How do I get out of being skint the rest of my life?? Disabled child, single mother

[StuckOrNot]

Hello lovely people, I could really do with some help!!

My DD (6) has a disability, her father and I were married but divorced when she was 3. Unfortunately, he was absolutely useless and offered no support, I was caring for 2 children essentially and lost all respect for him, so chose to split. Best decision of my life I feel, my life is much easier now that I am not in a relationship with the lazy git, but I have realised financially, I am fairly screwed?? Please help me to make a plan to not be skint the rest of my life!

Due to my daughter being disabled, she goes to a special school. The school day is 8.45am-2.45pm. There is no wrap around club, no holiday club. At all. Child's father works the most annoying job - a split shift meaning he only works part time (only gives me £100/month child support) and yet can NEVER do a school run. He is still living with family since we split. He also never wants to have her any extra in the holidays. He does have her every Saturday. I am at my wits end because how on earth am I meant to get a job around these hours?? I have been working self employed, trying to run my own small business for the past 3 years but I'm only managing to make £400 a month on average and obviously, not being employed, I'm not getting any paid holiday or pension contributions from an employer. Also my earnings are irregular and this sometimes throws my UC off and some months I am worse off than if I was not working at all - overall there is very little gain. I am 30 and am really starting to panic about retirement. I know it's a long way off, but my daughter may need to live with me through her adult life and I am not sure how I am supposed to work around this. Even if I get a job within the short school day, I am stuck when it comes to the holidays. My parents are unfortunately not in the best health the last couple of years and my siblings live too far away (and work full time anyway) so can't help either.

I don't own my own home either (me and ex-husband were saving to buy but didn't manage it before splitting and all savings went in the divorce essentially), so again am quite worried about what retirement will look like for me. I am currently on universal credit and carer's allowance, while my daughter gets DLA. I am managing month to month, being frugal (don't have a car, cheap rent atm, no subsciptions etc.) but long term, I have no idea what to do. Is this just my life now? I just don't want to accept this is it. I feel like I'm fairly clever/capable and would be more than happy to work, but just feel so stuck. Please help give me some inspiration - even if it's a very long term slow plan! Thank you 🙌🙌

Contact all local schools and nurseries in schools to see if they are looking for lunchtime supervisors or morning TAs. Include private schools. Monitor your local authority website for new roles.

If your ex has her Saturdays, could you find a Saturday job? Retail? Estate agent office? Hospitality?

With your experience, I wonder if childcare is your longer term solution? Could you manage your child alongside one with compatible needs? Provide wraparound for the special school and holiday cover for another child perhaps? Any appetite locally for a Saturday childminder? You might be surprised how many people would love this.

Are you an animal lover? You could look at becoming registered as a home dog boarder if are sufficiently good with dogs and if it would fit with your daughter's needs and you could be reliable.

I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm a carer for my now 20 year old son. I gave up my full time job when he was 7 because it just got too much with his care needs. I was getting warnings for all the time off I needed for him with illness/appointments etc.

Like you, I'm self employed. I don't earn loads, dont have a pension and it's really hard to try and find something to fit around everything he needs. I'm a virtual assistant and probably do about 10 hours a week around his college course.

Do you have any hobbies you're able to expand? I've taught myself to machine sew (via YouTube) and I'm hoping to get good enough to start offering alterations. I'm a while off yet!

bloody hell, you've worked so hard. This is honestly such an inspiring story. And to have to then go back into the world of work while grieving the loss of your husband. I can't really get my head around how mentally strong you must be to keep on going through it all! Your story has really inspired me to keep trying anything even if the reward isn't obvious any time soon. Thank you 🙌🙌🙌

Well done! I'd love to learn sewing as well and do have a good machine that my mum gave me, but I am SUPER beginner level at the moment! Honestly all my hobbies have gone by the wayside since having my daughter...something to think about. Maybe I need to just pick a thing and chip away at it.

That's a really good idea actually. Will have a think of how to do this.

My friend is in a similar situation. Got a court order for 50/50 with the dad so he has to do his bit or it’s back to court

This might be worth a try. It’s sickening that dads can just walk away and not get in trouble for neglect.

