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Original poster

Husband and his debt

79 replies

CarryOnRewardless · 21/10/2025 16:37

Also posted in relationships.

At Christmas 2024 my husband took out a credit card without my knowledge and used it for online gambling, within about 2 months it was up to the limit of £8,000.

Obviously I was so upset about this and took over all finances. The minimum payment on the card is around £250 a month so he’s added that to our outgoings for absolutely nothing.
I’ve been chipping away at the card and every couple of months I ask to see the statement to make sure there’s been no transactions.
A couple of months ago there was transactions on there and I was so upset and he made a big show of calling the card company and reporting it as unrecognised transactions. During the call it dawned on him that it was him (what a surprise!) He was going to GA did about 10 meetings then stopped.

The payment is due this week and I’ve asked to see a statement and he’s asking why so there’s obviously something on there. Last time he told me he’d deleted the card from his phone so that’s a lie.

If I had a normal job I’d LTB but I do shift work and our child is a too young to be left all night on his own

How would you manage finances going forward? I know the usual Mumsnet answer is we’re married it should be joint money but I don’t want to manage his money any more it’s too stressful and paying off his debt while he’s adding to it anyway. He has no concept of budgeting and thinks he can spends what he wants.
I’d like to just take half the bills and food and the rest is his. He will then blow it all at the weekend and then won’t be able to get to work. Then he’ll ask to borrow from me no doubt

Sorry just had to get that out

OP posts:

acorncrush · 22/10/2025 15:02

Could you take out a credit card yourself in your own name and don’t give him access then pay off his card with that?

He’d probably just apply for a new card and put you both in debt double the amount though. This is a hard one. He needs professional help.

TallulahBetty · 22/10/2025 15:03

anyolddinosaur · 22/10/2025 11:08

You are, unfortunately, at risk of losing your home if you do not at least legally separate so his debts are not yours. You can never trust a gambler and he's shown you that by using the card after telling you he'd stopped. He isnt going to GA and when his credit is cut off he will look to get money by other means, eventually it could be selling your childrens possessions.

It's an addiction and he's an addict. The longer it takes to recognise this and separate your finances the worse the debts may become and the harder it becomes to protect your children and your home.

Debts are not hers anyway. (I am a debt advisor)

OP, why are you paying his debt?

He needs to stop it and then get good, free debt advice - but he has to be ready and open to get the help. If he isn't, it won't work - same with any addiction.

TallulahBetty · 22/10/2025 15:06

acorncrush · 22/10/2025 15:02

Could you take out a credit card yourself in your own name and don’t give him access then pay off his card with that?

He’d probably just apply for a new card and put you both in debt double the amount though. This is a hard one. He needs professional help.

Edited

OP, please do not take our your own debt to pay his off.

ConstitutionHill · 22/10/2025 15:07

I would want to see a lot more bank statements for the full picture. You cannot deposit with a regulated UK online gambling operator by credit card. He might be using some convoluted method to transfer from the credit to a debit card (incurring fees) or he could be playing with black market operators. If the latter, that's likely because he's exhausted his avenues on the legit ones for whatever reason. It paints an even worse picture. How dare he ask you "why" when you want to see a statement. This man is a liar and you will never be able to trust him. It will destroy your family. I'd be making quiet plans to leave him.

Original poster

CarryOnRewardless · 22/10/2025 15:14

acorncrush · 22/10/2025 15:02

Could you take out a credit card yourself in your own name and don’t give him access then pay off his card with that?

He’d probably just apply for a new card and put you both in debt double the amount though. This is a hard one. He needs professional help.

Edited

Then I’ve taken on the debt in my name? If he left tomorrow I’d be left paying off £8,000

OP posts:

caringcarer · 22/10/2025 15:14

Quite honestly you have given him numerous chances and he has chosen to carry on gambling putting your family in a precarious financial situation. At this point I would divorce him quickly before he drags you down with him. If you have DC surely you owe them this much to protect them from their father's addiction.

