How do I get out of being skint the rest of my life?? Disabled child, single mother

[StuckOrNot]

Hello lovely people, I could really do with some help!!

My DD (6) has a disability, her father and I were married but divorced when she was 3. Unfortunately, he was absolutely useless and offered no support, I was caring for 2 children essentially and lost all respect for him, so chose to split. Best decision of my life I feel, my life is much easier now that I am not in a relationship with the lazy git, but I have realised financially, I am fairly screwed?? Please help me to make a plan to not be skint the rest of my life!

Due to my daughter being disabled, she goes to a special school. The school day is 8.45am-2.45pm. There is no wrap around club, no holiday club. At all. Child's father works the most annoying job - a split shift meaning he only works part time (only gives me £100/month child support) and yet can NEVER do a school run. He is still living with family since we split. He also never wants to have her any extra in the holidays. He does have her every Saturday. I am at my wits end because how on earth am I meant to get a job around these hours?? I have been working self employed, trying to run my own small business for the past 3 years but I'm only managing to make £400 a month on average and obviously, not being employed, I'm not getting any paid holiday or pension contributions from an employer. Also my earnings are irregular and this sometimes throws my UC off and some months I am worse off than if I was not working at all - overall there is very little gain. I am 30 and am really starting to panic about retirement. I know it's a long way off, but my daughter may need to live with me through her adult life and I am not sure how I am supposed to work around this. Even if I get a job within the short school day, I am stuck when it comes to the holidays. My parents are unfortunately not in the best health the last couple of years and my siblings live too far away (and work full time anyway) so can't help either.

I don't own my own home either (me and ex-husband were saving to buy but didn't manage it before splitting and all savings went in the divorce essentially), so again am quite worried about what retirement will look like for me. I am currently on universal credit and carer's allowance, while my daughter gets DLA. I am managing month to month, being frugal (don't have a car, cheap rent atm, no subsciptions etc.) but long term, I have no idea what to do. Is this just my life now? I just don't want to accept this is it. I feel like I'm fairly clever/capable and would be more than happy to work, but just feel so stuck. Please help give me some inspiration - even if it's a very long term slow plan! Thank you 🙌🙌

I have a 5 year old with various conditions and medical needs. In main stream but trying to find work that fits around her and all her app (22+ a year) is proving very challenging

That's it it's the appointments and days off sick as well. My daughter is under a number of different specialists and sometimes I have to travel to another hospital to see a specific specialist.

Hope you find something. It is tough, I guess we just have to be patient and wait till that wonderful moment we find something that fits around it. Think the trouble is there are lots of mums who would also like these sorts of hours as even for kids without disabilities it's a struggle!

Exactly! My daughter is under 3 different hospitals. Has various consultants involved. When people suggest working term time they often dont realise that you are then unable to get the time off to take them to their appointments. I imagine you have more sick days than the average too, I know we do. Like you I wish I knew the answer to work/life balance whilst supporting DDS needs!

Do you have GCSE’s in maths and English? I ask because you could be an online tutor. You don’t need to be a trained teacher.

It’s very unfair you have been left with all the responsibility whilst your ex doesn’t help.

Could you do anything with the Saturday? For example work in a shop?
You could possibly sell it as you are mature and could eventually be team leader that day. I know they will probably want you to do more hrs but offering every Saturday is attractive as no one wants to work Saturdays.

Could your ex’s parents do anything to help? Eg have her for tea on a Monday so they pick her up one day? Then you could do a shift that day.
See if you can make an appointment with a careers advisor.

Yes that's it, because if it's term time you can't then book annual leave can you, as you already get the holidays off. I don't have any answers but really feel for you. Sorry you're stuck in it too.

If you're on Universal Credit I would ditch the Carers Allowance.
Your income will remain the same because you will still get the Carers premium on Universal Credit. And because CA reduces your UC pound for pound.

BUT- you will be free from the requirement to keep your income under a certain level in order to keep hold of your CA and this might make things feel more manageable if your income fluctuates a lot.

I agree he is so unhelpful, don't get me started. My stupid fault for having a child with him really, I should have seen the signs but didn't till it was too late. Online tutor is interesting, I did well in GCSEs tbf. Exs parents are younger and are still working full time

If you're in England and the school is named on the EHCP you could be entitled to transport. It can depend on distance, age and disabilities but worth looking into and contacting your local authority transport team.
If you don't want a taxi / school bus etc they can pay you a mileage for taking and fetching her to cover your costs.
SENTAS charity can help advise as well

If OP stops claiming as a carer won’t she be open to have to look for more employment under UC rules and face sanctions if not going through their hoops, be careful before doing this.

He does have her every Saturday.

Our local estate agents are always after Saturday office admin staff.

I think OP would struggle to make a living out of this if she cannot work evenings or weekends.

