Adults giving crazy money for gifts.

[rosie44]

Hello,
Looking for some reassurance that I'm not the silly one here! My husband & I have a tiny house, one little toddling girl together.

Hubby also has a son, who turned 18 in the last week of November. The son's mother is also remarried, and they all live together.

Now I'm a big fan of Christmas, but not keen on buying large expensive presents, I just don't think it's necessary.
I do give my husband's son small gifts of money - £20 - at birthdays & Christmases.

This year, he was turning 18, and he wanted a quad bike. That's obviously a very expensive item, but he has saved up half the money he wants from two part-time jobs from the last year. Now he is 18, he also has access to the savings account set up for him by his parents.

I have no problem with a teenager saving up for something he wants, but the response from the adults around him seemed crazy to me. He has two parents, a step-father, and two grandparents, all of whom decided they must pitch in to contribute enough money that he can spend £6000 on this item which he wants - meaning the contribution between them all, over the birthday and Christmas, would be about £3000 in total.

I have said nothing harsh or unkind about this, but I did politely explain that I would not be handing over 100's (or 1000's!) of pounds as a Christmas present, and in my opinion it's odd for other people to do so - especially in the case of the step-father, who is not even related to the boy & has only known him 2 years.

None of these people are particularly wealthy- it's been a tricky year for us economically, the boy's mum works in a shop, the grandparents are not really well-off.

This is not my money, my husband gifted the money from his own account, and to be honest it's not the money which bothers me- it's the principle which feels wrong.
I would never want my daughter to be showered with money for frivolous things in this way.

I understand my husband wanting to do all he can for his son... but I just feel this is encouraging false expectations, lack of understanding of money and value, and careless spending.

He rarely contacts his dad, makes little effort to spend time with him, doesn't get on with his mum, and doesn't help out when he stays at our house. I feel that at the very least, there should be some level of reciprocity (e.g, helping to fix the car, mow the lawn etc.)

We haven't talked about it since I stated my opinion, but the son is staying with us for a few days now, and although his behaviour is never bad, there is a low level of respect and helpfulness that is rubbing me the wrong way after seeing such generosity from the other adult family members.

Not really looking to revisit the subject with my husband or his son (I think), but does anyone have any advice or even just reassurance that my position here is... normal?
And how should I handle this sort of issue in the future? We never argue about money... and I don't want to start now.

£3k between them all for Christmas and his 18th? It’s not ‘crazy money’ at all imo.

When my son was 18, we bought him a car and lots of our family and friends gave him between £300 and £1k each.

It wasn’t your money so has nothing to do with you. If anyone said anything about how much money I gave my children, they would be told to keep their beak out.

If he has a bad attitude when at the house, that’s not ok and that needs sorting out.

The £20 was me trying to explain that I give small amounts of cash to children who are not my own (of which there are 6 in my life), at birthdays & Christmases.
I would have given him £20 for birthday plus £20 for Christmas at the very least, as I have done in previous years.

Everyone I know is struggling financially.

I don't think £20 is what a parent or grandparent "should" be giving for an 18th.
I was trying to explain that I usually give small cash gifts to the children in my life who are not actually my own.

An 18th probably does deserve more than £20, sure, but I'm surprised that £500 is considered a normal Christmas gift.

Hmm..

If ALL the adults of that kid thought that it would be a good idea for that child to matérialise what he wants and worked for…I am wandering why you come and ask why…? Or find it odd.

The answer is easy, coz they love him and they can.

Also, it isn’t a huge amount for some…especially broken down in that many. I hope they will also remind him the responsibilities that come with.

My DD is 18 in 2 months and I will be giving her £1000 for her savings account, same as I gave my son when he turned 18. Plus some gifts so probably £1350 ish. Her dad may or may not get something. He provides money in other ways (will be paying for uni). I personally would give more than £20 for a step child. £50 I think is more reasonable. I give my childhood friends DC £20, though have increased to £25 now and nieces / nephews £30. But if you can’t afford it, stick to £20. I personally think 6k for a quad bike is insane. Money towards a car maybe, but a quad bike, no. But if the family are keen to do that, then leave them to it.

In this case my issue would be the present , quads are very dangerous for a young person , specially if they are not used to them , more than a normal
motorbike .
But I think a special expensive gift is ok , we tend to rotate for our kids , As we have 5 between us ( 3 adults but still living at home , one with us and 2 step sons with their mum) , this year my step son got a 1k pc , last eyer his brother got a console . None of them is getting expensive stuff next as a result , we try and make it as fair as possible , oldest had iPhones , iPads etc previously too . Youngest are still but getting presents over 1k but I’m sure we will get there in time
You will probably change your mind as your own child grows and she asks for expensive stuff .

