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Original poster

Adults giving crazy money for gifts.

85 replies

rosie44 · 07/01/2026 15:22

Hello,
Looking for some reassurance that I'm not the silly one here! My husband & I have a tiny house, one little toddling girl together.

Hubby also has a son, who turned 18 in the last week of November. The son's mother is also remarried, and they all live together.

Now I'm a big fan of Christmas, but not keen on buying large expensive presents, I just don't think it's necessary.
I do give my husband's son small gifts of money - £20 - at birthdays & Christmases.

This year, he was turning 18, and he wanted a quad bike. That's obviously a very expensive item, but he has saved up half the money he wants from two part-time jobs from the last year. Now he is 18, he also has access to the savings account set up for him by his parents.

I have no problem with a teenager saving up for something he wants, but the response from the adults around him seemed crazy to me. He has two parents, a step-father, and two grandparents, all of whom decided they must pitch in to contribute enough money that he can spend £6000 on this item which he wants - meaning the contribution between them all, over the birthday and Christmas, would be about £3000 in total.

I have said nothing harsh or unkind about this, but I did politely explain that I would not be handing over 100's (or 1000's!) of pounds as a Christmas present, and in my opinion it's odd for other people to do so - especially in the case of the step-father, who is not even related to the boy & has only known him 2 years.

None of these people are particularly wealthy- it's been a tricky year for us economically, the boy's mum works in a shop, the grandparents are not really well-off.

This is not my money, my husband gifted the money from his own account, and to be honest it's not the money which bothers me- it's the principle which feels wrong.
I would never want my daughter to be showered with money for frivolous things in this way.

I understand my husband wanting to do all he can for his son... but I just feel this is encouraging false expectations, lack of understanding of money and value, and careless spending.

He rarely contacts his dad, makes little effort to spend time with him, doesn't get on with his mum, and doesn't help out when he stays at our house. I feel that at the very least, there should be some level of reciprocity (e.g, helping to fix the car, mow the lawn etc.)

We haven't talked about it since I stated my opinion, but the son is staying with us for a few days now, and although his behaviour is never bad, there is a low level of respect and helpfulness that is rubbing me the wrong way after seeing such generosity from the other adult family members.

Not really looking to revisit the subject with my husband or his son (I think), but does anyone have any advice or even just reassurance that my position here is... normal?
And how should I handle this sort of issue in the future? We never argue about money... and I don't want to start now.

OP posts:
MapleOakPine · 07/01/2026 19:34

That does seem like a lot of money and I don't think you should be expected to contribute - does DH think you should have?

I don't think it's right to link it to his behaviour though. Most parents do give their teens presents for birthday and Christmas even if they have a tricky relationship with them.

RecordBreakers · 07/01/2026 20:10

Everything @MapleOakPine said.

I do think that your dh handing over £3k for a present IS something you should have both discussed and come to some agreement on though, for, although you say it is out of 'his money', once you are married, and a family, how he spends sizeable amounts of money does impact on you, and your own dc.
I absolutely am NOT suggesting anyone abandons previous dc once in a new relationship, BUT £3k would pay for a holiday for you, so, unless you are extremely wealthy as a couple and can drop that sort of money without noticing, then what your dh spends "his" money on, IS relevant to the point.

Egglio · 07/01/2026 20:27

If it is your DH's money and it isn't from joint money then I think it has nothing to do with you. As long as your DH is providing for his DC shared with you, then whilst you might have an opinion on it, it's irrelevant really. Unless you're about to say that this meant you had no money as a family for food, rent etc.

Rosesarere · 07/01/2026 21:00

its a big birthday, I wouldn’t have a problem with this as long as I wasn’t expected to contribute.

PapaSatanicus · 07/01/2026 21:03

So it’s £1k from his dad, £1k from his mum and £1k from his grandparents?
For both birthday and christmas.

I don’t think that an enormous amount for an 18th birthday especially as it includes christmas… each to their own though.

an 18th birthday is different to a 17th or a 19th for example… but I’d have thought a gold necklace, bracelet or ring for £3k would have been more of an 18th present.

TheSalvadorsStickbymebaby · 07/01/2026 21:05

Full car licence required if it's driven on the road.

Sparkle123r · 07/01/2026 21:13

I don't think that is unreasonable given he's 18 and it's 5 people spending across birthday/Christmas. It's not a case of being well off or not. Some people must just prioritise differently to you. (We are not well off, but I save all year for Christmas)

You and your husband clearly have separate spending, so it's up to him what he spends it on.