AdoraBell · 22/10/2025 15:16

^^ This

Original poster

CarryOnRewardless · 22/10/2025 15:17

TallulahBetty · 22/10/2025 15:03

Debts are not hers anyway. (I am a debt advisor)

OP, why are you paying his debt?

He needs to stop it and then get good, free debt advice - but he has to be ready and open to get the help. If he isn't, it won't work - same with any addiction.

Edited

Show quote history

Hi
I have all the money, his salary gets paid into my bank account

OP posts:

Wowthatwasabigstep · 22/10/2025 15:21

Why in heavens name are you paying off the debt that he has incurred, there is no incentive for him to alter his ways as you are cleaning up his mess.

Cut the card up, speak to the credit card company with him on the telephone at the same time and instruct them that this card is not to be reactivated.

Take over all the finances and police him like a child who cannot be trusted as he clearly can’t but for goodness sake stop facilitating him.

Set a period of time within which he has to have sorted this, 2 years for example or divorce and move on. The current set up is not a life anybody would want or choose, it is up to you to decide what your life will look like in the future.

Zippedydodah · 22/10/2025 15:37

I’d be seriously worried that he’d remortgaged and forged your signature to do so like my neighbour’s husband did and then lied that it wasn’t him

ThejoyofNC · 22/10/2025 15:58

Sounds exhausting and like a miserable to live to be honest.

Original poster

CarryOnRewardless · 22/10/2025 16:04

Wowthatwasabigstep · 22/10/2025 15:21

Why in heavens name are you paying off the debt that he has incurred, there is no incentive for him to alter his ways as you are cleaning up his mess.

Cut the card up, speak to the credit card company with him on the telephone at the same time and instruct them that this card is not to be reactivated.

Take over all the finances and police him like a child who cannot be trusted as he clearly can’t but for goodness sake stop facilitating him.

Hi
I only send money to it because I’ve taken over all the finances and his money gets paid into my account.
But if he’s still spending on the card I don’t want his money I’d prefer separate finances then I won’t be sending anything to the card

OP posts:

dreamsinreality · 22/10/2025 16:58

Firstly, I'd find out how he managed to gamble using a credit card. UK licensed gambling sites have not accepted those cards since 2020. Some banks also block gambling transactions on credit cards.

If he's somehow managed to use a non-UK licensed site, it's likely the transactions were treated as cash advances which is generally more expensive than normal transactions.

Original poster

CarryOnRewardless · 22/10/2025 17:02

dreamsinreality · 22/10/2025 16:58

Firstly, I'd find out how he managed to gamble using a credit card. UK licensed gambling sites have not accepted those cards since 2020. Some banks also block gambling transactions on credit cards.

If he's somehow managed to use a non-UK licensed site, it's likely the transactions were treated as cash advances which is generally more expensive than normal transactions.

Yes it’s non uk sites I believe

OP posts:

anyolddinosaur · 22/10/2025 19:27

@TallulahBetty If you are a debt advisor you should be aware that when he is sued by the credit card company for not paying the debt a court will allow them to secure the debt against the house. They may not be able to force a sale while there are young children in the house but would you guarantee that?

No amount of him talking to the credit card company to stop or destroy the card will work because he can take out another one. The only thing that works is destroying his credit rating so he cant get anything but a basic bank account.

If OP is paying towards his debts it needs to be in exchange for increased equity in the house so that she gradually buys him out. Then try offering rent free accommodation to someone who will be there for the children at night.

If he wants to try and preserve his marriage he goes to GA every single week without fail.

Original poster

CarryOnRewardless · 23/11/2025 11:16

A little update. The plan was to get a loan (in husbands name!) pay off the credit card and close it.
Speaking about it with husband last night and I said “we’re only getting a loan if you agree to close the credit card account”

And he replied saying he won’t close the card!