I'm disabled myself and I can only work a few hours a day, so I know it is very hard to get jobs when you are very restricted by when and where and how many hours you can work

IME it is worth being a cheeky fucker and applying for a job that nearly works for you and then asking for adjustments e.g. reduced hours.

Some employers are more flexible than others, and some have been happy to do this and others have given me a flat no, but I had nothing to lose by trying. I would have spent my life on benefits if I only applied for jobs I can do 100%! I would normally ask at interview or when actually offered the job though, applications saying you can't work as per the job description will just get put straight in the bin.

In your shoes, I would look for remote work with flexible hours, rather than looking for jobs just inside school hours which is really limiting. Maybe some kind of advisor role? Your personal experience with disability can be an asset, some services will appreciate it.

I agree tbh it's a joke, but the issue is he is useless when he does have her too. She sleeps terribly at his and comes home having watched telly all day and eaten junk food, usually grubby. Doesn't have the money to do anything with her, I don't feel like I can push for her to spend more time like that!

That’s shit. I don’t know how some men sleep at night, honestly.

I’m sending solidarity OP.
I’m still married but my husband is less than helpful let’s say, with my 8 year old severely physically (and possibly mentally- it’s impossible to tell as she’s pre-verbal).
I had to leave my job when she was born. Last year I finally found a midday assistant role. I’m on the third day off in the last week because of DD’s being very unwell with tonsillitis (she almost has seizures and possibly actually does) so hospital etc.
It’s these things that are so very draining because all I want to do is be able to go to bloody work unless I’m really sick but hey hi.

On the plus side my job while not flexible gives me the opportunity to take her to appointments before I start or after I finish .

It’s a pittance in salary £4600 a year.
But I suppose it’s something and I’m paying into a private pension via work for the first time (former civil servant but I used to opt out of the pension scheme- could kick myself now).
I would say definitely try for a role like that because it’s suited for the huge amount of appointments my DC has - she doesn’t have to be in them in her case (dietician, SALT, equipment checks, WAV services or MOT, equipment adjustments, food orders or problems, medication orders etc I can do most of them without her).
It’s incredibly difficult to find work when you have a child that cannot go to holiday clubs or wraparound care or have a childminder for. I do worry about the future for sure.
TA roles often need training so perhaps you can look into that.
Often SEND TAs need experience rather than training I think (don’t quote me on that though!) and you could try approaching a specialist school to find out what they’d require- you have experience via your DC.
I’ve tried thinking of ways around the problem but will admit to drawing a blank. I can’t do delivery work because I can’t use her WAV to operate a business as it’s a Motability lease (you can drive to employment but not use a Motability car to work from).
Same for dog walking unless you walk to the client’s houses and you’d also need insurance.
I like to think that where’s there’s a will there’s a way and you sound like both a brilliant mum and a determined woman who will find something.
Wishing you the best!

Thank you so much! I think it really helps keep me sane doing even some part time work too, using my brain and talking to other adults. That's great that you've found something even if it's part time. We have to make the best of it really don't we! Also that's good to know about not being able to use a motability car for work - I did not know that. Don't have one at the moment but worth remembering for sure. I opted out of pensions too - when I was 20 I thought state pension would be enough! 😳

I know. And beforehand he talked all the talk about what he would do as a dad. I massively underestimated how much work it would be...but I think I stepped up, and if anything I feel like he got more useless 😒

When I was a teacher I had a cleaner for term-time only - they also had kids so were glad of the time off and not having to pay childcare. So I wouldn’t discount this - as long as you are clear it is term-time only some people will be happy with that!

It is crap. I've been there. Honestly once you're on universal credit they have you over a barrell. You can't save enough to buy a house, and the only way off it in general is a large lump sum of money coming your way.
Also, not to worry you, but please think about what happens after the school years. My son is 17, and we managed to get him a place on a suitable college course, where he is thriving, but it's only 3 days a week, which has massively impacted on my work prospects going forward. How long can your dd stay at her school?
I think work-wise the self employed route is probably the best bet long term, and if your dd is 6 you have 10+ years to build up a good enough reputation that you can then choose your hours going forward when things change in terms of schooling.
Good luck 💐

Would it not be easier to become your child’s carer?

