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Original poster

Husband £50k secret debt - what to do

105 replies

Jolt24 · 18/12/2025 20:40

i have recently found out my husband has hidden 48k£ of debt in just a few years - we have two young children. for him it has jsit been over spending i am talking £25 on lunches each day and ridiculous secret spending on clothing and goods - pure greed - our family holiday this year i paid for as he was struggling to pay yet £500 on watches!
for me it is not the total it is the lying and deceit - the selfishness to be spending on himself when we have two boys and j was recently tail end of maternity leave.
i almost wish it was for a gambling or drug addiction as oppsoe to selfish spending on hkmself.
i love my husband dearly and we were so so happy i feel like this has completely shattered me and our trust. I dont know if this is normal to conrinue the marriage
please let me know how you are navigating things

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 19/12/2025 07:44

@Jolt24 how did you find out? Did he tell you himself? I think that would potentially make a difference to my response.

Financial infidelity is something I’d struggle with - the lying, the disregard for your family security, the selfishness of it all. It sounds like he’s trying to make things right and only time will tell if he’s really serious about fixing this. I wouldn’t jump straight to divorce but he’d be on thin ice and would really need to demonstrate his commitment to change. Having said that I can’t stand liars so unsure if I’d be able to move past this. Marriage counselling is definitely a good way forward, even if it’s to help support a separation.

honeylulu · 19/12/2025 07:53

I don't think i could get past this even if i wanted to. Overspending is a serious problem. The deceit makes it so much worse. But on top of all that - it is just so sickening that all the spending was on himself, while his wife and children went without. That's just so hurtful as it shows his priority is not the family as a whole, but treats for him.

He's not Flash Harry who wants a lifestyle he can't afford for his family. He wanted it Just. For. Him. And now he's willing to share the problem and the debt with you - nice. I'd be telling him to fuck off forever. What a narc.

NigellaWannabe1 · 19/12/2025 07:54

OP, it’s just not realistic for someone who’s been spending that kind of money to accept pack lunches and similar lifestyle downgrade long term. Not when they clearly have a spending addiction problem.

Like with any other addictions, relapses are common. You and your children will unfortunately suffer the consequences of that.

Hes remorseful now because he’s been found out. And maybe the remorse is genuine, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be able to stick to low spending for the rest of his life.

2chocolateoranges · 19/12/2025 07:57

BeFore we got married we discussed what would be the end for our marriage and for me it was cheating and getting into debt. 2 things that I wouldn’t forgive.

so for me, we would be done.

Original poster
Jolt24 · 19/12/2025 08:01

Yes exactly that it is the lying aspect for me!!

i opened a letter - just had a gut feeling!!! Thank you!

OP posts:
Purplewarrior · 19/12/2025 08:01

I have read quite a few threads like yours over the years. Sadly, many of them are written by women who gave their DP another chance, making huge sacrifices to repay debt, only to find that he had done the same thing again. Sometimes accruing even bigger debt.

I don’t think you can afford to stay with him can you?

SleafordSods · 19/12/2025 08:02

NigellaWannabe1 · 19/12/2025 07:54

OP, it’s just not realistic for someone who’s been spending that kind of money to accept pack lunches and similar lifestyle downgrade long term. Not when they clearly have a spending addiction problem.

Like with any other addictions, relapses are common. You and your children will unfortunately suffer the consequences of that.

Hes remorseful now because he’s been found out. And maybe the remorse is genuine, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be able to stick to low spending for the rest of his life.

Edited

Perhaps I’m just getting older and possibly even more cynical but I think the offer of marriage counselling is just because he’s scared of losing you OP and having to face up to his problems alone.

The Counselling might help you to separate amicably, as a PP said but I think he needs separate Counselling about his spending addiction.

It’s such an awful position to put you in too. Do you stay knowing he’s been astoundingly selfish, lied and altered the future for you and the DC or do you Divorce and build a future for you and your DC?

If you do decide on Divorce you can apply for a Divorce here and then book in with a decent Solicitor specialising in Family matters to start working on the financial settlement.