Wait until your toddler is a teenager and see how far your £20 to her goes. I'll think you'll find that you may need to reassess your thoughts

Superstar22 · 07/01/2026 21:19

YABU

Clefable · 07/01/2026 21:24

So it’s £1000 each for his 18th birthday and Christmas? I don’t think that’s too bad tbh for a milestone birthday and covering both birthday and Christmas. I got £300 from my dad for Christmas and I am definitely not turning 18! It sounds like it isn’t shared money either.

What’s his dad’s perspective on it?

HighlandChipmunk · 07/01/2026 21:24

You’re entitled to your opinion, but others are also entitled to theirs. You can’t control how much others give as gifts and some of the money came from his dad’s own private spends so didn’t impact your family. If the stepdad wants to splash his cash that’s up to him, it’s not affecting you in any way. I can’t see the issue.

Allout123 · 07/01/2026 21:28

Does he have a car and drive? If not surely it would have been infinitely more sensible to spend the money on that.

Spending a grand on a child's 18th birthday isn't completely ridiculous, but buying a quad bike wouldn't be something i would be encouraging. It's great he's saved up half from working though - so I don't think you need to worry too much about him being 'showered with money'.

I don't think you can talk about reciprocity and him mowing the lawn for you when you had no interest in contributing though! In terms of reciprocity he owes you nothing! It's up to DH to decide what he needs to do to help out and to make the effort to keep their relationship strong. How much effort does DH actually make to do stuff with him? Any?

I think you have more of a DH problem tbh, than a DSS problem.

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 07/01/2026 21:46

I spent 6k on my son and it wasnt even a birthday or Christmas.

liamharha · 07/01/2026 21:46

rosie44 · 07/01/2026 15:22

Hello,
Looking for some reassurance that I'm not the silly one here! My husband & I have a tiny house, one little toddling girl together.

Hubby also has a son, who turned 18 in the last week of November. The son's mother is also remarried, and they all live together.

Now I'm a big fan of Christmas, but not keen on buying large expensive presents, I just don't think it's necessary.
I do give my husband's son small gifts of money - £20 - at birthdays & Christmases.

This year, he was turning 18, and he wanted a quad bike. That's obviously a very expensive item, but he has saved up half the money he wants from two part-time jobs from the last year. Now he is 18, he also has access to the savings account set up for him by his parents.

I have no problem with a teenager saving up for something he wants, but the response from the adults around him seemed crazy to me. He has two parents, a step-father, and two grandparents, all of whom decided they must pitch in to contribute enough money that he can spend £6000 on this item which he wants - meaning the contribution between them all, over the birthday and Christmas, would be about £3000 in total.

I have said nothing harsh or unkind about this, but I did politely explain that I would not be handing over 100's (or 1000's!) of pounds as a Christmas present, and in my opinion it's odd for other people to do so - especially in the case of the step-father, who is not even related to the boy & has only known him 2 years.

None of these people are particularly wealthy- it's been a tricky year for us economically, the boy's mum works in a shop, the grandparents are not really well-off.

This is not my money, my husband gifted the money from his own account, and to be honest it's not the money which bothers me- it's the principle which feels wrong.
I would never want my daughter to be showered with money for frivolous things in this way.

I understand my husband wanting to do all he can for his son... but I just feel this is encouraging false expectations, lack of understanding of money and value, and careless spending.

He rarely contacts his dad, makes little effort to spend time with him, doesn't get on with his mum, and doesn't help out when he stays at our house. I feel that at the very least, there should be some level of reciprocity (e.g, helping to fix the car, mow the lawn etc.)

We haven't talked about it since I stated my opinion, but the son is staying with us for a few days now, and although his behaviour is never bad, there is a low level of respect and helpfulness that is rubbing me the wrong way after seeing such generosity from the other adult family members.

Not really looking to revisit the subject with my husband or his son (I think), but does anyone have any advice or even just reassurance that my position here is... normal?
And how should I handle this sort of issue in the future? We never argue about money... and I don't want to start now.

£20 at birthdays and Xmas for a son is low .
We give my stepson 100 for birthday and Xmas he's 17 and 50 a month spending money .
We are.also sorting his driving lessons with his mum between us .
18th will probably be a piece of jewellery or money towards a car maybe 500 ISH .
We also have other kids he's my partner's only other child my only step child .
He's also coming abroad with us next year at our expense .

rememberingthem · 07/01/2026 21:53

Imo you are tight! £20 for Christmas and birthdays? Seriously?