If her dad is consistent with his Saturdays and continues with that year round then I would start by looking for Saturday work. Aim for something like supermarket, shop, cafe etc - pick somewhere big with reasonably high staff turnover.

Then, once you’re settled on Saturdays offer to pick up ad-hoc shifts to cover holidays/absence/staff turnover etc. Be strict that you can only do x,y,z shifts on a,b,c days. If someone asks you to do eg 8-4 say “I can do 9-2 if that helps?”. Don’t take any spare shifts on holiday weeks.

Gradually, over time, you might find that they consistently schedule you for the hours which you’re available.

Then in a couple of years apply for supervisor or management positions, by which time everyone will know the hours that you do/don’t work.

@Bradley28
She is - but financially speaking bring a carer gets you £89 a week if you don’t receive universal credit and less if you do.
Its not an income generator nor is it a salary replacement.
Plus anything you earn counts against that “carer’s salary “. if you go over 1p you can be fined thousands of pounds.

I've been wracking my brains for you OP and obviously there isn't an easy solution because you would have seized it.

What I did wonder is what would it take to scale your business up so you could earn say £2.5k per month from it? Because I question if that needs to be the focus, finding options for enhancing what you have rather than something new which is tricky. I appreciate it will not be easy and quick but if there is a credible proposal, investment and/or mentoring can be accessed.

Oh, and your ex is a wank stain.

Hi @StuckOrNot I empathise, my dc is also disabled, and I’m a single mum. After my divorce, I wrote to local schools who were hiring TAs even if it said full time hours, and in my covering letter explained my caring responsibilities and requested shorter hours. I had experience as a TA and luckily a lovely school took me and another TA on to share a role. So I do mornings and she does afternoons - in my experience primary are much more flexible than secondary with this. Worth a shot! Good luck.

If you learn a trade you can pick your own hours and get a good salary. You could train as an electrician, then you can work whatever hours you want self employed.

Hi OP,

Firstly I wanted to say if you can't work much at the moment that is totally understandable. It is really tough for you to work around your child's schedule and be available for them for illness, emergencies and appointments.

I have a son at special school too.
I have been giving some thought to what jobs I could make work lately due to some uncertainty in my current job. My husband is out with his job 7am-7pm 3 weekdays each week but he can parent at other times.

Some ideas.
My son's school has asked on a couple of occasions for parents who are interested in casual TA work to come forward (paid) and I know some people who have done this that have then moved into a contracted post. The high ratio of adults in special school make them big employers so it's definitely worth speaking to them. Ask them if you could do a few days volunteering with a view to becoming a casual TA and if there are any courses that they recommend (preferably free).

Find out if your child would be eligible for school transport if you needed it. As someone has already mentioned this would extend the time you could work. Our school run is usually 8:30-915 in the morning and 2:15-3.15 in the afternoon but on a Wednesday my child uses transport and is collected before 8:30 and returns after 3.
I have thought if I had a work from home job I would be able to do 8:30-3:00 using transport. We were offered transport due to the distance from the school but my friend pushed for transport as although she is not too far from school apparently special needs children can have transport if their needs mean it is impossible to walk to school which was true for her.

Do you have anyone that would be safe and available to care for your child over night? E.g. a grandparent or if you felt your child's dad was suitable. If so you could do casual/relief night shifts in care. Combined with school transport you could sleep during the school day and if casual work do term time only.

If you can find a suitable/affordable course study could be a good option. That could pave the way to doing something where you could set your own schedule for a better hourly rate e.g. studying to be a mortgage advisor or book keeper.

Best wishes.

Very good point, I heard of a similar story of someone whos child started going to a day center as an adult but it was only 3 days a week 9-3 and they were still living at home, couldn't be left at home alone. I hope you are managing to find a way. I think staying in work if even very part time is still worth it because it keeps you in it, no gaps in CV, still learning even if slowly. Good luck to you too x

Thank you so much for spending the time thinking and trying to help! And lol yes he is.
Maybe I need to go on a business course or something! Get better at making it more profitable.

Well, you can become amazing at it, if you apply yourself.

What other marketable skills have you? What jobs have you held in the past?