Husband £50k secret debt - what to do

[Jolt24]

i have recently found out my husband has hidden 48k£ of debt in just a few years - we have two young children. for him it has jsit been over spending i am talking £25 on lunches each day and ridiculous secret spending on clothing and goods - pure greed - our family holiday this year i paid for as he was struggling to pay yet £500 on watches!
for me it is not the total it is the lying and deceit - the selfishness to be spending on himself when we have two boys and j was recently tail end of maternity leave.
i almost wish it was for a gambling or drug addiction as oppsoe to selfish spending on hkmself.
i love my husband dearly and we were so so happy i feel like this has completely shattered me and our trust. I dont know if this is normal to conrinue the marriage
please let me know how you are navigating things

Dreadful.

And the £145/mth is utterly pathetic. He needs to do the debt snowball:
List every single debt in order of size from smallest to largest. Focus on paying off the smallest debt as quickly as possible, move on to the next, then to the next etc. Not sure what his income is or your household outgoings, but really he should be aiming to get it all paid off in no more than 2-3 years.

But I wouldn't blame you for cutting ties with him over this. I'd find this behaviour appalling and I couldn't be with someone so financially reckless. I'd be disappointed, angry, and unlikely to want to come back from this.

And please make sure you check your own credit report. Also check his if you can to check he's being truthful about the amount.

Be aware that he could set up new credit cards/other credit, and keep them secret from you.
I think he's the one that needs to go for individual counselling, not couples therapy - I can't imagine you'll be able to work through trusting him after such a huge betrayal as this!
It would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

I'd just never be able to trust him again. What is a marriage without trust? Someone very close to me had a DH who did similar. He used to spend £9 of latte each day as well as £12 on lunch. He would think nothing of treating himself to new clothes he didn't need whilst his wife and kids really struggled to cover bills and get enough food. 4 kids who never got an ice cream in the summer and never got any pocket money. His wife shopped for her and kids clothing in charity shops. Her Mum died and she inherited about £30k. She stupidly gave £19k to her DH to clear his credit card. Within 3 years he had run it up to £12k. Still she stayed with him. During COVID his Mum died and he inherited about £70k. He didn't give his wife or kids a penny. He spent a bit on the house, bought himself loads of new tech and the rest has almost gone. He has just frittered it away. Still she stays with him. Their kitchen D's are all almost grown up and all dislike their Dad as they recognise how selfish he is. Their eldest told me once whilst she and her siblings occasionally went to bed hungry he wasted so much money on cigarettes and expensive lunches. She said she could never forgive him. I wonder when their youngest finishes uni if his wife will finally leave him. I think that might be what she is waiting for. Just making sure her youngest is independent. Don't be like her. If you can't trust your DH don't waste your life until your kids grow up.

As another PP said.

He will ruin you.

Take heed my lovely….a good friend of mines soon to be ex husband did this….3 times in total …. Coming in at well over £100,000 in the end….shes now divorcing him at the age of 58 and worried sick about what the future holds …. Look after yourself and your kids …all the best xx

£145 a month That's pathetic.

It needs to be £500 a month minimum and he needs to go without to understand what a total idiot he is. Even then it will take a decade to clear.
He should look into a weekend job as well. All proceeds going to debt repayment. It might keep him busy and out of trouble.

If he won't, you need to divorce him to protect yourself and your dcs. Don't let him drag you down too.

it's called financial infidelity.
the repayments are too low he will both repay and continue spending more on top that's why he's so agreeable.

couples counselling...huge red flag! it's his problem not yours, let the gas lighting begin.

Or just years and years of overspending and interest on interest.

£100 a week is over £5k pa and would likely get to the £48k in about 6/7 years with interest. £100 a week doesn't even cover the cost of his £25 a day lunches let alone the clothes and other purchases the OP mentions.

If they've not had a lot of spare money and he's just spent a bit more than they can afford each day, and only ever paid the minimums on CCs it is easy to see how the debt has built up.

But OP I would definitely sense check the debt repayment plan as it will affect both of you for decades at the current rate. Plus his creditors are unlikely to accept such an extended repayment period on an ongoing basis.

Can he get a second job to pay the debt off faster? Has he cut his personal spending to the bone? So very cheap sim only phone etc?

Don't do couples counselling, that's just sharing the blame. He needs to go to counselling and tell them the truth and get some help for his obvious problem.

There is no way I’d set up a joint account with a partner who runs up secret debts. Best case would be that your personal credit score is impacted.

£145 a month is risible.

This is awful, op. It could also be just the surface of the debt. And it will probably happen again down the line. I would look to protect myself and my dcs as much as possible by splitting up.

This happened to me. Ex h announced £80k of debt in 2015. We had to remortgage the house.

