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Original poster

Husband £50k secret debt - what to do

105 replies

Jolt24 · 18/12/2025 20:40

i have recently found out my husband has hidden 48k£ of debt in just a few years - we have two young children. for him it has jsit been over spending i am talking £25 on lunches each day and ridiculous secret spending on clothing and goods - pure greed - our family holiday this year i paid for as he was struggling to pay yet £500 on watches!
for me it is not the total it is the lying and deceit - the selfishness to be spending on himself when we have two boys and j was recently tail end of maternity leave.
i almost wish it was for a gambling or drug addiction as oppsoe to selfish spending on hkmself.
i love my husband dearly and we were so so happy i feel like this has completely shattered me and our trust. I dont know if this is normal to conrinue the marriage
please let me know how you are navigating things

OP posts:
Crofthead · 19/12/2025 09:21

How can you possibly love him dearly with the way he has continuously treated your family?

euff · 19/12/2025 09:24

Your kids haven’t gone without because you fill the gap. He has been dishonest, selfish and uncaring. You had to find out for yourself and he would probably happily let you contribute more towards keeping the family whilst he spends on himself. It’s not fun being on a tight budget but so many do it. As a pp said there’s a lot of people getting a Boots/ Tesco meal deal if they are not taking food in from home. It’s not nice to do particularly when you work in areas with lovely places to eat all around but people do it or they do it four days and have lunch out on the 5th. I wouldn’t ever trust him again and I would want to be sitting down on a monthly basis analysing spends, his credit file and reviewing family budget, joint savings pots towards holidays etc. He should be trying to pay the debt down as quickly as possible with whatever disposable income is left to him after properly contributing to his family. No clothing etc for him unless something actually needs replacing. He should be packing himself a lunch. If he doesn’t change or complains about it then he’s not truly remorseful.

Zippedydodah · 19/12/2025 09:35

RosesAndHellebores · 18/12/2025 23:54

I'd leave him while the debt remains his and his alone. £145 and it will.take years to pay off. Why can't he get another job, to increase the repayments.

Goodness knows how long paying that will take to clear £48,000!
I would leave, I could never trust someone who’d done that to my children let alone me.

mcmooberry · 19/12/2025 09:46

£145 a month!! Forever?? That hardly seems fair to his creditors he was spending more than that on lunches! I can scarcely believe this wasn't gambling or something else, presume you have had a forensic look at his bank statements going back 5 years?
I personally couldn't forgive that degree of selfishness in a man with 2 young children.

Magsbd · 19/12/2025 09:56

Divorce him. Do not get sucked in to having to pay back this huge debt.

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 19/12/2025 09:59

MadinMarch · 19/12/2025 01:36

Be aware that he could set up new credit cards/other credit, and keep them secret from you.
I think he's the one that needs to go for individual counselling, not couples therapy - I can't imagine you'll be able to work through trusting him after such a huge betrayal as this!
It would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

If he's on a payment plan he won't be able to do this. It will be on his credit file so no new credit.

He must be on a fairly low salary if he's only paying £145 a month as they will have assessed how much he can afford to pay.

What will happen is he will offer 'full and final' settlements to each creditor over time. When each one is settled it then drops off his credit file after 6 years.

So my advice is get saving for the settlements so he can rebuild his credit score.

The same happened to me, although my husband ran up debt on a failed business venture. Stupidity is stupidity though, I was devastated. It all got paid off, we started afresh and we are happy. But I think I have PTSD because of it.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 19/12/2025 10:03

lechatnoir · 19/12/2025 08:17

Experience of this many years ago at the start of our relationship. Debt that resulted in 2 CCJ’s against him and 4 years worth of debt repayments. honestly, if I was on Mumsnet then I probably would have left him due to overwhelming advice to leave, but I didn’t. Thankfully, and I would caution by saying I think this is rare but clearly not impossible, he saw he was about to lose everything including me and took ownership and Responsibility. He set up a debt repayment plan, got a 2nd job, got some counselling and basically worked bloody hard for a few years to prove himself & make up for the fact we had to push back our planned house purchase.

