Adults giving crazy money for gifts.

[rosie44]

Hello,
Looking for some reassurance that I'm not the silly one here! My husband & I have a tiny house, one little toddling girl together.

Hubby also has a son, who turned 18 in the last week of November. The son's mother is also remarried, and they all live together.

Now I'm a big fan of Christmas, but not keen on buying large expensive presents, I just don't think it's necessary.
I do give my husband's son small gifts of money - £20 - at birthdays & Christmases.

This year, he was turning 18, and he wanted a quad bike. That's obviously a very expensive item, but he has saved up half the money he wants from two part-time jobs from the last year. Now he is 18, he also has access to the savings account set up for him by his parents.

I have no problem with a teenager saving up for something he wants, but the response from the adults around him seemed crazy to me. He has two parents, a step-father, and two grandparents, all of whom decided they must pitch in to contribute enough money that he can spend £6000 on this item which he wants - meaning the contribution between them all, over the birthday and Christmas, would be about £3000 in total.

I have said nothing harsh or unkind about this, but I did politely explain that I would not be handing over 100's (or 1000's!) of pounds as a Christmas present, and in my opinion it's odd for other people to do so - especially in the case of the step-father, who is not even related to the boy & has only known him 2 years.

None of these people are particularly wealthy- it's been a tricky year for us economically, the boy's mum works in a shop, the grandparents are not really well-off.

This is not my money, my husband gifted the money from his own account, and to be honest it's not the money which bothers me- it's the principle which feels wrong.
I would never want my daughter to be showered with money for frivolous things in this way.

I understand my husband wanting to do all he can for his son... but I just feel this is encouraging false expectations, lack of understanding of money and value, and careless spending.

He rarely contacts his dad, makes little effort to spend time with him, doesn't get on with his mum, and doesn't help out when he stays at our house. I feel that at the very least, there should be some level of reciprocity (e.g, helping to fix the car, mow the lawn etc.)

We haven't talked about it since I stated my opinion, but the son is staying with us for a few days now, and although his behaviour is never bad, there is a low level of respect and helpfulness that is rubbing me the wrong way after seeing such generosity from the other adult family members.

Not really looking to revisit the subject with my husband or his son (I think), but does anyone have any advice or even just reassurance that my position here is... normal?
And how should I handle this sort of issue in the future? We never argue about money... and I don't want to start now.

Yes, for children who aren't mine but are significant to me (of which there are 6), I think £20 is okay. They all get money from parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles and parents' friends.
I can't afford to give them all £100 at Christmas.

His driving lessons were all paid for by his mum and dad, he has significant cash gifts from his parents at birthdays, he has the offer of a secondhand car if he wants it, and his monthly allowance is between him and his mum.
He goes abroad on holiday once or twice a year with his mum, and once a year with us. I don't think my spending more is necessary to improve his life.

I don't think my spending more is necessary to improve his life.

So don't. As you said, it's not your money that's being gifted, and no one is asking you to chip in more than you're comfortable with. So what's the issue?

See I find it odd that you and husband give separate gifts .
Me and my partner are a couple whatever get son gets is from both of us .
So at Xmas you give ss £20 and your husband gives him a gift money of higher value ?

He’s 18 and has saved quite a lot of money for something he wants and the adults around him have contributed. That’s a pretty normal thing to do for 18 birthdays.

the way you describe his behaviour seems like normal 18yo stuff.

you didn’t give any money and he doesnt live with you. Most 18 year olds don’t call their parents for a chat either. They’re detaching, it’s pretty normal. They eventually find an even keel

£20 is miserly. Sorry that’s what I give my 10 year old sister

It doesn’t matter whether you think his stepfather contributing is ‘odd’ or not, it’s his money and he’s decided that that’s how he’d like to spend it.
£1000 from each party across a big birthday and Christmas isn’t outside the realms of ordinary I don’t think, my 18th gift from my dad cost approx £1000 and that was over 20 years ago.
They just do gifts differently to you, and that’s ok. If your partner spending so much on his son leaves your family short then you’re entitled to have a say. Otherwise, it’s out of your control and not really any of your business.