Totally agree

I’m going to be honest OP, I don’t think it’s any of your business and I’m not sure why you have an opinion. He isn’t your child and barely a step child really at 18. If you husband gives from his pot of money then that’s his choice. While I agree it’s a lot of money and I wouldn’t spend or give it, I don’t agree that you get a view in these circumstances.

I'm surprised that people consider £500 to be a normal Christmas present for a child.

In my world, Christmas is not about giving large sums of cash. 🤷‍♀️

You sound tight OP. I suspect when your own daughter turns 18, you’ll have a change of heart about big gifts.

I think you sound awfully mean spirited. It’s his 18th. If it was every year fair enough. Keep your nose out to be fair. Horrible attitude to your step son.

This. Absolutely awful. And mentioning upthread that you give £20 to six kids that aren’t yours but are in your life. Charming. He’s your bloody stepson. He’ll probably resent your own child and I wouldn’t blame him.

You said it was his Christmas present and 18th. So that's £250 for 18th and £250 for birthday from his parents, his stepfather and grandparents.
I don't think it's over the top for this particular occasion and the fact they are his closest relatives.
It's not like more distant relatives like great uncles, cousins and whoever are coughing up 500 quid, which would be over the top.

Your £20 is mean.

Totally normal to gift a car or money towards one for an 18th for your child if you can afford it. If the lad saved £3,000 himself I would say he’s done well and deserved it. You are allowed to feel differently. £20 is tight IMO IF you can afford more. It doesn’t pay for much these days.

Well I think it’s none of your business really, not your child and not your money so your opinion is pretty irrelevant I would say. You sound jealous that he has received a generous amount, like you said you can’t afford to spend that kind of money on your own child so it sounds like the green eyed monster to me. My advice is keep your opinions on other people’s parenting to yourself, lest you invite the judgement of others on to you.

It is his 18th birthday. A special one. It is not unreasonable at all. Also it isn't your business at all. You have your own ideas. They have different values. Lovely his dad and grandparents are spoiling him on his 18th. Just keep out of it.

I agree - him buying a quad bike should have been discouraged. Where is he going to ride it? And they are extremely dangerous. At his age boys are often impulsive and haven't got road sense. I think the poster would have been happier to pay a bit more if it had been something different- perhaps towards a car.

It’s very telling you lump your own DSS in as just one of 6 ‘other’ children. It’s sad you don’t want the two children to think of each other as at least half siblings OP. It’s up to his father to reach out more and nurture the relationship with his son at this stage. He should be ensuring his son feels loved and wanted and that includes always being welcome to stay with him. You sound pretty mean spirited before the financial side is even considered. I’m guessing your unfriendly attitude, your constantly watching for fault is a big factor in the lack of relationship. An 18 year old visiting his father should not be expected to mend cars and mow your lawn for the pleasure. He is not the male version of Cinderella.

£20 for Christmas and birthdays is just mean imho. Bordering on insulting tbh - teenage me would have rather only received a card, or a cheap but thoughtful gift.

The poster isn’t being asked to contribute to the quad bike. She’s not asking whether she should have paid more, she’s annoyed that other people have decided to spend their money on her stepson as she thinks it’s ‘too much’.

I thought “all money is family money” was the mantra on here. Except when it’s the wicked stepmother it seems 🙄.

The stepmother has made it clear that they don’t share finances, and that she is buying a separate gift (well, putting £20 in card). If you choose not to share finances as a family (perfectly valid choice) then you can’t then complain about what your partner spends their individual money on, unless it means that they are no longer able to contribute to the family expenses that they have agreed between them. If he gives his son £1000 for his 18th birthday plus Christmas then can’t afford his share of the mortgage (for example) then she is perfectly entitled to feel aggrieved.

But did he hand over £3k? There were 5 people contributing to this which is £600 each.

I do not do expensive presents, but this is an 18th birthday and I think people do push the boat out a bit then. And it is combined with Christmas and shared between others. The lad has saved and contributed himself which is good. Your DH has used his own money to make his contribution. So it all sounds reasonable to me.

Clearly when it comes to presents for your own DD then the two of you will discuss what you think is best and come to a compromise.

The fact that you do not warm to this young man and find his stays with you challenging does not really come into it I think.

It's a one offfor a big birthday but a quad bike is very dangerous.
Does DSS not want help to buy a car, or to go to university?

Quite apart from the gift, DSS should be more polite and helpful.
Don't be backwards is asking DSS to help out often when he is staying. He will only learn things if he practises.

The cash is in addition to gifts, I try really hard to find presents that the person will love. To me that's more significant than money.