In your shoes I’d be training in coding/tech with girls can code or something similar.

She would still be able to claim as a carer because her child receives DLA.
The CA is superfluous.
When she reports the change to the DWP she would just need to be very clear that she is still her child's carer and is only dropping the CA to make her working life more manageable.
Additional elements of Universal Credit (UC) | Turn2us

I have a part time TA role because of caring responsibilities. I haven’t read the full thread but hopefully your daughter is in receipt of DLA which means you can still claim carers allowance and the carers premium. If you haven’t claimed DLA then you must. It’s very very tough being a lone parent to a disabled child, it’s also full of additonal expense, and I’ve only been able to work in recent years and look forward to being able to work full time again. Perhaps make an appointment to see the CAB who will help you with this.

Most office based public sector jobs seem to have stayed WFH. They tend to be more flexible around letting staff attend caring appts/ hospital appts.

People on here have said Macdonalds are good at giving their staff the hours they need, and if you can work every saturday that might help you get a job. I don't know what they are like for arranging shifts around hospital appts though.

Also zero hour contract jobs would suit you if you need flexibility.

Also just seen an ad pop up from Amazon saying that they do term time hours jobs.

Can confirm, I’ve recently decided to do this. I don’t really see the point of carers allowance anymore. It’s taxable too so I have to enter it as income when doing my DC’s uni loan app. Plus they wanted my self-employment details every 3 months. Too much paperwork for nothing really.

Yes am claiming DLA. Hate to feel like I'm not contributing to the system tbh but just feel so stuck

Please don’t, you and your child need support in these difficult circumstances. No guilt necessary.

I do hear you. I felt completely trapped for a long time. My role gives me flexibility and covers holidays. Even though my son is a young teen now, I can’t leave him alone during the day so this is ideal for now. That might work better for you in the immediate term.

Are you on Facebook, The Work From Home Hub often have some good jobs advertised.

I can tell you what I did, though it's not really advice. It's just what happened. I lived on benefits caring for my very severely disabled partner from school until fairly recently. I didn't get qualifications as I left school early and then I was looking after him so I couldn't do anything else. It felt like I couldn't do anything else, and for a long time, years, I just did that. I suppose I was subconsciously thinking someone would come and help me and my real life could restart. LOL. Nobody's coming.

One day I was in hospital with him and I met a woman who had cared for her son until he died and she was 50 and jobless and freaking out. She had made no plan whatsoever for what to do afterwards. This really stuck with me, so I thought I have to prepare myself, because DH could die any time and then what will I do. I'll be totally without resources or skills. I tried to take classes from home but it was honestly impossible -- there was nothing flexible enough and the way benefits worked then I was just making us vulnerable to destitution. It was just impossible to get a job.

So I just started teaching myself things, anything, building things, making things online. If I could find 20 minutes a day I used that. If I could find one minute I used that. Many days I could only find one minute, or no minutes. But I just thought I might as well keep going as not. The time will pass anyway, whatever I do, so I may as well do this as watch the television (I also watched a lot of television to be truthful). So I joined online projects and made things and got to know people. I learned computer programming, graphic design, robotics, video editing, sound design, copy editing, grant writing, book keeping. I wrote articles, I wrote books, I wrote software; eventually I cofounded organisations. I was still caring and still broke for all this time, and often I could eke out almost nothing productive in half a year together, but I just kept eking. Eventually, 20 years later, my DH did die and I was left alone, but not without resources.

With this body of work behind me it has been fairly easy to earn decent money, even though I don't have any qualifications and a completely strange CV. I can't get a job in a posh company myself of course, but all those people I volunteered with could, and they hire me. Being productive seems very easy to me as I now have ample (eg 40 hours) time to spend on work. To me, it feels like oceans.

So this isn't advice, as we're not the same person and it's not 20 years ago. But the thing to really get is that the time will pass anyway. So you might as well use it. Your life is a long term project. Good luck x

As a short term idea, have you considered dog walking around your business? I know you don’t have a car, but if you have a local park within walking distance this may be something to think about.

A friend of mine walks three dogs together, twice a weekday- morning and after lunch- and charges £12 per dog per 40/45min walk. They started by handing out cards to dog walkers in their local area and posting them through letter boxes. I am not sure if this would suit you during school holidays, but if you find the right owners having breaks over the holidays may not be an issue. You may want to think about insurance, but I don’t believe it is required.

Do you not receive extra money due to her disabilities?

I know many parent/carers who do not work, 1 obviously due to logistics but also 2 because the more they earn, the less they get in benefits - the money they earn is not worth the costs and stress of working.

I don’t know the ins and outs of it but it’s worth looking into.

If working more means you’ll be worse off, then there is no point in doing it right now and you’d be better off doing a course that will allow you to get a better paid job in a couple of years time.