course I would but it's not going to happen. I do have money in the bank but it came via inheritance. Do I feel like a failure - no I don't because wealth has never meant success to me. I worked to pay the bills and never wanted a stressful better paying job, nor one which took more of my time.