Get a divorce

Check you can get a divorce, agree or disagree with a divorce application, what to do if your husband or wife lacks mental capacity.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

BlondeBonBon · 19/12/2025 08:03

I would divorce even if you stay together to protect the children and your retirement .

Silverbirchleaf · 19/12/2025 08:03

£48000 is £1000 per month overspending for four years, and he’s paying £145 a month to pay it back! The maths don’t add up. He may be contrite (at being caught out, not the debt?) but that’s serious spending.

I’d cut the ties and start afresh. It may not be gambling, but he has got an addiction to spending.

SleafordSods · 19/12/2025 08:04

Jolt24 · 19/12/2025 08:01

Yes exactly that it is the lying aspect for me!!

i opened a letter - just had a gut feeling!!! Thank you!

So he’s not even come to you with the truth? Oh OP, I’m so very sorry. Like the Purple I’ve read far too many posts over the years where the DW has sacrificed so much only to be let down all over again.

Cars4Gov · 19/12/2025 08:05

They call it financial infidelity which is why you feel so betrayed. Can you recover? I guess it's like affairs some couples many to rebuild but many don'tm

Has he always been like this with money? He has to know what caused the behaviour, why he felt entitled to spend on himself when he knew it would involved further debt and meant lying to you.

TootsMaHoots · 19/12/2025 08:05

He’s never going to pay it back with that repayment schedule. What about the interest?

SleafordSods · 19/12/2025 08:10

Have you been involved in the repayment plans OP because at that rate the payment schedule would be 27.5 years without interest.

Fernsrus · 19/12/2025 08:16

I’d cut ties and leave him and his debt..

lechatnoir · 19/12/2025 08:17

Experience of this many years ago at the start of our relationship. Debt that resulted in 2 CCJ’s against him and 4 years worth of debt repayments. honestly, if I was on Mumsnet then I probably would have left him due to overwhelming advice to leave, but I didn’t. Thankfully, and I would caution by saying I think this is rare but clearly not impossible, he saw he was about to lose everything including me and took ownership and Responsibility. He set up a debt repayment plan, got a 2nd job, got some counselling and basically worked bloody hard for a few years to prove himself & make up for the fact we had to push back our planned house purchase.

25 years on and we’re good - he’s still the spender in our relationship but never with credit cards or loans and he keeps a tally so will pull back if he’s overdone it one month.

if you have cajole, persuade, force or plead for him to step up and sort the shit show out he’s created, then walk away. But if this is the shock he needs to put a stop to his ridiculous spending and make a proper plan to repay the debt then I wouldn’t end and otherwise good relationship over this.

Venturini · 19/12/2025 08:18

Walk. Away. You cannot trust him on anything, he could have spent that money on drugs prostitutes or gambling. He is a liar and most likely will do it again. Get out!!!

harriethoyle · 19/12/2025 08:20

Jolt24 · 19/12/2025 08:01

Yes exactly that it is the lying aspect for me!!

i opened a letter - just had a gut feeling!!! Thank you!

You see if he’d come to you and told you what had happened I’d be much more inclined to forgive. But it’s the lying until you found out yourself. If you hadn’t opened that letter, you’d still be in the dark…

FancyCatSlave · 19/12/2025 08:35

lechatnoir · 19/12/2025 08:17

Experience of this many years ago at the start of our relationship. Debt that resulted in 2 CCJ’s against him and 4 years worth of debt repayments. honestly, if I was on Mumsnet then I probably would have left him due to overwhelming advice to leave, but I didn’t. Thankfully, and I would caution by saying I think this is rare but clearly not impossible, he saw he was about to lose everything including me and took ownership and Responsibility. He set up a debt repayment plan, got a 2nd job, got some counselling and basically worked bloody hard for a few years to prove himself & make up for the fact we had to push back our planned house purchase.

25 years on and we’re good - he’s still the spender in our relationship but never with credit cards or loans and he keeps a tally so will pull back if he’s overdone it one month.

if you have cajole, persuade, force or plead for him to step up and sort the shit show out he’s created, then walk away. But if this is the shock he needs to put a stop to his ridiculous spending and make a proper plan to repay the debt then I wouldn’t end and otherwise good relationship over this.