Massive red flag for me. I have told him I will be monitoring the card closely and if there are any more gambling transactions on it we will be having separate finances from then on. And I will be making plans to exit the marriage

OP posts:

ChocolateBoxCottage · 23/11/2025 11:26

He could close all of his accounts and all bills go into a JA so you could see everything. I think that's the best option. Or you could divorce and truly separate finances for good but stay to see if he improves without any financial ties.

He should be totally transparent with you. My dh is much the same and I hate to tell you, this it now for life if you stay with him

Sassylovesbooks · 23/11/2025 11:33

CarryOnRewardless · 23/11/2025 11:16

And he replied saying he won’t close the card!

Your husband has a gambling addiction. Of course, he's not going to close the card. He's probably been using a VPN to make it look like he's based in foreign countries, to get around our UK laws. He doesn't have a small problem, he has a massive problem. You need to separate your finances. There's a real danger that if he can't pay his debts, that a charge is put against your home, either to force a sale or if the property is sold, the creditors are paid with the proceeds. I know you love your husband, but you can't 'fix' him, he needs professional help. Not only help to stop gambling but help to understand why he started in the first place. Until the root cause is helped, then he will continue, and if he has to lie, steal and borrow to do so, then that's what he'll do. You need legal advice regarding the house, unless any monies were legally ring-fenced before marriage, all assets, including your home are joint marital assets. Gambling is like any other addiction, it destroys the person gambling, but it also destroys those around that person too. His debts are not yours, please don't waste your life paying them off, because that just enables his poor behaviour further, and lack of personal accountability.

Original poster

CarryOnRewardless · 23/11/2025 11:43

ChocolateBoxCottage · 23/11/2025 11:26

He should be totally transparent with you. My dh is much the same and I hate to tell you, this it now for life if you stay with him

If we had a joint account there’d be nothing stopping him taking all the bill money out though.

OP posts:

anyolddinosaur · 23/11/2025 12:16

You posted about it in October and he's probably still running up debts. He is an addict, he's not willing to give up the card so he's likely still running up more debts.

Wise up before you risk your home.

Beesandhoney123 · 23/11/2025 12:25

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/10/2025 16:56

Sorry to hear this, really awful for you.

I would insist he:

cancels the credit card
gets a basic bank account with no overdraft facility
has his salary is paid into my bank account, then set up a weekly transfer of spending money to his basic bank account
goes back to GA
removes all gambling apps from his phone then set up parental controls on all IT devices to block gambling apps and websites.

And separately reaarrange my life so I could divorce him if/when he does it again...

Yes, him having access to any kind of credit is insane. Or money. He will pawn your jewellry to get money to bet, in the end.

The simplest thing would be to divorce.
He will always expect you to bail.him out, at the cost of your happiness and that of your child. Forget holidays. Days out. Dinner out. Savings.

He is still gambling, BTW.

ChocolateBoxCottage · 23/11/2025 12:31

CarryOnRewardless · 23/11/2025 11:43

If we had a joint account there’d be nothing stopping him taking all the bill money out though.

Show quote history

Not if you control all of his incoming? Monzo tells you the day before what going out. You put it the day before. There's no floating funds in our JA

ConstitutionHill · 23/11/2025 13:04

So sorry OP. Surely your marriage is already over? How could you ever be intimate again with this monumental, arrogant loser. He's not even pretending to be sorry.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/11/2025 14:43

Massive red flag for me.

ANOTHER massive red flag. You have enough for bunting. Sorry to be facetious, this is such a horrible and desperate situation for you.

Aimtodobetter · 23/11/2025 14:47

CarryOnRewardless · 21/10/2025 16:46

I already have all the finances. I’m paying off the card and I have a suspicion that he is still spending on it. I have asked him again today to show me it.
Payment is due tomorrow and I’ve told him I won’t be sending any money to it until I’ve seen it

Show quote history

You can freeze cards for payments whilst still having them active - I’d do that

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