RecordBreakers · 07/01/2026 23:50

liamharha · 07/01/2026 21:46

£20 at birthdays and Xmas for a son is low .
We give my stepson 100 for birthday and Xmas he's 17 and 50 a month spending money .
We are.also sorting his driving lessons with his mum between us .
18th will probably be a piece of jewellery or money towards a car maybe 500 ISH .
We also have other kids he's my partner's only other child my only step child .
He's also coming abroad with us next year at our expense .

Show quote history

Has it occurred to you that you might have a much healthier pot of spare money, than the OP ?

RecordBreakers · 07/01/2026 23:51

rememberingthem · 07/01/2026 21:53

Imo you are tight! £20 for Christmas and birthdays? Seriously?

That's the sort of money we spend on presents too.

It's not tight, it's sticking to a budget.

m00rfarm · 07/01/2026 23:58

RecordBreakers · 07/01/2026 20:10

Everything @MapleOakPine said.

I do think that your dh handing over £3k for a present IS something you should have both discussed and come to some agreement on though, for, although you say it is out of 'his money', once you are married, and a family, how he spends sizeable amounts of money does impact on you, and your own dc.
I absolutely am NOT suggesting anyone abandons previous dc once in a new relationship, BUT £3k would pay for a holiday for you, so, unless you are extremely wealthy as a couple and can drop that sort of money without noticing, then what your dh spends "his" money on, IS relevant to the point.

He did not hand over 3k. That was 3k from mother, father, step father, grand parents etc. Which is not unreasonable for an 18th.

liamharha · 08/01/2026 00:07

RecordBreakers · 07/01/2026 23:50

Has it occurred to you that you might have a much healthier pot of spare money, than the OP ?

Show quote history

But husband has given the money which suggests he has got a 'healthy pot' plus op says it's not about the money more the principle .
She's also said she doesn't gift significant sums of money because in her opinion it's odd .
I'm sure if giving more money was going to cause op and her family financial hardship she would of mentioned it .

mummygranny · 08/01/2026 01:41

I agree 1k for 18th Birthday and Christmas is within normal . However your husband knows your views on presents and although it came from his own money he should have spoken to you in more detail about his reason for doing this and why he believed it was not unreasonable. I hope you can still have that conversation

CamillaMcCauley · 08/01/2026 02:21

Good lord, it’s a big birthday (plus Christmas), the lad has saved hard himself and everyone involved is happy to contribute.

Are you usually this controlling when it comes to other people’s children?

hattie43 · 08/01/2026 02:28

I think it’s quite normal , he’s saved half himself through working and getting a bigger gift at 18 is not unusual . £20 for birthdays and Christmas is tight , what can a teenager honestly buy for £20. I don’t think it’s any different to parents by their child their first car . Lots do and it’s perfectly normal imo . If people cant afford to or don’t want to that’s also perfectly normal too . Do what you wish but if your question is what do people spend , you aren’t being generous and I would guess most people spend a lot more than £20 on a teenager .

MarxistMags · 08/01/2026 02:39

For a young man ? Jewelry ?
And fair play to him for saving up for half the bike himself.
And about £750 from GP's and his DD and DM. That is a lot of money but you're only 18 once. So IMO not unreasonable or over the top as a one off.

idontwanttomissathing · 08/01/2026 02:42

We (divorced but amicable) d) gave both our DD who’s now 27 And pregnant, and our DS now 20 and travelling, £4.5k each for their 18th and both bought cars. Ex h also paid their first years insurance, which was, more than the car for DS!
For 21st, DD got £1k from me, her dad and her grandparents (on my side as she’s inherited from her grandma (his side) so £3k, which she mostly invested after a lovely holiday obv.
My son is 21 next week and is travelling, currently in Thailand with girlfriend and friends. I’ll transfer him £1k as will my parents, his dad will prob xfer more as he has more money than I do. Just means our son can continue travelling which we both want him to do (we did the same at his age. And he’s qualified in his trade).
In my belief, you give your kids everything you can. My kids never paid a pound in rent to us, neither did me or my ex to our parents.
although I can hardly afford to send him £1k, I will. I’ll go without so that I can give him that.
My parents gave me £3k in 1989 on my 18th so I could go travelling (nan’s inheritance) and I will be forever grateful.
Currently now trying to find £1k for daughter’s baby bits! Just hope neither of them decide to get married soon. Cost my sister over £10k last year when her daughter got wed!

MarxistMags · 08/01/2026 02:44

@MapleOakPine The OP and husband aren't handing over £3K. It's a joint effort.

WinnerWinnerChickenDinnner · 08/01/2026 02:53

Money is not a problem you say, then why would you give a step-son £20 for a birthday? That's embarrassingly stingy.