Lots of money had evaporated throughout our marriage. Significant sums. He would get aggressive when I asked about money vanishing. We are no longer together and I know he’s building up debt again. At least I won’t be liable this time.

That amount of payment on the debt management plan doesn't ring true for such a large sum. What percentage of your joint income is that? Have you had full disclosure? I would be ultra wary, but then I'm a very careful person with money.

I’m not sure whether you have fully taken in the impact on you and your children for years to come, potentially the rest of your lives if he pays off at that rate.

I’d separate your finances as much as possible tbh. I wouldn’t trust him with money right now. I’d do the counselling and I’d be honest. Cynically I don’t think this mood of apology and self sacrifice will last very long.

gather all paperwork so you have all information you need.
I would book a marriage counselor, and I’d make my decision over the course of maybe the next three months.

If I found out there was gambling, I’d be gone straight away. If you choose to stay, you need to decide the terms of change and what will happen. He needs to be absolutely fully invested in repairing the marriage and improving his behaviour- he needs to do serious work, it’s not just saying ‘sorry’ or being better for a few months, but deep deep change over months and maybe the next couple of years.

Even with all of that, you will need complete financial transparency forever going forward. Make sure you are protected and safe. Best of luck whichever path you take xxxxx

I suspect that the fact the children have never gone without is down to you - he sounds far too selfish to care

It’s not just the sorting of the debt it’s the impact a poor credit rating will have on him , future mortgage out the window if you wanted to move , no more preferential rates for various things etc etc

Also I note no mention of this spending on you or the children , no unexpected nice gifts , it’s all gone on himself . I just don’t get how selfish he could be without thinking of you at all .
Personally it’s too much of a betrayal and I’d divorce. Better than a lifetime of managing his money , the resentment from him because you are managing his money . £50k is no small amount to pay off at £145 s month . You are talking years / decades to sort this .

I forgave my DH for similar. It worked like this.

1 I got really angry and upset. The worst he’s ever seen. It’s the only time he’s ever hurt me.

2 We went over everything together. His was a bad investment but it escalated as after he lost a smaller amount of money he tried to hide it. And the issue grew.

3 We fixed it together. Remortgage to pay it off.

4 We agreed new rules. Limits on what we spend without talking to the other for a sense check. I have ongoing (even now many years later) access to his credit file and any credit cards.

5 He wanted to hide it. So one of my criteria was that he had to be honest with at least one of his parents what had happened. I also said that I would only forgive it once. If it happened again I wouldn’t stay. Not hysterically or when upset, coldly and after it was fixed.

it was a really hard period in our marriage. We’ve not had any issues since but I have to be honest I do still occasionally check his credit file just to be sure. It’s never totally gone away.

Ask for honesty hereonin, contrition, and openness. Like you the lying was the hardest to forgive, not everything else.

That’s the bit that stood out to me. £25 on a lunch is not thinking of his DC or the OP. The debt is have problems forgiving becauae it can be life altering. The lying I’d also have problems with but the fact that he’s spent it all on himself, I’m sorry OP I don’t think I could ever forgive the staggering selfishness he’s shown.

Do not have any joint finances. You need to distance yourself (whether you stay together or apart), do not have any financial associations if you can. In my case he wasn’t on the mortgage either.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I could not forgive the selfishness and the lies.

If he doesn’t do something to address the behaviour, not get any credit cards and share all his finances with you I would separate from him (see a solicitor and make sure you can’t be linked to any debt in the future).
He’s likely to do this again so if you don’t leave him he needs to step up and manage money properly. Don’t trust him

Hi OP - I have recently found myself in an almost identical situation. If you would like to PM me please do. My situation is probably a bit outing on here. The lies are the worst part and I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it x

It’s Up to you entirely of course and you ask how to navigate this awful situation. My answer is influenced by learning from others mistakes.

My MIL was led a dogs life by my FIL who did what your husband has done, not once, twice but 3 times through their marriage.
She stayed and of course was then embroiled in participating in paying back his debt.
The impact on her and her children was immense.

They suffered. Their quality of life was diminished and the impact was devastating over and over because of his self centred, selfish incompetence.

The man still to this day has a problem that needs to be managed by his family.

As far as I can see, there has never been any consequences because his life stays the same, his loving wife stuck with him, doing without, his kids were still around him, doing without and he, whenever he wanted, just got another credit card and did it all over again.

She died and while dying asked my dh to try to keep the roof over his dad’s head by controlling the money. Her abiding worry was still his shit behaviour as she died.

So, how do you navigate this? You fucking run as far away as you can for the sake of your kids and your own future. He will fuck you over repeatedly.

So sorry that you’re going through this too @12345mummy