25 years on and we’re good - he’s still the spender in our relationship but never with credit cards or loans and he keeps a tally so will pull back if he’s overdone it one month.

if you have cajole, persuade, force or plead for him to step up and sort the shit show out he’s created, then walk away. But if this is the shock he needs to put a stop to his ridiculous spending and make a proper plan to repay the debt then I wouldn’t end and otherwise good relationship over this.

he’s still the spender in our relationship

This is the most important thing to take away from this story.
He has changed a bit, enough to hold his marriage together, but basically he is still a spender.
A leopard does not change its spots.

Zippedydodah · 19/12/2025 10:19

I greatly suspect this isn’t the whole truth OP…..

Firefly100 · 19/12/2025 10:21

OP In your position I would divorce him. This is to sever financial ties to him and protect your income and assets for your children. You can stay together, go to couples therapy etc etc and try to get through this as a couple but to me the 1st non-negotiable step would be divorce. His debt is his debt and I would not pay one penny towards helping him pay it off - it is effectively taking money from your children.

ElizaMulvil · 19/12/2025 12:16

Divorce is the only way forward. You can never trust a word he says. He will ruin the future for you and your children. You will be living in fear for the rest of your life.

I had a cousin with a husband like yours. He managed to dispose of all the equity in a house she had inherited mortgage free. She always believed him when he said he was sorry but of course he never was. Just sorry he was caught out AGAIN and AGAIN. When they died they left NOTHING to their children. He had managed to get through nearly £1 million in today's terms with absolutely nothing to show for it.

Woventwigs888 · 19/12/2025 12:30

Op I’m sorry but I would think very, very carefully about your next steps.

First step is to get legal help; someone who is hot on finances. I would be doing things like like protecting my own money from his potential creditors. Get advice on how your finances would look if you separate and divorce. And how protected you are from his debts etc,

Like another poster, I very much doubt that this is the entire story. Remember you discovered this and he would still be hiding it from you now if you hadn’t.

The debt itself is awful but it’s also what it betrays about his character that is waving massive red flags!

Blump2783 · 19/12/2025 13:29

If he is willing to try and change I don't see why you shouldn't give him a chance. He probably kept it from you due to guilt and shame. It sounds like he is making all of the right noises and doing the right things. Suggesting counselling is good, lots of men would refuse to go. I would also suggest he goes to debtors anonymous as that might benefit him. At the same time you can put some boundaries in place and if he fucks up then that is it.

SleafordSods · 19/12/2025 15:50

Blump2783 · 19/12/2025 13:29

If he is willing to try and change I don't see why you shouldn't give him a chance. He probably kept it from you due to guilt and shame. It sounds like he is making all of the right noises and doing the right things. Suggesting counselling is good, lots of men would refuse to go. I would also suggest he goes to debtors anonymous as that might benefit him. At the same time you can put some boundaries in place and if he fucks up then that is it.

I’m not sure the OP does need to put boundaries in place? Surely the boundary would be don’t spend £1k a month on yourself that you don’t have for 4 years and get into debt?

@Jolt24 someone below mentioned that the rate of repayment fits with a mortgage. Do you think he has remortgaged your home?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 19/12/2025 16:20

As others have said the repayment plan is not right. If the debt is in his name only I'd divorce him as quickly as I could ... after solicitor's advice.

I hope he's making his own packed lunch!!

sanityisamyth · 19/12/2025 16:28

SleafordSods · 18/12/2025 21:17

I would also do a credit check on yourself OP. Often Men like this will take out loans/cards in the name of their DW/DP.

Yep … this is what mine did. Left me to pay them off, but as I didn’t know they existed, it left me with a default on my credit file, which meant I couldn’t get a mortgage for over 6 years and I’m still in rented accommodation now.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 19/12/2025 17:11

Bjorkdidit · 19/12/2025 03:31

Or just years and years of overspending and interest on interest.

£100 a week is over £5k pa and would likely get to the £48k in about 6/7 years with interest. £100 a week doesn't even cover the cost of his £25 a day lunches let alone the clothes and other purchases the OP mentions.

If they've not had a lot of spare money and he's just spent a bit more than they can afford each day, and only ever paid the minimums on CCs it is easy to see how the debt has built up.

