Husband and his debt

[CarryOnRewardless]

Also posted in relationships.

At Christmas 2024 my husband took out a credit card without my knowledge and used it for online gambling, within about 2 months it was up to the limit of £8,000.

Obviously I was so upset about this and took over all finances. The minimum payment on the card is around £250 a month so he’s added that to our outgoings for absolutely nothing.
I’ve been chipping away at the card and every couple of months I ask to see the statement to make sure there’s been no transactions.
A couple of months ago there was transactions on there and I was so upset and he made a big show of calling the card company and reporting it as unrecognised transactions. During the call it dawned on him that it was him (what a surprise!) He was going to GA did about 10 meetings then stopped.

The payment is due this week and I’ve asked to see a statement and he’s asking why so there’s obviously something on there. Last time he told me he’d deleted the card from his phone so that’s a lie.

If I had a normal job I’d LTB but I do shift work and our child is a too young to be left all night on his own

How would you manage finances going forward? I know the usual Mumsnet answer is we’re married it should be joint money but I don’t want to manage his money any more it’s too stressful and paying off his debt while he’s adding to it anyway. He has no concept of budgeting and thinks he can spends what he wants.
I’d like to just take half the bills and food and the rest is his. He will then blow it all at the weekend and then won’t be able to get to work. Then he’ll ask to borrow from me no doubt

Sorry just had to get that out

I hate to perpetuate a stereotype, but there is likely to be more debt than that.

You would certainly think so, I’ve checked his credit report and he just has that one card listed on all those I’ve checked
No loans or overdraft….yet!

At this point, if you want and for energy for it and don’t want divorce him then I think you need to take over the entire financials before you get to the point without return and he needs therapy.

Do you own your home and is it in his name or yours? Honestly my biggest worry in your case would be losing the home if he secures loans against it. It also sounds like he is still gambling so you're unlikely to get ths truth at this stage. If you are going to stay with him separate your finances as much as possible.

I already have all the finances. I’m paying off the card and I have a suspicion that he is still spending on it. I have asked him again today to show me it.
Payment is due tomorrow and I’ve told him I won’t be sending any money to it until I’ve seen it

Yes we own a house with a mortgage. The house is 70% mine

I am sorry to tell you OP that if you have a partner/husband with an addiction ( it doesn't matter if it's gambling/drink/drugs/ shopping/kinky sex then there will always be 3 individuals in the relationship.

And the addiction will always take preference over you.

You need specialist help and I would suggest Gamblers Anonymous

https://gamblersanonymous.org.uk/

You're pissing in the wind while he still has access to the card.
In one way, what he does with his money is up to him. But, ultimately, if it comes to bailiffs and so on, it will affect you too.
He needs to know you can't live like this and that you mean it.
And you really can't live like this.
In the short term make sure you are financially independent from him and see if you can squirrel away some emergency funds.

Sorry to hear this, really awful for you.

I would insist he:

• cancels the credit card
• gets a basic bank account with no overdraft facility
• has his salary is paid into my bank account, then set up a weekly transfer of spending money to his basic bank account
• goes back to GA
• removes all gambling apps from his phone then set up parental controls on all IT devices to block gambling apps and websites.

And separately reaarrange my life so I could divorce him if/when he does it again...

I don't think there's any way to protect yourself from a spendthrift spouse other than divorce. Citizens advice might be able to advise.

Gambling is like any other addiction I'm afraid. Your husband may not necessarily have built up other debt at this time, but he will. He's clearly not deleted the card and he's still using it. Like all addicts, he will lie to your face and swear blind he's telling the truth. I would, if you can afford it, see a solicitor regarding the house. You need to make sure he can't secure loans against it (if this is even possible) and that your share is protected from possible creditors. You state you own 70% of the house - if you're married, all assets are classed as 'joint marital assets', unless they've been legally ring fenced. Severe any other finances from him, so your finances are separate. You aren't responsible for any debt occured in his sole name.

Content in wrong thread - post deleted.

Why would doing shift work stop you breaking up? Surely your husband is looking after the child now, so why would that have to stop? You get out now with a known amount of debt, or you stay another decade and he has the potential to run up god knows how much more.

I would insist he cuts the card up so he can no longer spend on it. If 70% of the house is yours and there are no other debts I would leave it to him to manage it. How do you split bills and spends? Are your incomes similar? As he is still spending on it you are fighting a losing battle. I think separating finances is the only way to go.

I was going to ask if he had a gambling block but if it's a credit card he shouldn't be able to use it to gamble on UK sites anyway. So guessing it's online casinos based abroad. You need to make him cut up the first of all, delete the credit card app etc so he can't order another card.