Your case is rare though I’d say. My ex did all the right things after his bankruptcy, got himself back on his feet. Monitored spending etc. I spent all that time being the main earner and managing every £1. No luxuries, absolutely exhausting. Then after 6 years he got access to credit again and within 2 years back in debt. Complete waste of time.

He’s already planning the next hairbrained scheme to spend his divorce settlement on. Instead of securing a home for himself and his child in his 50’s as per the consent order he’ll end up in rented and unable to pay his bills because he seems to think saving is for idiots. He didn’t learn anything.

InSpainTheRain · 19/12/2025 08:39

That's horrible OP, and he's really broken your trust. One big problem with something like this is that he's lied about it and now you'll always be unsure whether you can trust him again or not, and it's a recurring theme for years after that. The other problem of course is that he's taking money to pay debts which could be used for your family (home, holidays, chldren's educations if you have any etc)

Rather than just accept that he now has some sort of plan in place I think you should step back and have a think about how you personally want to proceed. Is it something you can forgive? Do you think the lack of trust will eat away at you over time? If you do decide to stick it out then I'd say he has to change the payment plan and increase it drastically from 145 a month. Perhaps he needs a second job and he should also be selling things if he can do so without hurting you and the family.

CautiousLurker2 · 19/12/2025 08:44

Silverbirchleaf · 19/12/2025 08:03

£48000 is £1000 per month overspending for four years, and he’s paying £145 a month to pay it back! The maths don’t add up. He may be contrite (at being caught out, not the debt?) but that’s serious spending.

I’d cut the ties and start afresh. It may not be gambling, but he has got an addiction to spending.

Quick check with Google AI confirms many PP’s suspicions that with current interest rates DH will not even be paying the interest off that loan, let alone reducing the capital sum. The suggested rate is £550 pcm over 10 years.

I think he is STILL lying if he has told you this is what he’s set up, @Jolt24

I think I’d ask a forensic accountant to review his finances before I would risk remaining with him. Sorry, but I think I’d have to ask him to leave so that you can begin the process of separating your finances - at the moment his credit rating, given your shared address and marital status, means that your ability to get mortgages, loans etc. ultimately that will negatively impact your DC.

Violinist64 · 19/12/2025 08:44

One organisation that can help is Christians Against Poverty (CAP). They will ask you to show all your income and outgoings and work out a plan to help you become debt free over a period of time. You do not need to be a Christian to approach them as they will help anyone who wants to be helped.

CautiousLurker2 · 19/12/2025 09:03

CautiousLurker2 · 19/12/2025 08:44

Quick check with Google AI confirms many PP’s suspicions that with current interest rates DH will not even be paying the interest off that loan, let alone reducing the capital sum. The suggested rate is £550 pcm over 10 years.

I think he is STILL lying if he has told you this is what he’s set up, @Jolt24

I think I’d ask a forensic accountant to review his finances before I would risk remaining with him. Sorry, but I think I’d have to ask him to leave so that you can begin the process of separating your finances - at the moment his credit rating, given your shared address and marital status, means that your ability to get mortgages, loans etc. ultimately that will negatively impact your DC.

Edited
Show quote history

Just been on to Barclays - most unsecured loans have a max repayment period of 60months - so the repayments at current rates (7.8%) are about £1000pcm. On Moneysupermarket, assuming you could get a longer period of say 10 years, In the interest would be likely higher at around 14.9% (higher risk) and the payments would be closer to £750pcm. Interest on this latter example would include £40k in interest…

Whatever DH is telling you re having a ‘manageable repayment plan’ is total bollocks.

AelinAG · 19/12/2025 09:14

Divorce. Protect yourself and your children

letshavetea · 19/12/2025 09:15

I couldn’t tolerate this, due to the lack of trust and lying. Also, why has he suggested couples counselling?! You don’t need counselling - he does. He’s also lying about the repayment plan. I’d say forensic accountant and plan your exit due to the lies which appear to be continuing and the lack of any real debt repayment plan.

NigellaWannabe1 · 19/12/2025 09:17

That’s right. The 27-year repayment term (which would be needed to repay £48k at £145/month) would only work for a remortgage.

I hope he’s not remortgaged your house.