But OP I would definitely sense check the debt repayment plan as it will affect both of you for decades at the current rate. Plus his creditors are unlikely to accept such an extended repayment period on an ongoing basis.

Can he get a second job to pay the debt off faster? Has he cut his personal spending to the bone? So very cheap sim only phone etc?

Show quote history

£145 A Month (not week)

Nevereatcardboard · 19/12/2025 17:12

I would spend the money on a divorce lawyer rather than counselling at this stage. The reason for this is that you only found out about the debt by opening a letter. I really don’t understand why you think it’s funny he’s taking packed lunches, as he should be doing a hell of a lot more to pay back the debt. Could he get a second job or sell his car?

DreadingWinter · 19/12/2025 17:16

I threw my ex husband out when the bailiffs arrived on my doorstep. I'm so glad I did although life was hard on my own.

He died recently and left around £250,000 of debt. Luckily it's his current wife's problem.

Once this happens it won't stop. Sorry OP.

MrsZiggywinkle · 19/12/2025 17:30

Check all your accounts, mortgage, credit rating, etc. I know someone who’s DH used to forge her signature and remortgaged the house without her knowing.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. No second chances because I guarantee he will continue behind your back.

Paying off the £50k debt at £145 a month is a joke when he’s been spending £25 a day on lunch. He must think you are stupid.

Seriously79 · 19/12/2025 17:58

OP I could have wrote this!

DH ran up just over £30,000 credit card debt in 7 years. We’ve (I say we very loosely) had to take a 2nd mortgage to consolidate. I didn’t want to do it or be involved, but as it’s against the house I’ve had to go along with it.

we are in the 2nd month and already he can’t pay.

luckily I’m in control of the joint account, and go without so that it’s covered.

I’ve lost all respect for him, he just gives me the ick. I’ve been really low this week anxiety had doubled. Nobody knows about the money issues, I’d be too embarrassed to tell anyone. He just doesn’t get it, but the stress is making me ill.

Rocket1982 · 19/12/2025 18:10

How much does he earn? It's a lot of debt, but there's a big difference depending on whether he earns 30K and it's 2 years post tax wages, or he earns 120K and it's 6 months. But yeah the 145/month doesn't sound plausible even for a mortgage. I just took out a 50K mortgage and at current interest rates around 4% it is 275/month for 25 years. May be possible for a mortgage if it is interest only.

rickyrickygrimes · 19/12/2025 18:16

Personally I would treat it like an addiction, it probably is at some level. It’s a compulsive behaviour. Yes, it / he is selfish - in exactly the way addicts are. That they will put the thing they are addicted to before anything, and go to huge lengths to hide, justify and feed it.

your DH is in the got-caught- remorseful stage. If he hasn’t hit rock bottom and made the decision to change, he’ll do it again. It’s not about blame or ‘he’s so selfish!’, the question is : do you want to share your life with an addict?

notnorman · 19/12/2025 18:27

That repayment plan means he can’t get a mortgage for 7 years after it has ended until it comes off his credit score.

NortyElf · 19/12/2025 18:27

Take his card and give him pocket money

Lzzyisgod · 19/12/2025 18:52

In terms of the debt - if its consummer debt can that be sorted?

Yes absolutely.

i am no expert but I would highly recommend the Debt Free Wannabe section of the MSE forum where you will find many people in similar amount of debt/situations and ask for debt management advice from the extremely knowledgeable posters there. (in terms of the amount I disagree with PPs in that the amount he's said he's repaying is realistic - it may well be as part of a debt management plan in certain circumstances but the time line will be important and how you manage a DMP is critical). There are charities and organisations that will offer support and services but I would strongly suggest you have a read at MSE before doing anything.

In terms of the trust and damage to your marriage, for me that depends if he truly wants to earn your trust back and if you actually want him to. Getting out of debt won't happen unless you are both on the same page and requires significant behaviour change on his side forever (not just during the immediate crisis) and needs committment, consistency and discipline. I will warn you it can feel boring, long and at times an utter drudge. But so blooming worth it in the end.