The problem with taking half the bills and food is that if he doesn’t pay them someone will need to and that will fall to you. If you really can’t leave I’d do as a previous poster suggested - his salary gets paid into a joint account for household expenses, you agree discretionary spending each and transfer that to his account - when it’s gone it’s gone - and limit his access to credit. If he doesn’t agree to that, I’d be gone because he has no impetus to change and you’ll end up bankrupt.

I’d also be reorganising my life, work and finances to leave as soon as humanly possible. He’s making his choice, and he’s not choosing you or your family life.

What an awful situation for you to be in, @CarryOnRewardless .

Sadly, as others have said, addicts lie. You need to protect yourself and your financial security. Make plans to leave as soon as possible.

Gambling is such a dangerous addiction and I am horrified at the way gambling is promoted and is so easily accessible.

Sending you strength to do what you need to do, and hugs. 💝💐

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You can divorce to separate your finances but live in the same house for a time so your children are cared for or have a legal separation. You'd need to use a solicitor to make sure it works.

Dont pay the credit card for a couple of months. While this will cost you money it also makes it more difficult for him to get credit. Or insist on a notice of correction and check regularly that it is still in place https://www.experian.co.uk/consumer/help-discover/discover/guides/gambling-credit-protection.html#:~:text=Introduction%3A%20problem%20gambling%20and%20credit&text=For%20this%20reason%2C%20you%20may,your%20credit%20report%20for%20you.

Has he said why he started gambling out of the blue?

You don't trust him with money and he doesn't trust you with his secrets. It's not really the recipe for a happy relationship.

How is he gambling? Has he self excluded from the sites?

I don't know about my credit card but I can set my debit card to not work on gambling websites granted that's easy to change.

I would be wary of a theatrics of cutting up cards and in this day and age the majority of spending is not with the card and if he has memorised or saved the details he can still use the card even if it's in a million pieces.

I agree with all the practical steps above about removing the card and getting his salary paid into your account etc but on top of this I WOULD divorce. Right now. This is in order to separate financially. Just because you divorce does not mean you cannot live together or continue the relationship but it protects you and your children from his addiction. Despite your best efforts experience shows he is unlikely to be able to stop and It is then easier to separate down the line if necessary. It may be mercenary but if he needs help from you to pay towards his debts, I would offer him money only in exchange for more house equity.

You are, unfortunately, at risk of losing your home if you do not at least legally separate so his debts are not yours. You can never trust a gambler and he's shown you that by using the card after telling you he'd stopped. He isnt going to GA and when his credit is cut off he will look to get money by other means, eventually it could be selling your childrens possessions.

It's an addiction and he's an addict. The longer it takes to recognise this and separate your finances the worse the debts may become and the harder it becomes to protect your children and your home.

Thank you all, just in answer to some points raised:

He was going to GA, he went to about 5 meetings then stopped

His salary gets paid into my bank account, he doesn’t have access to it except what I transfer to his account when he asks. Of course there's nothing to stop him getting into more debt behind my back

I asked him again this morning to show me the card statement before I send any money to it and he just said "See you later" I've told him I will not send any money to it until I see it. Payment is due either today or tomorrow. Why should I keep sending money to something I don't have sight of?

I have the physical card in my locker at work, I have no access to his mobile phone so the details will be hidden on there somewhere

My family live 2 hours away, DC does stay with my mum in school holidays if I'm working but during school time he obviously couldn’t stay there

He has put gamstop on but then discovered all the work arounds, foreign websites etc

We have no joint bank or savings accounts the only joint thing is the mortgage.
Im not sure how you gamble on a credit card I think the foreign sites use payment platforms where it doesn’t show up as gambling. Or something like that

I'm really sorry, OP. It's quite clear his gambling is out of control and he's not willing or able to address it. You have to protect yourself and the children.

I would be getting concerned by his avoidance about any extra debt and gambling.
When you are in the dark there's not a lot you can do.
What does he have to access the internet with? Would he replace his phone with a "dumb" phone
He doesn't care about the bill and whether it gets paid or not, he doesn't care about the implications of his gambling he cares solely about gambling and avoiding being stopped from gambling.
I have an addictive personality mostly food related these days and when I'm in a spiral the thing that matters most is a) finding opportunities to engage and b) avoiding getting caught as that makes a) harder.
Have you ever had any insight in what is behind his gambling, what role is it fulfilling for him?

I think you have to ask yourself if you don't get to see the statement and the deadline for payment passes, what is your next move. I wonder if he thinks it doesn't matter if this payment is missed as you will pick up the pieces afterwards anyway. I think it's probably not enough to give him the " what the hell am I doing" moment and until he reaches that I fear you aren't going to get the full picture. What would you have to do it gets him to that place ?