I could spend that easily on ds for birthdays/christmas and if my dh had anything to say about, I would tell him to mind his own business. For a big birthday, it's not excessive -if affordable, and really not much to do with you.

Sorry but £20 is pretty tight for a step child's birthday let alone their 18th. If it is what you can afford then so be it. But you don't get to criticise what his family decide to give him for his 18th, especially when you don't have joint finances. You seem put out that his step father is chipping in the same and treating him like a child of his family whereas you are happy to treat him as an acquaintance. Again you don't get to decide what you think another person pays and how they treat their step child. It's nice that one of his step parents do consider him part of their family and not some visitor.

Quad bikes, how ever appealing, can be extremely dangerous too.

Irrelevant to the thread though where her issue is the cash hence posting in the money section

It isn't but you also don't get to say that other people shouldn't.

YABU. He’ll only have the one 18th and it’s combined with Christmas.

Hang on so it was 3k between 5 of them so 600 each for an 18th birthday gift and xmas gift combined?

I’m afraid I think it’s completely reasonable and I’d take an extremely dim view of your attitude if I were in your family.

My thinking is that I'm never the only adult giving birthday money, so £20 is never the total amount they get.
Between relatives and family friends, my friend's son ended up with £140 birthday money last year. He's 8.
I don't think an 8-year-old needs £140, and it can be difficult for us as parents to manage that kind of spending.

Is anyone else seeing the irony in OP being told that how much other people contribute to her SS for his 18th is nothing to do with her, but then also being told in the same post that she should be giving him more than £20?

Surely you encourage them to save it? My children have always been told they should aim to spend half and save half, which they’re quite happy to do.
It’s not the same scenario as your step son though, as he knows what he wants to spend the money on.

Is the money a way for them to try and buy his affection or to apologise for not spending more time with him as a child?

People gift money for all sorts of emotional reasons, not always obvious. A bright kid will usually see through it, but take the cash. This could explain why he doesn’t seem appreciative.

It isn't really though.

I'd feel very differently about giving one of my dc a considerable sum of money to enable them to buy what is basically a dangerous toy (unless they are farmers, and I think that would have been said - where is he going to ride a quad bike, and why?) than I would giving them the money to pay for driving lessons, or their first insurance on their car, or money to support them with a training course, or money for a toolbox or equipment for a first job, etc).

It is relevant in how you feel about how the money is going to be spent.

Yes well I do 20 for nieces and nephews extended family etc but my step some is by de facto comes into the same position as my kids he's part of my immediate family ,,he'sy.kids step brother and half brother ,he gets what they get more or less .

I’d agree if it was the OP’s money, but she’s not being expected to (and isn’t) contributing any. So her feelings on how it’s spent aren’t relevant.

I wouldn't, especially not on something as frivolous as a quad bike.

I'll do my best to cover my ds' university costs though. I think that is more of an investment.

I don't think it's unreasonable for his family to give him a generous present for a joint 18th birthday/Christmas present.
I love Christmas and I love buying presents for my family . I don't expect anything from them in return because a gift is a gift and shouldn't come with any strings.So I disagree when you say he should help in the house in return for the money. If you think he should help me out more that is a completely separate matter.
You don't have to contribute but I don't think you should criticise those family members who have. Unless you are struggling financially,£20 for a joint 18th/Christmas present seems mean to me

He didn't hand over £3k that amount was between both parents , his grandparents and his stepfather

£1000 from each of his close family is well within the norm for an 18th present, especially when it matches what he's managed to save for himself. DH's contribution came entirely from his own account, so it's really none of your business.

I'm not one of the wealthy mumsnetters, but your view that £20 is enough for an 18th (in that you think that's what his own parents and GPs should be giving) is highly unusual. Fair families who are very much struggling, that might be an they can afford. But I think you need to recognise that you are very much an outlier. £20 for an 18th birthday?

Usual case of someone getting coupled up with sometime who already has a kid. The boy was there first OP! You are getting competitive over resources which you think should be directed towards YOUR child. Bit jealous I think.